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Dad agreed to paying my living expenses

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
107
0
When my mum first needed care in order to continue living on her own, we researched family carers and checked the OPG rules for both Deputyship and LPA - thanks to a link from a thread on here! The OPG recognise that family carers are in most situations better than outside carers and so it is allowed to pay family carers. The caveat was that the amount paid should be less than that outside carers might be paid.

So my sister ( aged 52) took voluntary redundancy and we paid her £10 an hour for 20 hours a week, plus £50 a month for petrol to take mum out. This was a lot less than the £25 an hour we eventually paid to a care agency for additional weekend cover. My sister was able to also work for two days a week in a similar position as her previous job from home and either my brother or me covered those days and all three of us took it in turn to care for mum at weekends.

This only worked because all three of us worked together to make sure mum had a daily visit of at least two hours, a hot meal every day, trips out for lunch and we shared medical appointments. My sisters 20 hours a week was not sufficient especially as time passed but luckily we are a very close family. Mum still ended up going into a home after a fall at the start of the first lockdown but we know we had done our best. My sister has since increased her hours working for the same company to cover the loss of mums money as I think I would have felt guilty if she had ended up out of pocket.
This is the gold standard of siblings getting together and treating each other with respect. So glad to hear a positive story ❤️
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
280
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson I totally agree with @jaymor. £17.50 an hour is average and even with that if a carer is employed direct there can be tax and national insurance and holiday pay on top of that. Dont forget to factor in travelling time and all the time spent on phone calls arranging appointments, running his household etc. The cheapest care home fees in our area are £750 weekly (only very mild dementia symptoms ) through to around £1200 and I know from other comments we are in a cheap area! Your relatives need to understand that you are extremely cheap compared to the alternatives and they should be thanking their lucky stars that you want to look after your dad.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
739
0
Perhaps you might present your siblings with the option that you will get a full time job and a carer will be employed to look after your dad whilst you are at work. Or alternatively you will do it for a smaller cost. They might choose the latter. As you have no obligation to care for your dad how about he pays you for care hours, and then you pay your share of the bills?
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
79
0
This really annoys me. My pwd has always said I have the worry of caring for them and they don’t want me to have any money worries on top of that. OP, if my family ever dare to question this it will be the end of my relationship with them. You’re saving about a grand a week of your Father’s money (it isn’t anybody’s inheritance yet - while he’s alive, it’s all his!). Don’t let them bully you. If your Dad wants you to have it, that’s his business.
 

Cazcaz

Registered User
Apr 3, 2021
18
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson I looked after my dad for a couple of years full time and had to give up work so I suffered financially, no wages, just carers allowance. It's not fair but I managed. I eventually had to move in with him 24/7 and to be honest carers allowance is a joke for 24/7 care. For that final year dad paid for all of the shopping including my share of the food etc. He also treated me a few times but he could afford it. He paid for all the petrol in his car which I used for his benefit and also mine on the rare occasions that I went home. I have my own home but my husband had to look after that and pay the bills because I couldn't as I had no income other than carers allowance.

I certainly don't consider that I profited from any of this. In fact I lost 3 years wages and when dad died I found myself at the age of 63 with no chance of employment (covid didn't help) and no chance of any benefits so I am living on my savings until I reach pension age in 2022

As long as your dad can afford it then I don't see any problem with him helping you out. What would he pay for a care home. The big problem that I would worry about is, will anybody help you out to give you a break, do you have siblings who can give you the odd weekend off because it will get harder as you go along.

It's a lot to think about and it could leave you financially much worse off after a time but your dad saves care fees so only you can weigh it up.
Duggies-girl.

Can I ask a question please, as I may end up in a similar situation. (Hopefully not but I would like to be ready). You say for the final year your dad paid for all the shopping including your share of the food. Was that using POA? How does the POA authorities view a person using their relative’s money for their own shopping? Is it difficult to sort out if needed? If I ended up caring for my mother, I would have no income other than careers allowance so I would need to do something similar. I have no other accommodation, I live with her now.

I‘d also like to send condolences on your father’s passing, I’m sure he would be very proud of you and your care of him.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,494
0
Duggies-girl.

Can I ask a question please, as I may end up in a similar situation. (Hopefully not but I would like to be ready). You say for the final year your dad paid for all the shopping including your share of the food. Was that using POA? How does the POA authorities view a person using their relative’s money for their own shopping? Is it difficult to sort out if needed? If I ended up caring for my mother, I would have no income other than careers allowance so I would need to do something similar. I have no other accommodation, I live with her now.

I‘d also like to send condolences on your father’s passing, I’m sure he would be very proud of you and your care of him.
Hi @Cazcaz Yes I had POA but I didn't really worry too much about it. All dads bills were paid direct debit so that was no problem. Dad had a certain amount of money out twice a month and I went shopping with it because he couldn't. To be honest he spent very little that final year. You would need to register the POA with your mums bank and they would send you a card with your name as POA of xxx and you would use it to do your mums shopping or draw out cash once in a while to shop with for her.

I wasn't using dads money for my shopping it was for his shopping but as I was looking after him he bought my meals which was fair enough. I cooked and we ate together. I really don't think anyone keeps a check unless you have a sibling like mine who worried that I was spending more than I should which I wasn't.

Your mums bank statements will show how her money is being spent and it would be glaringly obvious to anyone if she was being taken advantage of. I never kept receipts for supermarket shopping but if dad bought something expensive then I did. He bought a new mattress and I kept the receipt for that but only because it was outside his usual spending pattern. I really wouldn't worry about that side of things, the big worry is what happens to you when your mum dies or goes into a home and you are left with no income.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,060
0
Essex
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
Try suggesting to your siblings that they could have your dad staying with them so that they can have a better understanding of the situation. Your relatives are what we call invisibles and believe me I know all about them!

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
4,060
0
Essex
Hi @Cazcaz Yes I had POA but I didn't really worry too much about it. All dads bills were paid direct debit so that was no problem. Dad had a certain amount of money out twice a month and I went shopping with it because he couldn't. To be honest he spent very little that final year. You would need to register the POA with your mums bank and they would send you a card with your name as POA of xxx and you would use it to do your mums shopping or draw out cash once in a while to shop with for her.

I wasn't using dads money for my shopping it was for his shopping but as I was looking after him he bought my meals which was fair enough. I cooked and we ate together. I really don't think anyone keeps a check unless you have a sibling like mine who worried that I was spending more than I should which I wasn't.

Your mums bank statements will show how her money is being spent and it would be glaringly obvious to anyone if she was being taken advantage of. I never kept receipts for supermarket shopping but if dad bought something expensive then I did. He bought a new mattress and I kept the receipt for that but only because it was outside his usual spending pattern. I really wouldn't worry about that side of things, the big worry is what happens to you when your mum dies or goes into a home and you are left with no income.
I was exactly the same and even when I took dad out of the care home for a meal or coffee he would try and pay and reach for his wallet which wasn't there. I lived with dad and I paid him rent until he became ill and I stopped. As @Duggies-girl says for POA purposes bank statements are enough but I would keep receipts as well.

MaNaAk