• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Dad agreed to paying my living expenses

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
I live with my dad who has dementia. I need to give up my career to look after him 24/7 (I have been off work sick and can see that he can no longer cope on his own).

He has always said that if I give up my job he would pay for my share of the food, utilities etc to ease the financial burden on me as I would only get Carer's Allowance. He says I could also have any of his Attendance Allowance that is spare. Is this allowed? Is this fair? Would people see me as profiting from the situation? I don't see how I could pay for my living costs on Carer's Allowance only.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,469
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson I looked after my dad for a couple of years full time and had to give up work so I suffered financially, no wages, just carers allowance. It's not fair but I managed. I eventually had to move in with him 24/7 and to be honest carers allowance is a joke for 24/7 care. For that final year dad paid for all of the shopping including my share of the food etc. He also treated me a few times but he could afford it. He paid for all the petrol in his car which I used for his benefit and also mine on the rare occasions that I went home. I have my own home but my husband had to look after that and pay the bills because I couldn't as I had no income other than carers allowance.

I certainly don't consider that I profited from any of this. In fact I lost 3 years wages and when dad died I found myself at the age of 63 with no chance of employment (covid didn't help) and no chance of any benefits so I am living on my savings until I reach pension age in 2022

As long as your dad can afford it then I don't see any problem with him helping you out. What would he pay for a care home. The big problem that I would worry about is, will anybody help you out to give you a break, do you have siblings who can give you the odd weekend off because it will get harder as you go along.

It's a lot to think about and it could leave you financially much worse off after a time but your dad saves care fees so only you can weigh it up.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
I live with my dad who has dementia. I need to give up my career to look after him 24/7 (I have been off work sick and can see that he can no longer cope on his own).

He has always said that if I give up my job he would pay for my share of the food, utilities etc to ease the financial burden on me as I would only get Carer's Allowance. He says I could also have any of his Attendance Allowance that is spare. Is this allowed? Is this fair? Would people see me as profiting from the situation? I don't see how I could pay for my living costs on Carer's Allowance only.
I can’t give a better answer than @Duggies-girl !

I would only add, do you know he can get a discount or even free council tax? That would put some more money into the pot.

If you don’t have both the powers of attorneys then I can’t overstate the importance of getting them in place.

The only other thing is to issue the warning about caring. You get drawn into it easily enough but getting out is not so easy. Certainly giving up work and the effect this has on your personal pension and prospects if you return to the job market will have long term effects. The other thing to take into consideration is how long you will be caring. A good guide would be to think to yourself, this is the next ten years?
Also if you value holidays, think ‘how am I going to get a holiday’ if self funding the answer is your dad will need to pay £1200 per week to go into respite care.
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson I looked after my dad for a couple of years full time and had to give up work so I suffered financially, no wages, just carers allowance. It's not fair but I managed. I eventually had to move in with him 24/7 and to be honest carers allowance is a joke for 24/7 care. For that final year dad paid for all of the shopping including my share of the food etc. He also treated me a few times but he could afford it. He paid for all the petrol in his car which I used for his benefit and also mine on the rare occasions that I went home. I have my own home but my husband had to look after that and pay the bills because I couldn't as I had no income other than carers allowance.

I certainly don't consider that I profited from any of this. In fact I lost 3 years wages and when dad died I found myself at the age of 63 with no chance of employment (covid didn't help) and no chance of any benefits so I am living on my savings until I reach pension age in 2022

As long as your dad can afford it then I don't see any problem with him helping you out. What would he pay for a care home. The big problem that I would worry about is, will anybody help you out to give you a break, do you have siblings who can give you the odd weekend off because it will get harder as you go along.

It's a lot to think about and it could leave you financially much worse off after a time but your dad saves care fees so only you can weigh it up.
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
This is not uncommon.
I really think you need a friend or someone on your side, if necessary to negotiate terms before you commit.

There is a dementia helpline


The love that you feel for your dad comes through very clearly. But here is my warning. Caring is very isolating, you will never be able to take any renumeration that equals a wage. If you think you are going to be receiving criticism and grief from family members, be honest with yourself and think am I going to head for depression.

Please make sure you don’t become Cinderella, with no prospect of a Prince at the end!

I am not sure my telephone helpline link is any good? Does anyone have a real one please?
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
589
0
@Tuesday Wilson .....your relatives probably think it’s a breeze, like living at home as a young adult....it’s not and it gets worse as time passes. When the inevitable happens you have been out of the job market, skills are outdated, and although you will have learned new skills you may not want to go into care work. As long as your parent can afford it, take the money, save if you can so that you have a little nest egg and can treat yourself occasionally. Not talking about a long cruise but coffee and a cake one afternoon without worrying about the cost,
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,796
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson, welcome to Dementia Talking Point. As you've discovered this is a great place for help and support. The number @Weasell mentioned is Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 . I'd give them a call and talk through the pros and cons of what you are suggesting.
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
I can’t give a better answer than @Duggies-girl !

I would only add, do you know he can get a discount or even free council tax? That would put some more money into the pot.

If you don’t have both the powers of attorneys then I can’t overstate the importance of getting them in place.

The only other thing is to issue the warning about caring. You get drawn into it easily enough but getting out is not so easy. Certainly giving up work and the effect this has on your personal pension and prospects if you return to the job market will have long term effects. The other thing to take into consideration is how long you will be caring. A good guide would be to think to yourself, this is the next ten years?
Also if you value holidays, think ‘how am I going to get a holiday’ if self funding the answer is your dad will need to pay £1200 per week to go into respite care.

Thanks so much for your reply and helpful advice.


I have always lived with my dad. We do not live extravagantly. I estimate that my half share of the food, utilities, council tax (with reduction), bills now comes to about £240 a month (less than the equivalent minimum wage for 1 hour a day of the 24 hour care I provide). I would have the Carer's Allowance of £67.25 a week for travel, days out with dad, incidentals etc.

The Attendance Allowance people thought it best that my dad's Attendance Allowance went directly to my bank account so I could easily access it and my dad is perfectly happy for me to have this access. But it has emerged that other siblings may not be happy with this. I reckoned that I should have access to this because I will need to pay for care when I need to go for my medical appointments or occasionally to see friends or have a break.

I have joint and several Power of Attorney with my siblings who have been restricted in seeing my dad during this Pandemic. I am shocked that they are questioning my food, utilities etc. I thought nothing of it but on speaking to other relatives I feel that they think it is not fair on my dad. Maybe I am being overly sensitive but gosh do you need a thick skin being a carer. My dad's small but managable pension can easily cover my living costs and he has agreed to this (though I do not have anything in writing). I am just shocked and confused that relatives can make me feel like this.

My dad may now not have capacity. He has always said he does not want does not want residential care and says he is extremely grateful for all I do. Thank you for your advice about 10 years. I feel I can fulfil the caring role right now and for some years and know it is going to get harder and harder but I did not expect the level of intrusion/questioning I am currently receiving and I suspect this too will get worse. I am feeling vulnerable now because I do not know my rights.

I am now having the additional work of keeping meticulous accounts/receipts of every single ice-cream or coffee I or my dad buys and feel there is no dignity in being a carer under these circumstances.

The fact that I am now questioning myself is worrying. Would the PoA authority question that my food, bill etc being paid by my dad?
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
@Tuesday Wilson .....your relatives probably think it’s a breeze, like living at home as a young adult....it’s not and it gets worse as time passes. When the inevitable happens you have been out of the job market, skills are outdated, and although you will have learned new skills you may not want to go into care work. As long as your parent can afford it, take the money, save if you can so that you have a little nest egg and can treat yourself occasionally. Not talking about a long cruise but coffee and a cake one afternoon without worrying about the cost,
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
Thanks for your reply and support. I thought nothing of it but relatives/joint POAs are questioning it so it has got complicated.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
Thanks so much for your reply and helpful advice.


I have always lived with my dad. We do not live extravagantly. I estimate that my half share of the food, utilities, council tax (with reduction), bills now comes to about £240 a month (less than the equivalent minimum wage for 1 hour a day of the 24 hour care I provide). I would have the Carer's Allowance of £67.25 a week for travel, days out with dad, incidentals etc.

The Attendance Allowance people thought it best that my dad's Attendance Allowance went directly to my bank account so I could easily access it and my dad is perfectly happy for me to have this access. But it has emerged that other siblings may not be happy with this. I reckoned that I should have access to this because I will need to pay for care when I need to go for my medical appointments or occasionally to see friends or have a break.

I have joint and several Power of Attorney with my siblings who have been restricted in seeing my dad during this Pandemic. I am shocked that they are questioning my food, utilities etc. I thought nothing of it but on speaking to other relatives I feel that they think it is not fair on my dad. Maybe I am being overly sensitive but gosh do you need a thick skin being a carer. My dad's small but managable pension can easily cover my living costs and he has agreed to this (though I do not have anything in writing). I am just shocked and confused that relatives can make me feel like this.

My dad may now not have capacity. He has always said he does not want does not want residential care and says he is extremely grateful for all I do. Thank you for your advice about 10 years. I feel I can fulfil the caring role right now and for some years and know it is going to get harder and harder but I did not expect the level of intrusion/questioning I am currently receiving and I suspect this too will get worse. I am feeling vulnerable now because I do not know my rights.

I am now having the additional work of keeping meticulous accounts/receipts of every single ice-cream or coffee I or my dad buys and feel there is no dignity in being a carer under these circumstances.

The fact that I am now questioning myself is worrying. Would the PoA authority question that my food, bill etc being paid by my dad?
The POA authority would not question your food and bills being paid.

I am so sad this is happening to you, it is surprisingly common though.

if you start reading the posts left by others it will not take you long to realise how many are in very similar positions to you.
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
Thanks for your reply and support. I thought nothing of it but relatives/joint POAs are questioning it so it has got complicated.
Hi @Tuesday Wilson I looked after my dad for a couple of years full time and had to give up work so I suffered financially, no wages, just carers allowance. It's not fair but I managed. I eventually had to move in with him 24/7 and to be honest carers allowance is a joke for 24/7 care. For that final year dad paid for all of the shopping including my share of the food etc. He also treated me a few times but he could afford it. He paid for all the petrol in his car which I used for his benefit and also mine on the rare occasions that I went home. I have my own home but my husband had to look after that and pay the bills because I couldn't as I had no income other than carers allowance.

I certainly don't consider that I profited from any of this. In fact I lost 3 years wages and when dad died I found myself at the age of 63 with no chance of employment (covid didn't help) and no chance of any benefits so I am living on my savings until I reach pension age in 2022

As long as your dad can afford it then I don't see any problem with him helping you out. What would he pay for a care home. The big problem that I would worry about is, will anybody help you out to give you a break, do you have siblings who can give you the odd weekend off because it will get harder as you go along.

It's a lot to think about and it could leave you financially much worse off after a time but your dad saves care fees so only you can weigh it up.
Duggies-girl - Thank you again. I am in a bit of a fog and should have mentioned that I am so sorry for your loss and greatly admire what you have done and are still doing for fellow carers. I wish you well.
 

Tuesday Wilson

New member
Apr 7, 2021
9
0
The POA authority would not question your food and bills being paid.

I am so sad this is happening to you, it is surprisingly common though.

if you start reading the posts left by others it will not take you long to realise how many are in very similar positions to you.
Thank you Weasell. One hour of scrolling down the helpful replies has made all the difference and will make me stronger. "The POA authority would not question your food and bills being paid" goes some way to calming me down. Thank you for helping me out of my panic. Everyone has helped more than they know.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
Thank you Weasell. One hour of scrolling down the helpful replies has made all the difference and will make me stronger. "The POA authority would not question your food and bills being paid" goes some way to calming me down. Thank you for helping me out of my panic. Everyone has helped more than they know.
Don’t forget the search bar at the top of the page.
so you could put in something like
’reasonable carer expenses’
or you could turn the problem round and put
’sibling taking parents money’
the reply’s to these will give you more possible search titles ?
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,282
0
Another idea would be to say to your most harsh critic that you need a week alone to consider your future/ recover from illness etc.
Get them to stay with dad for that week?
while you stay with a friend or book cheap accommodation somewhere?
But even that may not get you the appreciation you deserve.
My friend has recently been employing a live in carer, she was paying 850 per week and that was cheaper than the same service though an agency!
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
Hi Tuesday, I am staying with mum at the moment I have my own house and bills to pay, mortgage, utilities Council tax etc. While I'm at mums I get all food shopping for both of us on her card, any little treats for myself I pay extra on mine. I feel no guilt for this , don't know if I should ? I take mum for a drive every afternoon as it calms her down, we get coffee sandwiches etc, sit at local beauty spots or even in the car if its bad weather. Every other week I use mums card for petrol, as I wouldn't be using so much petrol if not for mum, plus taking her shopping.

I have POA along with my son , her grandson, there's only us in the family and he agrees to this, and I know my mum would if she had capacity as she was always very generous with us, paying for meals out and holidays. 2019 we went on a tour in Italy with church, it was expensive and no way I could afford it, but mum payed for me to go as her carer. Again I feel no guilt as mum could not have these things if it wasn't for me to take her. I don't get carers allowance as I'm working, but I do get 14 hors paid as a personal assistant to mum, which is not much. You shouldn't feel guilty and family have no right to make you feel that way
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
83
0
@Jessy82 Mum and I live separately and she does have capacity; I gave up work to look after her and I claim carer's allowance. As I do all the cooking, Mum pays for the main food shop with things such as bread, being split between us. I pay for the top up shopping and also treats for myself.
Mum has attendance allowance which is given to me to use on the extra gas, electricity (I do her washing) and petrol. It also covers our weekly take away, her trips to the hairdresser (easier than me getting her to wash her hair) and things such as ice cream when we're out.
My birthday is usually forgotten and I have very little for Christmas. My fault, I simply can't write out the usual cheque to myself.
Mum was also always generous and wanted to spend her money seeing us enjoying ourselves with her. With this in mind, I'm probably underspending!
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
13,721
0
England
@Tuesday Wilson

Going back a hundred years, servants were given a small wage with bed and board . You won’t have moved on from that , you are expected to manage on a small wage and pay for your bed and board.

I would get figures down for the cost of care for the number of hours you think your father needs at the moment and remember this time will increase as he declines. Then ask them which they prefer to pay. I have a friend whose care costs £17.50 an hour.

Carer’s allowance plus control as to how attendance allowance is used and free bed and board will be hundreds cheaper than bringing in a care agency.