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Dad agreed to paying my living expenses

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,193
0
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
So your siblings think your father should be taken care of at the absolute minimum cost so their future inheritance is protected! That what it seems to come down to !
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
589
0
@jaymoor. How very true... The thing is what others don’t understand is it’s not the actual hours feeding, cleaning, mopping up it’s the grinding hours of companionship, of inane conversations, repetition, watching tv programmes from the 1980,s, no choice in what you do but aiming to keep the peace. Charge these hours out and we would really be earning...double time at weekends and public holidays too, overtime rates...off soap box ....enjoy
 

Scarlet Lady

New member
Apr 6, 2021
3
0
Hi, Tuesday. I’m so sorry you are having all these additional family issues on top of the caring problems. I can totally empathise, though. Other than me and my brother (who is very supportive, but does not live near enough to be of much practical help), none of the rest of my aunts family even bother to contact her or me. I, like you, was shocked that my own relatives would behave like this. I’ve discovered on this dementia journey that it’s very common indeed.
I have an Enduring POA taken out in 2004 and I am the sole Attorney so I don’t have interference from anyone about the decisions I make. It is possible, I suppose, that someone might try to query finances, but so far it hasn’t happened and I feel I can justify everything I do. Both my aunt’s solicitor and her doctor are in agreement that although she can’t manage her own affairs, she doesn’t lack capacity in knowing what she wants and doesn’t want. For instance, getting her into a care home would be a nightmare I’m hoping never to have!
I‘m retired and haven’t applied for Carers Allowance. But my aunt gets Attendance Allowance as well as decent pensions. I think I would be reminding your siblings that Attendance Allowance is paid for precisely that reason; to help the person needing attending to pay for that care. You are perfectly entitled to use it to help pay for your Dad’s needs and your own expenses.
I shop for my aunt using her cards and confess to occasionally slipping in a treat for me! Sometimes I feel the need for a decent bottle of wine after a day spent with her! Also, in the days when she was able to go out, we’d often have a pub lunch and she’d insist on paying. I didn’t see that as being unfair at all.
You are giving up a great deal to provide such loving care for your Dad and it does sound as if he appreciates that, even if your siblings don’t. How on earth do they think you could cover all your living expenses on Carers Allowance alone? It’s a sad fact that many relatives are happy to bury their heads in the sand over the incredibly hard job of caring, but pop up as soon as they smell money. Sorry for such a long post, but I do sympathise and hope your family members get a major reality check.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
I had a live in carer for my Mum at the cost of £6500 per month. Plus costs for cover at times.
I took the view that it was mums savings and she wanted to remain at home. Other family members wanted mum in a care home setting that was cheaper but as I had sole power of attorney I pushed on with what I thought was right and was my Mum's wishes - to remain at home as long as possible. I supported this arrangement until I could no longer do it and my Mums condition worsened. In my experience sadly, family can go very strange about Money. I have kept every single receipt for anything purchased for the last 4 years. I know there will come a day when accusations are levelled at me - which is very sad. i think what your prepared to do for your Dad is amazing and I know I would have been very grateful if my sibling had been prepared to even have my Mum for Christmas! They are focusing on the wrong things! X
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,331
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Tuesday Wilson

I too would look at the cost of care for your dad if you were to continue working and earning a living. My dad’s carers cost £17ph with double for bank holidays and time and a half at weekends. A couple of hours a day would soon add up to well over £200 a week. I suspect your siblings are thinking about why will be left for them after your dad’s death but it’s your dad’s money for him to spend how he sees fit.

My brother thought this way he actually said “you look after dad then we’ll all have more inheritance” - and couldn’t care less that I’d have to give up work and income to do it! Perhaps you should point out how much you’d be saving your dad by offering to look after him..
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
Hi @Tuesday Wilson

I too would look at the cost of care for your dad if you were to continue working and earning a living. My dad’s carers cost £17ph with double for bank holidays and time and a half at weekends. A couple of hours a day would soon add up to well over £200 a week. I suspect your siblings are thinking about why will be left for them after your dad’s death but it’s your dad’s money for him to spend how he sees fit.

My brother thought this way he actually said “you look after dad then we’ll all have more inheritance” - and couldn’t care less that I’d have to give up work and income to do it! Perhaps you should point out how much you’d be saving your dad by offering to look after him..
WOW! Your brother actually said that? Unbelievable!
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,469
0
Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel less alone. My siblings and other family members are questioning whether I should have my food, utilities, etc paid for and I feel very confused and alone. They do not seem to realise all I have to do and during the Pandemic I have had no help. I know it will get harder but my relatives are my biggest problem always questioning and judging.
Ah yes the siblings. Mine had an very well paid job and a very busy life so there wasn't a lot he could do now was there. Well a bit of interest in dad would have been nice once in a while. He was however very interested in how any of dads money was spent. I was fortunate in that dad was financially stable and there was money there if he ever needed a care home. He could have self funded until he died so that was no problem.

Even before I gave up working I used to lunch with dad 2 or 3 times a week. I would drive him somewhere nice and we would have a pub lunch or fish and chips at the seaside and dad always paid. He insisted on that and I let him. I suppose I gained through that but I would rather have not because I just put on lots of weight, I really could have done without the lunches but dad so enjoyed himself that it just became a regular thing.

I was questioned about everything. 'Why did dad waste money on buying new blinds' and his 50 inch flat screen was an extravagance. As far as I was concerned if dad wanted it, he could have it. I think they expected him to stay at home and live on frozen dinners. Be prepared to fall out with them if they are like this. I used to leave dads bank statements in clear view so they could be seen by anyone who visited.

You need to make it clear now to any sibling that you will not be taken advantage of in any way. Have they any idea what full-time care would cost and as for 24/7 care I dread to think. If you are providing 24/7 care for free, your siblings will be laughing. You should not have to contribute to bills and if your dad is financially sound there is no reason why he cannot help you out.
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
@Jessy82 Mum and I live separately and she does have capacity; I gave up work to look after her and I claim carer's allowance. As I do all the cooking, Mum pays for the main food shop with things such as bread, being split between us. I pay for the top up shopping and also treats for myself.
Mum has attendance allowance which is given to me to use on the extra gas, electricity (I do her washing) and petrol. It also covers our weekly take away, her trips to the hairdresser (easier than me getting her to wash her hair) and things such as ice cream when we're out.
My birthday is usually forgotten and I have very little for Christmas. My fault, I simply can't write out the usual cheque to myself.
Mum was also always generous and wanted to spend her money seeing us enjoying ourselves with her. With this in mind, I'm probably underspending!
I agree mum has not remembered birthday and Christmas for a good few years now and she always gave us money. I went part time at work and moved in at the start of lockdown last year. Hoping to take her on little weekends away and a few flower festivals, and will pay with her money, as they are things that I wouldn't do myself, plus need to keep the savings low.
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
@jaymoor. How very true... The thing is what others don’t understand is it’s not the actual hours feeding, cleaning, mopping up it’s the grinding hours of companionship, of inane conversations, repetition, watching tv programmes from the 1980,s, no choice in what you do but aiming to keep the peace. Charge these hours out and we would really be earning...double time at weekends and public holidays too, overtime rates...off soap box ....enjoy
Well said totally agree
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
Ah yes the siblings. Mine had an very well paid job and a very busy life so there wasn't a lot he could do now was there. Well a bit of interest in dad would have been nice once in a while. He was however very interested in how any of dads money was spent. I was fortunate in that dad was financially stable and there was money there if he ever needed a care home. He could have self funded until he died so that was no problem.

Even before I gave up working I used to lunch with dad 2 or 3 times a week. I would drive him somewhere nice and we would have a pub lunch or fish and chips at the seaside and dad always paid. He insisted on that and I let him. I suppose I gained through that but I would rather have not because I just put on lots of weight, I really could have done without the lunches but dad so enjoyed himself that it just became a regular thing.

I was questioned about everything. 'Why did dad waste money on buying new blinds' and his 50 inch flat screen was an extravagance. As far as I was concerned if dad wanted it, he could have it. I think they expected him to stay at home and live on frozen dinners. Be prepared to fall out with them if they are like this. I used to leave dads bank statements in clear view so they could be seen by anyone who visited.

You need to make it clear now to any sibling that you will not be taken advantage of in any way. Have they any idea what full-time care would cost and as for 24/7 care I dread to think. If you are providing 24/7 care for free, your siblings will be laughing. You should not have to contribute to bills and if your dad is financially sound there is no reason why he cannot help you out.
You are so spot on about this.... how dare they question new blinds and a telly it is after all your DADS money.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
I think what no one ever acknowledges the stress and hard work of caring / being POA etc and then people quibbling over a reciept for this and that... I could send my brother receipts for DAYS of all the costs I have just swallowed travel for care, putting food in the fridge etc have never and would never begrudge this for my mum. Its just this assumed attitude of wrong doing that makes you watch points! X
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,469
0
I think what no one ever acknowledges the stress and hard work of caring / being POA etc and then people quibbling over a reciept for this and that... I could send my brother receipts for DAYS of all the costs I have just swallowed travel for care, putting food in the fridge etc have never and would never begrudge this for my mum. Its just this assumed attitude of wrong doing that makes you watch points! X
@Frank24 The only thanks I got was 'well done for completing probate without using a solicitor, that saved a lot of money' I did it because my parents had chosen me to be executor which was another load of stress while the brother and his wife carried on as normal. Apparently it all worked out well for them because I was retired and had loads of time to do it. I am not retired, I am unemployed and not eligible for any unemployment benefit but they would never recognise that.

They also decided that dads bungalow would be perfect for them even though they had never had any interest in it when dad lived there so they bought me out of my half. My SIL couldn't wait and even booked a valuation for it without telling me. I got wind and cancelled it. How dare she, it was nothing to do with her. I doubt I will ever be forgiven for that but I don't care.

Yes the stress and hard work along with the pathetic quibbling wears you down and it was all so unnecessary. I am sorry that you are having a similar experience as it leaves a bad taste for a long time even when it is all over.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
@Frank24 The only thanks I got was 'well done for completing probate without using a solicitor, that saved a lot of money' I did it because my parents had chosen me to be executor which was another load of stress while the brother and his wife carried on as normal. Apparently it all worked out well for them because I was retired and had loads of time to do it. I am not retired, I am unemployed and not eligible for any unemployment benefit but they would never recognise that.

They also decided that dads bungalow would be perfect for them even though they had never had any interest in it when dad lived there so they bought me out of my half. My SIL couldn't wait and even booked a valuation for it without telling me. I got wind and cancelled it. How dare she, it was nothing to do with her. I doubt I will ever be forgiven for that but I don't care.

Yes the stress and hard work along with the pathetic quibbling wears you down and it was all so unnecessary. I am sorry that you are having a similar experience as it leaves a bad taste for a long time even when it is all over.
How dare your sister in law. How cruel and tactless and thoughtless. I’ve had a similar experience, at one point we thought mum might might need to downsize into a flat she had broken her leg. I was looking at places for her. All were fairly expensive as stocks of that type of property are low in the area that mum lives on so come at a premium. My sister in law and brother suddenly started talking about buying my mums house. She was found there with a tape measure. What they were looking for was a family discount. I put my foot down... again 😂 but I found if hurtful and grasping. Things like that stay with you. Your so upset and worried at the time, for your relative I think it’s a bad time for that type of behaviour. As it happened mum stayed in her house and was happy for a few years after that and the money from the sale is needed to fund her care should her chc funding be withdrawn. I’ve totally fallen out with them now and only speak to them when required in an emergency only usually. But part of being POA is acting properly and in the interests of the PWD. And sadly family have different ideas on what that looks like and often other motives are at play.
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
67
0
UK
We built an extension on my brother's property for my parents, my dad died before he could move in, mum lived there 15 months before my brother and sister in law wanted her to move to a home. I would not let her go to a home so she moved in with me and my family. Whilst she was living with my brother i had never questioned him on what money was being spent. Once mum moved in with me i was constantly questioned about how much everything cost.
My brother was unable to manage mum's behaviour and could not understand how i could, she obviously deteriorated , but he would turn up to visit and find mum clean, well dressed and cared for sitting calmly. He was not there in the early morning managing her behaviours in getting her up, washed dressed and fed, or managing taking her out, and keeping her safe 24hrs a day, getti g her into the car to daycare and collecting her after an hour as they couldn't manage her.
Just before Xmas one year my brother was visiting, and at the same time a letter came from the Court of Protection advising me that they had received a complaint about misuse of mum's money.
I kicked my brother out. I packed an overnight bag for mum, and told her that she was visiting her son for a few days.
After 2 days my brother found an emergency bed for her in a care home for her that did not cater for dementia , he had to spend most of the day with her.
Anyway to cut a very long story short, mum moved back to my care and my brother withdrew his complaint with the Court of Protection!
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
We built an extension on my brother's property for my parents, my dad died before he could move in, mum lived there 15 months before my brother and sister in law wanted her to move to a home. I would not let her go to a home so she moved in with me and my family. Whilst she was living with my brother i had never questioned him on what money was being spent. Once mum moved in with me i was constantly questioned about how much everything cost.
My brother was unable to manage mum's behaviour and could not understand how i could, she obviously deteriorated , but he would turn up to visit and find mum clean, well dressed and cared for sitting calmly. He was not there in the early morning managing her behaviours in getting her up, washed dressed and fed, or managing taking her out, and keeping her safe 24hrs a day, getti g her into the car to daycare and collecting her after an hour as they couldn't manage her.
Just before Xmas one year my brother was visiting, and at the same time a letter came from the Court of Protection advising me that they had received a complaint about misuse of mum's money.
I kicked my brother out. I packed an overnight bag for mum, and told her that she was visiting her son for a few days.
After 2 days my brother found an emergency bed for her in a care home for her that did not cater for dementia , he had to spend most of the day with her.
Anyway to cut a very long story short, mum moved back to my care and my brother withdrew his complaint with the Court of Protection!
That sounds stressful. He obviously released that he was totally out of order. Hurtful for you though.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,469
0
Well I am going to apologise to you @Tuesday Wilson because we have completely taken over your thread but at least you have some idea now of the potential pitfalls of family interference when you are the main or sole carer so you can at least prepare yourself for any future fallouts.

@Frank24 yes a family discount was broached as they had saved us the estate agent fees and we could meet in the middle. What that actually meant is they gain a bit and I lose a bit. I said no to that as well. I haven't heard from them since I paid them the remainder of the estate which speaks for itself.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
751
0
When my mum first needed care in order to continue living on her own, we researched family carers and checked the OPG rules for both Deputyship and LPA - thanks to a link from a thread on here! The OPG recognise that family carers are in most situations better than outside carers and so it is allowed to pay family carers. The caveat was that the amount paid should be less than that outside carers might be paid.

So my sister ( aged 52) took voluntary redundancy and we paid her £10 an hour for 20 hours a week, plus £50 a month for petrol to take mum out. This was a lot less than the £25 an hour we eventually paid to a care agency for additional weekend cover. My sister was able to also work for two days a week in a similar position as her previous job from home and either my brother or me covered those days and all three of us took it in turn to care for mum at weekends.

This only worked because all three of us worked together to make sure mum had a daily visit of at least two hours, a hot meal every day, trips out for lunch and we shared medical appointments. My sisters 20 hours a week was not sufficient especially as time passed but luckily we are a very close family. Mum still ended up going into a home after a fall at the start of the first lockdown but we know we had done our best. My sister has since increased her hours working for the same company to cover the loss of mums money as I think I would have felt guilty if she had ended up out of pocket.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,469
0
When my mum first needed care in order to continue living on her own, we researched family carers and checked the OPG rules for both Deputyship and LPA - thanks to a link from a thread on here! The OPG recognise that family carers are in most situations better than outside carers and so it is allowed to pay family carers. The caveat was that the amount paid should be less than that outside carers might be paid.

So my sister ( aged 52) took voluntary redundancy and we paid her £10 an hour for 20 hours a week, plus £50 a month for petrol to take mum out. This was a lot less than the £25 an hour we eventually paid to a care agency for additional weekend cover. My sister was able to also work for two days a week in a similar position as her previous job from home and either my brother or me covered those days and all three of us took it in turn to care for mum at weekends.

This only worked because all three of us worked together to make sure mum had a daily visit of at least two hours, a hot meal every day, trips out for lunch and we shared medical appointments. My sisters 20 hours a week was not sufficient especially as time passed but luckily we are a very close family. Mum still ended up going into a home after a fall at the start of the first lockdown but we know we had done our best. My sister has since increased her hours working for the same company to cover the loss of mums money as I think I would have felt guilty if she had ended up out of pocket.
Well what a lovely caring family you are and it is nice to know that there are families that co-operate like yours have. When my dad suddenly needed full time care and I do mean 24/7 dad agreed that he would pay me an allowance because I knew it would always be me. We agreed on a token amount for overnight care for whoever stayed. £25 was agreed but when I told me brother this he was outraged that I would be getting this payment so I doubled it to £50

Dad could well afford it and it worked out very well for me. My brother was so incensed that I would be getting more money than him that he recruited my niece and nephew for some weekend duties and I got some well needed time off.

I was often there for 10 days in a row and it was a huge responsibility. Dad was no bother and he was funny but he was very frail and a fall would have been the end of him. He also had to have a special diet because of his oesophageal cancer which was another worry but he was still able to take himself to the toilet which was a bonus. He couldn't find his kitchen or turn the tap on so he just couldn't be left. My husband often took over for a couple of nights so I could go home.

Wish I had your family.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
Well I am going to apologise to you @Tuesday Wilson because we have completely taken over your thread but at least you have some idea now of the potential pitfalls of family interference when you are the main or sole carer so you can at least prepare yourself for any future fallouts.

@Frank24 yes a family discount was broached as they had saved us the estate agent fees and we could meet in the middle. What that actually meant is they gain a bit and I lose a bit. I said no to that as well. I haven't heard from them since I paid them the remainder of the estate which speaks for itself.
I’m sorry also for jumping on this thread! But it just goes to show it’s very common...?-and I think that it’s reassuring to know it’s not you! The situation makes some people react in a certain way. Sometimes family estrangement is the only way for any sanity... sad though it is. Dealing with that sadness plus the PWD sadness and worry is a killer blow... or it almost was in my case.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
106
0
Well what a lovely caring family you are and it is nice to know that there are families that co-operate like yours have. When my dad suddenly needed full time care and I do mean 24/7 dad agreed that he would pay me an allowance because I knew it would always be me. We agreed on a token amount for overnight care for whoever stayed. £25 was agreed but when I told me brother this he was outraged that I would be getting this payment so I doubled it to £50

Dad could well afford it and it worked out very well for me. My brother was so incensed that I would be getting more money than him that he recruited my niece and nephew for some weekend duties and I got some well needed time off.

I was often there for 10 days in a row and it was a huge responsibility. Dad was no bother and he was funny but he was very frail and a fall would have been the end of him. He also had to have a special diet because of his oesophageal cancer which was another worry but he was still able to take himself to the toilet which was a bonus. He couldn't find his kitchen or turn the tap on so he just couldn't be left. My husband often took over for a couple of nights so I could go home.

Wish I had your family.
Awwwww that’s a sad story. Your love for you dad shines through in these words. I’m sure he appreciated it ❤️X your brother should be ashamed x
 

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