D.&V. at the CH.

[gringo]

My wife has been in a CH. for over a year. I have never got used to it, and neither has she. I know that AD. means that you lose them a bit at a time, I have accepted that, not much alternative. I have only been too glad to hold tight to, and enjoy what was still there. Visiting each day usually made it just about bearable.
But now,they have had D&V.(diarrhoea and vomiting), no visitors allowed for over a week. I ring up each morning only to be told “Still no visitors”. To-day, I thought, the hell with it, I’ll go anyway, but I was turned away at the door. They can’t give me any idea how long this will go on.
She will imagine I have abandoned her.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be persuaded to put her in the CH.
Can somebody tell me, if they have been through this, how long it can last?
This complete separation is an unwelcome new experience for me on top of all the others this disease puts on us. I find I have too few reserves left to cope very well with the emptiness of my flat and my life. At our age (80’s), and with this disease, we don’t have many days left when we can still be together. Each day apart is a day gone and wasted.
I posted a poem some days back, called Retribution. Because it was so bleak, I apologised for doing so, but that is how it is.
It’s an ill wind that blows no good. I know I have to find a way to deal with all the complications and look after her at home.
I apologise to those who have lost their partners and are reading this, it must seem a very small thing by comparison.

 

[BeckyJan]

Oh dear Gringo - I feel so sad for you as I have experienced the same as you. The D & V thing makes it hard but you know your wife will not remember your not visiting (although YOU do).

My husband was in a Nursing Home for 3 1/2 years and I never truly accepted it although I did have to acknowledge I could not have cared for him so well as they did. The carers and nurses were there day and night for him and I know I could not manage it mainly because I lacked the physical strength.#

When considering care at home remember that it is for 24 hrs and no one (not even carers) can cope with it for so long. You would have to manage the shifts and absences (when carers were sick or away). Night time carers are hard to locate and very costly.

Only you know what you can and cannot do but please remember that your own health is important, not just for you but for your wife too.

With lots of understanding and best wishes

 

[beech mount]

Gringo, please try not to feel guilty, you have and are still doing all you can.
The sense of time is different for a dementia sufferer, a week for us may be only a day for them, i do understand Gringo what you are going through and i know that anything i say is only words but i know what you are going through.
What a pity that now you need support there are so few replies to your thread, i am sorry for that.
John.

 

[rajahh]

gringo I have no experience but have learnt from your posts just how much your life revolves around your visiting your wife.

It must be devastating to be turned away at the door. I truly cannot imagine the pain you are in.

However as others have said, it is you who are suffering the most, not your wife.

As for bringing her home and organising everything, I am not sure that is a feasible proposition, however I do know others who have done it.

I send you a virtual hug.

Jeannette

 

[jan.s]

Dear Gringo, i am so sorry that you are unable to visit, and of course you miss your wife. Each visit is important to us, but as others have said, those with dementia lose the concept of time.

I hope the D & V clears soon so you can go and see Mrs Gringo soon. I bet she hasn't realised it has been so long.

Sending my warmest wishes.

Jan x

 

[KentJude]

Hello Gringo I understand exactly what you're going through as my mum, who I care for at home, is in hospital at the moment with a uti and visitors were banned for five days because of norovirus. I insisted on visiting however as mum is late stage AD and needs feeding and watering. I know the staff don't have time to do it as it takes hours.

Caring for someone at home is hard but not impossible especially if you have a close bond with the person and a good support network. It's not a chore then. You do need reliable carers to support you of course. Your anguish at the separation from your wife is bound to affect your emotional health. Only you know off you could cope with the care of your wife and how strong you are. I wish you the right solution soon.

 

[Sunbell]

Hi Gringo,
It is a terrible situation when this virus gets into the care home and then ban any visitors.

This happened at my mums care home late last year. We were told that there has to be 48 hours clear without any new residents starting with the virus before they can open up the place for visitors. I can understand the reasons behind this as they don't want the virus spreading even further but it is so very hard for both yourself and your loved one when you are unable to see each other.

It got into the 2nd week of closure at mum's care home and she, along with some other residents were starting to fret and I was also very worried and concerned over the thought of mum being so upset at not seeing me. I asked to speak to mum over the telephone but mum having hearing difficulties could not hear me very well and so was even more distressed.

Got to the 3rd week and me and several other carers asked if we could have our loved ones brought outside so we could visit or take them out in our cars if they were able enough to cope with this. The home agreed to this so that is what we had to do. My mum had not contracted the virus so couldn't understand at all why we were not allowed to visit. Anyway luckily after the 3rd week they let us back in as no one had contracted the virus in the last 48 hours.

I really do hope that this problem is resolved quickly for you and your dear wife. Maybe you could try the telephoning her if she is able? At least she would hear your voice.

You are in my thoughts as I know what it is like and wish I could help you more.

Good luck and take care - Sunbell

 

[PeggySmith]

Gringo,

That's awful for you. I really haven't got anything to add to what the others have said, or to cheer you up. Just hang in there and let us know how it's going.

I know I have to find a way to deal with all the complications and look after her at home.

Is that really an option? Big hugs.

 

[garnuft]

So sorry to hear you can't visit your wife Gringo.
I didn't realise that this happened, I would be frantic.

I hope you are able to see her soon.

 

[jaymor]

Hello Gringo,

So sorry you are struggling with not being able to visit your wife and your thoughts of her thinking you have deserted her.

My husband has had two lock downs since he went into nursing care in August, one for one day and the other for two days. He is in a very small nursing home so everything is caught quickly so very lucky there. They do have a very in depth 'poo watch' so changes in individuals is noticed quite quickly.

I then caught the whooping cough virus and had to stay away for well over a week and I was really worried that he would think I had deserted him and I had asked that he was not told I was ill for fear of worrying him. When I was allowed to go he greeted me as normal, looking at me as if he was thinking I know you but not sure who you are. So I had worried for over a week and he was unaware that I had not been around.

Hopefully your first visit will be as good as mine.

Chin up,

Jay x

 

[Jancis]

Dear Gringo,
I am so sorry to hear that you have been banished from visiting your wife at the moment because of norovirus (I'm assuming it's this virus or something similar).

I help look after my mum at home and she contracted the virus after a visit to her GP's surgery a couple of months ago. I have never experienced anything like it, she was terribly ill - mainly with D. After cleaning up time after time I also caught the bug and if my husband wasn't here I don't know what we would have done. Fortunately he seemed to be immune to it.

I do hope your wife does not get the virus and that you are able to visit any day now. It's very sad that you have to be separated for so long.
x Jancis

 

[gringo]

Thank-you all for your kind comments.
I hadn't appreciated, until now, how heartening it is to get such messages of support.
Still locked out. They say possibly Saturday. I wish!
Both sons in the far east, not quite invisible, but difficult to see clearly at times. We should have had daughters.

 

[Contrary Mary]

Oh Gringo, I am keeping my fingers well crossed for you that the home can reopen soon. When Mum went into care I was visiting every day as she was so ill. Then the home shut for a virus. I kept ringing up and being told they hoped to open soon. Then someone else would go down with it and the 48 hour countdown started all over again Sadly, I never got to see Mum again until she went down with something completely different and was sent to hospital where she died. I believe the home did open very soon after Mum died.

It is quite horrible, though, and I hope you can post some good news on Saturday.

((((HUG))))
Mary

 

[jimbo 111]

Thank-you all for your kind comments.
I hadn't appreciated, until now, how heartening it is to get such messages of support.
Still locked out. They say possibly Saturday. I wish!
Both sons in the far east, not quite invisible, but difficult to see clearly at times. We should have had daughters.

gringo I know you must be devastated at your present situation’ and I hope it is soon resolved
I cared for my wife at home until her death , though I have no personal experience like yourself and others on TP I can still understand the anguish and guilt that is felt by yourself and other members who’s partners are in care homes
The only contribution I can make is that I am of a similar age to yourself
Trying to cope with all the anxieties and traumas both mental and physical are a terrible burden to younger people , at our age , perhaps with our own physical problems , it often becomes almost unbearable .
The danger is that with the stubborn attitude that you will not , cannot give in , you do not then realise that your wife’s welfare is also suffering
No matter what help you get , carers , social workers, etc, your care is 24/7 Night times can be a nightmare with lack of sleep , tending to problems, mishaps, etc,
I have plenty of guilt problems of my own since my wife died
Ironically ,one of them is that perhaps she would have had a more comfortable end of life if I had not been so adamant that I could cope
If your wife is in a good care home , well looked after , please think very carefully about any decision to care for her at home ,
Others may not agree with me , but I am only giving you my perspective based on our age
Take care and I hope you will soon be able to visit
jimbo 111

 

[Big Effort]

Can you move into a care home as a couple?

Dear Gringo,
I got here late, and like you, feel heartened at what others have shared with you already.

I can see that you want to be with her.... whenever you want. This may be a silly idea, and I have no idea of UK facilities so cannot really be useful, but I have read here on this forum of couples being in care homes together.

If you are an octogenarian already, would it be possible to get your things in order, and then put all your skills and resources into finding a care home that will take you both? You are so eloquent here, surely there must be a care home that can see you want to live out your days together? It doesn't seem an extreme desire to me, in fact I imagine it is what most couples would opt for.

Hope I haven't just managed to upset you further by making an unrealistic suggestion. But I know there are people here on this forum who are together and in care.

Hope those doors open soon and you get to reassure yourself that your lovely wife is fine and well cared for. Sending love, BE

 

[rjm]

Hi gringo,

The forced separation must be terrible. I've no idea how long it can last but I do hope that it is resolved quickly for both your sakes.

 

[gringo]

gringo
The danger is that with the stubborn attitude that you will not , cannot give in , you do not then realise that your wife’s welfare is also suffering
No matter what help you get , carers , social workers, etc, your care is 24/7 Night times can be a nightmare with lack of sleep , tending to problems, mishaps, etc,
I have plenty of guilt problems of my own since my wife died
Ironically ,one of them is that perhaps she would have had a more comfortable end of life if I had not been so adamant that I could cope
If your wife is in a good care home , well looked after , please think very carefully about any decision to care for her at home ,
jimbo 111

Oh Jimbo! I do hope I haven't resurrected your feelings of guilt.
You've holed me below the waterline. It's all hands to the pumps, but I'm not sure I can keep afloat. To mix my metaphors, you have stopped me in my tracks.
Thank-you very much for such an honest and helpful post. You've given me much food for thought. (Who are you calling stubborn?)
As somebody posted the other day, Thank God for Jimbo. I agree.
Mike.

 

[gringo]

Hope I haven't just managed to upset you further by making an unrealistic suggestion. But I know there are people here on this forum who are together and in care.
BE

BE. you could never upset me or anyone else on TP. you always speak from the heart and you are always worth reading.
Oddly enough, this was my original intention over a year ago, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it. But, in view of Jimbo's post, I think I must go back and re-think this.
Has anyone-else tried this?

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry you aren`t able to visit your wife gringo. I`m sure you are suffering more than she is . I do hope the infection clears soon and you`ll be able to resume your visits.

 

[Izzy]

Gringo just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. It must be incredibly hard. x