1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. graham

    graham Registered User

    Apr 23, 2007
    15
    London
    Dad died on April 1st after 7 years of AD actually of bowel cancer we couldnt really diagnose properly or treat him for except for giving him morphine in the last weeks to keep him comfortable

    after feeling very calm but very depressed and numb for days I was crying on the bus home tonight - it was like i was thawing out

    Being on top of a double decker bus there isnt anywhere to run when you start to think of sad things

    After one of my visits last year long after Dad had lost language except for the odd word (that would amaze us all!) my brother dropped me at the station we took Dad for the ride

    When we got onto the platform assuming Dad didnt realise what was happening and just for something to say I said casually 'I'm getting the train back to London now Dad'

    He looked as tho he had been punched in the stomach and his eyes filled with tears and he said 'why'

    At the time it was agony to get on the train and leave him there with my brother

    On the top of the bus tonightI just wanted to find my Dad and hug him but now I cant because he's gone

    Everything like this that you need to find them and be with them and you cant

    its so painful and hard to believe it's real and that you'll never see them ever again- it won't sink in
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Dear Graham

    I so wish there was something one could say that would make you feel better, but of course there isn't. It's very early days yet for the fact of your father's death to sink in, and undoubtedly, in the weeks and months to come you'll find it all comes flooding back. Just let yourself go with the flow: there will be good times and bad times, but eventually the grief will lessen, although it will never truly go away.

    Take care

    Jennifer
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Graham,
    You are thawing out. The brain is very clever and goes numb to protect us from the pain initially - then it starts to thaw, and just lets through what we can cope with. Give yourself time to grieve, and just take one day at a time.
    Love Helen
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Graham

    You are right, it is like thawing out -- and I'm sure you've also now got the 'limp' feeling that goes with it. When you feel you have no energy or motivation to do anything.

    Take care of yourself just now. This is the time to rest, give yourself some treats, sit and remember your dad if that is what you want to do, and cry!

    Take care, and post again whenever you need someone to talk to.

    Love,
     
  5. Sweet Pea

    Sweet Pea Registered User

    Dec 20, 2006
    24
    North Yorkshire
    Dear Graham

    I too felt numb after my Dad died in December 2006 (and I suppose there was a sense of relief that his struggle with this TERRIBLE illness was over) I am also starting to 'thaw' out and missing my Dad more and more each day. It was my birthday this week and I spent the day with my mum at her house. It was a lovely day but tinged with sadness as last year my Dad was around to celebrate with us. I suppose this will happen more and more, and it is perfectly 'normal' to feel sad and also very good to have a good cry. We have so many memories stored away that periods of sadness are inevitable.

    It is comforting somehow to know that others understand

    Take care

    Sweet pea
     
  6. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Graham
    I lost my mum in February......a few days before she died she looked at me.....she had also lost the ability to speak...but the way she looked was as if she was talking to me.....hard to explain...but a sort of pleading look in her eyes......that does come back to haunt me at times but I know it will get easier.......but it leaves me feeling guilty,....what was she saying to me? How could I leave her in the hospital? So I really understand this feeling of needing to speak to our loved ones to hug, to reassure......
    Its so easy to look back and think well...we shouldn't have done this....we shouldn't have done that....but it's very easy to look back with hindsight and think we could have altered the outcome.....
    Graham....today I walked in the woods and breathed in the smell of the bluebells and thought how precious life is.......you will have better days I promise....
    Love Wendy xx
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Dear Graham,
    Give yourself time, don`t fight the grief, allow yourself to mourn.

    It`s such a final state, unless you have faith otherwise, and very difficult to accept and come to terms with.

    Your father was one of the most important people in your life and no-one can fill the gap he`s left. That`s why it`s do difficult for you.
     
  8. graham

    graham Registered User

    Apr 23, 2007
    15
    London
    I keep catching myself thinking when I go to visit my mother next week he'll be there

    I wish death worked out so that you go and see them occasionally - like in a room in prison visits or care homes

    I am somehow waiting to meet up with him and tell him about all this stuff I'd forgotten and how much its made me realise how much he gave me and how much he meant to me and I'll hug him again and have a joke

    then I remember thats not how it works and then I sort of come back to reality with a crash and its so sad and painful

    This business of never ever seeing him again is really killing me at the moment - I just simply cant believe it - it doesnt make sense in my head

    Typing on here is a real help - it focuses my thoughts and your comments really help
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Graham, do you have anything of your fathers` that you can keep with you? Something to wear or something to use or something just to keep in your pocket. It might help.
     
  10. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Oh Graham
    I wish I could help you with your pain.......
    For what its worth.......just sending you a big hug
    Love Wendy xxxx
     
  11. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Dear Graham, how I understand those feelings...I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I'm sure he knew he was a special person and meant such a lot to you.

    I often think of my nan and gramps, and aunty and uncle, and wish I could make sure they knew how much they meant and how grateful I am for everything they've given me. I wait for the phone to ring and my aunt or uncle to chat to me. They both died a few months ago and I miss them sorely. Some days I just miss them, other days it hurts physically that they're not there.
    I wish I could have another laugh with my gramps, hear his voice and the familiar stories. And how I miss my lovely, gentle nan whose smile lit up a room...she's been gone 6 years and the pain is still there, but differently than in the first weeks and months.

    It's early days for you yet, Graham. It will take time to sink in properly, and yes, realisation is painful. If you feel like crying, cry. There's nothing wrong with it. It would be strange if you weren't upset and missing your dad. Someone else on TP said in a post "If they weren't so special, we wouldn't miss them so much..."

    Take care,
    Tina
     
  12. graham

    graham Registered User

    Apr 23, 2007
    15
    London
    I do have one of his gardening caps but its more or less stayed in its bag since I came back from the funeral because its too painful to even look at it

    Maybe later it will be a comfort to have it

    but right now I havent the courage to go near it because I dont want a flat hat he did the gardening in - I want him back and all it does - much like photographs - is make you torn apart by something you can't have so I've steered clear

    I know when I'm ready it will become precious

    I have been fine the last few days but was sitting in a cafe today and remembered a little signal Dad and I used to have when he was sitting in his chair I'd lean over him and put my mouth on his ear as though to whisper something then make a soft clicking noise in his ear

    He always used to chuckle because it was so soppyand yet he knew it was meant like a kiss for him - I used to do it all the time

    It meant 'all is well'

    That suddenly vividly came back to me and I was gritting my teeth with shock in the cafe wondering if I was going to lose it in front of the whole place

    It was like a flashback - I could hear me clicking into his ear really clearly and it took me totally be suprise
     
  13. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hiya Graham

    We seem to go into automatic pilot when we lose such an important part of our life, i think its our brain allowing us to adjust, the thawing out is a slow process and a painful one!

    The longing to see our loved ones is painful too (Oh how i know where your coming from on that one!!!) and i don't supose that bit gets any easier, but in time you learn to live with it and you slowly start to move forward again.

    You will get there Graham, it just takes time honey.

    Love Alex x
     
  14. plastic scouser

    plastic scouser Registered User

    Graham

    I think that we all feel the same way.

    I lost my Dad at the end of January after a short sharp 6 month descent into the hell of dementia.

    I too just sit there crying sometimes - often in the car on the way to work, sometimes I've even laid in bed next to my wife crying silently into the pillow (she lost her Dad very suddenly last year so we're absolutely no help to each other at the moment!).

    I like the image of thawing out - it makes it much more understandable as to why we feel like this. I never thought I'd miss Dad as much as I do as after I was 18 I moved away from home and only saw him on trips home etc.

    Posting on here is a cathartic experience - or at least it is for me.

    Good luck for the future, never ever forget your Dad - I suppose the best way of dealing with it is how my kids (3 & 5) remember their Grandad - there's a star in the sky looking down on you - and sometimes he's up there in the clouds in that blue sky. He'll always be with you.
     
  15. narfloon

    narfloon Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    9
    Hamshire
    I think that is such a lovely way to remember the ones we have lost, to think of them as a star in the sky. That is what I tell my oldest (4). He never knew mum when she was well, and it is really hard to try to explain things to him. My most treasured memory is a game of hide and seek my mum played with him when she was in care. it was a totally unexpected moment of relative clarity (although she could not talk at this point and im not sure she knew who we were), but it was something i will always treausre. Also, my youngest took his first steps in her care home in front of her....that was really special.

    I just wish the pain and anger would go and I could feel happy and like me again. Im not convinced i ever will!
     
  16. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I don't seem to be able to cry properly, perhaps all the anger dried up the tears.

    Am still struggling with the family fall-out after over a year, perhaps that never goes away.
     
  17. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi Graham

    so sorry for your loss, i can only say take each day as it comes, cry, shout out if you have to there is no right or wrong way to greive. They say time is a great healer you never think you will wake up one day and not cry but for me its happend over a period of time i lost my mum aged 62 in march 2006, there is not a day that goes by that i do not think of her. I still can be sat on a bus and my eyes fill up or i could be walking down the street and i fill up again. Its so sad i know and its clear how much you love your dad,take care of yourself

    kathy
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Dear LIla,

    All fallouts are upsetting, but family fallouts are even worse, and stay in your mind constantly.

    Is there no way you can resolve this. Could you write a letter, or letters, and send them to those concerned. The good thing about writing letters is you have time to compose them and read them through. You could express your feelings with out losing control and just let your family know how upset you are.

    Something good might come out of it, and at least you will know you tried.

    Love xx
     
  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #19 Margarita, May 20, 2007
    Last edited: May 20, 2007
    That happen to me few weeks after my father died , I was at work at the time , I was doing night shift then , so had so much time to think , manger took me to his office as I was trying to control those tears , then lost it all that meant is that I ball my eyes out with tears , then any little thing would set it of , the crying , when your living in it and its happening to you in that moment its so hard to release that its normal all those tears .

    first year I must of shed a sea of tears of /on , my tears where saying what my heart was feeling , that words could never express , 5 years on I have learn to live with the grief , but even thought I try even now not to admit it , because people say to me I should move on , yes I can move on from how I handle that grief , but never move on from missing my father no matter how hard I try to pretend to myself I don't miss him still , because yes his dead in body , but never in soul his soul is with me in my memories.


    first few years I had so many memories that made me feel I wish I had done this , I wish it was like that . Now I just thing its all done and dusted now , something my father would of said to me .

    Now If I forces on memories of my father It feel like I can feel him around me , but I could not do that back then because I wanted him in body not in soul
     
  20. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Graham

    My Dad died over 2 years ago, and I too found it hard to cope with the fact that after him being there for me for more or less 47 years, I was never going to see him again.

    I used to say this to brothers and sisters, but I don't think they really understood what I meant - it just seemed such a big thing to me - I'm never going to see my dad again

    There are times when I wish I believed in god, but I don't, so can't even think that I'll see him in heaven.

    My own way of coping with it (and some people may think I'm a little bit mad, but hey - who cares!) is to think that at the end of your life, it all starts again - you're born and you live your life all over again - when you have deja vu, that's just when you have a slight memory from a previous life - so currently my dad is a 2 year old toddler!!! Yes OK - maybe I am a little mad:eek:

    I don't feel as though I've totally grieved for my dad, as once he was gone, all of our attention had to be diverted to Mum who has AD - even at the funeral, we were all concerned with how she was going to be.

    Take care Graham and heal at your own pace

    Libs
     

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