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Crossing Over


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
Hi all

This is my first time of coming over into this forum, I now feel this is probably where I should be and where (if someone is willing) I might get some help. My dad is in the final stage and were told on Thursday night that it is now palliative care only and he probably only has days left. He is not swallowing, having any food or any medication now apart from the drip. IT is now Monday and he is still with us, I know everyone now what torture it is watching someone go through this but I just want someone to tell me how long it takes, what can I expect next. It seems so hard to get any answers from anyone when all we want is the truth. I mean he has no food or anything for over 2 weeks surely the body cant survive much more can it? Sorry if I sound uncaring i just cant face the not knowing.

Debbie x

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Debby.

Who is suffering the most, you or your father? I think it may be you.

If your father is peaceful, not in pain and having palliative care only, let him drift away in his own time. I don`t think anyone would be able to tell you how long that time will be. He won`t be hungry, he won`t be thirsty, and it doesn`t sound as if he is uncomfortable.

I know it is heartbreaking for you to watch and wait. I wish I had a solution.

Love xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Debbie

I think no-one's answering your questions because there is no answer. No-one knows how long it will take, it's different for everyone.

It's so hard for you, I know. I went through the same with my mum. She lasted six weeks without food, but she was getting fuids intravenously, so that would have kept her alive longer.

I've suggested on your other thread where you might get some support. Please give it a try, Sylvia's right, you're the one who's suffering, and you're the one who needs support.



Registered User
Oct 20, 2007
Dear Debbie,
Hazel's right, no-one can give you the answer to your question, not even the doctors. My Mum died in September, she was at the end stage in hospital, just getting over her second bout of aspiration pneumonia, only on a drip, all meds stopped. Macmillan nurse came to see us, to discuss withdrawing fluids, obviously not a decision you want to make. A couple of days later, that decision was taken out of our hands, when Mum suffered a bigger stroke than normal, and her breathing changed dramatically, we were than told, it was the end, could be hours or days.. Mum rallied the next day, and we were given a bit of false hope, She passed away the next evening.
We had wanted for Mum to be at home, when she passed, but were told she wouldn't survive the journey. The hospital staff were lovely and very caring to us all, and she was kept very comfortable..
Can you get an appointment with your Dad's consultant, to air your concerns and worries?
If you would like to ask me anything, feel free to P.M me and I will try and help, I don't like to put down all details, as I don't want to offend or upset anyone.
Will be thinking of you, your Dad and Family,
Take Care, Nickyxxx


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Hi Debbie

I am sorry to hear you and your family are going through this stage in your father's condition. As the other's have said there is no one who could tell you how long your father has left.

I lost my Nanna at the begining of November, she passed in hospital. My Nanna passed with most of the family around her, she was in no pain of that I'm sure and she just slipped away.

I think one of the hardest things at this stage is, we all know what the outcome is. It was the waiting for the phone call that I think was the hardest for me, as when I got that call I knew it wouldn't be long.

As I am sure you know by now this stage is the total and utter pitts. As Nicky has said if you wish to chat more please feel free to PM me as well.

My heart is with you and your family at this difficult time.

Take Care


Registered User
Jul 24, 2007
I guess helplessly standing by is the worst feeling of all. We are now at the end of our resources, my mother having been in and out of the hospital because of diabetes, high blood pressure, weak heart, and now her kidneys are affected. I wonder how much more can her body take. The doc says she is a fighter, but i don't want her to fight anymore. I have learned to pray and to pray harder. I feel it is selfish to pray for her recovery from her condition now. She is suffering, or her body is. I now pray for her own personal intention. Am i wrong to be doing this? We have agreed to continue and give her the best medical help possible to the last.
As God has brought us this far, He will see us through.


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Am i wrong to be doing this? We have agreed to continue and give her the best medical help possible to the last.
As God has brought us this far, He will see us through.
They no wrong in the way your thinking , praying , bless .

He will see us through
yes he well xx also with our support , keep posting


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
Thanks to all who posted and for your kind words and thoughts. Dad fights on although he now has no drip at all and is on morphine and something else to calm his anxiety for that i am pleased as he was v peaceful yesterday. Off to the hospital shortly and just praying that he is peaceful again. Have spent all week in various stages of hysteria and am feeling remarkably calm today and weirdly looking forward to seeing him. I will keep you all posted and my thoughts and love go out to you all as well. I hope one day I may be able to help and comfort others as all you wonderful people have helped me.


Registered User
Dec 6, 2007
hi debby,you could be me talking as i'm in exactly the same position as you too,so i know exactly how you feel.my brother has txt me tonite saying he's not handling it very well and i didn't know how to reply to him as neither am i,how can anyone handle watching your dad suffer like this it's so cruel.thinking of you at this time.


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
My thoughts go out to everyone who is suffering in this awful way. Poor Dad still fights on thats 9 days after the doctors said he had hours left to live. Whats awful is that I wish it was over (which I know is so selfish and I feel awful and dreadful about that), I just want I think to be able to grieve for him and to try and remember him as he was. I still think ...I cant believe this I just cant believe it.

Anyway I didnt see him at the weekend as I have 2 year old twins and live a fair distance so couldnt go. I may go to see him again this afternoon but then I think I saw him every day last week told him how much I loved him and stroked his head and held his hand. I know when I go back I will see a further deterioration and it is so scary as sometimes the only way to cope is to not think about it.

....and what awful time of year I love christmas but this year it is a real battle.


Debby xx


Registered User
Sep 29, 2007
Debbie, my thoughts are with you at this heart breaking time. Wishing it was all over is not at all selfish. It's the opposite. You want to see your lovely Dad at peace and that is in no way selfish. Sending you lots of love, berni xx


Registered User
Mar 1, 2007
Melbourne, Australia
hi debby, I understand the battle.
My mum is now on morphine,anti anxiety, no drip, cathetar, bed ridden unable to speak, although still trying a bit
You are not alone. I too wish mums suffering was over, this IS an unselfish wish, we no longer have to hold on cause we cant bear to let go.
there comes a time, for our loved ones that in their interests, we must let go. hard,painful, but for the best.
I too await the phone call. how long for, none of us know.
kind regards,


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
I am so overwhelmed by everyone's support and kindness, I keep thinking when this is over that I have to do something to help others and to help raise awareness and funding for this awful illness. Saw Dad today and he really does look now like his is dying, his eyes are sunken as are his cheek bones and he is deathly pale. My first thought when I saw him was that he was gone already (gone in spirit) all that was left was a laboring body. We are told that he is now in a coma and that it wont be long. I don't think anyone of us know how we feel only a sense of calm and I had a weird sense of thinking " I am really going to miss visting this hospital" which is really odd considering how much I have despised going. I suppose it is just the routine. Anyway ramble over.

Love and hugs to you all.



Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Debby,
You are not rambling on . you are just expressing to T.P. to people who understand hat you are going through. At this time my husband who is 62 and in the last stage. When I saw Peter on Friday, I spent 40 minuts with him and he looks like a skelton and in his 90's. I expect a phone call on a daily basis. I pray that he will pass peacefully in his sleep. In reality, I lost my husband on the day of diagnoises.
My thoughts and prayers are with you at the difficult time.
Best wishes. Christine


Registered User
Oct 20, 2007
Dear Debbie,
I will be thinking about you, in these days ahead. How you're feeling about, helping others is how myself and sister felt when we lost Mum. We couldn't let Mum of died in vain and let her of gone through this dreadful disease for nothing. I hope I have helped some people a little.
I'm sure you will be able to use your experience when you're ready, if that is what you want.. I'm sure it has helped me with my grief.
You know where I am if you need a shoulder,
Take Care, Nicky xxx


Registered User
Sep 22, 2006
Dear Debbie

I am so sorry you are going through this dreadful i know, my mum passed away at the age of 62 March 2006 only it does not seam that long ago. She was without food or water and like people have said on here no one knows how long ones final journey will end. We thought every day we went to visit would be our last that lasted for 3 weeks she went 6 days without fluid and more with out food. She was a fighter yet to look at her she looked about 80 years old. We were with her when she took her final breath,awful to watch a loved one that way but glad she is no longer suffering the only ones that suffer are the ones left behind. I will be thinking of you take care

kathy x


Registered User
Oct 15, 2007
Dear all

When after a couple of weeks of not posting I just wanted to let you all know that Dad passed away on the 17th December just before 8pm, we had all been with him that day so didnt feel that we hadnt been there for him at the end. The funeral is on Friday and that will be our way of showing the man he really was not the one that took him over. Grief is a strange thing and I find I can only grieve on my own and not with my Mum and brother...weird but I just cant. Dad looked comfortable but like he was 20 years older than he was. If it had not of been for the wonderful palliative team at the hospital (who we found by accident) then goodness how long his suffering would have gone on for. The one thing I found with this illness is that there is so much support for people with cancer who are terminal and nothing for people with dementia which ultimately is a terminal illness. If anything good comes out of this then it is my determination to help others in some way. Not sure what yet but I want to do something to help.

Thank you all for your wonderful loving support this has (and still will be) my life line.

xxx Debbie

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