Husband is mid term dementia and increasingly aggressive towards me, sometimes quite violent. I realise this is not the real husband but I seem to spend my time pussyfooting around in case I trigger the other one emerging, because I am very frightened of him.the real husband can buy me flowers at lunchtime and give them with I kiss! then the other one can beat me up at tea time?He's taking trazadone and exelon patches. Has any one any suggestions as to what might keep the bad guy away? Any help would be greatly appreciated GP and memory clinic don't seem to be very helpful.
Coping with the aggression, violence and personality changes
- Thread starter Boss2011
- Start date
Boss2011,
I am sorry you are having to deal with aggression from your poor husband. It must be scary. I don't know about medication, but have read many times on here about creating a 'safe' locked room to retreat to with a phone if you are in danger of physical violence.
I have noticed my mother gets more restless/agitated before meals, presumably when she is hungry...could there be any connection there? Perhaps developing a routine of a relaxing distraction such as music or TV at times when he shows signs of becoming aggressive? I am just thinking really...hopefully someone who really knows will have some advice for you soon.
xx
I am sorry you are having to deal with aggression from your poor husband. It must be scary. I don't know about medication, but have read many times on here about creating a 'safe' locked room to retreat to with a phone if you are in danger of physical violence.
I have noticed my mother gets more restless/agitated before meals, presumably when she is hungry...could there be any connection there? Perhaps developing a routine of a relaxing distraction such as music or TV at times when he shows signs of becoming aggressive? I am just thinking really...hopefully someone who really knows will have some advice for you soon.
xx
Hello Boss2011
I am so sorry that you are facing aggression from your husband. My wife is in mid to late stages and can explode with aggressive behaviour towards me for no apparent reason. Her strength during these episodes is unbelievable so I really hope you are able to stay clear of your husband when he becomes aggressive towards you.
I become frightened of what she may do, not only to me, but to herself. The only action I have found in the interest of both of us is to leave the room, having first made sure there are no items with which she can harm herself. This allows her to regain her normal self and me to take a few moments to relax out of harms way, but it can sometimes take 30min or even an hour or more before I feel I am getting a 'normal' reaction from her when I go to check she is OK. It is like walking on eggshells as you can never be sure when or what might trigger the resistance, awkwardness, and aggression or when she has fully regained her usual self.
I think I can now read the situation better than I did, although there are no guarantees, so if I suspect my wifes actions or reactions to me are leading to negativity or resistance, I continue to talk quietly and calmly, leave what I was doing, and then put some soft, gentle music on and leave her with that. Not sure it is that or me leaving her to herself which eventually settles her.
I do believe these periods of aggression come in cycles as I have experienced it in years past and then had none of it for very many months after, and then it crops up again. In fact, I have just had a very bad week or two and yet for the last 3days my wife has been her normal affectionate and quiet, calm self. She has recently started on highly nutricional drinks recommended by a dietician and after reading the information on them, wonder if they are causing her to become dehydrated. In general I believe it is important to keep dementia patients well hydrated; I think I have read or been told about that somewhere.
Not sure I have answered your question but really hope you find something soon which helps both of you.
I am so sorry that you are facing aggression from your husband. My wife is in mid to late stages and can explode with aggressive behaviour towards me for no apparent reason. Her strength during these episodes is unbelievable so I really hope you are able to stay clear of your husband when he becomes aggressive towards you.
I become frightened of what she may do, not only to me, but to herself. The only action I have found in the interest of both of us is to leave the room, having first made sure there are no items with which she can harm herself. This allows her to regain her normal self and me to take a few moments to relax out of harms way, but it can sometimes take 30min or even an hour or more before I feel I am getting a 'normal' reaction from her when I go to check she is OK. It is like walking on eggshells as you can never be sure when or what might trigger the resistance, awkwardness, and aggression or when she has fully regained her usual self.
I think I can now read the situation better than I did, although there are no guarantees, so if I suspect my wifes actions or reactions to me are leading to negativity or resistance, I continue to talk quietly and calmly, leave what I was doing, and then put some soft, gentle music on and leave her with that. Not sure it is that or me leaving her to herself which eventually settles her.
I do believe these periods of aggression come in cycles as I have experienced it in years past and then had none of it for very many months after, and then it crops up again. In fact, I have just had a very bad week or two and yet for the last 3days my wife has been her normal affectionate and quiet, calm self. She has recently started on highly nutricional drinks recommended by a dietician and after reading the information on them, wonder if they are causing her to become dehydrated. In general I believe it is important to keep dementia patients well hydrated; I think I have read or been told about that somewhere.
Not sure I have answered your question but really hope you find something soon which helps both of you.
Hello Boss , Welcome from me
I am sorry you are going through this.
Mum used to be aggressive at times , but she D
Was a frail old lady
Dad and I were more concerned she would hurt herself .
With a mans aggression though it can be very different due to size and greater strength.
As has already been said, try to create a safe room that you can lock/bolt from the inside
a mobile phone and it's charger or landline phone is vital in case you need to call for help, the police are very good when they know the person is ill, so never be afraid to call them.
This can lead to proper help .
I don't think it's right or a good idea to put up with Violence or severe aggression because a person is ill. I know they can't help it, but they can still do harm.
you do need help asap , so if you haven't already done so, inform your husbands DRs ,CPN(community psych nurse) even social services
I am sorry you are going through this.
Mum used to be aggressive at times , but she D
Was a frail old lady
Dad and I were more concerned she would hurt herself .
With a mans aggression though it can be very different due to size and greater strength.
As has already been said, try to create a safe room that you can lock/bolt from the inside
a mobile phone and it's charger or landline phone is vital in case you need to call for help, the police are very good when they know the person is ill, so never be afraid to call them.
This can lead to proper help .
I don't think it's right or a good idea to put up with Violence or severe aggression because a person is ill. I know they can't help it, but they can still do harm.
you do need help asap , so if you haven't already done so, inform your husbands DRs ,CPN(community psych nurse) even social services
My mother was physically violent in phases for a long time - years, in fact. We had to resort to anti-psychotics in order to try to maintain some sort of equilibrium. It certainly helped in her cause but they need to be monitored, plus I found that they needed to be tweaked every 6 or 8 months. She's been on 3 different anti-psychotics in the last 12 years. We are finally at a point where we've been able to start gradually decreasing her doses.
I'm not at all against anti-psychotics but they do need to be monitored.
I'm not at all against anti-psychotics but they do need to be monitored.
Yes - I know what you mean- the GP & memory clinic are not very helpful because they have almost certainly not been on the "receiving end".
I know some of these seem obvious but here goes (I do all of these)
- keep a physical distance - it helps me to stay away and be able to "escape" at a moments notice
- say "There's the phone!!" - it can be a wrong number but is always a perfect exit and escape
- cooking - there's usually something needing attention
- the garden - the best place - Ishout at trees
I know that this sounds bonkers but my mum seems to be aggresive according to the time (sundowning) or by a trigger (Jeremy Kyle on TV or other) - so sometimes 10 minutes of helping to cook / clean / water plants can divert these isssues. Worth a try ?
I know some of these seem obvious but here goes (I do all of these)
- keep a physical distance - it helps me to stay away and be able to "escape" at a moments notice
- say "There's the phone!!" - it can be a wrong number but is always a perfect exit and escape
- cooking - there's usually something needing attention
- the garden - the best place - Ishout at trees
I know that this sounds bonkers but my mum seems to be aggresive according to the time (sundowning) or by a trigger (Jeremy Kyle on TV or other) - so sometimes 10 minutes of helping to cook / clean / water plants can divert these isssues. Worth a try ?
Do let the police know because they'll make you a priority call. I personally would use child locks on cupboards where there are sharp instruments or things that can be made sharp, even like plates, glasses, clearly cutlery etc.
I duck and run, just leggit but mum is slow, so I can get out of there, I keep my front door locked so if she does go off on one she can't get into my home. She can only make it to my home when in a temper, and the knock alone, can be terrifying.
I would also use a safe room, the police will help you with that if you ask and make your phone no a priority call while dealing sympathetically as they realise the person is ill.
Finally if after doing everything mentioned above, then put your own safety first and if he needs to be in a home or sectioned for your safety then sadly it is something you may need to consider until this horrible phase passes.
I do feel for you.
I duck and run, just leggit but mum is slow, so I can get out of there, I keep my front door locked so if she does go off on one she can't get into my home. She can only make it to my home when in a temper, and the knock alone, can be terrifying.
I would also use a safe room, the police will help you with that if you ask and make your phone no a priority call while dealing sympathetically as they realise the person is ill.
Finally if after doing everything mentioned above, then put your own safety first and if he needs to be in a home or sectioned for your safety then sadly it is something you may need to consider until this horrible phase passes.
I do feel for you.
.. and make sure any potential weapons aren't left in sight (nothing on the draining board, for example). Think laterally - what could be a weapon? My Mum was quite ready to use the cord of Dad's dressing gown to strangle him, for example.
Push and push if you need to for a review of the medication ... sometimes it needs a lot of tweaking before it's ideal.
Push and push if you need to for a review of the medication ... sometimes it needs a lot of tweaking before it's ideal.
I do not think you should be living like this.
Your husband is simply not the person you married. You ought not to be living in a state of fear. There are alternatives.
Trazodone did nothing to help my husband,s violence. I believe the drug made it worse.
He improved a great deal when it was finally stopped.
Hi Boss 11, Sympathise with you greatly, when I experienced a similar episode, (the crisis team took over, but the CPN just told me to leave the house and quickly, altho I would hasten to add they didn't get to my husband for about two hours, and when they did he had disappeared, when eventually they found him,they then asked me to go back home until they could arrange some care for him, needless to say that was not forthcoming and the crisis passed !!! Take care ......
I do understand what you are going through but also think, without seeming heartless, that perhaps things are being looked at from your viewpoint. Yes you are stuck in the middle - or rather at the end of hubby's aggression and no one seems to know what to do but what about husband? He doesn't know what's happening and also doesn't know what he's doing.
GPs aren't up to speed on mental health, and I do wonder whether CPNs and Memory Clinic consultants are too. (Sorry to appear cynical but I've been there).
I think that perhaps your husband needs a thorough medication assessment which can only really be undertaken on a mental health ward. If you have a social worker could you contact her and tell her (really lay it on) off your situation and your fear for both yourself and your husband. Get the Crisis team involved but get him into hospital where he can thoroughly assessed which can take up to 2 months. Be prepared though that you may have to agree to him being sectioned if you feel he won't go of his own volition.
It seems over the top and scary but so is what you're going through.
My very best wishes and lots of hugs and support
Benjie
GPs aren't up to speed on mental health, and I do wonder whether CPNs and Memory Clinic consultants are too. (Sorry to appear cynical but I've been there).
I think that perhaps your husband needs a thorough medication assessment which can only really be undertaken on a mental health ward. If you have a social worker could you contact her and tell her (really lay it on) off your situation and your fear for both yourself and your husband. Get the Crisis team involved but get him into hospital where he can thoroughly assessed which can take up to 2 months. Be prepared though that you may have to agree to him being sectioned if you feel he won't go of his own volition.
It seems over the top and scary but so is what you're going through.
My very best wishes and lots of hugs and support
Benjie
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