Concerns about Mum in Law

[kathynewman]

This is my first post here so please bear with me if it is a little long. I am concerned about my 86yr old Mother In Law. Over recent years here memory has been getting worse - 12 months ago we got a referral to memory assessment clinic - after the first 10 mins I had to interject with the consultant as it was clear that m-in-l thought she was there for a cancer check up (she had lung cancer - thankfully fully cleared now) and didn't realise it was not for that. Anyway - upshot is she did very well on the tests and got around 90% and we were told to keep eye on things and be seen again in 12 months - that appt is now in a few weeks.

Over the last year memory issues have got worse and more so in the last few weeks. One big example is this weekend we are taking her to visit her other son in his new house. This has been arranged for a while and I have spoken with her every other day this week and we've talked about the visit. I spoke with her yesterday morning to confirm the details and then 2 hours later got a message from her saying did we have plans at some point to go and visit her other son - as she didn't know when it was. Also had a call from friend of hers very concerned for her memory. M-in-L sees this friend most Sundays and she had called her Friday am to check if they had made arrangements for the weekend, then again on Saturday morning - even though it turns out it was in her diary.

Day to day M-in-L copes reasonably well living alone (she has done so for the last 16 years since her husband died) and due to distance we only get to see her once a week, but we are getting more concerned and not sure what to do for the best. She still drives but only to 3 places which are places she has been for many many years - but do worry that if there was a diversion in place or some other issue then she would not cope with this.

We think that she may have vascular dementia as this has been mentioned in the past - but no firm diagnosis.

M-in-L knows her memory is bad but doesn't realise how bad it is. Just wondered if anyone had any advice or suggestions especially with us seeing the consultant in couple weeks. I'm pretty sure she will do well on the test again and of course I will give examples of where memory is a big issue.

Thank you.

Kathy

 

[pamann]

Hello Kathynewman welcome to talking point, you will get lots of support here, we are all looking after some with memory lost, my mother in law had vascular dementia, she couldn't remember anything towards then end of her life but it was very slow she managed to live quite happily for 10 after diagnosis, the memory clinic will keep an eye on her, let us know how she gets on in the future, ♥♥♥

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[starryuk]

M-in-L knows her memory is bad but doesn't realise how bad it is. Just wondered if anyone had any advice or suggestions especially with us seeing the consultant in couple weeks. I'm pretty sure she will do well on the test again and of course I will give examples of where memory is a big issue.

Hi Kathy and welcome to TP.
Your consultant may prescribe Aricept (or its equivalent) if he thinks it would help. But with vas D, I think the main thing is to do what they can to minimize the risk of Tia s.
Getting a diagnosis is helpful for the future if/when you need help from Social Services.

Driving is a difficult issue. Others know more about this, but I think DVLA has to be informed of a diagnosis and your mil assessed as to whether she could continue to drive or not. But I don't know for sure. My mum was stopped from driving (in Oz) when she turned right at a junction in front of an oncoming car. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt. She was devastated/furious for months.

You must, must, must get Power of Attorney organised while your mil still has mental
capacity. Once registered, you can just keep the document until such time as your Mil is unable to deal with her own finances and you need to take over. But the forms need to be filled out asap as your mil needs to have capacity to agree that she wants you to look after her affairs for her if necessary in the future. (Actually we all need to do one in case we get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow.)

I am guessing from what you say that your mil is still able to keep herself fed and safe at home. That is the main thing. We found that over the course of about 6 years, mum began to forget her meds, stopped cooking/eating properly, stopped changing her clothes and then began wandering. But she coped at home for years.

I am sorry that your mil and you all find yourself at the beginning of this journey, but there is such a lot of support and advice here, so do keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on.

best wishes to you all.

 

[kathynewman]

Thank you for your replies. We have a POA for finances in place for her 2 son's - this was done many years ago when her husband was ill and it was done for both of them. We don't have the health one and do wonder if we are a little too late for that given her memory issues but will look into it.

M-in-L also has COPD for which she has inhalers but I think we need to get a review with her GP for that as she doesn't use them properly and keeps saying one of the daily ones she has she doesn't need!

Am putting together a long list of questions / concerns for the consultants appt. The hardest thing is speaking about her when she is in the room but I think she understands that we are only doing it because we are concerned.

Thanks again

Kathy

 

[Chemmy]

The hardest thing is speaking about her when she is in the room but I think she understands that we are only doing it because we are concerned.

Ain't that the truth

Welcome to TP, Kathy.

I found that situation really awkward too. With the benefit of hindsight (and advice from this forum) it may be worth sending the consultant a letter outlining your concerns in advance and explaining your unease.

It looks as though you have time to do so before the appointment - s/he may or may not take heed of what you say, but I guess you lose nothing by trying that approach. At the very least, it reinforces to the professionals how awkward such situations are for families.

 

[cragmaid]

Hi, I always wrote an update for Mum's consultant and handed it in when we checked in for the appointment, I found it much easier than having to correct Mum out loud, I also made a point of sitting slightly behind her during her appointment so that I could nod or shake my head accordingly.
I suggest that you make an appointment at the GP for a full medication review, my Mum used to use three inhalers religeously and now does not use any.
I would still get her LPA for health and welfare done if Mum can sign the forms. She only has to comprehend what she is signing at the time of signature and if you use a couple of family friends as witnesses they will be able to see that she knows what she has signed and has not been coerced. I pointed out to my Mum that..." if the bus knocked you over, I know that you'd want someone to make your wishes known and advise the doctors accordingly". It makes it easier to talk to her GP if there is an LPA in place.
Good luck.

 

[henfenywfach]

Thank you for your replies. We have a POA for finances in place for her 2 son's - this was done many years ago when her husband was ill and it was done for both of them. We don't have the health one and do wonder if we are a little too late for that given her memory issues but will look into it.

M-in-L also has COPD for which she has inhalers but I think we need to get a review with her GP for that as she doesn't use them properly and keeps saying one of the daily ones she has she doesn't need!

Am putting together a long list of questions / concerns for the consultants appt. The hardest thing is speaking about her when she is in the room but I think she understands that we are only doing it because we are concerned.

Thanks again

Kathy

Hi!..its not too late to do the other poa your mum only has to have capacity at a particular time..ie when she signs the form even if she has a prob next day..the health one vital as memories are paramount to medication and treatment required..for the future!
My dad drove whilst waiting for a confirmed diagnosis...omg!..on one ocassionmy daughter had to take the wheel with him..shes learning to drive...I would advise you ask for a lift and ask her a question or point something out...and be ready to act...and if her concentration goes and you see lack of awareness then ..its time to stop!..my dad had one test ..passed it but next day our Incident happened...our locum consultant said if your co concentration goes ..you will always be a good driver but are unaware your attention is gone..others will....the cons. Suggested stopping but dad wouldnt..and you have to tell her insurance and dvla there is memory clinic involvment....the dvla will then write to the gp and clinic..the dangerous bit is that they will all wait til the proper diagnosis is given...the dvla not drs will make a decision as to whether its in the publics and your mums interest to withdraw her licence...
It will be heartbraking when it happens for her..but life is precious and imagine waiting for the call everyday..theres been an rtc!...

My dad whilst with the memory clinic..had fab awnsers..anx they sounded fab...but when dr looked at us our response was different...
If you look at the mmse tests it states clearly that part of the tests are listening to the response of the family....you might find out that your mum has been either hidjng or compensating in a way for the things that are happening...my mum still cant get round the fact my dad is hiding stuff...and when hes telling the gospel truth ..and swearing its the truth...when it isnt..the consult..explained that where theres damage in the brain ..it needs to complete a circut to provide a response so the brain fills the gap..and thats why you dont always get a plausable response.....I would contact the alzheimers society if you havent as theres lots you can do and your mum..and everyone is in the same boat..the activities are up lifting...beneficial and non judgemental..which is important...there are befrienders..sitters..or just people that can be company for your mum...there are also sessions about memory loss..and dementia for carers/family...they are amazing for info ...it takes a while to come to terms for you all but there are ways to adapt..devise things..use different ideas to keep your mum independant as able with a support network..there will be ups and downs...and you only have to read..on talking point what people are going..through..but laugh with her...when she cries..tell her you understand...when shes angry..understand shes communicating..and take deep beeathes when your patience reach their limit...best wishes

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