Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
I think I have been approaching things in the wrong way. I get insistent about his changing underwear and end up getting confrontational. For the first time the other day I had a panic attack over it.
Welcome to the forum @Triciamissy. I'm glad you found us and found the guidance in this thread to be helpful. CBT taught me a a few breathing techniques like 3 seconds breathe in hold for a second and breathe out for 3 more. If I remember to repeat if for 3 or 4 minutes it usually helps to calm me after an anxiety attack.
Keep posting and reading, you will find more support here from others who know how you feel.
 

Mrs Humphrey

Registered User
May 14, 2021
71
0
Thank you...all that helped. I will try harder to find the level of compassion and caring. Then I won't feel such a failure.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
you're not a failure @Mrs Humphrey
you are doing your best in what is a life changing and challenging situation
none of us carers are failures, we're human, we make mistakes, we pick ourselves up and carry on ... we're survivors, and that takes a lot of energy, so often we're exhausted too
don't be hard on yourself
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,843
0
leicester
@Mrs Humphrey please don’t think of yourself as a failure there is no rule book to show you how to be a carer, there couldn’t be as every caring situation is different.
I’m pleased the forum is being helpful to you, take care.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,052
0
Kent
Hello @Mrs Humphrey

This thread was posted as a guide rather than a rule to give a little insight into an advisable approach.
If we were all able to follow it to the letter we’d be either angels or robots

I would hate anyone to feel a failure after reading it. I’m sure we all do our best in some of the most challenging times with the resources we have and most carers deserve medals for their love and devotion which is so often unappreciated .
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
3,876
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Thank you...all that helped. I will try harder to find the level of compassion and caring. Then I won't feel such a failure.
Oh Mrs Humphrey if I had a pound for every time I have felt a failure as I share the journey that my partner, Pauline, is on with the constant trials and tribulations that this cruel cruel disease is taking her. Early on I read everything to gain knowledge and insight and then read this thread on Compassionate Caring and knew immediately that it was an endeavour of perfection and a guide to doing things in the best way I can when I can. Fail! I done it so often but I did it with care and an understanding that I never thought to achieve and now know that every failure was actually an achievement over adversity and the benefactor was Pauline in that I am still here for her so please look for the positives and not the blame, stay strong
 

Dippidoo

New member
Jan 30, 2018
7
0
Solihull
Thanks for that. Am printing it, will try and act it. I know I fall far short of it, over and over: losing patience with Mother, asking her to remember things, complaining when she asks the same question I answered 2 minutes ago, etc. Pam
You are not alone! We are all human, it’s hard to deal with sometimes, the compassionate communication feed is an eye opener, very good advise, I don’t know how it will work in real time, when we are having a bad episode. Worth a try though.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
You are not alone! We are all human, it’s hard to deal with sometimes, the compassionate communication feed is an eye opener, very good advise, I don’t know how it will work in real time, when we are having a bad episode. Worth a try though.
Welcome to DTP @Dippidoo. It's definitely worth remembering these are good ideas to guide us in dealing with people we care about who can no longer understand logic or reason. Like you say, we are all human and tiredness or stress means we fall short. I've lost count of how many times over the past 8 years I have had to pick myself up, calm my partner down and go again.
 

Toopie28

Registered User
Jun 7, 2022
302
0
Thank you for this list. I try, try, try to do most of the DO's. And the DON'T's apart from taking it personally. I just churn on the inside tho - never on the outside. It breaks my heart.

I do have to do it in 2 languages tho since Mum's first language is not English. So I don't know which language she's going to remember, so I do both.
 

Wild Flower

Registered User
Aug 18, 2015
9
0
Thank you for posting that, its very helpful. i certainly ask my Mum to many questions, Did you? What do you want to eat? I will try to change my way of communicating and not take it personally.
 

petal1976

Registered User
Jun 22, 2019
38
0
Dear Grannue G
All of that is wonderful and so sensible and clear to learn thank you so much. I will try and figure out how to print it off now. Rose.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,052
0
Kent
I’m glad you found it helpful @petal1976
Dear Grannue G
All of that is wonderful and so sensible and clear to learn thank you so much. I will try and figure out how to print it off now. Rose.

I must impress it is not my work. It is something I read years ago here on Dementia Talking Point and was as taken with it as you are.

It`s not always easy to follow it to the letter especially when you are tired and upset but it is a very good guide
 

cobden 28

Registered User
Dec 15, 2017
196
0
I try to be understanding when communicationg with my Mum (92) who has Alhzeimers, but it's so difficult when she's as deaf as a post and has to be constantly reminded to put her hearing aids in before anyone can talk to her. By the time she's found the darn things and fiddled around putting them in, it often takes so long I've forgotten what I was going to say to her. But she's my mum and I love her dearly, so I just have to try, don't I ?
 

tonebear

Registered User
Jun 7, 2023
278
0
dorset
Good to see it in print . It's so helpful to have it exsplsained .I do most of these but sometime get it wrong and then spend a hour trying to calm things down.
 

tonebear

Registered User
Jun 7, 2023
278
0
dorset
I try to be understanding when communicationg with my Mum (92) who has Alhzeimers, but it's so difficult when she's as deaf as a post and has to be constantly reminded to put her hearing aids in before anyone can talk to her. By the time she's found the darn things and fiddled around putting them in, it often takes so long I've forgotten what I was going to say to her. But she's my mum and I love her dearly, so I just have to try, don't I ?
Hey leave us hearing impaired alone. It's lovely and quiet in here with just the tininitus to listern too. Tee Hee.
 

ChrisDorset

New member
Aug 21, 2023
4
0
This is really very helpful, spotted a couple of things I can try. Assured me I am starting on the right track.