Meanwhile does anyone here think that dad's care home would except five extra guests on xmas day
I know it's early but I'm worrying about how I deal with the logistics of seeing my family and Mum in the care home
Obviously I want Mum to be with us in our home but I don't think taking her out of the home will be a good idea.
What do you do? And if it's your first Christmas like me, what are you planning?
The home my husband was in asked if I would like to come for Christmas lunch and there was no charge, it was lovely to eat with my husband and after that I often had breakfast or lunch with him, unfortunately not by choice, it was taken out of my hands as he was moved the invisibles complained about the half drive, seems it was too far for them, the home he is in now has protected meal times and although the social worker said she would speak to them about what I had done in the previous home it hasn’t happened, in fact the other day I was trying to persuade him to have some breakfast and he said yes WE WILL have breakfast and the Carer said you’re wife has already had breakfast. I thought this was unnecessary after all what does one slice of toast and a cuppa cost and he would have happily eaten his breakfast. In the event we ended up going out for breakfast as fortunately he is still physically fit, but I am still angry about.My friend had Christmas lunch at her mother's care home last year - she had to tell them in advance and pay for her meal. I'm sure each CH has different rules, ask and see what they say.
Dad became a reluctant eater in his NH but retained his politeness in the way of offering me his food. To try to get him to eat I would sometimes have a little to eat myself or take something in leading from example and prompt. It's very short sighted of your OH care home not to encourage your involvement and the protected meal time strategy is misplaced and ridiculous in my view in a care home for residents with dementia. Hospitals with patients with mental capacity fine...but not pwd who need every encouragement and input from their loved ones should be welcomed not dismissed. What a shame the invisibles were able to bring about a move.The home my husband was in asked if I would like to come for Christmas lunch and there was no charge, it was lovely to eat with my husband and after that I often had breakfast or lunch with him, unfortunately not by choice, it was taken out of my hands as he was moved the invisibles complained about the half drive, seems it was too far for them, the home he is in now has protected meal times and although the social worker said she would speak to them about what I had done in the previous home it hasn’t happened, in fact the other day I was trying to persuade him to have some breakfast and he said yes WE WILL have breakfast and the Carer said you’re wife has already had breakfast. I thought this was unnecessary after all what does one slice of toast and a cuppa cost and he would have happily eaten his breakfast. In the event we ended up going out for breakfast as fortunately he is still physically fit, but I am still angry about.
Unfortunately I’m not the most popular visitor at the moment because in the first three weeks I raised three serious safeguarding issues reported to SS and was told that the staff find me difficult and are wary of me, if they’d being doing their jobs correctly they wouldn’t have to be wary of me, so don’t think I’ll be getting an invite for Christmas or any meal!!!It seems a counter productive policy. It would encourage him to eat and be contented. Have you tried to ask directly. You could offer to pay, you probably wouldn't have to as it would throw out the accounting system!
It was a shame he had to move.
Of course protected meals can be very important, a friend got around that by volunteering to do it regularly. This meant she slipped into the homes routine.
Good luck.
It's also my son's 18th on Christmas Day and I'm torn with making sure she is alright but making his day special too.
I know it's early but I'm worrying about how I deal with the logistics of seeing my family and Mum in the care home
Obviously I want Mum to be with us in our home but I don't think taking her out of the home will be a good idea.
What do you do? And if it's your first Christmas like me, what are you planning?
Thank you lemonbalm after lots of thought and soul searching we now have a plan. My sister will visit Mum Christmas Day and I will visit Boxing Day, as you say the thought of bringing her home fills me me terrible anxiety although I will miss her so much as in my 63 years I've never not had Christmas with Mum and Dad (rip). The whole thing about the disease and Mum being in a care home has made me more of an anxious, nervous person than I already was xLast year was my mum’s first in a care home and I planned to bring her to our house for a few hours but I must admit was frantically nervous about it. In the end, my husband was ill anyway, so I visited mum in the morning with presents instead. When I explained that we couldn’t have Christmas Day at our house after all, the thing which really upset her about it was that she wouldn’t be seeing her mother (who died over 50 years ago). It would have been so confusing and distressing for her (and us) if she had come. This year I plan to visit mum at the care home, armed with some of those kind lies that we need to tell so often. So much depends on the person, how they are on the day, the care home, the rest of the family, you can only do what you think is right and hope for the best.
PFor my FiL's first Christmas in his care home, we brought him home to us for two nights - it was a 2 hour drive away. The CH had advised against it, but we'd blithely thought he'd enjoy it, since he always had before.
It was a bad mistake. He was anxious and fretful for a lot of the time - having lived with us before, he'd started to think it was his own house and he ought to be doing this job or that. For the first time, he also started asking where MiL (dead 10 years) was.
We never repeated it. As the CH had advised, we left him where he was, in his safe, familiar routine.
When it came to my mother, several years later, the home was just a short drive away, but after the experience with FiL, we never tried bringing her here. To be honest, she never had a clue that it was Christmas anyway, despite the CH's lovely decorations. Even for a year or two before she went into the CH, she had very little idea, and could not cope with more than one or two extra people, or extra noise and fuss.
We would just visit in the morning, taking her presents - which by then she could usually barely be bothered to open, though having said that, soft chocolates and jellies still went down very well!
This was wanting to go to the Home.Hello @bettik and @Princess RF
This desire to "go home" is almost universal in dementia, but please be aware that they may not be talking about the place that they moved from - many people with dementia say they want to go home when they are actually sitting in their own homes! Dont feel guilty that you cannot take them home. If you talk to them about their "home" you may find that it is a childhood home, or even a fantasy place and has people who are long dead living there. My mum wanted to "go home" to her childhood home that was bombed in the war where her parents and siblings (all long dead) were waiting for her. It seems to represent a state of mind rather than an actual place, represents the desire to go to a place and/or time that they understand and to escape the confusions of dementia.