I know this might sound a little harsh but not everyone enjoys Christmas. Some people try to avoid it so for those probably not a good idea to make a huge effort! As others have said CHs (at least the good ones) do normally make a big fuss on the day itself so going in or taking out on other days is probably a good idea...those inbetween days from the 25th to NYE...
Christmas
- Thread starter yak55
- Start date
This will be MiLs third Christmas in her CH. She isn't really aware that it is Christmas, and only has fleeting interest in the decs up at the home (who do make a lot of effort over Christmas). We realised quite quickly after she had gone into care that actually that is where she is most comfortable. We take her out regularly for coffee and cake and she enjoys the change of scenery and the chance to ogle babies and dogs, but does relax when she gets back to the home.
Her other son lives close so we go and spend Christmas with them. On Xmas eve we collect her from the CH and bring her to BiL for an afternoon tea. Depending on how she's doing, she'll stay for a couple of hours and then go back home. On Xmas day, we open our presents then her two sons and two grandchildren visit her in the CH to open her presents (she has no idea what it is all about and just opens the presents and puts them to one side, but we all feel better that she is getting the presents). Then she has her dinner at the home, and we have our dinner together.
We think that seems to be the best options for all of us.
I think what lots of others have said - that the important thing is to consider how the PWD will react to our plans - is the most important thing for us. But no-one should beat themselves up about what decisions they make.
Her other son lives close so we go and spend Christmas with them. On Xmas eve we collect her from the CH and bring her to BiL for an afternoon tea. Depending on how she's doing, she'll stay for a couple of hours and then go back home. On Xmas day, we open our presents then her two sons and two grandchildren visit her in the CH to open her presents (she has no idea what it is all about and just opens the presents and puts them to one side, but we all feel better that she is getting the presents). Then she has her dinner at the home, and we have our dinner together.
We think that seems to be the best options for all of us.
I think what lots of others have said - that the important thing is to consider how the PWD will react to our plans - is the most important thing for us. But no-one should beat themselves up about what decisions they make.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, wish you luck and love for the future x
This will be my Mums 3rd Christmas in her care home.
First Christmas we took her out to my sisters for Christmas Lunch.
All was OK for first hour, but as a few more family members arrived and noise levels went up Mums confusion set in, not helped by Dad saying “ Your going back to the Home soon”
Mum lost her balance and fell, not badly, but she was so upset we took her back, telling her we were taking her to see the Nurse.
2nd Christmas Mums Alzheimers had progressed. No idea that it was Christmas but woukd comment on the decorations & tree at the Care Home.
My sister was away for Christmas, so it was just my brother and his youngest 2 kids and myself that visited. Mum enjoyed seeing the 2 grandchildren and I ended up staying having Christmas Lunch.
Couldnt even take Dad least of all he upset Mum. He has no understanding or acceptance of Mums Alzheimers.
Now Dad has been diagnosed with mixed dementia.
No idea whats happening this Christmas.
First Christmas we took her out to my sisters for Christmas Lunch.
All was OK for first hour, but as a few more family members arrived and noise levels went up Mums confusion set in, not helped by Dad saying “ Your going back to the Home soon”
Mum lost her balance and fell, not badly, but she was so upset we took her back, telling her we were taking her to see the Nurse.
2nd Christmas Mums Alzheimers had progressed. No idea that it was Christmas but woukd comment on the decorations & tree at the Care Home.
My sister was away for Christmas, so it was just my brother and his youngest 2 kids and myself that visited. Mum enjoyed seeing the 2 grandchildren and I ended up staying having Christmas Lunch.
Couldnt even take Dad least of all he upset Mum. He has no understanding or acceptance of Mums Alzheimers.
Now Dad has been diagnosed with mixed dementia.
No idea whats happening this Christmas.
By far the worst 'dementia-Christmas' event for me, was a couple of years before my mother was bad enough to need a care home.
Sister and niece, visiting from the US, were staying with her for a couple of days before Christmas Eve, when I was driving the 60 miles to pick them all up to come here.
On Chr. Eve afternoon, sister phoned to say my mother was sorry, but she really couldn't cope with all the fuss any more, would rather stay quietly at home.
A shame, but OK if that was what she wanted. So I took down her presents and plenty of nice food, brought sister and niece back here.
Roll on a couple of hours, everybody else was out (Harry Potter film!) and my mother was on the phone, absolutely furious.
What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter, she was cutting me out of her will, etc.
I don't know when I've ever been so upset. Of course it was useless to explain that of course she'd been invited - she hadn't wanted to come. She simply couldn't remember. I offered to go down at once and pick her up if she'd changed her mind - no, she didn't want that either - still furiously angry with me.
I was in tears for ages.
Typically for dementia, by the time I phoned on Christmas Day, thank goodness she'd forgotten all about it.
Sister and niece, visiting from the US, were staying with her for a couple of days before Christmas Eve, when I was driving the 60 miles to pick them all up to come here.
On Chr. Eve afternoon, sister phoned to say my mother was sorry, but she really couldn't cope with all the fuss any more, would rather stay quietly at home.
A shame, but OK if that was what she wanted. So I took down her presents and plenty of nice food, brought sister and niece back here.
Roll on a couple of hours, everybody else was out (Harry Potter film!) and my mother was on the phone, absolutely furious.
What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter, she was cutting me out of her will, etc.
I don't know when I've ever been so upset. Of course it was useless to explain that of course she'd been invited - she hadn't wanted to come. She simply couldn't remember. I offered to go down at once and pick her up if she'd changed her mind - no, she didn't want that either - still furiously angry with me.
I was in tears for ages.
Typically for dementia, by the time I phoned on Christmas Day, thank goodness she'd forgotten all about it.
Last year, when my Mum was able to mobilise, we brought her home for christmas dinner. It went OK, though I think at times she was getting anxious .
This year, that isn't possible and I feel the upheaval would be too unsettling for her and my Dad. Most care homes have a christmas lunch, and relatives can also attend - I suspect there's a cost. I am thinking that I might do that this year.
I agree that Mummy won't understand the significance of the day and I think bringing her home just brings into focus how much she has declined. It is a very individual decision but I think it helps to do other things - visits etc around that time that takes the stress or emphasis away from one day.
This year, that isn't possible and I feel the upheaval would be too unsettling for her and my Dad. Most care homes have a christmas lunch, and relatives can also attend - I suspect there's a cost. I am thinking that I might do that this year.
I agree that Mummy won't understand the significance of the day and I think bringing her home just brings into focus how much she has declined. It is a very individual decision but I think it helps to do other things - visits etc around that time that takes the stress or emphasis away from one day.
Christmas for the last five years has been exactly the same. We take Christmas to dad. All very simple stuff, I used to try harder but now it is all frozen foods with a quorn roast, no more making festive pies for me, keep it simple. We are veggies but dad is not but he can't eat lumps of meat anyway because of his oesophageal stent. Ah, he can eat a tinned meat pudding so that is what he will get.
I have to take all cooking utensils and pots and pans because dad has disposed of his and then I will have fun trying to work his nice halogen hob, I will get there in the end. We will have Christmas pud and cream and some wine with dinner then we shall watch whatever DVD that I am going to buy for dad for Christmas followed by whatever western we can find on 'Movies for men' or similar. My son will have dinner with us then make a speedy escape to meet some friends (he's only 24 so I don't blame him, in fact I would like to go with him)
I will buy dad a bottle of whisky and probably consume a good amount of it so that I can sleep well because we will stay the night. I will do my utmost to enjoy this Christmas day because it will almost certainly be dads last because of his cancer. I should be extremely glad that he has come this far and in a way I am because he looks very well but it is still so sad.
I have to take all cooking utensils and pots and pans because dad has disposed of his and then I will have fun trying to work his nice halogen hob, I will get there in the end. We will have Christmas pud and cream and some wine with dinner then we shall watch whatever DVD that I am going to buy for dad for Christmas followed by whatever western we can find on 'Movies for men' or similar. My son will have dinner with us then make a speedy escape to meet some friends (he's only 24 so I don't blame him, in fact I would like to go with him)
I will buy dad a bottle of whisky and probably consume a good amount of it so that I can sleep well because we will stay the night. I will do my utmost to enjoy this Christmas day because it will almost certainly be dads last because of his cancer. I should be extremely glad that he has come this far and in a way I am because he looks very well but it is still so sad.
I have yet to make plans for Christmas as I do not know if mum will be in her AL or in a new care home. Realistically I suppose she will stay where she is as I cant see the wheels moving very quickly this time of year. I have always spent Christmas with mum - when I finally left home at 34, mum came to me every year. last Christmas was the final one as I simply cannot face having her again. She was confused, wanted to go home, ate little and, frankly did not have a clue what day it was. Mum was always excited by Christmas and made Christmas fun. Now it is just an exercise in spending money. Its so desperately sad.
I will speak with the AL team and see when is best to visit on the day and go from there. I know I am selfish but I look at mum and feel such utter despair for her and 'special days' like this are too hard to bear
I will speak with the AL team and see when is best to visit on the day and go from there. I know I am selfish but I look at mum and feel such utter despair for her and 'special days' like this are too hard to bear
I used to take Christmas up to my parents for a few years. We had a great time. My daughter came up on the train. We had a lovely Christmas lunch followed by singing of Carols. My father really enjoyed himself playing his harmonica whilst my daughter played the ukulele! And t he happy memories kept him going for a long time. My mum with early stages dementia also enjoyed herself. All changed this year as Dad died in the summer. We are doing Christmas lunch on Christmas eve at a local restaurant then Mum will have another Christmas in the CH on Christmas day. Fingers crossed she'll have a nice time. We will probably spend Christmas day on the M6.
Hi @elvismad
Can I say, I really don't think you're being selfish. You say your mum didn't enjoy Christmas as such last year, and in fact wanted to go home.....so from what you say, I think she'd be most content in her AL flat. Give yourself a break too, and try to enjoy something if the day. I'm absolutely sure you need and deserve it.
Take care
Lindy xx
@elvismad i agree with @Lindy50 that you are not being selfish. I understand those feelings though. I've felt guilty, selfish and finally defeated as I've tried to work out how to include dad at Christmas this year. Previously I have always hosted a big party on Christmas Eve - but dad has stopped walking again and can now barely stand. I live in a big old house with a narrow hallway and doorway into the downstairs loo. His wheelchair will not fit. Like your mum he would now not understand the fuss and noise and I think it would distress him and the grandchildren. It wouldn't be merry!!
So I've spoken to my siblings and, if we can get the quiet lounge in the Carehome to ourselves for an hour or two, we will take some mince pies and pop and hope for the best...
So I've spoken to my siblings and, if we can get the quiet lounge in the Carehome to ourselves for an hour or two, we will take some mince pies and pop and hope for the best...
Thank you @Lindy50 and @Bunpoots . Its just so sad. I realise we do so much to keep things normal but really, as the disease progresses and takes more of our person away, we are doing these things more for ourselves than we are for them. Their reality is so different. I will see what the AL will be doing and go from there.
The last two Christmas's mum had refused to get up and did not understand the giving and receiving of presents. She died in February and so OH and I have been talking about what we would like to do this Christmas as we have no reason to be at home. We thought about having a Christmas away at a posh hotel, with a spa and some nice walks, etc. Then we realised we moved from London to Somerset to get a better life, albeit it was also tied around affording a house with a downstairs bathroom and bedroom for mum. So we are having Christmas at home and driving a very few miles to the coast and having the nice long walks, and going up the road to the spa hotel for the pampering bits if the mood takes us. I shall stock the fridge with easy food from M&S and if it involves frozen chips and peas, so be it.
We miss mum hugely but having a Christmas to do what we want, when we want and where we want is a big bonus.
We miss mum hugely but having a Christmas to do what we want, when we want and where we want is a big bonus.
M& do a turkey dinner, with pigs in bacon, veg & roasties, oven 25 minutes, I’ve already bought mine. The days of cooking for hours are long gone, I will however serve it onto plates, it would be tacky to eat Xmas dinner out of a plastic tray.
Well I have my Christmas planned, presents bought . Up to see Mum on Sunday. Daughter coming up on train on Monday when we are taking Mum out for lunch taking her back to the CH in time for tea and then she'll spend her first Christmas at the CH. We are driving back early Christmas morning and will spend Boxing day with our daughter and her partner.
So why have I started worrying all over again. Very anxious . Will it work out . Will Mum be ok.
Not looking forward to it at all.
So why have I started worrying all over again. Very anxious . Will it work out . Will Mum be ok.
Not looking forward to it at all.
Of course it will because you have taken take of everyone now just relax and enjoy the fruits of your forward planning.
Thank you. Sometimes I think you can get into the habit of being anxious. I was worried about my Mum and Dad for so long it seems to be part of me now !
