Christmas cards

[Felinefan66]

I'm sorry if this msg is in the wrong category - my father has undiagnosed memory issues, very likely dementia from the symptoms I've been seeing and from discussions with Dementia Support.

So, this is the first year he's not really bothered about Christmas cards. He's always been a bit humbug about the whole festive season anyway, but this last week I've reminded him several times that if he wants to send Christmas cards (because it's Christmas... ) then he needs to buy some and get them posted asap. Some days he'll remember and say, 'oh I must buy some cards!' then other times it completely slips his mind. I don't know whether to keep reminding him or just let it slide - if the latter, than I'm almost sure he won't send cards ever again.

I'm going to be spending a week from Friday 22nd til Thurs 28th with my Dad , without the usual support of my husband who'll be back home working, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Each time I visit him I see things not quite the same as they used to be which makes me extremely anxious and frustrated, and frankly depressed, because I can't do anything to help as he refuses anything and everything. I see the shower that still doesn't work despite him saying he showers 2-3 times a week, I see him wearing the same clothes for weeks on end despite him telling me they're not dirty, and I could go on and on. Other than that, he's in extremely good health. How does one cope with this, mentally? In the early days it normal to be angry and frustrated at the PWD? I think because Dad is agressively in denial and refuses any help, refuses to have anyone come to the house to help, that triggers my frustration whereas he's ok in his world, unaware of what's happening around him. I don't want to come across as selfish or uncaring as that's not who I am but I want to be able to be open with my feelings without judgement as I know this is only the beginning of a very long road. I'm scared and nervous - I'm an only child and have very little support and not sure how I'm going to manage Dad in the future when things decline further. I have LPA forms to discuss with him however, like everything else, he never considers there's any problem to warrant completing such documents and unfortunately I think it might be a little too late. He was going to get a will done but didn't like it when I made an appointment for him during Free Will month, but then when I left it to him, he forgot and never bothered to organise one (always the usual scenario these days). With Dad, I think everything is going to come crashing down all at once and I'll be left to cope and pick up the pieces and all the problems that that will create without having any paperwork in place. (This is not the person he once was - astute, organised, proactive.) Sorry, went off on a tangent!

For now.. any tips on how to survive Christmas for my emotional well-being?

 

[Jessbow]

You appeal to him todo things BEFORE they are needed- ''lets do your POA before we need to''
Will probably isnt the end of the world- rues of intestacy are fairly straightforward if you are his only child.
i'd let xmas cards slide

 

[Skoobydoo]

See the GP for a referral to the Memory Clinic. The GP will arrange for a blood and urine test to ensure there is no infection first before referral can be made.
Make arrangements to get the shower fixed.
Speak to the local authority for a Care Act 2014 assessment and ask for a Carers assessment (which you are legally entitled). The local authority will also have details of groups/clubs in the local area.
Although this may not be ideas for Christmas you will feel that you are taking some control in order to support your dad and yourself. Better to do it now rather than leave it until he is worse and it comes to crisis. Best wishes.

 

[Skoobydoo]

Also, I don't know if you have Admiral Nurses in your area, but they support those struggling to care for their loved ones who have dementia

 

[Banjomansmate]

If your Dad was always careful with his money this may be a lever to get him to do LPA. Say that if anything happened to him, like a fall or an accident and he ended up in hospital someone would need to make decisions about what happens to him and without LPA that would be Social Services. Likewise someone would need access to his bank account to pay bills etc. If for some reason he was unable to deal with it himself then the Court of Protection would have to deal with it, which is an expensive way of doing things as whoever deals with it will be charging a fortune to do the work and the money will come out of his finances!

Maybe you can get the forms printed off from the internet and signed over this Christmas period with him if he has a friend who could certify he knew what he was doing?

 

[Skoobydoo]

Don't forget you can apply to be an Appointee by contacting Department of Work and Pensions. This shouldn't cost anything and it enables you to support your father by being able to access his pension/benefits in order to pay bills. It will not allow you to access savings, for that you will need to be LPA if he has mental capacity for finances or, if he does not have mental capacity for finances then you would need to apply for deputy via the Court of Protection.

 

[Skoobydoo]

If you contact your local authority and ask for the Care Act Assessment for your father, the social worker will be able, if there is any doubt about his capacity to understand information, a mental capacity assessment with regards to his care needs but may also agree to complete one for finances too, but as I say you might have already contact Department of Work and Pensions.

 

[Felinefan66]

Thanks for the responses.

1. I've got the LPA forms already printed. I mentioned doing this over a year ago but back then when he seemed ok, even then he wasn't interested as he didn't think it was necessary and strongly rejected the idea of having an LPA in place, despite me providing reasons for doing so. (The problem with doing the forms now is that if asked, I'm not entirely sure Dad would know why he was signing an LPA..). He's also got rather careless with money and tends to shrug his shoulders with a 'so-what' attitude when I explain he's paid for something 2-3 times over what he should have.

2. He vehemently refuses to see his GP as as far as he's concerned there's nothing wrong with him. I can't emphasise this strongly enough.. I cannot force him to go.. I can't even persuade him.. to him this would be like admitting he has a problem, which of course to him, he doesn't! He's totally non-compliant in this respect and going to see his GP is not something he does generally - I can count the amount of times he's seen his GP in 80 years on one hand. We have mentioned this to him a few times around his memory issues and he absolutely refuses point blank to set foot in the GP's surgery, or have anyone come to the house. I did mention this to the Dementia Support staff who did come to the same conclusion as me that with his personality, sadly, it's likely going to have to be a crisis situation before any action can be taken. I am so anxious about this as I don't know how I'll cope. We work, we live 5 hours away from him, we have a simple, humble life - i.e. we don't have a lot of money. Ideally we plan for Dad to come and live with us - one day he says he will, the next day he forgets.. I feel so isolated with this situation.. my Dad was the man I always went to for support and guidance and now he's not there and I'm angry at this.. for him being so forgetful, for being careless with his money, for not dressing so smartly as he always used to, I'm angry at the man who's taken my Dad's place.

 

[Violet Jane]

Think very, very carefully about moving your Dad in with you. Without intending to, you will become his full time carer and Social Services will take no interest once you can't cope any more. Eventually, your entire life will revolve around his ever-increasing needs and you'll have to give up work. You could end up caring for your Dad for years. For example, the life expectancy for people with Alzheimer's is 8 to 12 years.

Would your Dad be more receptive to drawing up an LPA if you drew one up too? That way you could present it as a document that everyone has (or should have).

 

[Chizz]

Hi @Felinefan66
Sorry to hear about your dad.

I'm full time caring for my other half, and have been for 7 years. My daughter comes to stay for a weekend about every 5 or 6 weeks, probably to keep an eye on me, and to see if I'm keeping house up to scratch

I think I'm doing OK, but I don't dust and vac as often as I used to. I keep up with the washing, but don't iron very often and then only a few items. My daughter, in her 50's, obviously has more energy than I do. She doesn't say I should vac the lounge, she just goes and does it. She doesn't say I should clean this or that, but just goes and does it, sometimes annoyingly just a day or so after I've done that!

So with your dad, after he's gone to bed, you just take the clothes and put them in the washing machine, and put out fresh clothes for him to wear in the morning, As has been suggested, just arrange for a plumber to come and fix the shower, etc

Jot down your concerns. Then speak with or write to your dad's GP setting out your worries, and ask the GP to contact your dad to tell him to come in to the surgery for a "well man" check up. The GP can, at that visit, do his own assessment.

Also as has been said, think carefully whether you want your dad to move in with you. You'll become the full time carer as he deteriorates, your life will become much restricted. Caring for a PWD is not a part time job. It takes over everything . Are your prepared for this? Is your OH prepared for it, as it affects the whole family.

Best wishes

 

[Izzy]

You’ve had some good advice here @Felinefan66. I just wondered if there was anything here that would be of help -

How to support a person with dementia at Christmas

Christmas means many things to many people—from food, family and festivities, to religious observance and quiet reflection. But for people affected by dementia it can be more difficult. Here are 8 ways you can support people with dementia at Christmas.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

I hope your festive season goes as peacefully as possible.

 

[Trappedathome]

Thanks for the responses.

1. I've got the LPA forms already printed. I mentioned doing this over a year ago but back then when he seemed ok, even then he wasn't interested as he didn't think it was necessary and strongly rejected the idea of having an LPA in place, despite me providing reasons for doing so. (The problem with doing the forms now is that if asked, I'm not entirely sure Dad would know why he was signing an LPA..). He's also got rather careless with money and tends to shrug his shoulders with a 'so-what' attitude when I explain he's paid for something 2-3 times over what he should have.

2. He vehemently refuses to see his GP as as far as he's concerned there's nothing wrong with him. I can't emphasise this strongly enough.. I cannot force him to go.. I can't even persuade him.. to him this would be like admitting he has a problem, which of course to him, he doesn't! He's totally non-compliant in this respect and going to see his GP is not something he does generally - I can count the amount of times he's seen his GP in 80 years on one hand. We have mentioned this to him a few times around his memory issues and he absolutely refuses point blank to set foot in the GP's surgery, or have anyone come to the house. I did mention this to the Dementia Support staff who did come to the same conclusion as me that with his personality, sadly, it's likely going to have to be a crisis situation before any action can be taken. I am so anxious about this as I don't know how I'll cope. We work, we live 5 hours away from him, we have a simple, humble life - i.e. we don't have a lot of money. Ideally we plan for Dad to come and live with us - one day he says he will, the next day he forgets.. I feel so isolated with this situation.. my Dad was the man I always went to for support and guidance and now he's not there and I'm angry at this.. for him being so forgetful, for being careless with his money, for not dressing so smartly as he always used to, I'm angry at the man who's taken my Dad's place.

I live with my father, who was diagnosed this year but has had dementia for a while. I would seriously
pause before you take him into your home. Your life, and your husband's, will soon be about him and little else. I'm an only child and he sounds a lot like your father. Unrecognisable most of the time. It is emotionally draining and physically demanding. Social Services back off like the other member said. I'm angry too as he was horrible to my late Mum and her last year's were spent wondering if he'd shout at her or even hit her.

 

[Felinefan66]

Good evening all,

Thank you again for your responses. I must reiterate that my father will absolutely reject most stubbornly to attend the GP for anything. It was hard enough to convince him to get Covid jabs because he never thought he would get it and didn't need the jabs (thankfully he didn't catch Covid). He hates GPs with a passion, mistrusts them, and thinks they're all trying to get their claws into people and on to drugs - these have always been his thoughts about GPs. He only ever takes paracetamol and if he has a medical problem he simply 'deals' with it. There is no way that I can persuade him to go, I've tried, my husband's tried and any appointment letter would be promptly disregarded and thrown into the rubbish bin.

I did speak with the surgery last year when I first started to notice symptoms and they said they cannot do anything as this has to 'come from your father'. They said I could write a letter which would be put on his file. But... I think it's worth contacting them again.

I don't know how to express this, but my father would hate to be in a care home... mixing with other people ( he's quite the introvert - very bookish and intellectual) not from the same background, and I always swore that I would never put my parents into a care home. He does not have any savings to go into private care either - privately rents his home. I therefore have considered it my duty to look after him and I appreciate what everyone is saying and I know that the pressures and demands will be overwhelming.. my exhusband's mother had alzheimers for about 10 years and her husband looked after her all that time at home - they were both in their 70s (she passed away a short while ago aged 80). However, I wouldn't want Social Services to come in taking over, that's a real concern of mine. Also, if anyone suggests we could consider employing carers to go in.. we just don't have that sort of income, neither of us are on good salaries and I work part-time (remotely).

My father goes to bed around 11pm and then reads... how on earth do I sneak into his bedroom and take his clothes at what could be 1 or 2am?!! I just can't imagine doing that - he would definitely wake up He's not forgetful or unaware all the time and when he's having good moments, he jolly well doesn't miss a thing!

I just don't know what to do... I'm 57, my husband is 60, Dad is 81. Dad is fine on the surface but it's only when one knows him, and chats with him that the symptoms become apparent. Some days he's absolutely fine, other days very forgetful. I'm anxious about speaking with his GP as I don't want a can of worms opened prematurely (sorry, that's not right but I don't know how else to phrase it), whilst he's still got good days - I don't want him to think that I am betraying him, that I'm planning for the men in white coats to take him away. Of course he doesn't know what's happening to him - to him he's absolutely fine, although I do feel he is occasionally aware that he should have remembered something - tonight during a phone call I asked him if he remembered what country my husband is from.. Iraq... and he couldn't remember, saying that he probably never knew that anyway (well Dad.. that's definitely something I would have told you! The first time they met each other Dad would also talk to my husband about the problems in Iraq. When he doesn't remember something that he thinks he should, he quickly wants to change the subject.) Off on a tangent again... so back to what I was saying... I don't want my Dad to feel scared that he's going to be 'put away' whilst he still has some cognition! He tries so so hard to protect his independence. Some days I wish I could sit him down and say Dad.. we need to talk.. you've got memory issues and need to see a doctor.. oh sorry, yes we have tried that and all we got was point blank denial, refusal to accept any problem with his memory, quite angrily, and subject was closed. He is the sort of person who will argue black is white until he is blue in the face.

Ref LPA - my husband and I have talked about doing LPAs for each other so it's possible that we could do this at the same time as Dad.

I am grateful for all the advice and I'm sorry if anyone feels I am putting brick walls in my way.. but I just know my father and it's all so very bloody difficult. As I said, I also feel so isolated with this situation so I'm grateful to be able to write on here to express my thoughts and feelings as I don't have anywhere else to turn to.