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Caring for my Nan

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
Hello,

I don’t really know where to start. Nan and I have always been close more like my mum. I have such fond memories of my childhood with her.
fast forward 20 odd years.
My Dad got a house when I was 16 with my Nan to ensure she didn’t go into a care home. I’m now 33 two children toddler and ten year old and a partner.
My Nan has 3 sons and 5 grandkids. My Dad gambles and they were going to be evicted my Uncle said to me I will sort it out only if I move in! I couldn’t face my Nan being evicted with days notice it would of caused her a heart attack. So my partner who was also very close to he’s Nan who passed a while back and I sat down and I said I can’t say no she needs me. Gave up our shared ownership. What we pay for rent here my Uncle said will come off our mortgage agreement with Him once my Nans passed not until can we get it in our name.
many how 3 years later and my Nan has unspecified dementia and98 years old I also have a toddler and a teenager. My dad lives here and has small rent fee of£100 a week to pay me. He gambles and I’m owed a lot. The other sons barely visit and grandkids don’t at all.
my Nan is needed round the clock care meal tablets accidents such as setting herself poking herself. I work part time but can’t work more as my Nan and kids. Carers come for 30 mins a day to wash her.
I’m struggling with The size of this old house and how much it costs in gas and electric alonelet alone all the things that need fixing and redoing due to its age. We are basically paying for my dad and my Nan to live here free understand my Nan she’s old.
then I tell my uncle as he’s power of attorney that I am applying for careers allowance not sure if I’ll get anything etc.
find out he’s getting it and putting it into her account. He said well you don’t care for her. I’m exhausted from the caring and I’m exhausted for the cost of this house. I’m also grieving the loss of my Nan even though she’s still here but her mind is going. I think I’m actually mentally struggling to juggle it all.
and quite frankly why should I be juggling! Everyone says just let them do it as in her sons but they won’t it will be left to me regardless. ButI’m on the verge of just s throwing the towel in and renting as no savings since being here to live so could never get a Mortgage. All because I’m too kind and think of others I don’t regret looking after my Nan I regret moving in here should of kept my house and have her move to me. But too late now and I’m stuck stuck of guilt. As she doesn’t want a care home but my mental health needs a break. Lockdown hasn’t helped as I haven’t met friends with kids for lunch to have a little bit of escapism. Please tell me I’m not the only one stuck like this.
thank you
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,132
Yorkshire
hello @Lovemynan98
a warm welcome to DTP

many are finding it tough living under lockdown, certainly ... it's hard not having available some of the services that provide some time to look to yourself

your situation sounds wholly untenable ... it's lovely that you care for your nan so much, she's fortunate to have you, but it seems to me that your care is being abused and manipulated by your dad and uncle
and you have your own children to consider, they need you, they must be your priority
you have the right to consider your own and their health and welfare

do chat with your GP about yourself and how all this is affecting you

if your uncle is claiming the carer's allowance, I can't help but think it's time he 'earned' it

I think you are right to be thinking of moving out and settling your own situation

contact your Local Authority Adult Services and give them full details of your nan's situation, explaining that you have reached carer burnout and will be leaving so they need to ensure that she has a suitable care package in place, and even, though I appreciate this is what you've been trying to avoid, recommend residential care so your nan is in a safe environment

I suspect you'll face resistance from her sons, so be strong .... and keep posting
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,611
South coast
Oh my goodness what a mess.

You have done wonderfully well looking after your nan, but the situation you find yourself in now is, IMO, tantamount to abuse. You cant carry on like this.

I know that you and your grandad have been trying to keep your nan out of a care home and that she herself has said that she doesnt want to go, but actually, a good care home can be very positive. My mum fought hard against moving into a care home and begged me to never put her in one, but instead I promised that I would do everything I could to do what was best for her. I was not in a position to be able to care for her myself, so eventually there was no choice and she moved to a care home after ending up in hospital. It was a revelation! Once she had settled she made friends, joined in all the activities, her anxiety and paranoia went and she was happy there - in fact she thrived. I felt that I had kept my promise.

My experience is not unique - many other people have found the same, so your nan may be happy in a care home too, once she gets there, so please do not feel guilty if it comes to that for your nan. In fact, if you leave and your nan moves into care where she is well looked after, this may be a very good outcome.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
288
One of the risks of caring for someone for a long time is that we can live entirely for them and start to think that we don't actually matter at all any more. I'm all for being kind and caring but this is a dreadful situation and you are being taken advantage of. Please read the advice that @Shedrech and @canary have given carefully and act on it. It really is time to change things - and to get your life back.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,814
North West
Vote with your feet @Lovemynan98 -if your giving up so much as the carer then it should be on more balanced terms. Seems to me its all very one sided. I think its a tricky situation for you because its family, but sometimes they can be the worse abusers of someones good will.

I agree with the others, hopefully you can make change happen that suites you while making sure your nan is ok
 

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
hello @Lovemynan98
a warm welcome to DTP

many are finding it tough living under lockdown, certainly ... it's hard not having available some of the services that provide some time to look to yourself

your situation sounds wholly untenable ... it's lovely that you care for your nan so much, she's fortunate to have you, but it seems to me that your care is being abused and manipulated by your dad and uncle
and you have your own children to consider, they need you, they must be your priority
you have the right to consider your own and their health and welfare

do chat with your GP about yourself and how all this is affecting you

if your uncle is claiming the carer's allowance, I can't help but think it's time he 'earned' it

I think you are right to be thinking of moving out and settling your own situation

contact your Local Authority Adult Services and give them full details of your nan's situation, explaining that you have reached carer burnout and will be leaving so they need to ensure that she has a suitable care package in place, and even, though I appreciate this is what you've been trying to avoid, recommend residential care so your nan is in a safe environment

I suspect you'll face resistance from her sons, so be strong .... and keep posting
Thank you, really appreciate the advice I will look in to speaking with the council on my Nan.
 

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
Oh my goodness what a mess.

You have done wonderfully well looking after your nan, but the situation you find yourself in now is, IMO, tantamount to abuse. You cant carry on like this.

I know that you and your grandad have been trying to keep your nan out of a care home and that she herself has said that she doesnt want to go, but actually, a good care home can be very positive. My mum fought hard against moving into a care home and begged me to never put her in one, but instead I promised that I would do everything I could to do what was best for her. I was not in a position to be able to care for her myself, so eventually there was no choice and she moved to a care home after ending up in hospital. It was a revelation! Once she had settled she made friends, joined in all the activities, her anxiety and paranoia went and she was happy there - in fact she thrived. I felt that I had kept my promise.

My experience is not unique - many other people have found the same, so your nan may be happy in a care home too, once she gets there, so please do not feel guilty if it comes to that for your nan. In fact, if you leave and your nan moves into care where she is well looked after, this may be a very good outcome.
That is great to hear how your mum got on in care home, I have been thinking that it would give her more company and conversations. Thank you for sharing with me.
 

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
hello @Lovemynan98
a warm welcome to DTP

many are finding it tough living under lockdown, certainly ... it's hard not having available some of the services that provide some time to look to yourself

your situation sounds wholly untenable ... it's lovely that you care for your nan so much, she's fortunate to have you, but it seems to me that your care is being abused and manipulated by your dad and uncle
and you have your own children to consider, they need you, they must be your priority
you have the right to consider your own and their health and welfare

do chat with your GP about yourself and how all this is affecting you

if your uncle is claiming the carer's allowance, I can't help but think it's time he 'earned' it

I think you are right to be thinking of moving out and settling your own situation

contact your Local Authority Adult Services and give them full details of your nan's situation, explaining that you have reached carer burnout and will be leaving so they need to ensure that she has a suitable care package in place, and even, though I appreciate this is what you've been trying to avoid, recommend residential care so your nan is in a safe environment

I suspect you'll face resistance from her sons, so be strong .... and keep posting
I do need to go to my GP such great advice thank you again x
 

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
One of the risks of caring for someone for a long time is that we can live entirely for them and start to think that we don't actually matter at all any more. I'm all for being kind and caring but this is a dreadful situation and you are being taken advantage of. Please read the advice that @Shedrech and @canary have given carefully and act on it. It really is time to change things - and to get your life back.
Thank you, I did break down today in tears and I’ve realised this is not getting any better but I think my Dad was very shocked by it all. Let’s hope it gets a
Bit easier. Long walk with kids today has done me the world of good away from the house for absolute hours.
 

Lovemynan98

New member
Jun 29, 2020
6
Vote with your feet @Lovemynan98 -if your giving up so much as the carer then it should be on more balanced terms. Seems to me its all very one sided. I think its a tricky situation for you because its family, but sometimes they can be the worse abusers of someones good will.

I agree with the others, hopefully you can make change happen that suites you while making sure your nan is ok
Thank you, I do hope so.
 

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