Caring for my ex

[Chocolate box]

My ex husband and I split up 20 years ago but he now has mid to late stage Alzheimer’s and I find myself in the ‘default’ position of being his carer, as he has no friends and my daughters aren’t that empathetic with his situation (as he walked out on us twenty years ago).

I have attended to all his financial and legal
Issues as he is no longer capable of doing so. I have also moved him to extra care housing.

I am finding it difficult to continue to care for him as we do not live together in the same house. He lives nearby but I wrestle with feeling resentful that I seem to be his carer and continuing to look after him, given that he left me for another woman who has since disappeared now he is not well.

How much should I do? I am just trying to be a decent human being, but his expectations of what I should do are quite high as the dementia means he has forgotten we split up all those years ago. Anyone else in this situation?

 

[Jools1402]

I fully understand what you mean by doing the decent thing but in truth you don't have to do anything for him. You could flag him up to social services as being a vulnerable adult and get them to assess - he is their responsibility. You should only do as much or as little as you are comfortable with. If there are any major problems the manager at the extra care housing complex will know to get hold of social services.

 

[Chocolate box]

Yes I am sure you are right as there are times when I feel I am the social services! Thanks for your reply

 

[Knitandpurl]

I think you are a Saint, not sure under the circumstances I could/would do what you are doing. Decide what and where you are going to ‘draw the line’ and don’t step one inch over it. Your daughter’s are his ‘next of kin’, and if they do not wish to take on any caring duties (understandably) thst does NOT mean you should.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Chocolate box The answer is in the title of your thread. He is your ex and chose to be that a long time ago. You don't have to do anything for him. Leave it to social services.

 

[cymbid]

I may be going to speak out of turn here , and i apologise if it seems harsh .

I have no idea of the circumstances of your marriage, other than the other woman . I have no idea if you suffered mental abuse or coercive behaviour with him . But 20 years is a long time . The children are not interested in him. How and why are you. How did you even know about his problems.

For women who have been dominated by a man and disregarded and discarded there is often a feeling of guilt. (i speak from experience) Do you still think of him as family ? do you think you owe him this care ?

I think you should speak to social work , as suggested above, and step back out of this mans life . You owe him nothing . Dont martyr your remaining time with someone so undeserving of your care. xx

 

[Violet Jane]

You don't owe him anything at all. He left you 20 years ago. Decide how much you will do and tell Social Service what your limits are.

Dealing with his legal and financial matters is more than enough. Why are you dealing with them? Do you have a POA for property and financial affairs? If you don't then you can step away completely. If you do then you will inevitably be drawn into care matters if there's nobody else to deal with them. I know this as my husband had a financial POA for an elderly friend and we ended up dealing with everything including care, things to do with the house and garden and her life and health admin. It was a lot of work. I was the first port of call for absolutely everyone. I was a de facto health and welfare attorney and next of kin.

In all honesty, it would be easier and neater to relinquish any POAs you have and walk away completely. The only barrier to that would be your daughters getting drawn in but they won't be if they are firm with SS.

 

[Kevinl]

True what you say cymbid it is harsh, just isn't in the nature of some people to be that way and I'm one of them.
Forgive and forget, not easy but we're it to be the other way round and my wife had left my 20 years ago for someone else could I forgive?
Hard one to answer but I would like to think I'd always be there for someone struggling.
I had her and mum too at one stage and not all men are dominating and disregarding, don't write us all off, please. K

 

[victoriab70]

It is completely up to you what you do, but you shouldn’t feel obligated. You are obviously an extremely kind and caring person and want to do the right thing. Sadly with dementia/alzheimers it is not always obvious what the right thing is. My advice would be to contact your county council adult services team and explain the situation to them. The responsibility to care for him is theirs, not yours. It doesn’t mean you can’t visit or check in on him to reassure yourself that he is being cared for. Whatever you decide, make the decision based on what is right for you.

 

[Alisongs]

My ex husband and I split up 20 years ago but he now has mid to late stage Alzheimer’s and I find myself in the ‘default’ position of being his carer, as he has no friends and my daughters aren’t that empathetic with his situation (as he walked out on us twenty years ago).

I have attended to all his financial and legal
Issues as he is no longer capable of doing so. I have also moved him to extra care housing.

I am finding it difficult to continue to care for him as we do not live together in the same house. He lives nearby but I wrestle with feeling resentful that I seem to be his carer and continuing to look after him, given that he left me for another woman who has since disappeared now he is not well.

How much should I do? I am just trying to be a decent human being, but his expectations of what I should do are quite high as the dementia means he has forgotten we split up all those years ago. Anyone else in this situation?

 

[Alisongs]

Of course you can still care for and about your ex, as you have shared history and experiences. Social services are responsible for him, not you. You are not legally obliged to care for family, let alone ex-family. Nor is it legal for A to compel B to take care of C. Step back, tell Social Services he needs them to step in. You can then do for him what suits you on any given day. Visiting my husband in a dementia ward for the last six weeks has made me understand I can still feel for relate to many of his ward mates, and they, and the nurses, appreciate that I engage. We're all human!