Really tired. Yet again another round of arguing between Mum and brother. This time poor Dad actually heard it, brother was shouting at me for 20-30 minutes about her hoarding stuff - too much she wasn't using in kitchen and food stored elsewhere. Then shouting I didn't help enough. When I had helped them both the last 6 months with all kinds of things from personal care, shopping, appts, diagnosis, insurers, surveyors, trades, chaos all in the restrictions. I said I would help more. I keep getting mixed messages from him. That he is fine. That he is better doing stuff and getting on with it. Offered to help and be there more to share role in housework/personal care and he refused. Then said he was exhausted, keeping half awake at night in case Dad falls again. Then Dad refused 'red alert' pendant... despite me saying that if brother isn't there, I could come to help him if he fell....
Poor Dad said the sooner he died the better, and Mum said she felt the same, about dying with him... Cannot get brother to empathise at all, despite numerous attempts, with Mum.
Phoned nurse team (for poor Dad) and phoned SS (ASC) asking for more urgent referral. In tears... they gave me a reference number, but, when I went round parents brother hadn't left this time like he said he was going to, so spent time taking Mum out - space for her. So didn't contact them again.... they suggest assessment which I agree she needs. But, she refuses....
Haven't slept properly for 2 nights and can't face going round there, I feel mentally, physically and emotionally at breaking point.
Brother is pushing for mum to go into a home. Saying he follows her around and has to monitor her because she drops things on floor/leaves obstacles/forgets where she put things. He cut himself on a half pair of scissors in their kitchen drawer (not something I had noticed in the previous 6 months I had been there), which he claimed Mum had removed the other half? Weirdly (conveniently?) later same day he went to another room and started shouting about how she stored kitchen stuff she didn't need, pulling items out of there, and then saying 'Look, she has put the other half of the scissors here!'. Thinking about it later (over-thinking?) it seemed a bit of a coincidence that he went straight to this drawer, where you had to climb over stuff, to access and open it.
Like he is trying over-hard to prove her lack of capability? Or am I just paranoid? He also pointed out other stuff stored in another fridge which clearly wasn't food - again, 'proving' incapability. I am a little perturbed that he is really pushing this agenda. He said she is a menace. Doesn't want her in the kitchen when he cooks. Unfortunately I had observed him drinking there (couple of pints in 1hour/hour & a half) so wondering if this is part of him not wanting her in there....
God I am tired. When I took Mum shopping this week, she then insisted on going out again without lunch, saying she would get a bus back. I felt I shouldn't leave her, but, couldn't force her to accept my company as I feel she has the capacity to decide this. Unfortunately, she walked home soaked in rain, saying there were no buses....! : (
Feel really bad that I didn't insist on being with her. I know she feels constantly that she needs to get out of her own home. Feels like she is being chased out by brother arguing with her. OR vice versa? Tried ringing ASC for ages, couldn't get through. Tried doing on-line form for her assessment, and registered with local council, but, when I selected option of doing form without her permission, I can't action it as it needs her on board
The horrible thought I have is that brother is trying to force the issue of her being put into a home before she has lost full capacity, simply because of his own issues and being in denial of his dependency, when he knows she confronts him if she thinks he is drinking too much. I feel really awful thinking this. That he would even do that. But mum has said to me in tears that she feels he is manipulative. Shouting at her so she stresses out and can't remember things even more. Sorry for venting these terrible thoughts, I could be doing him a real dis-service here, he could genuinely be struggling with her memory and mood issues and it is getting on his last nerve, judging by what I have read on here.
I am going to try ASC again.....