can i just say that alcoholics tend to be able to tolerate a higher level of alcohol as their bodies get use to the amount he drinks. the amount he is drinking may seem very high to you but they can drink a lot more without affect and appearing drunk. is it high strength beer? my son, a recovered alcoholic used to drink the 3ltr bottles of strong beer or cider and wouldnt think anything of it. he used to have a can of beer before he could get out of bed or go out. thankfully he isnt dependent on alcohol and dont tend to drink but it took years and his partners patience. he is now her carer and helps us out so much so all is not lost
Carer for Mum, Alzheimer's (early stage) diagnosis.
- Thread starter Fluff bucket
- Start date
My ex husband is what is known as a “functioning alcoholic. In other words he can drink far more than most people.
When I saw Mum later today, she looked so down and so tired. She had to lie down whilst a guest was there. I think its partly the AD, partly lack of sleep, partly the new meds.
But, also, partly I think she is dispirited that brother isn't letting her help enough. When I gave her time and attention, she went from tired and depressed to brightening up a lot, and that, I think, is lacking from brother and Dad. They tend to be too dismissive, describing her as 'not capable' when I know she can do things like walk the dog, etc.
I really don't think they give her enough credit. And, brother not taking any notice of what advice (via dementia helpline/support) I talk about. Mum needs to be heard at least, even if they think its wrong.
But, also, partly I think she is dispirited that brother isn't letting her help enough. When I gave her time and attention, she went from tired and depressed to brightening up a lot, and that, I think, is lacking from brother and Dad. They tend to be too dismissive, describing her as 'not capable' when I know she can do things like walk the dog, etc.
I really don't think they give her enough credit. And, brother not taking any notice of what advice (via dementia helpline/support) I talk about. Mum needs to be heard at least, even if they think its wrong.
I think the clue as to why your brother isn't letting your mum help as much as she wants to in the fact that when you are there you give her 'time and attention'. I think your brother is so focused on your dad, he can't supervise your mum as much as she probably needs, which means her 'help' perhaps isn't as helpful as she thinks it is. When you're there, you are keeping her focused, but I can well imagine your brother saying something like 'Can you get the washing out of the machine, hang it up and while you're there put the oven on for dinner.' Your mum may not now be able to follow a sequence of instructions like that, so the washing get's taken out and left or she forgets to put the oven on, or decides to start getting dinner together, but uses something your brother thought you'd agreed for another day. All minor things, but with his own health needs and those of your dad, I can see how irritating it would be, and so much easier not to ask her to do anything.
Not sure quite how you get round that one.
Does your mum have anyone coming in to help her. Age UK's Help at Home service might be good if available in your area. They don't do personal care, but could help your mum do tasks round the house, take her out for walk or just generally chat to her. That might help a bit.
Not sure quite how you get round that one.
Does your mum have anyone coming in to help her. Age UK's Help at Home service might be good if available in your area. They don't do personal care, but could help your mum do tasks round the house, take her out for walk or just generally chat to her. That might help a bit.
@Sarasa
I think that might be at the heart of it. He has said that she 'can look after herself' and then the same day hear both Dad and brother tell her she is incapable of doing anything. That's got to be so confusing, distressing and frustrating for her. No consistency... : (
Sadly, Mum refuses all outside help, refused referral to Dementia services, as I think she is fearful of anyone doing things she still wants to do. Ironically, now she is facing this situation anyway, with brother wanting to dive in and do it all.
I can't help the uneasy feeling though, that he may also be giving her less credit of her capabilities, because she has 'no filter' and talks about his drinking regardless of who is there. So, may also be working to 'shut her down' because of his own issues and in denial of them... really need this assessment to come sooner rather than later.
An open and frank discussion with us all, would mean support for all of us, rather than this current tense atmosphere.
Sat with Mum, as Dad asked me to wake her up, and it breaks my heart to see her so sad. Gently talked about trivial things, yet, we were interrupted 4 times in half an hour. Twice by Dad, and twice by brother, as if they were wanting to police what we discussed.... uneasy about that.
Brother has said variously he is exhausted, little sleep in case Dad falls in the early hours, doing everything, yet, when I offer to help refuses. Then when I say I am coming anyway to help, just says no, you don't need to. I can understand why Mum feels shut out, I am starting to get this too, but I really feel he will burn out, and needs respite.... it must be part of that macho male thing of 'coming to the rescue' as anything...
Been a while since posting. Got the paperwork from local council, although saying that there is a waiting list for assessment with no date given. : ( And paperwork for finding local 'alarm' - to be worn on person. Unfortunately local council don't run this service any more so has to be a private company. I am going to shop around for comparable prices.
Brother and mum had a real fall out - mum threw total tantrum and brother said she was making life unbearable for him, so he took himself off for 4 days. I said that they both needed to have this time out/cooling off period, and that he needed the respite anyway. He wouldn't tell us when he would come back, so, hard work being there for both parents again on my own. My worst fear was that he was on a 'bender', I had talked to a 'dependency' charity and they suggested I look out for signs of this on his return. The good news is that he seems ok, just tired, no bloodshot eyes or smell of alcohol, etc. Praying that I am worrying over-much (or, he is still maintaining the functioning alcoholic?)
I also said to Dad that they might appreciate each other more next time they see each other.
Made the mistake of moving furniture in the attic where brother stays, to make room for more furniture which is going up there, so brother & mother fell out again when he came back! Argh... I thought we were being helpful, tidying up the mess up there (all stuff in a jumble from coming back from specialist cleaners and no proper storage so he has been sleeping in chaos). I spoke to him and he said he felt as he was the one living up there, he should organise it, whereas Mum felt its their home and she should move stuff back to where it originally was. Rock. Hard place.
However, brother also keeps criticising the fact that a double bed wasn't bought with insurance money, in case of guests (or himself bringing lady companion home). Mum didn't want one as eaves in attic room and size of room is small, Dad disagrees with getting rid of the brand new bed just bought (brother suggests moving it out to garage, or, clearing out another over-crowded room downstairs for it - where the heck the mountains of stuff in there would go I have no idea), and Mum wanted things the same as they were before the fire.... where is head bang emoji?
Brother is looking at everything logically - yes the bed is too small for 2 visitors. Mum is looking at things emotionally - wanting to obliterate all trace of the trauma of the fire and all the stuff lost, so it looks essentially the same as it did before the fire, especially emotionally meaningful things like family photo's. And dementia volunteer (plus handy webinar on Dementia I attended) all emphasised things remaining the same to aid memory, treating PWD with calm and patience. Plus repeating myself ad nauseum on this to all of them.
He must have inherited the hoarder gene too as he struggles to let anything go when me and Mum were sorting out some of the mountains of stuff, giving all sorts of reasons, and then saying he had to check what we had sorted out i.e. didn't want us to take to charity off our own initiative. Sorry for the vent...!
I noted that Mum struggles preparing dinner, forgot how hob and microwave worked, and recalled how much Dad used to support her with it before her diagnosis. It is only with his absence of support I can see how much her symptoms were masked with his help. So her Alzheimer's must have been developing for far longer than we thought. Yet, she is quite capable of preparing veggies, etc (on task), however forgot to get out meat for herself. Dad had pre-cooked meals (batch cooked by brother)...
Guess we are on track for more stress/fall-outs.... : (
Brother and mum had a real fall out - mum threw total tantrum and brother said she was making life unbearable for him, so he took himself off for 4 days. I said that they both needed to have this time out/cooling off period, and that he needed the respite anyway. He wouldn't tell us when he would come back, so, hard work being there for both parents again on my own. My worst fear was that he was on a 'bender', I had talked to a 'dependency' charity and they suggested I look out for signs of this on his return. The good news is that he seems ok, just tired, no bloodshot eyes or smell of alcohol, etc. Praying that I am worrying over-much (or, he is still maintaining the functioning alcoholic?)
I also said to Dad that they might appreciate each other more next time they see each other.
Made the mistake of moving furniture in the attic where brother stays, to make room for more furniture which is going up there, so brother & mother fell out again when he came back! Argh... I thought we were being helpful, tidying up the mess up there (all stuff in a jumble from coming back from specialist cleaners and no proper storage so he has been sleeping in chaos). I spoke to him and he said he felt as he was the one living up there, he should organise it, whereas Mum felt its their home and she should move stuff back to where it originally was. Rock. Hard place.
However, brother also keeps criticising the fact that a double bed wasn't bought with insurance money, in case of guests (or himself bringing lady companion home). Mum didn't want one as eaves in attic room and size of room is small, Dad disagrees with getting rid of the brand new bed just bought (brother suggests moving it out to garage, or, clearing out another over-crowded room downstairs for it - where the heck the mountains of stuff in there would go I have no idea), and Mum wanted things the same as they were before the fire.... where is head bang emoji?
Brother is looking at everything logically - yes the bed is too small for 2 visitors. Mum is looking at things emotionally - wanting to obliterate all trace of the trauma of the fire and all the stuff lost, so it looks essentially the same as it did before the fire, especially emotionally meaningful things like family photo's. And dementia volunteer (plus handy webinar on Dementia I attended) all emphasised things remaining the same to aid memory, treating PWD with calm and patience. Plus repeating myself ad nauseum on this to all of them.
He must have inherited the hoarder gene too as he struggles to let anything go when me and Mum were sorting out some of the mountains of stuff, giving all sorts of reasons, and then saying he had to check what we had sorted out i.e. didn't want us to take to charity off our own initiative. Sorry for the vent...!
I noted that Mum struggles preparing dinner, forgot how hob and microwave worked, and recalled how much Dad used to support her with it before her diagnosis. It is only with his absence of support I can see how much her symptoms were masked with his help. So her Alzheimer's must have been developing for far longer than we thought. Yet, she is quite capable of preparing veggies, etc (on task), however forgot to get out meat for herself. Dad had pre-cooked meals (batch cooked by brother)...
Guess we are on track for more stress/fall-outs.... : (
Really tired. Yet again another round of arguing between Mum and brother. This time poor Dad actually heard it, brother was shouting at me for 20-30 minutes about her hoarding stuff - too much she wasn't using in kitchen and food stored elsewhere. Then shouting I didn't help enough. When I had helped them both the last 6 months with all kinds of things from personal care, shopping, appts, diagnosis, insurers, surveyors, trades, chaos all in the restrictions. I said I would help more. I keep getting mixed messages from him. That he is fine. That he is better doing stuff and getting on with it. Offered to help and be there more to share role in housework/personal care and he refused. Then said he was exhausted, keeping half awake at night in case Dad falls again. Then Dad refused 'red alert' pendant... despite me saying that if brother isn't there, I could come to help him if he fell....
Poor Dad said the sooner he died the better, and Mum said she felt the same, about dying with him... Cannot get brother to empathise at all, despite numerous attempts, with Mum.
Phoned nurse team (for poor Dad) and phoned SS (ASC) asking for more urgent referral. In tears... they gave me a reference number, but, when I went round parents brother hadn't left this time like he said he was going to, so spent time taking Mum out - space for her. So didn't contact them again.... they suggest assessment which I agree she needs. But, she refuses....
Haven't slept properly for 2 nights and can't face going round there, I feel mentally, physically and emotionally at breaking point.
Brother is pushing for mum to go into a home. Saying he follows her around and has to monitor her because she drops things on floor/leaves obstacles/forgets where she put things. He cut himself on a half pair of scissors in their kitchen drawer (not something I had noticed in the previous 6 months I had been there), which he claimed Mum had removed the other half? Weirdly (conveniently?) later same day he went to another room and started shouting about how she stored kitchen stuff she didn't need, pulling items out of there, and then saying 'Look, she has put the other half of the scissors here!'. Thinking about it later (over-thinking?) it seemed a bit of a coincidence that he went straight to this drawer, where you had to climb over stuff, to access and open it.
Like he is trying over-hard to prove her lack of capability? Or am I just paranoid? He also pointed out other stuff stored in another fridge which clearly wasn't food - again, 'proving' incapability. I am a little perturbed that he is really pushing this agenda. He said she is a menace. Doesn't want her in the kitchen when he cooks. Unfortunately I had observed him drinking there (couple of pints in 1hour/hour & a half) so wondering if this is part of him not wanting her in there....
God I am tired. When I took Mum shopping this week, she then insisted on going out again without lunch, saying she would get a bus back. I felt I shouldn't leave her, but, couldn't force her to accept my company as I feel she has the capacity to decide this. Unfortunately, she walked home soaked in rain, saying there were no buses....! : (
Feel really bad that I didn't insist on being with her. I know she feels constantly that she needs to get out of her own home. Feels like she is being chased out by brother arguing with her. OR vice versa? Tried ringing ASC for ages, couldn't get through. Tried doing on-line form for her assessment, and registered with local council, but, when I selected option of doing form without her permission, I can't action it as it needs her on board
The horrible thought I have is that brother is trying to force the issue of her being put into a home before she has lost full capacity, simply because of his own issues and being in denial of his dependency, when he knows she confronts him if she thinks he is drinking too much. I feel really awful thinking this. That he would even do that. But mum has said to me in tears that she feels he is manipulative. Shouting at her so she stresses out and can't remember things even more. Sorry for venting these terrible thoughts, I could be doing him a real dis-service here, he could genuinely be struggling with her memory and mood issues and it is getting on his last nerve, judging by what I have read on here.
I am going to try ASC again.....
Poor Dad said the sooner he died the better, and Mum said she felt the same, about dying with him... Cannot get brother to empathise at all, despite numerous attempts, with Mum.
Phoned nurse team (for poor Dad) and phoned SS (ASC) asking for more urgent referral. In tears... they gave me a reference number, but, when I went round parents brother hadn't left this time like he said he was going to, so spent time taking Mum out - space for her. So didn't contact them again.... they suggest assessment which I agree she needs. But, she refuses....
Haven't slept properly for 2 nights and can't face going round there, I feel mentally, physically and emotionally at breaking point.
Brother is pushing for mum to go into a home. Saying he follows her around and has to monitor her because she drops things on floor/leaves obstacles/forgets where she put things. He cut himself on a half pair of scissors in their kitchen drawer (not something I had noticed in the previous 6 months I had been there), which he claimed Mum had removed the other half? Weirdly (conveniently?) later same day he went to another room and started shouting about how she stored kitchen stuff she didn't need, pulling items out of there, and then saying 'Look, she has put the other half of the scissors here!'. Thinking about it later (over-thinking?) it seemed a bit of a coincidence that he went straight to this drawer, where you had to climb over stuff, to access and open it.
Like he is trying over-hard to prove her lack of capability? Or am I just paranoid? He also pointed out other stuff stored in another fridge which clearly wasn't food - again, 'proving' incapability. I am a little perturbed that he is really pushing this agenda. He said she is a menace. Doesn't want her in the kitchen when he cooks. Unfortunately I had observed him drinking there (couple of pints in 1hour/hour & a half) so wondering if this is part of him not wanting her in there....
God I am tired. When I took Mum shopping this week, she then insisted on going out again without lunch, saying she would get a bus back. I felt I shouldn't leave her, but, couldn't force her to accept my company as I feel she has the capacity to decide this. Unfortunately, she walked home soaked in rain, saying there were no buses....! : (
Feel really bad that I didn't insist on being with her. I know she feels constantly that she needs to get out of her own home. Feels like she is being chased out by brother arguing with her. OR vice versa? Tried ringing ASC for ages, couldn't get through. Tried doing on-line form for her assessment, and registered with local council, but, when I selected option of doing form without her permission, I can't action it as it needs her on board
The horrible thought I have is that brother is trying to force the issue of her being put into a home before she has lost full capacity, simply because of his own issues and being in denial of his dependency, when he knows she confronts him if she thinks he is drinking too much. I feel really awful thinking this. That he would even do that. But mum has said to me in tears that she feels he is manipulative. Shouting at her so she stresses out and can't remember things even more. Sorry for venting these terrible thoughts, I could be doing him a real dis-service here, he could genuinely be struggling with her memory and mood issues and it is getting on his last nerve, judging by what I have read on here.
I am going to try ASC again.....
oh, @Fluff bucket this shouldnt be all on your shoulders. how safe is he in the kitchen. he might have 1 1/2 pts there but how much has he had before that? your mum should continue with whatever she is able to do with conflict from your brother and the pressure she seems to be under wont make her memory or condition any better. what worries me is you and you doing all the mediation and taking your mum out and giving her a b reak but whose giving you a break? it cant continue with your brother how he is and where hes drinking, he wont have the insight or the caution to be able to judge risk and how to reduce it. ive no answers to solve it but have read all of your threads and it isnt fair on you, mum or dad. the only one getting anything out of the situation is your brother. you need to keep phoning and at some point they have to listen i hope
Oh @fluffbucket, things are so tough for all four of you. I think if you could find your mum a bit of respite it would be good for all of you. It doesn't have to be permanent, but a couple of weeks out will help the rest of you re-group.
I understand where your brother is coming from. You can give all your attention to your mum, so she probably seems more capable than she maybe is. When he is so focused on trying to look after your dad, all your mum's attempts to help must seem an annoyance. I'm sure he doesn't mean to shout at you, but when you are all so stressed it is inevitable that tempers get frayed.
As @jennifer1967 says, get on the phone and start to get things sorted out.
I understand where your brother is coming from. You can give all your attention to your mum, so she probably seems more capable than she maybe is. When he is so focused on trying to look after your dad, all your mum's attempts to help must seem an annoyance. I'm sure he doesn't mean to shout at you, but when you are all so stressed it is inevitable that tempers get frayed.
As @jennifer1967 says, get on the phone and start to get things sorted out.
Oh goodness @Fluff bucket I’m wondering if both parents could have a break in the same care home/nursing home to let things settle down and everyone take a breath. Would that be a possibility? You all need some space and time.
@Fluff bucket Would you dad agree to a couple of weeks “holiday “ in a care home? Might be worth trying if their finances allow?
@jennifer1967
Sadly, it is what it is. He seems to be reasonably safe in kitchen despite his intake, whatever that is... no accidents (no gas).
This is the problem. Brother isn't letting Mum do anything or, he complains/argues she has done it wrong/incomplete, and she says when he shouts at her (partly her deafness and won't wear hearing aids, partly his frustration - I think) she just 'goes blank' and cannot think straight or remember. Completely not how I keep explaining how to support her.
Exhausting, taking her out of the way (or worse, she walks out without lunch, now refusing anything he cooks for her).
With everything going on, missed return call from ASC. They then phoned my Dad direct as he is on their books for adaptations he has had via the local council. And of course he said he is being well looked after! I only found this when returning Mum and he mentioned it... the thing is, my brother is looking after him, giving him lovely food, etc...
@Sarasa
It is stress city here....
Mum doesn't want to leave Dad alone - Dad refuses to leave his home, even for respite although he does have day sessions at LOROS now.
It isn't as black and white as that, I tried to help sort returned stuff from specialist cleaners (after fire, insurers, builders etc). Brother insisted he then had to check everything me and Mum sorted for donation. Like he is saying neither of us is capable when the vast majority is her own clothing, some bedding, and a few items of Dads and brothers. Almost like he feels he has to be in charge of everything down to where he says she should even shop for groceries. I have said it should remain the same local (smaller and less likely to lose her) shop, same time, same day. Due to what is said about her illness.
He doesn't argue with me though. He then takes it out on Mum and talks to her with a tone sounding like barely suppressed rage, and if she buys something not on the list, its like a criminal offence because she already has that item in the fridge... that is what gets me the most. Butter wouldn't melt when he talks to Dad. Anger simmering under the surface when he talks to Mum, and it is usually out of Dad's earshot...
Need to try and phone again but 2 appointments today one for each parent, and very bad nights sleep.... : (
@lemonbalm
I will try and suggest this, with little hope they will agree, Dad wouldn't move out of his home despite the fire commander and insurance surveyor telling him it was unsafe to live there whilst building work was carried out. And then of course Mum won't leave him alone....
@92208
Nope, see above.... but I will ask again. The problem is Dad is a real 'home bird' and creature of habit. Any change he can't cope with it. He never liked holidays, or, going abroad, and always says he only likes sleeping in his own bed. Mum, I think, would be able to enjoy a holiday, but again she is reluctant to leave him, although brother would be there...
i understand the situation but hes only got to put a teatowel on the cooker and leave it there or spill a bit of boiling water and your mum could slip. that was my one of my concerns having lived with an alcoholic before my husband. they dont see the danger so the risk is higher. you probably need to phone ACS again and reiterate the problems. they sometimes need to hear it more than once. its asking a lot of you to be dealing with all this.
I do wonder if you being there changes the dynamic between you, your brother and your mum. When you're not there to help her focus, your mum probably feels a bit lost and latches on trying to 'help' your brother look after your dad. Your brother probably finds it really annoying, add in his own problems and your dad's poor health and the whole thing sounds as though it will explode sooner rather than later.
I do hope you can get some extra help in, or persuade them to have a bit of respite so you can re-group.
I do hope you can get some extra help in, or persuade them to have a bit of respite so you can re-group.
Your brother seems very controlling - or wants to be! He's got everything under control with your dad but your mum's dementia has thwarted him, as it does with many of us! Her unpredictable behaviour, constant following, not doing what she's told or forgetting what he's already told her is driving him bonkers and he just can't cope with it. (It may even be part of the reason he's drinking more.) I think most of what he tells you, e.g. the scissors and the non-food items in the fridge, is probably true - it sounds like typical dementia behaviour. It may seem fairly trivial to you but he's there with her a lot of the time so for him, it could have been the final straw. Then he cracks and shouts at your mum.
Meanwhile... I suspect your mum's dementia is getting worse. Please don't let her go out to the shops by herself any more! Coming home soaking because 'there were no buses' is really not good. The day will come when she can't find her way home and that day could be today or tomorrow. I appreciate you're doing what you can to help her maintain some independence, but as your brother has discovered, it's really not as simple as 'letting her help'. As he says, she has to be constantly watched now. It's hard to be patient when someone turns even the simplest task into a huge, difficult one. Many carers in this position find it's just easier to do things themselves, so the person with dementia inevitably gets sidelined.
One thing - there is no chance your brother will succeed in convincing anyone your mum should go in a care home at this stage. Your mum still has too much capacity for social services to act against her will so that's just not going to happen.
I haven't offered any advice/solutions as I don't have any but clearly the current situation is not sustainable. What would happen if your dad's health declined further and he was moved to a hospice/hospital? Or has it been decided he will remain at home now?
Meanwhile... I suspect your mum's dementia is getting worse. Please don't let her go out to the shops by herself any more! Coming home soaking because 'there were no buses' is really not good. The day will come when she can't find her way home and that day could be today or tomorrow. I appreciate you're doing what you can to help her maintain some independence, but as your brother has discovered, it's really not as simple as 'letting her help'. As he says, she has to be constantly watched now. It's hard to be patient when someone turns even the simplest task into a huge, difficult one. Many carers in this position find it's just easier to do things themselves, so the person with dementia inevitably gets sidelined.
One thing - there is no chance your brother will succeed in convincing anyone your mum should go in a care home at this stage. Your mum still has too much capacity for social services to act against her will so that's just not going to happen.
I haven't offered any advice/solutions as I don't have any but clearly the current situation is not sustainable. What would happen if your dad's health declined further and he was moved to a hospice/hospital? Or has it been decided he will remain at home now?
