Carer coming in today

[Kevinl]

I wonder if a man wouldn't derive more benefit from a male carer, I don't mean this in a sexist way but isn't it different for a man to have a "matey" relationship with a woman than a man. Men talk to other men randomly probably as much as women do; stood in the shop/pub waiting to be served, waiting for a bus, in a social situation basically anywhere where you get thrown together (possibly this is a northern thing).
Would I get my wife a male carer? No reason why not, but I feel she'd probably bond better or be more at easy with a woman.
As I say I don't want to sound sexist, I'm sure professional carers are very good and appreciate that it's mainly women doing the job, I just think that if I hired a carer for my wife I'd get a woman and that if I ever needed a carer I might prefer it to be a man rather than a woman half my age. How many of you ladies would want a strange man half your age showering you? (there are one or two names on here spring to mind but I won't say who they are)
K

 

[Scarlett123]

Glad it went reasonably well - and it can only get better! Yes, it's a huge thing, especially for a man, to have his private home invaded by strangers. And when I first had carers in to bath John, I felt so inadequate that I was having to get this help.

But when John sat on the bath seat, prior to me operating the lift, to lower him, he would kick me so much, and protest "I don't wanna barf!" at the top of his voice. He had a male carer for a while, and that was OK-ish, but when he had an angel, called Lindsey, he adored her.

Kicking? Forgotten. Protesting? The exact opposite. And guilt? That is the worst word you can use!!

 

[Jinx]

I wonder if a man wouldn't derive more benefit from a male carer, I don't mean this in a sexist way but isn't it different for a man to have a "matey" relationship with a woman than a man. Men talk to other men randomly probably as much as women do; stood in the shop/pub waiting to be served, waiting for a bus, in a social situation basically anywhere where you get thrown together (possibly this is a northern thing).
Would I get my wife a male carer? No reason why not, but I feel she'd probably bond better or be more at easy with a woman.
As I say I don't want to sound sexist, I'm sure professional carers are very good and appreciate that it's mainly women doing the job, I just think that if I hired a carer for my wife I'd get a woman and that if I ever needed a carer I might prefer it to be a man rather than a woman half my age. How many of you ladies would want a strange man half your age showering you? (there are one or two names on here spring to mind but I won't say who they are)
K

When asked by the agency rep that provides his carers would he prefer a male carer or a female one, my husband quite categorically asked for female! Actually he has a male carer two evenings and his Shared Lives carers are both male as there is a policy that only men can look after men. But I think he actually prefers having female carers, he always did like the ladies!! xxx


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[esmeralda]

Glad it went reasonably well - and it can only get better! Yes, it's a huge thing, especially for a man, to have his private home invaded by strangers. And when I first had carers in to bath John, I felt so inadequate that I was having to get this help.

But when John sat on the bath seat, prior to me operating the lift, to lower him, he would kick me so much, and protest "I don't wanna barf!" at the top of his voice. He had a male carer for a while, and that was OK-ish, but when he had an angel, called Lindsey, he adored her.

Kicking? Forgotten. Protesting? The exact opposite. And guilt? That is the worst word you can use!!

So sad that your lovely John was affected this way Scarlett, I don't know how I would cope if Nick was violent but I know so many do. It actually sounds like 2 year old tantrum behaviour, but totally different in an adult man of course. Glad you found him an angel eventually.

I know what you mean Kevin. I don't think Nick minds at all but I'm sure some men would prefer a person of their own gender. I certainly wouldn't want a male carer myself.

 

[esmeralda]

Thanks Jinx.

 

[Scarlett123]

So sad that your lovely John was affected this way Scarlett, I don't know how I would cope if Nick was violent but I know so many do. It actually sounds like 2 year old tantrum behaviour, but totally different in an adult man of course. Glad you found him an angel eventually.

I know what you mean Kevin. I don't think Nick minds at all but I'm sure some men would prefer a person of their own gender. I certainly wouldn't want a male carer myself.

John, in his last year or 2, was very much like a 2 year old. He'd have tantrums, he'd lash out, he'd wet himself, or worse, he took no notice of instructions, even when I stressed that he could hurt himself, and would suck his thumb. And he'd stare at me, head on one side, puzzled, as if he didn't understand what I was saying, or what was expected of him.

Now, 2 year olds may do all of the above, but not only are they cute, but you know that as each month goes by, things get easier. Alas, in Alzheimer's World, things can only get worse. xxx

 

[esmeralda]

Heartbreakingly, desperately sad Scarlett. I hope you are gradually finding some peace of mind although it's still very early day in coming to terms with losing John. Much love to you and thanks for the generous way you use your own experiences to help all of us.
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[Scarlett123]

Heartbreakingly, desperately sad Scarlett. I hope you are gradually finding some peace of mind although it's still very early day in coming to terms with losing John. Much love to you and thanks for the generous way you use your own experiences to help all of us.
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That's so kind of you, but it's the only way I can cope. Though I volunteer for the Citizen's Advice Bureau, I get far more out of it, than I give. Because whenever I've helped someone complete a form, they are so grateful and praise me so much.

I feel if I help, then I'm doing something with my life, because it feels so empty now. Mustn't be sad, my taxi's coming soon, and I'm off to the station, then King's Cross and then onto Yorkshire. Staying with some old friends for a few days. xxx

 

[truth24]

Enjoy, Scarlett.

 

[Grey Lad]

Hi Es so glad things went reasonably well yesterday. Hope you have a good day today and are arranging more 'me time' soon. Have you been to the concert yet? Sorry I have asked before and may have missed your reply. Good I know where to find you now. Have to try to rebuild things with my Es soon as possible as I think she is having a hard time at the moment. G L

 

[Cat27]

That's so kind of you, but it's the only way I can cope. Though I volunteer for the Citizen's Advice Bureau, I get far more out of it, than I give. Because whenever I've helped someone complete a form, they are so grateful and praise me so much.

I feel if I help, then I'm doing something with my life, because it feels so empty now. Mustn't be sad, my taxi's coming soon, and I'm off to the station, then King's Cross and then onto Yorkshire. Staying with some old friends for a few days. xxx

Safe journey & have a lovely time xx

 

[Chuggalug]

John, in his last year or 2, was very much like a 2 year old. He'd have tantrums, he'd lash out, he'd wet himself, or worse, he took no notice of instructions, even when I stressed that he could hurt himself, and would suck his thumb. And he'd stare at me, head on one side, puzzled, as if he didn't understand what I was saying, or what was expected of him.

Now, 2 year olds may do all of the above, but not only are they cute, but you know that as each month goes by, things get easier. Alas, in Alzheimer's World, things can only get worse. xxx

Really felt for you after reading this, Scarlett. These are the memories we don't want to keep.

I do hope you enjoy your trip and visit. Safe travels, xxxxxxx

 

[Izzy]

I hope your day ones well Es and that your break in Yorkshire is enjoyable Scarlett.

It's interesting to read about male/female carers and people's views. Bill will have a male carer starting in October. I'm sure he'll be fine. It's me that will find it odd having another man about the house!

 

[esmeralda]

Yes, hope you have a good time with Scarlett. Friends are such a blessing.

Concert is the 29th October GL, so a while away yet. Very nice to have something to look forward to though.

2nd potential carer is coming today, just to meet up and see if we will suit each other. I've been very encouraged that there are such nice people out there. This one is very experienced so I'm looking forward to talking to her. We've been left pretty much on our own since Nick's diagnosis and while the OT/ Physios have been very good I've been pretty much bumbling along as far as day to day caring goes. Hopefully she will have good advice and insights.

Hope you're all getting the lovely sunshine we've got here.
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[bemused1]

Es how did you find your carers? Are they doing personal care as well as companionship?
This whole thing of finding personal carers seems to be a closed book in this area and the idea of just advertising really worries me in case I make the wrong choice

 

[stanleypj]

Es how did you find your carers? Are they doing personal care as well as companionship?
This whole thing of finding personal carers seems to be a closed book in this area and the idea of just advertising really worries me in case I make the wrong choice

I really feel for you Bemused as I can imagine how daunting this could be. I suppose there are a few things you might do to try to ensure you don't make the wrong choice or, that if you do, it's not disastrous. Is there someone you trust who could help you interview potential carers? You could do a DBS (used to be CRB) check that they have a 'clean' record. You could have an agreed probationary period.

Until recently I had a private carer for Sue. Admittedly, she was 'brokered' for me but after that there was no LA involvement. She was self-employed, I paid her weekly and it was up to her to sort out her own tax etc (I think it quite likely that she was below the tax threshold anyway).

 

[bemused1]

When I settled on the agency I use now (they were OK but have lost the plot lately) I used a private consultant who set up the meetings, talked to the people concerned and sat in on any meetings . At a cost of course but having worked in care for years she was really good.
I was hoping to use her again but she has joined Health watch now because there was little business for her. Age UK local had no idea about how to find a private carer apart from advertising. I guess my last resort will be to contact adult social care, but they treat self funders as a drain on their resources here so I don't hold out much hope.
I think I am going to have to go the agency route again because at least I am older and wiser now. Also fought a lot of battles with this one which have taught me a lot.
How I fear for people who don't have their own resources or anyone to represent their interests.
Sorry Es I hijacked your thread

 

[esmeralda]

Not at all hijacked bemused, totally relevant and I wouldn't mind a bit if it wasn't.

We have something called 'Streetlife' which is a local online forum. I don't think it's peculiar to this area. I got four replies and have interviewed two people. The one I saw today is brilliant. Very very experienced and knowledgeable. She supplied references from people she has worked with (or their families) and brought her CRB certificate. Lovely with Nick who seemed to like her. The other one is nice too, not so experienced but as he isn't difficult she will be fine for now. She has also provided references.

If you want to try this you could advertise in the local paper or even a card in a shop window. I know this sounds risky but you may get someone who is or has been in care work or nursing.

Do hope you can find something more suitable than you have now.
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[bemused1]

Looked at streetlights Es,in our area there is nothing at all on it, not one single thing about anything! On gumtree there are people advertising for carers but they've all been there for months. Not much hope from either of those it seems.
I think we are still living in the dark ages here!

 

[esmeralda]

I' sorry bemused, I thought that might be a problem for you. There are a lot of retired people where we live, so that's probably why it's easier.
Do hope you find a way to make your situation better.
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