Carer coming in today

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by esmeralda, Sep 8, 2015.

  1. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    A day of new things for me, as I haven't started a thread before.

    I'm feeling very pset and tearful and I think it's because we have got a carer coming in to get Nick up and do all the things I usually do. Part of me feels this is a bit premature because I can still manage, and to be honest I can be pretty sure he will just sleep all day but it's so I can go out and know there is someone coming to make sure he is okay. He isn't particularly keen on the idea but is so good tempered I know he will go along with it. I know I am very very fortunate that this is the case.

    It's kind of hard to explain my feelings and I know people are struggling with much greater transitions.

    I feel perhaps it is better to get something established now while he still has quite good understanding (although patchy) rather than wait until he would find it more confusing.
  2. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    I hope it goes well, I know how you feel but you are right to get it started now so you both get used to it before it becomes essential,
  3. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Hi Es I hope it goes well and great that you have started your won thread. I was very pleased to hear that your birthday went well. G L
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello esmeralda

    I resisted getting help in for my husband until it was suggested he should be given the opportunity to get used to a presence other than mine, just in case I became ill.

    I intended to stay in on the first day but the carer was so great she encouraged me to go out and have a break. I will never forget the first day. I walked by the sea and sat with a coffee looking out at the horizon. It was beautiful.

    When I arrived home my husband was happy and contented. The carer had done some light housework, which was why we told my husband she was coming. He moved a rug for her so she could vac underneath it. :)

    I hope your first carer day goes well. Try not to be too upset.
  5. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    We I remember so well the emotional upset it caused me the first time. It still makes me unhappy and I don't think I will ever be happy with carers coming in. You are right to introduce now , I started with 3 mornings a week because there was a real possibility that husband would throw them out. He has been quite accepting but I find I have to constantly stop the carers trying to walk all over me and treat me like I have no idea how to look after him. Difficult to take when you do the other 22 hours care.
    So know exactly how you feel and I hope you have a good carer. Is it private or agency carer?
  6. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Now 'ang on a minute, Es. How many times have you supported me; encouraged me, and all the rest you've done for me on here at my most horrible times? Don't you think it's about time something now happened for you?

    Come on love. Of course you can manage. We can all manage until we need a bit of support, and we do, Es. We all do. Take what belongs to you for a change, okay? xxxxxxxxxx
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    It doesn't matter what others are struggling with. This is your struggle & is important to you.
    I hope all goes well xx
  8. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I think most people would feel like this Esmeralda. It is a significant transition but, as others have suggested, it can be the start of something good. So much depends on getting good carers and I do hope you are lucky there. It will then quickly become the norm and you will be able to relax and have proper 'me time'.
  9. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    Thank you so much all you lovely people and real friends, I feel swamped in kindness (in a very good way).

    It's a private carer bemused, I was prompted to go this route by some of your experiences and the suggestion by someone on your thread (sadly can't remember who). If we need much more regular care then it will probably be an agency but at the moment I feel much more in control and we will have consistency. I am so sorry you are having such a negative experience it sounds awful to be treated like that.
  10. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Atta goil, Es! So, (natter, natter ;) ) when's the first visit?
  11. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    I think that's, a really good place to start es. You need to feel ok about what you are doing for it to be successful. That is something our agency just does not acknowledge, so they treat husbands and wives like idiots. Or try to!
    Two of the carers are training as supervisors this week and I am hoping things will improve If not I will be moving his care and coping with the consequences of that and Jess as well!
    I am hoping it works well for you and eventually it gives you a bit more life. Look forward to hearing its going well.
  12. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    Methinks there's guilt managing to ooze its way in! No, no no! You're doing the right thing. xxx
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm. Bit late here, sorry! I hope went well. I think it's very sensible to get used to the situation at this stage. Well done!
  14. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    great idea to get this established now, while you don't 'need' it.That gives you all chance to get used to things and also iron out any snags that occur. I do hope that you managed to relax and banish the Guilt Monster!
  15. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Hope it is all going well, Es. Hopefully Nick will come to enjoy the carer's company.xx
  16. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    Es, I ve only just seen this, so sorry I have not replied sooner and even more sorry you are feeling down. John has got a carer for 3 hours a week and I did find it difficult to start with but you can ease yourself in and let them do as little or as much as you feel like. My John was not too keen but they now have become friends and get on very well. It's also nice for John to have someone else to chat with . Lots of love and hugs to you xxxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  17. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    Well, it went pretty well. She was half an hour late because her car battery died, but very apologetic.
    Nick seemed totally unfazed, which is typical as he's always so laid back, so the next thing will be for her to be here while I'm out but I feel more relaxed about it now.

    Love the way you're the Guilt Hound on here Scarlett, gently but firmly keeping us focussed on what is actual and what we're telling ourselves. It wasn't/ isn't just guilt although that's in there, it's just weird to be having someone in your house doing the things you've always done. I guess most of us are quite private about our environment and have to accept all sorts of things we wouldn't have wished for.

    Nick resents every aid and adaptation. Eighteen months ago he was beginning to struggle getting around the house and he was very resistant to the OT's suggestion that he use his stick to help. She was very good and pushed him as to 'why' and I remember him saying 'because I shouldn't need to use a stick in my own house!'. Poor love has to use a wheelchair everywhere now and a contraption often to transfer. It's when I look back to how things have changed I get low. If I focus on the present I can stay pretty cheerful. As I say to him when he doesn't want to use some helpful thing 'Life just has to be possible', and that's what I need to remember.

    Hope you eventually find something that suits you better bemused, do you belong to a carer's group? Maybe there are people who could recommend a better agency. I'm sure it would be disruptive to change but it sounds like the whole ethos of the organisation you are using is less than appropriate. Nick's mum had carers three times a day and although it wasn't ideal most of them seemed very nice.

    Thanks again to everyone for your kindness. I really can't imagine how I would have managed without TP, both for insights and advice as well as kindness and friendship.
  18. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    Es the things you talk about with Nick and his hatred of everything adaptive/helpful reminds me so much of what we went through 4years ago, but the ots/physios always came in pairs! Not sure why because he was never violent, but his army background had left him with a look and tongue that cut them down to size! All gone now and he is amenable to almost anything but I know just what you mean.
    No don't belong to any carers groups there are none local.The most sparsely populated county in England has a lot of catching up to do.
  19. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    Guess that doesn't give you much choice:(
    Love to you and Jess and your OH.
  20. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    Es, glad your carer time went reasonably well. I hope you get consistency and they do send the same carers. That's my only gripe with the agency I use that we might have a different carer every time. Having said that they are all, on the whole, very nice and as my husband, like yours, is usually very laid back it's not been a problem. Make the most of your 'me' time. xxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

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