Hi Stephanie,
Been wondering how you got on today. A few random responses
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Does the SW recommend you avoid these homes because the care is inadequate or does she only recommend places she's heard good reports of I wonder. Sadly, I can't imagine many of us, by the time we need permanent care, being particularly happy or complaint free anywhere.
Hope things are looking up,
Toni x
Hi Toni,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and for your concern. I had a very rough day today, ended the evening in floods of tears and distressing my family so much. It was very confronting, and when I sat down to dinner with my husband and daughter I felt such overwhelming guilt thinking of how Dad would be without any of us in the evenings, with strangers, and my heart ripped in two. I know I'm sounding so dramatic and over the top but I can't banish these thoughts and images from my mind, and they're worse in the evenings when I think how he would sit with Mum at the dinner table and she would encourage him to eat. And at bedtime he would go off with Mum, she would settle him in their bed, then he would ask where she was sleeping, and be so content when she answered, right beside him.
My sister and I saw 2 places today, the first was looking the worse for wear and had such a smell, like faeces covered with a cloying air freshener, feel like I can't banish the memory of the smell from my nostrils. And the residents of the High Care section were sitting in the dining/activities room watching sport on TV. Some along the back were in beds, so sadly frail looking, some in wheelchairs, and a couple on chairs. None of them seemed to be watching the game and I asked if a member of staff stayed in there to watch them but the manager said the staff look in on them regularly as they tend to some other residents in bedrooms. My sister and I spent some time talking to the manager and he seemed caring and honest but I just didn't see the staff engaged with any of the residents, they seemed to be bustling to and fro. We walked away with my sister saying she thinks she needs counselling and I said I cannot contemplate leaving Dad in that place or any other like it. Another thing the manager mentioned was that they have a couple of residents who get up from their chairs but are falls risks, as Dad would be, and they use a soft restraint, with family permission, and staff take them out and have a walk with them every two hours. Not happy with that plan at all. I think if Dad tried to stand and was unable to do so he would have a very loud and angry opinion.
The second was the Russian one, a couple of minutes away from Mum, not that she could get there on her own anyway. It was so different, clean and fresh, no smell except lovely food, we were amazed that it didn't seem to have a problem with odour, the earlier place felt like it had permeated the walls permanently. It had a much better atmosphere, bright, larger rooms, although residents were again watching some TV (???), except it was Russian, not that Dad would be able to engage even if it was in English. There are 35 people on the waiting list so I don't know whether it would be viable, but adding his name wouldn't hurt.
Tomorrow we have 2 more, one is a state-of-the-art, place, only about 3 years old and seems to be well set up for dementia with sensor mats and so on. One concern we have is that he can try to get out of bed at night if he thinks he needs the toilet and, even with limited mobility, could again fall. Obviously staff can't watch every bed so the sensor mats would provide some peace of mind that someone would know if he tried to get up. I'm quite aware that shiny, sleek, new, and all the bells and whistles don't necessarily make for a caring and loving environment, so we shall see. The woman from there said they actually have a space available next week but it occurs to me it's odd they don't have anybody else on a waiting list. The other place we are seeing is only minutes away from this one and I only know it's run by the agency who did Dad's home care package and they were amazing, kind, organised, sensitive, went out of their way to help Mum beyond their expected duties. If their care home is run in the same way we would be quite relieved.
I spoke to a Dementia Advisory Service lady today who knows us well and she said it sounds like we should just try respite somewhere first and see how we all handle that, and maybe give us more time to find the right place. She also reminded me that nothing is set in stone, if we aren't happy or Dad isn't settling and we find it's not working there's nothing stopping us from taking him out and home again. I'm feeling the weight of worrying about Mum and knowing her health may not hold up, she seems to be the least affected by all this but she has never been prone to showing her fears or worries, not unemotional, she's extremely loving and generous, hugs and kisses, but just not a cryer. She says she is ok but who really knows, I'm sure she is also feeling the grief and loss of the husband who was once by her side, even in business.
Once again I have rambled on like a crazy person and it's no more than thousands of others have had to confront, but our dad has been the most wonderful and loving man and it feels like we have decided to remove him from our family. I know that we can remain as involved as we've always been but it simply is not the same. Let us see what tomorrow brings.
Stephanie, xxx