Can't take much more, Dad nor me

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi Dee, you're so sweet, and a little funny too, I love the flowers, how did you know my favourite?

Dad is going to the CH in the morning and I still feel very saddened when I realise he's never going back home. I see him snoozing in the chair for much of the day and wonder why he can't come home, but he can't walk at all now, is incontinent, and Mum could never get enough help now. He can't go out with me in the car or attend day centre so I know the logic of him going into care, but it's still upsetting.

I know he calls out for Mum through the night, a terrible feeling. I just hope he improves when he leaves hospital and the CH looks after him well.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[flowerpot]

Thinking of you Stephanie and hope all goes well tomorrow for your Dad and you and your family too. xx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Flowerpot, thank you for your kind wishes, they mean so much.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[turbo]

Hello Stephanie, even when you know a care home is the only option it's still so hard to accept. I will be thinking of you and your family.

turbo

 

[Mamsgirl]

Glad he's getting out of the hospital environment at last x

 

[60's child]

Thinking of you all tomorrow Stephanie. Glad you enjoyed the "flowers"

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Thanks everyone, it's 5.50am and I'm wide awake. I think it will be a long day. Patient transport booked for 7am, eek! But we were told to arrive at the hospital at 8 because transport can be up to 3 hours late. Ever efficient NSW Health.
Keep us in your dreams.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Big Effort]

Dear Stephanie,

You will all be held in my dreams tonight. This is active heartbreak - but you can do it because you know there is no other way. If there were an alternative, you'd be doing that. So may your heart be eased by knowing it is the only option. However I have found that the intellect and emotions can often be very far apart.

Hope all goes like clockwork, no hassle, no delays, no mix-ups, just plain sailing. And may your Dad find this gives him a second wind. Maybe he'll like it - praying for a special miracle.

Hugs BE

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hope all goes like clockwork, no hassle, no delays, no mix-ups, just plain sailing. And may your Dad find this gives him a second wind. Maybe he'll like it - praying for a special miracle.

Hugs BE

Recovering from a migrane so can't use the ipad for long, but what BE said! Hugs, Toni x

 

[Izzy]

I'm hoping things go well for you all as well. Take care. x

 

[turbo]

Hello Stephanie, I hope you and your family are ok and your dad's move to the CH went as well as it could.


turbo

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Thanks everyone for the uplifting support, it's so appreciated. The transfer was painless, Dad was quite sleepy and in bed, they just slid him across to the stretcher, hospital gown and linens and all. He did get grumpy about the slide but was pretty good.
The actual CH dementia unit is something of a nightmare. Dad is generally quiet, a bit sleepy, speaks very well, he just can't do anything or remember things. He's never been a wanderer or had behaviour issues other than irritability and being uncooperative sometimes. The other residents are so overwhelming, they just wander straight in the room, one dear goes with a walker at a million miles an hour until she hits a wall, then does a turn and keeps going, again, straight into Dad's room. Many others are moaning, chanting, shouting, everything. There is another man though who seems quite ok, walking, chatting and so on. I can't imagine how it must be for someone like that to be surrounded by such chaos. The staff seem very nice and Mum and I stayed until about 4.30, Dad was in bed asleep with his door closed.
I walked out in tears, Mum always seems fine, stoic, just a bit tired.
Dad has still not eaten anything and is fading away, in the 4 weeks of hospital it's astonishing how much he's deteriorated. He can't walk, can hardly bear any weight or stand up from a chair. I have to wonder how long he can go on in that state.
We just have no other options, if Dad is immobile, even with a care package at home for support it wouldn't be enough for him now.
I feel forlorn but need to be hopeful that he will settle in time, as long as the awful din doesn't affect him badly. I fear we shall also lose things with all that random wandering, and Dad is a sitting duck in his room. Thanks for being my lifeline, this is very hard.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Big Effort]

Oh Stephanie,

How hard it is indeed.
This is unbearable. It will be interesting to see how he copes with the intrustions. Chanting, calling, people sprinting on zimmer frames......
It reminds me that we are the next generation who will be facing into this.
I just can't think of an uplifting thing to say.
Perhaps, in the biggest possible picture, it is fitting that he is fading away. If he were fit, alert and mobile, how would he take this? Perhaps the Universe is showing some mercy, numbing him somewhat, reducing his world to a microcosm of his bed and bedroom? Please don't take offense at this comment. I do feel for you and him. The one positive is your Mum is being stoic. It would be worse if she were raving, refusing to cooperate, and emotionally unable to deal with this. One tiny blessing in the midst of such sadness.
Send you comfort from afar, Steph. A big hug. Be gentle with you today as this is very hard stuff to handle. xx BE

 

[turbo]

Hello Stephanie, it may be that the staff will be able to persuade your dad to eat. Are you visiting again tomorrow ?.
So much has happened to your dad in the last four weeks so no wonder it is hard for you to comprehend and cope with it all. I do think that noisy environments can be distressing especially if your dad likes peace and quiet.
Your mum must benefit from the wonderful support you are to both her and your dad.
Thinking of you all.


turbo

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Oh Stephanie,

How hard it is indeed.
This is unbearable. It will be interesting to see how he copes with the intrustions. Chanting, calling, people sprinting on zimmer frames......
It reminds me that we are the next generation who will be facing into this.
I just can't think of an uplifting thing to say.
Perhaps, in the biggest possible picture, it is fitting that he is fading away. If he were fit, alert and mobile, how would he take this? Perhaps the Universe is showing some mercy, numbing him somewhat, reducing his world to a microcosm of his bed and bedroom? Please don't take offense at this comment. I do feel for you and him. The one positive is your Mum is being stoic. It would be worse if she were raving, refusing to cooperate, and emotionally unable to deal with this. One tiny blessing in the midst of such sadness.
Send you comfort from afar, Steph. A big hug. Be gentle with you today as this is very hard stuff to handle. xx BE

Yes, BE, I'm often contemplating the thought of our future, thinking I too shall be there one day. It's why I've had serious talks with my husband, requesting I be euthanised if it's legal. It is a different prospect for our generation because we have learned so much by caring for our parents or partners, and we have had so much experience with dementia. But, where will they fit us all?
I'm not offended, I almost feel I'd rather he slipped away than continue this slow decline, being reduced to no quality of life, and separated from his family. Yes, Mum internalises everything, and ends up with Irritable Bowel, I just cry. It is good that she is practical, that's Mum, Dad and I are the emotional ones. Thanks for your comfort, I feel it all the way down here.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hello Stephanie, it may be that the staff will be able to persuade your dad to eat. Are you visiting again tomorrow ?.
So much has happened to your dad in the last four weeks so no wonder it is hard for you to comprehend and cope with it all. I do think that noisy environments can be distressing especially if your dad likes peace and quiet.
Your mum must benefit from the wonderful support you are to both her and your dad.
Thinking of you all.


turbo

You're quite right, it has been so much happening for Dad over the last 4 weeks. I'm taking Mum grocery shopping in the morning, then I will visit Dad again. Mum really appreciates the support and tells us often. I can't imagine doing all this in a family of turmoil, dementia is hard enough.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness.
Stephanie, xxx

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hi Stephanie,
Just wondering why your father's in the locked unit, is this the only part of the facility that deals with dementia? Surely not.
Your description reminds me of SF's first weeks in aged care. The range of behaviours and the noise were very confronting, particularly for Mum. SF had visits from wandering residents as well, but once he was a known commodity they simply lost interest and stopped dropping by to see what was happening in the new guy's room
As for the other behaviours, give your poor heart time to adjust. You've probably seen the other residents at their most extreme in response to something changing in their environment, certainly that's how it was in my SF's CH.
Be of good heart you wonderful daughter, and if you're unhappy there's always something can be done.
Hope you get some rest,
Toni x

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Thanks Toni, I did think maybe he would be able to go into the regular High Care nursing section but from the ACAT done in hospital the CH said he had to go in the dementia unit. He really didn't have those sorts of behaviours when he was at home, he was never abusive, it was hospital routines and fear that triggered that, and he had settled down so much.

I really feel he is choosing to give up, not because of where he is, just generally. That's when I think he may not last much longer and shouldn't he get to live those last days in his own home with his family? I wonder how people cope when they declare their loved one is never going into care? How do they keep them home when they need such constant care?

Thanks for your continued support, so glad your SF is feeling like he belongs.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[LYN T]

That's when I think he may not last much longer and shouldn't he get to live those last days in his own home with his family? I wonder how people cope when they declare their loved one is never going into care? How do they keep them home when they need such constant care?

Stephanie, xxx

Hi Stephanie

I've no idea how they are kept at home.

It's early days and your Dad needs a period of adjustment. Things will improve as he gets used to the carers (and they to him). You have to think of your Mum (I know both of your parents best interests are uppermost in your mind) she can't cope with your dad at home, but you can still carry on being the wonderful caring daughter that you have have been all along.

I'm so, so sorry you and your family are going through all of this.It's heartbreaking.

Nothing more to say I'm afraid, except that I and many others on here are thinking of you.

Love from Lyn X

 

[KentJude]

Stephanie, my thoughts are with you all at this heartbreaking stage. I feel for you all and am so angry at the hospital staff for allowing such deterioration resulting in his admission to the dementia unit, where he is enduring such chaos.

I am keeping everything crossed that he picks up quickly with attentive care inc good hydration and nutrition and peace, or as has been mentioned, a swift opposite effect.

No you couldn't possibly have brought him home with such a high level of care. The only way I managed it was because mum's not big and can weight bear. And I have carers to get her up. Also I don't have a family of my own who need me. I couldn't contemplate it in your circs.

If I was religious I would pray for you but instead am willing the situation to get better for your dear dad as soon as possible.

love Jude x