Back on the Air Again at Last

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Jude, Dec 14, 2005.

  1. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear All,

    Just a quick note to say hi to all friends and a warm welcome to TP for all the new members that I haven't met yet.

    I've been away for some time and I guess that some of you have been wondering where on earth I've been hiding myself.

    As older members will recall, both my parents have AD and I've spent the last 6 years flying back and forth from Bali where I run a small beach hotel to the UK to look after them for six monthly intervals and having carers in place for the other half of the year. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping my parents at home because I hated the thought of them being in a Nursing Home. Sadly, it worked out to be a case of being better to do one thing well than two things badly. The inevitable happened in that I wore myself in to a frazzle and the 'carers' ultimately took advantage of all of us.

    Last June I arrived in the UK for my six months to care for Mum and Dad. I arrived to find my parents in an appalling state and looking like a couple of victims from Belsen. The house was a total mess and the whole deal fell apart and me with it. I felt like a complete and utter failure.

    Thank God I had TP friends to back me up! I somehow kept it together and managed to get my parents into a twin room in a lovely local Nursing Home, although it almost broke my heart in the process. I would not have managed to do this without the support of many people on TP at that time and in particular, Sheila and her husband Andy who kept me sane. They gave me 2 months of their lives and their total unconditional love and support through every single minute of the process.

    My parents now think they are living in an hotel and are very happy. I no longer have to worry about them when I am away as I know that they are being cared for and the Nursing Home keep me well informed on a weekly basis. I no longer feel the immense burden of guilt under which I laboured for so long. I write to them every week and send them photos - which they carry around with them every day. My father is now relieved of the anxiety of looking after my mother, for which I am profoundly grateful.

    After the 2002 bombing in Bali and the more recent terrible bombings I have moved back to Australia. I'm currently in Far North Queensland. I'm running a backpackers's hostel called The Savoy in a small town called Tully. I am finally calm and focused. I have started to live again. Neither my parents nor I have beaten Altzheimers by any means, but we've dealt with the demons thus far from both ends.

    When I return to the UK this summer, things will be very different. I shall be able to devote all my time to taking my parents out on trips, to help them to try and recall those past precious moments of our lives and to give them all of my undivided love and attention. I hope it will register somewhere as a spark. If not, we will live for the moment and I will carry the memories for them.

    Jude xxx
     
  2. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Jude and Welcome Back! Thank you for telling your story - I had no idea what you were going through when I first joined TP. It sounds like you have been through the mill but now you have found that mid-way point in this AD-journey-for-carers. It's where I myself am also pausing for breath at the moment. Long may it last.

    Very best wishes,
     
  3. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Hi Jude, and indeed welcome back.

    I admit too that I wasnt aware of the whole 'story' with you being away and back again to try and do it all for your parents. Wow what a challange that was keeping in touch with everything from 10000 miles away.

    I do however feel a bit embarrased and feel I should apologise because I got it into my mind that you were away in Bali and Australia as some sort of 'holiday'

    sorry
    no idea of all that you were doing

    Queensland a great place, I really must return soon.
    Sis and family were over for Nov, great to see them after so long away
    they're in Cairns as Im sure I mentioned.

    Hope all wonderful with you. Enjoy the sunshine and the rains (when they come)

    TED xx
     
  4. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Hi Ted and Hazel,

    Thanks for replying so soon. It's wonderful to talk to you both again after so long. It's now 11.40pm so will have to get off to bed shortly.

    The last months when I was in England were so diabolical that I just couldn't bring myself to post on TP what was going on. It was so hard to deal with. I basically lost the plot when I got home and saw how my parents were being treated. I was so angry and the anger made me ill. I placed my trust in carers who neglected and abused my parents and I was so shocked that I could hardly function. The situation forced me to do the unthinkable for me, which was to put them in a Nursing Home in a place of safety. It was never going to be a long term solution as I thought. However, my parents were so relieved to be safe and I didn't feel like moving them again because they were happy - and together in a twin room in a lovely caring environment.

    I also felt like a complete fraud. Here was I, a Moderator on TP, and I had failed utterly to protect my own parents. I felt totally invalidated and unable to begin to presume to answer any questions from anyone on TP. For the first time in my life I felt totally out of control of everything and my stress and guilt levels were sky high.

    It's only with hindsight that I've realised that I did by rote what had to be done at that time and I only got through it with the tremendous support of other TP members.

    There is a salutory lesson to be learned here. For anyone engaging private carers - have them checked and double checked with SS and police reports and any other body you can think of. The carers I engaged came from a private nursing home on recommendation and my own observations of them for a year beforehand. It wasn't enough! I thought I had covered every possible avenue.
    This is not to say that there aren't any wonderful carers out there, because they do exist. We were just very unlucky.

    My parents are fine and having a wonderful life in their new Nursing Home. They are being cared for every minute of the day by professionals. I am profoundly grateful to the Nursing Home for providing the high level of care and support that my parents are now receiving. Mum and Dad are happy and that's all that I could wish for.

    Jude
     
  5. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    I had missed you, but hadn't liked to ask. You have really helped me in the past, and am so pleased that you are OK and that your parents are doing well.
     
  6. storm

    storm Registered User

    Aug 10, 2004
    269
    notts
    Hi,Jude,Sooo good to see your post i have not been online for awhile and low and behold your name jumped out at me.So glad things have worked out in the end dont beat yourself up we all know how hard you have worked with your parents and i am sure you have done the right thing at least you know they are safe and together. You take care of yourself you are a great lady just be careful with the electrics. STORM
     
  7. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi storm, di you really have to mention 'electrics'. I am hoping things have quietened down these days for Jude. Isn't it simply great to have her back on board? Regards to you too, Connie
     
  8. susie

    susie Registered User

    Nov 30, 2003
    82
    shropshire
    Great to hear you are back Jude as we were all wondering where you were. I don't know how you managed to keep it all together for your parents and commute worlwide as I have problems keeping it together with just my husband, settled in the one place. Welcome back. When such times come that I am on my own, I shall be taking a Granny gap year so please reserve me a bed in Tully!
    Susie
     
  9. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Jude
    nice to hear from you ,I have missed you.
    Hope things will settle down now and hope I will see you in the near future
    Love
    Norman :D
     
  10. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Jude it's great to have you and your nylon knickers back. We really missed you.
    So glad to hear that you're safe and things are starting to work themselves out.
    You're a very special person, don't forget it!
     
  11. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Hi All,

    Thanks so very much for all your lovely messages. It feels so good to be online again and 'home'. I really have missed you all very much and I've been with you in spirit, if not on the screen.

    A mate of mine sent me a little book for my birthday, entitled 'Happiness in a Nutshell'. It full of funny anecdotes and good advice. This one made me laugh.

    'For the world to treat you well, you have to treat yourself well. How can you feel like a mover and a shaker if you have holes in your underwear?'

    So on my next trip to Cairns......

    Jude xxxx
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Jude, so very pleased you are back here on TP, we've really missed you. Lotsaluv, She. XX :)
     
  13. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Jude
    when you go to Cairns please don't buy nylon!!!!
    Norman
     
  14. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Oh no! not the nylon knickers again.........Connie :)
     

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