Awful, awful day

[Skylark/2]

I’ ve had enough, my rresilience has gone.
We were suppose to be Skyping our son this lunchtime but everything changed at about 12 noon. My husband became increasing aggressive culminating in accusing me of wanting to murder him! He had even written it down what I was planning and I’d asked our 2 sons to help me!He was accusing me of wanting to visit our son inthe States without him. Quite the opposite, I wouldn’t go and leave him to fend for himself! No amount of denying from me worked and his aggression increased so I walked out. I have a key to my sister in law’s house, went there and phoned the son we were going to Skype to put him off. He realised Iwas extremely upset, contacted his brother who lives a couple of hours drive away .He phoned me and said he was coming to collect me and take me to his home. I tried to dissuade him but he came and the upshot is I came back with him. Feeling extremely upset,tearful , guilty, asked son to turn back but he refused saying it’s impossible for me to continue my life this way etc., I was so worried about leaving my husband ( never, ever done anything like that in 53 years of marriage ) that I contacted the emergency mental health team, they said they couldn’t do anything and suggestion I phone social services tomorrow ( Sunday ) who might be able to make assessments with a view to respite care ( husband will not entertain that!) and bringing forward his change of meds. Plus letting his g.p know. I phoned my niece and asked her to go and see if husband was o.k as he wasn’t picking up the phone when I tried to phone and she reported back that he was o.k but confused. She wrote down where I was and I would be returning early tomorrow In the hope that he understood.
I am mentally exhausted at my lowest ebb, I hate being away from him but it’s increasingly hard to be with him, my mental health is suffering, I know that, so many emotions, I don’t know what to do for the best except let it all out here.

 

[jennifer1967]

I’ ve had enough, my rresilience has gone.
We were suppose to be Skyping our son this lunchtime but everything changed at about 12 noon. My husband became increasing aggressive culminating in accusing me of wanting to murder him! He had even written it down what I was planning and I’d asked our 2 sons to help me!He was accusing me of wanting to visit our son inthe States without him. Quite the opposite, I wouldn’t go and leave him to fend for himself! No amount of denying from me worked and his aggression increased so I walked out. I have a key to my sister in law’s house, went there and phoned the son we were going to Skype to put him off. He realised Iwas extremely upset, contacted his brother who lives a couple of hours drive away .He phoned me and said he was coming to collect me and take me to his home. I tried to dissuade him but he came and the upshot is I came back with him. Feeling extremely upset,tearful , guilty, asked son to turn back but he refused saying it’s impossible for me to continue my life this way etc., I was so worried about leaving my husband ( never, ever done anything like that in 53 years of marriage ) that I contacted the emergency mental health team, they said they couldn’t do anything and suggestion I phone social services tomorrow ( Sunday ) who might be able to make assessments with a view to respite care ( husband will not entertain that!) and bringing forward his change of meds. Plus letting his g.p know. I phoned my niece and asked her to go and see if husband was o.k as he wasn’t picking up the phone when I tried to phone and she reported back that he was o.k but confused. She wrote down where I was and I would be returning early tomorrow In the hope that he understood.
I am mentally exhausted at my lowest ebb, I hate being away from him but it’s increasingly hard to be with him, my mental health is suffering, I know that, so many emotions, I don’t know what to do for the best except let it all out here.

good for your son. you really needed the break and you are still caring through your niece. make sure ss no his a vulnerable adult and on his own. you cant keep going, its not good for either of you and you will get ill. see what tomorrow brings and i hope they hurry up with a meds review.

 

[2ndAlto]

Thank goodness your sons were aware of the extent of your distress and were able to rescue you. They are right, you cannot continue to live your life this way. I'm not in the UK but I can't understand the emergency mental health team refusing to help. You need to have a plan in place for what to do next time things get to this stage - either Social services, Emergency mental health or the Police.

 

[Neveradullday!]

I can't understand the emergency mental health team either. Obviously they were there - they answered the phone, for pity's sake. Surely they should be able to respond 24/7. Lack of funds? The government can find money when it wants to.

I hope you get the help you need, @Skylark/2

 

[Lawson58]

There always comes that time when enough is enough is enough. You have a good son who understood that you needed to be rescued. I hope that you can get something sorted soon.

Let your son help you and don’t put yourself at risk.

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you your replies everyone.
I may be about to fall at the first fence so any advice on the following please.
The mental health team said phone social services with a view to possible respite care, assessment etc., I have looked at our local Social Services website for a 24/7 number, pages and pages but no number leaps out. Where do I start? Thank you .
So anxious about today, desperate to return home but worried about how husband will receive me. Not slept and where my son lives ( Leeds) it’s snowing……..will I even get back!

 

[DollyM1]

Thank you your replies everyone.
I may be about to fall at the first fence so any advice on the following please.
The mental health team said phone social services with a view to possible respite care, assessment etc., I have looked at our local Social Services website for a 24/7 number, pages and pages but no number leaps out. Where do I start? Thank you .
So anxious about today, desperate to return home but worried about how husband will receive me. Not slept and where my son lives ( Leeds) it’s snowing……..will I even get back!

You may find a number on your local council website?

 

[SeaSwallow]

If you cannot track down the number for the emergency social services, call your local police, they should have the number.
Please do not go home without something in place to ensure that you are safe. Your son did the right thing.,

 

[maisiecat]

I can't understand the emergency mental health team either. Obviously they were there - they answered the phone, for pity's sake. Surely they should be able to respond 24/7. Lack of funds? The government can find money when it wants to.

I hope you get the help you need, @Skylark/2

When we needed help I was told the Crisis response team( mental heaith) didn't respond to crisis and I should phone the police

 

[Sarasa]

Well done for taking that brave decision @Skylark/2. Please don’t go home until some respite has been arranged for your husband. Things aren’t going to change, at least not until your husband has been properly assessed.
You could phone the Support Line when they open at 10.00 this morning. They'll point you in the right direction.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Neveradullday!]

When we needed help I was told the Crisis response team( mental heaith) didn't respond to crisis and I should phone the police

Perhaps they should change their name to Useless Response Team.
At least the police still police.

 

[canary]

Im sure that SS have an emergency line for this sort of thing.
I got so that I couldnt bear to be in the house too and SS were called out in an emergency. Its all a bit of a blur, though.
Id call the Alzheimers Society help line too

 

[Veritas]

Thank you your replies everyone.
I may be about to fall at the first fence so any advice on the following please.
The mental health team said phone social services with a view to possible respite care, assessment etc., I have looked at our local Social Services website for a 24/7 number, pages and pages but no number leaps out. Where do I start? Thank you .
So anxious about today, desperate to return home but worried about how husband will receive me. Not slept and where my son lives ( Leeds) it’s snowing……..will I even get back!

I’m so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Your son has done the right thing in getting you out of there, and you should not go back until you have professional support in place.

There must be an emergency number for social services. Try searching within the Council’s website for Safeguarding? If not the Police should be able to help. And do contact the helpline as others have suggested.

Just to add that the response from the mental health team is disgraceful. It’s not as if they are unaware that there have been issues. Also, the least they could do is give you the emergency number for social services. I’d ring them again and make it clear that they need to respond properly.

 

[sdmhred]

What council are you in @Skylark/2? There WILL be an emergency duty team who operate 24/7, ask your son to help you locate the number on the website. It will bet there.

im glad this has happened for your future well-being. Stay with your son and let them help you sort it out.

As others have said you can always phone the police and request an urgent welfare check. They will get onto social services.

Hang on in there. You’ve taken the first big step - well done.

 

[Banjomansmate]

You have the perfect reason to stay up in Leeds if the weather is bad so that you cannot get back home. So it appears not to be a matter of choice!

 

[Skylark/2]

Hi everyone,
Back home, initially so pleased as he was so welcoming.
This afternoon though he has talked of nothing but sex and is now, very calmly and reasonably, asking me why I am a prostitute, how many men, where and does it include our sons! And I really should stop, god I’m 77 ! What he is saying is unbelievable and I sit there, and am expected to take it. I am having to keep a record of my B.P, it is off the scale at the moment!
knowing that it is dementia does not make it any easier, infact I am so distressed. I no longer want to share the same house as this man. I will be sending an email to the memory clinic tomorrow saying I want the remarks entered on his records plus social services demanding a way forward and also going to the surgery. I need to go tothesurgery as the g.p wants to discuss my husband’s CT scan results. Sadly it is fine, nothing sinister discovered.

 

[Veritas]

Hi everyone,
Back home, initially so pleased as he was so welcoming.
This afternoon though he has talked of nothing but sex and is now, very calmly and reasonably, asking me why I am a prostitute, how many men, where and does it include our sons! And I really should stop, god I’m 77 ! What he is saying is unbelievable and I sit there, and am expected to take it. I am having to keep a record of my B.P, it is off the scale at the moment!
knowing that it is dementia does not make it any easier, infact I am so distressed. I no longer want to share the same house as this man. I will be sending an email to the memory clinic tomorrow saying I want the remarks entered on his records plus social services demanding a way forward and also going to the surgery. I need to go tothesurgery as the g.p wants to discuss my husband’s CT scan results. Sadly it is fine, nothing sinister discovered.

I can well believe how distressing this is - not just because of the total falsehood of his accusations, but that this disease has turned your husband’s thinking in this way.

I’d do more than email the CMHT - I would ring them up as well, and say that this situation is beyond intolerable. Something has to give, and it shouldn’t be you. When you see the GP you have an excellent opportunity to tell it exactly as it is - and you should.

 

[Hazara8]

It is sadly the case that those organisations purporting to readily respond to a genuine crisis do not. I truly believe that the reality of just what you are experiencing is interpreted in a different way . In short, unless you are actually experiencing the enormity of it all, you just do not empathise at all. The priority is certainly with your own welfare and health. Naturally you tend to neglect that because your whole focus is on the person whom you love and that remains an overriding fact. Yes, it is extremely difficult to come to terms with the aggression and paranoia and all the seemingly negative elements which confront and confound you in respect of dementia in a loved one. Yet that is precisely what one has to do ultimately else succumb to its oblivious nature which can be devastating. Emergency respite should be made available and it seems extraordinary if you are having to battle for proper and appropriate attention. Perhaps l was fortunate in attaining a speedy and positive response post quite traumatic events and paramedic unable to stabilise my late mothers desperate behaviour. We acquired Emergency respite which reduced potential danger in her erratic behaviour. It is good if family members are there to support you initially. Dementia is just a word quite familiar to uneducated ears and often depicted in a milder context. As you will know without reservation, the actuality is not only life changing, but also one of the most heart rending conditions known to man, because it challenges your will, your sense of worth, your deep psychological resources, your physical energy and your ability to sustain and maintain impartiality despite everything. That is more of a challenge than is often perceived even by professionals who have not direct relationship with the complex nature of this disease.

 

[Firecatcher]

Social services always have a 24 hour number so it would be worth finding the one for your area - Google out of hours social services/safeguarding for your area. Your husbands extreme behaviour justifies a 999 call the police at the time it’s happening. They would be able to contact the mental health teams or remove him to a place of safety. You need to be very clear that you feel at risk of harm when he’s aggressive. The police will have to make a safeguarding referral to social services if they’re called out and this has to be responded to. You can’t go on like this and in my opinion you shouldn’t have returned home so soon.
I wouldn’t have the resilience to tolerate what you’re dealing with and would have probably seriously harmed myself if I’d been in your place.

 

[2ndAlto]

Hi everyone,
Back home, initially so pleased as he was so welcoming.
This afternoon though he has talked of nothing but sex and is now, very calmly and reasonably, asking me why I am a prostitute, how many men, where and does it include our sons! And I really should stop, god I’m 77 ! What he is saying is unbelievable and I sit there, and am expected to take it. I am having to keep a record of my B.P, it is off the scale at the moment!
knowing that it is dementia does not make it any easier, infact I am so distressed. I no longer want to share the same house as this man. I will be sending an email to the memory clinic tomorrow saying I want the remarks entered on his records plus social services demanding a way forward and also going to the surgery. I need to go tothesurgery as the g.p wants to discuss my husband’s CT scan results. Sadly it is fine, nothing sinister discovered.

I am so angry and upset on your behalf, this is simply not acceptable from anyone, dementia or not. It is domestic violence and should not be tolerated by anyone. If it is his meds causing this behaviour then by all means get them adjusted but I'd be packing a bag if I were you and preparing an escape route.