At the end of my tether...

[Bunpoots]

Hi @canary.

I hope someone knows someone helpful about OHs catheterisation. My mum had a catheter after she was found to be retaining urine. It was assumed it would be permanent but her bladder eventually started working again. As she had fairly advanced dementia at the time she was always pulling the tube out which was why it was decided to see how she'd manage without. A nurse always refitted it though.

Obviously it's not quite the same for men. I hope he manages ok. What's nightmare for you both.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Bunpoots]

I've just got back from dad's Carehome. He was pleased to see me which was nice. Of course he fell to sleep again after 20 minutes.

I also had another meeting with his social worker. His case will still have to "go to panel" if it's thought that he can't return home. But, in view of his deterioration over the past week and his refusal to take most of his meds most of the time a doctor has been called to see if he qualifies for continuing health care. I know this means end of life is getting closer. A decision will also be made as to wether to withdraw all meds and just keep him comfortable.

Here we go again

 

[Lindy50]

I've just got back from dad's Carehome. He was pleased to see me which was nice. Of course he fell to sleep again after 20 minutes.

I also had another meeting with his social worker. His case will still have to "go to panel" if it's thought that he can't return home. But, in view of his deterioration over the past week and his refusal to take most of his meds most of the time a doctor has been called to see if he qualifies for continuing health care. I know this means end of life is getting closer. A decision will also be made as to wether to withdraw all meds and just keep him comfortable.

Here we go again

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is so unwell @Bunpoots
It seems like a bit of a never ending treadmill for you....
Good that your dad was pleased to see you though
Thinking of you.
Lindy xx

 

[Bunpoots]

He seems peaceful enough when I'm there @Lindy50 but apparently not so when I'm not. He's hit a carer - he thinks he can do all his own care - and he throws his drink on someone at least once a day
The carers are all taking it in their stride...they've moved dad into the quieter room (and even that is noisy) in the hope that all the residents will stay dry

One positive from the social worker is that she now agrees that this home isn't right for dad and she'll help me find one that has a quiet room. The one I chose does but it now seems dad might need a nursing home and my favourite is only a care home. They might take him if his nursing needs are small..

 

[canary]

it now seems dad might need a nursing home

I think this might be related to the CHC. If he qualifies (or at least gets the Funded Nursing Care part) it is only payable if he is in a nursing home - understandable as they dont want to pay for nursing that isnt there.

 

[Bunpoots]

After what I said about the home being wrong for dad it now seems that all they needed to do to make him happy was let him stay in his room!!

He fell out of bed last night and was found, unharmed, wrapped in his quilt - giggling!! When asked what he was doing down there he just laughed. That sounds so familiar!!! He took his pills this morning and ate breakfast.
No one was thumped and no one got wet .

Now, even though I don't like the home, I do like and trust the manager, and if dad's happy there... We shall see if it lasts.

That was the good news.. The bad news is - no fast tracking. So dad has to go to panel to decide if he can manage at home or in extra care housing. Neither option is remotely suitable for him and, although I don't like the home I do think it may be best to leave dad there now that he has started to settle in. If he has..

But we'll have to say what SS says.

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm whittling and wondering now what to say to the social worker. I can't imagine that "the panel" will decide that dad belongs anywhere other than a Carehome but if they do I'm going to keep in in a home for respite - indefinitely - if I can get away with it.

But my big decision is now wether to leave him in the home he's in if he is settled there, or wether to move him to a newer and more expensive one - which obviously means his money won't last as long. Would we just be moving him for our benefit? Would moving him unsettle him again. I think I need to speak to the manager again and have a full and frank discussion about exactly how dad is.

Dad's good GP thinks highly of the manager at the home and, although it's dingy and depressing with dark carpets in the corridors and bedrooms, the lounges are bright and busy.
Dad doesn't want busy, he just wants to be left alone and gets aggressive if it's loud and busy...and starts throwing things

 

[Bunpoots]

Mixed news from Carehome today. Dad's still throwing drinks but is much more cheerful and co-operative generally. He's also been walking - for the first time in weeks.

I may be changing my opinion about this home. Better the devil you know...

 

[Rolypoly]

Ask the home at what point they would not be able to manage him, what is not acceptable to them, what they can’t cope with. Hopefully they will be honest and it may help your decision to stay or move.

Sounds like they are getting to know him and he is getting used to them. If the care is to your liking and they can cope for the foreseeable future it may be better to stay. You are also building a good relationship and rapport with them. I doubt your dad gives two hoots about decor .

Go with your gut!

 

[Lindy50]

Hi @Bunpoots
I think choosing and settling on a care home is so difficult. Mum has had lots of ups and downs in hers, but I reckon she’s been much better off than she would have been in her own home - where I really couldn’t have managed any longer.
I always try to take note of how Mum responds to the staff. Generally I can see that she knows they’re kind and caring - and she does like the cakes the cook produces
So that’s really my bottom line - Mum knows she's cared for, even though her behaviour is disruptive and in the past was aggressive.
Hope your dad continues to settle
Love
Lindy xx

 

[Bunpoots]

I don't think dad cares about the decor either, or the occasional whiffiness. As he was before dad would definitely not have liked the place.

They have DQM (dementia quality mark) from the local council which means that the council consider them to be so well versed in dementia care that they pay them extra. The manager is very proud of this and has mentioned it to me twice now I'm not sure wether to be impressed by this but I have started to re- examine what I think of them.

There are some very challenging residents in the home, the ones that clash are generally kept apart as much as possible. One woman in particular drives dad crazy (me too if I'm honest) but he's allowed to retreat to his own room when things get too much for him.

The staff are totally un-fazed by dad throwing drinks and taking a swipe at them when he's in a bad mood. He's relaxed enough to have a laugh with the carers - even though his old self would never have been as silly and giggly as he gets now. It's nice that he's relaxed. He's always wearing his own clothes - which wasn't always the case with mum when she was in a home - although he hasn't had socks on for the last few days. His feet and lower legs are very swollen though.

I have been told that people usually stay there til the end. The nice home were a little more vague about that.

It's a home I would definitely not have chosen, but maybe it's right for dad as he is now.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I have been told that people usually stay there til the end. The nice home were a little more vague about that.

It's a home I would definitely not have chosen, but maybe it's right for dad as he is now.[/QUOTE]

I think your last two sentences say it all @Bunpoots

 

[Lindy50]

I have been told that people usually stay there til the end. The nice home were a little more vague about that.

It's a home I would definitely not have chosen, but maybe it's right for dad as he is now.

I think your last two sentences say it all @Bunpoots[/QUOTE]
I agree with this - it’s the view I take of mum’s nursing home too xx

 

[canary]

The home mum went into was one one that i had crossed off my mental list as it was very shabby and needed updating, but the carers were second to none and she was happy (well as happy as she could be) there. They too had some challenging residents and seemed to handle them the same way. When mum went in there she hit one of the carers with her walking stick and I was mortified to be told, but they were totally unfazed and treated it as just one of those things.

Mum went there for exactly the same reason as your dad - she moved there from hospital after a TIA and was there for 6 weeks reablement. I too had to reassess my view of the care home - it can be hard to see beyond the decor and the bells and whistles. I finally decided that it was best to keep her there and I still think that this was the best decision.

I cant remember, were there any other things that you were concerned about?

 

[Bunpoots]

The main problem with the home dad's in now @canary is that the carpets are very dark and look grubby although the place doesn't smell as bad as dad's bungalow did even after many shampooings of the carpet.

There was one incident where dad's hand was brown and had gone unnoticed - but he had been extremely difficult that morning and no doubt they were in a hurry to get him down as the social worker was visiting him that morning. The manager apologised immediately I mentioned it to her and said it should never have happened. It hasn't since - nor anything similar.

I don't like the meals I've seen served - but it is old fashioned nursery food and probably suits the residents very well. Yesterday dad had a choice of ham and egg, with chips and beans or cheesy mashed potatoes with beans and tomatoes for lunch (he chose ham). The food hygiene rating was 3 (acceptable) my house would probably be the same I don't clean the fridge very often!!

The nice home smells slightly clinical, I didn't notice any residents who were worse than dad - but I didn't see everyone.
The meals were nicer, the food hygiene rating was higher, the first impression was brilliant. The staff seemed calm and unhurried - but I haven't seen them deal with a crisis.

The posh home would cost almost £7k a year more than the shabby one. So money would run out in about a year - as opposed to 2+years.
I can't afford the top up.

Dad would definitely have preferred the posher home when he was well - but I suspect the shabby one is more like the home he grew up in (a terraced house in a working class area) so maybe he's more comfortable there.

The staff in both places seem lovely.
Both homes have been awarded the councils DQM for high quality dementia care.
The shabby home has 21 beds. The posh one 55.
Dad knows the people where he is now and if he's taken away from the bustle when he gets annoyed by it it's probably best not to uproot him now he's started to settle in.

They've got him walking again...

 

[canary]

I dont actually see any problems with the "shabby" home @Bunpoots - every home has its one off problems and if your dads hygeine has been OK after that one incident, then it sounds like this was a one off. It can be hard to get your head beyond appearances and also to think about what it is like from his view-point. Basic, old-fashioned food is probably better than "posh" stuff, mum definitely gravitated towards nursery food that she would probably have eaten as a child and was therefore more familiar.

Familiar stuff is important. It is very easy to think about what they would have liked before they developed dementia, but dementia is a game changer and everything changes. You could be right that he is more comfortable in a shabby home.

I worry that you didnt see anyone in the nice care home who was worse than your dad - this means that once your dad had progressed he would either have been purposely kept out of the way, or would have been given notice - I suspect the later. Im mums care home there were people at all stages of dementia in the lounge, although obviously some would opt to stay in their room.

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm beginning to think that way too @canary. I think dad is now well past the stage of being able to appreciate everything on offer in the other home and I don't think he'd understand another move.

I've just found a post on Facebook of the home put up about a month ago of some sort of celebration. The staff are dancing with the residents and the ones that can't dance are encouraged to join in. They look as though they're enjoying themselves

They were making Christmas decorations last week and encouraging the more able residents to join in. It's also true that dad's tastes have changed. He no longer enjoys food and drink that he used to love..

I'm thinking better the devil you know - but I'll have to convince sister...and brother. They might visit dad more often if he was in a nicer home - but they might not!!

 

[canary]

They might visit dad more often if he was in a nicer home

I certainly wouldnt bank on it. And if it was a choice between them visiting and your dad being somewhere that he was happy (or at least content) I know which I would go for.

Incidentally, did you ask the "nice" care home what sort of behaviour they would not tolerate? I get the feeling that they only want people in early stages of dementia and give notice once they get to a certain stage. If they do this then that might help convince your siblings to accept this home

 

[Bunpoots]

I think they accept most behaviours @canary apart from very extreme. They take people for a 6 week period to decide if they can meet their needs. They said hardly anyone is asked to leave and they can cope with most things so I don't think that's a problem. They have a quiet room which they use specifically for residents who become disruptive at mealtimes but the home dad's in now deal with him by feeding him somewhere quiet anyway.

I wouldn't hold my breath about siblings visiting either!! So far they've let me make all the decisions so I hope they don't decide to put their feet down now. Actually brother can't he's not an attourny.

My argument to sister would be that he seems to be settling where he is. And they've got him walking again so something good is happening.

I have to be realistic - whichever home he is in will be his "family" now. He doesn't always know who I am.

 

[canary]

He doesn't always know who I am.