At my wits end

[canary]

It is almost universal for people with dementia to only want family to do things for them. They are totally unaware of how much they are demanding because each time they think it is just this one thing - and they wouldn't care anyway because by this stage they are only able to see their own wants, needs and comforts.

Your mum's needs will only increase with time, and the more you do, the more you will be expected to do. Working in a care home is nothing like being on call 24/7 with a family member. In a care home you have other colleagues around, you go home at the end of your shift and have holidays and time off. You have none of that and will burn out (if you haven't got there already). You have to set boundaries and allow time for yourself without interruptions. Contact social services and tell them that you are no longer able to continue caring. Do not let your mums illness destroy your life and the life of your husband.

 

[Deeanth]

You have had enough at the moment - obviously. You are NOT responsible for your Mum. If she is abusive and unappreciative then you really don't have to carry on like this.
Decide on a date that you are going to step down (at least for a while)- preferably within the next couple of days - and notify your family you are taking a step back for your own health. This will give them a chance to organise something if they care to. Notify Social Services that your Mum is a vulnerable person and from that particular date you are no longer going to be responsible for her.
You will then have done everything reasonable to protect her so lose the guilt monster. Take a break - you and your husband both deserve it (I have to just add that there is NO way my hubby would have done my Mum's cleaning and if she had been abusive to him he would have told her where to go - so you have a wonderful OH who deserves better too)

You are totally right it’s cos we both have a heart and feel the guilt but after reading your reply thank you 😊

 

[Violet Jane]

You and your husband must both step back. Tell the family and Social Services (I assume that they are involved) that you are going to do this and don't allow yourself to be bullied by anyone. You have both done more than enough and it's time for others to step up. I'm afraid that it's very common for family members to leave it to one person to do the bulk of the caring and to kick off when that person says that s/he is struggling.

I'd start by leaving when your mother gets abusive or tells you to get out. You don't have to put up with abuse and neither does your husband (who is a saint). You can warn her that you will be leaving if her behaviour doesn't improve or you can just tell her that you're leaving without giving her an opportunity to behave better.

You say that your mother has carers 3 times a week. Do you mean 3 times a day? If 3 times a week then it sounds as if she needs more visits. Carers can certainly do housework and the washing. Be aware that SS are quite happy for you and your husband to fill in the gaps in an inadequate care package and so more and more. You have to be firm with them and say clearly what you will and will not do.

As for feeling guilty, why should you? The rest of your family don't appear to feel any guilt and they are doing almost nothing.

 

[Deeanth]

It is almost universal for people with dementia to only want family to do things for them. They are totally unaware of how much they are demanding because each time they think it is just this one thing - and they wouldn't care anyway because by this stage they are only able to see their own wants, needs and comforts.

Your mum's needs will only increase with time, and the more you do, the more you will be expected to do. Working in a care home is nothing like being on call 24/7 with a family member. In a care home you have other colleagues around, you go home at the end of your shift and have holidays and time off. You have none of that and will burn out (if you haven't got there already). You have to set boundaries and allow time for yourself without interruptions. Contact social services and tell them that you are no longer able to continue caring. Do not let your mums illness destroy your life and the life of your husband.

It’s it totally stressing us both out I need think of my own health aswell my mental health is threw the roof .

 

[Deeanth]

You and your husband must both step back. Tell the family and Social Services (I assume that they are involved) that you are going to do this and don't allow yourself to be bullied by anyone. You have both done more than enough and it's time for others to step up. I'm afraid that it's very common for family members to leave it to one person to do the bulk of the caring and to kick off when that person says that s/he is struggling.

I'd start by leaving when your mother gets abusive or tells you to get out. You don't have to put up with abuse and neither does your husband (who is a saint). You can warn her that you will be leaving if her behaviour doesn't improve or you can just tell her that you're leaving without giving her an opportunity to behave better.

You say that your mother has carers 3 times a week. Do you mean 3 times a day? If 3 times a week then it sounds as if she needs more visits. Carers can certainly do housework and the washing. Be aware that SS are quite happy for you and your husband to fill in the gaps in an inadequate care package and so more and more. You have to be firm with them and say clearly what you will and will not do.

As for feeling guilty, why should you? The rest of your family don't appear to feel any guilt and they are doing almost nothing.

3 times a week for showers and that’s it we do everything else as I have no cartilage in my knees and I’m really struggling walking I need to concentrate on my own health but don’t want to feel the guilt .

 

[Violet Jane]

Was this care package arranged through SS?

 

[Deeanth]

Was this care package arranged through SS?

Yeah because me mam was saying I have plenty of family who can help the others don’t help just me and my hubby we at logger heads sometimes threw it .

 

[Deeanth]

You’ve been conditioned by her, to accept her abuse. But the plain truth is that you’re now an adult and you no longer have to. You and your husband should step back completely. I’m sure she’ll be more abusive in your absence, but she’s brought this on herself. She has a support system and it will continue without you both. Block her number so she can’t call you and if you’re feeling generous (and I don’t see why you should) you could let her other carers know what you’re doing. Her life does not depend on you. It never did, despite what she and possibly others might like you to believe.

Book a holiday for your husband and yourself if you can afford it. Get right away for a full and proper break. If you can’t afford that, allow yourselves a staycation, where you don’t answer the phone to carers or family for a week. Arrange to do a couple of things you’d really enjoy. Even something as small as eating a bag of chips in the park can be a lovely way of recharging. You deserve it and you need it.

She rings my fone 18 times a day sometimes more I’m crumbling.

 

[Deeanth]

It is almost universal for people with dementia to only want family to do things for them. They are totally unaware of how much they are demanding because each time they think it is just this one thing - and they wouldn't care anyway because by this stage they are only able to see their own wants, needs and comforts.

Your mum's needs will only increase with time, and the more you do, the more you will be expected to do. Working in a care home is nothing like being on call 24/7 with a family member. In a care home you have other colleagues around, you go home at the end of your shift and have holidays and time off. You have none of that and will burn out (if you haven't got there already). You have to set boundaries and allow time for yourself without interruptions. Contact social services and tell them that you are no longer able to continue caring. Do not let your mums illness destroy your life and the life of your husband.

It’s so hard to walk away I feel guilty but I know I have to for my own sake and my hubbys .

 

[Jools1402]

Block her number. You do not have to put up with this. It is really not worth the upset between you and your husband. You will be no good to her, your husband or yourself if you let this continue

 

[maggie6445]

Yeah because me mam was saying I have plenty of family who can help the others don’t help just me and my hubby we at logger heads sometimes threw it .

Please, tell ss you and the rest of the family are unable to give her help and ask for her care package to be revised. Give them a date to work to and do it!

None of you are obligated to care and you have done as much as you want and are able to do. End the guilt and care for you. And please don't fall out with your family over this. Dementia wil claim every life it can ,don't let it!

Once the increased care package is in place and working it's up to each of you to do what you want to in terms of additional help. But none of you have to ,nor should you be made to feel that way!

 

[Deeanth]

Block her number. You do not have to put up with this. It is really not worth the upset between you and your husband. You will be no good to her, your husband or yourself if you let this continue

Iv tried blocking her number but the guilt creeps in hi do I stop feeling guilty.

 

[maggie6445]

Iv tried blocking her number but the guilt creeps in hi do I stop feeling guilty.

You feel guilt because there's nothing else in place. Get the care package revised. Ss have a duty to meet her needs so the package should be suffice. Then lose the guilt.. everything is taken care of! If it isn't sufficient then it's the ss that has responsibility and take the guilt

 

[Deeanth]

Please, tell ss you and the rest of the family are unable to give her help and ask for her care package to be revised. Give them a date to work to and do it!

None of you are obligated to care and you have done as much as you want and are able to do. End the guilt and care for you. And please don't fall out with your family over this. Dementia wil claim every life it can ,don't let it!

Once the increased care package is in place and working it's up to each of you to do what you want to in terms of additional help. But none of you have to ,nor should you be made to feel that way!

I’m going to phone social services tomorrow I can’t cope it’s got me crying every other day .

 

[maggie6445]

I’m going to phone social services tomorrow I can’t cope it’s got me crying every other day .

❤️

 

[nic001]

That’s what is killing me the guilt of taking a step back .

The guilt will go as you get your life back, what happens is you then become aware of how much it’s taken out of you and how much you were doing in the first place. When we’re so involved in it we can’t see clearly.
Believe me, once you just take a small step back you will feel so much better for it.
If it stays as it is how it is, you will be damaged more by it all. Think enough of yourself to do this, everyone is on here to support you. X

 

[Deeanth]

The guilt will go as you get your life back, what happens is you then become aware of how much it’s taken out of you and how much you were doing in the first place. When we’re so involved in it we can’t see clearly.
Believe me, once you just take a small step back you will feel so much better for it.
If it stays as it is how it is, you will be damaged more by it all. Think enough of yourself to do this, everyone is on here to support you. X

That is so lovely thank you x

 

[Deeanth]

If your Mam swears at you and tells you to get out then do that. Just walk away.
Inform your family that you are no longer helping out and if she needs assistance then someone else will need to be there for her.

Yeah buts it hard I’m at the end of my tether

 

[maggie6445]

Please get the care package revised and then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Her needs should be met and then you can chose what you do . You won't have to do anything if her package is good