Ashamed of myself

[JuliaB]

Hi, I hit my partner this afternoon, something I have never done before.
I feel ashamed & sad that I hit out with frustration, rather than walking away & counting to ten.
She is ok, but shocked at the violence in me. She will have forgotten it by morning, but I won’t & I am wondering if I should tell someone? Maybe an anger management course? I really don’t know what to do as it frightened me the extent of my temper.

 

[BeeBeeDee]

I am so sorry for you and can imagine the guilt you are feeling. You do get pushed to the absolute limit and there is only so much a person can take. I dont know about telling somebody- I would only tell somebody you can really trust am sure you have learnt from that. Big hug to you X

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

You don't need anger management, this is a clear sign that you need help. If you don't have carers, you need them or if your partner is more than you can cope with, perhaps it's time for a care home.

Please stop feeling guilty and accept that you need some time for yourself.

 

[SherwoodSue]

I think you should have a real heart to heart with your GP. This is carer burnout. It has to be addressed.

No need to give in to guilt, you didn’t ask for this but you do need to act now. You can’t change the past but you might be able to influence the future for better. Seek help now for both your sakes.

 

[scotlass]

I feel so sorry for you, this is a sign that you need some help, you can't go on any longer with out it , we are mere mortals and can only take so much..

 

[CAL Y]

Hi, I hit my partner this afternoon, something I have never done before.
I feel ashamed & sad that I hit out with frustration, rather than walking away & counting to ten.
She is ok, but shocked at the violence in me. She will have forgotten it by morning, but I won’t & I am wondering if I should tell someone? Maybe an anger management course? I really don’t know what to do as it frightened me the extent of my temper.

Please try not to feel too bad. This happened once to me and I feel very ashamed to say that it was calculated. I’m not a violent person, quite the opposite but one night as he fell asleep and I lay there seething with frustration I deliberately hit him and pretended I had done it in my sleep.
This awful disease doesn’t only turn the patient into a different person.
I have never told anyone this before.
@JuliaB Its difficult I know but try to forgive yourself.x

 

[Louise7]

Hello @JuliaB you've received some good advice already but please reach out for some support as there is help out there. The people on the Dementia Support Line are very helpful and they will listen and point you in the direction of more local support:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Fotoliza]

Hi, I hit my partner this afternoon, something I have never done before.
I feel ashamed & sad that I hit out with frustration, rather than walking away & counting to ten.
She is ok, but shocked at the violence in me. She will have forgotten it by morning, but I won’t & I am wondering if I should tell someone? Maybe an anger management course? I really don’t know what to do as it frightened me the extent of my temper.

So sorry you are feeling bad about things. My OH has some habits that drive me nuts so I do understand frustration. He has Vascular dementia. I know someone whose husband vents their "anger" into a cushion, or even try screaming into a pillow in order to let it go without guilt or harming anyone.
Talk to someone confidentially ie Samaritans and get more support for yourself with caring.

 

[Alisongs]

Hi, I hit my partner this afternoon, something I have never done before.
I feel ashamed & sad that I hit out with frustration, rather than walking away & counting to ten.
She is ok, but shocked at the violence in me. She will have forgotten it by morning, but I won’t & I am wondering if I should tell someone? Maybe an anger management course? I really don’t know what to do as it frightened me the extent of my temper.

I nearly hit my husband yesterday afternoon. He got me by the throat in return. I pushed him off. I really wanted to put him over my knee and spank him until my hand hurt. I visualise doing this a lot as I am sole carer no family or friends come by. He is as irresponsible and as gormless as a toddler, and cannot be reasoned with to keep safe. He won't eat or drink or medicate appropriately on his own, and often not when asked by me. Defiant toddler with Parkinsons, dementia, and diabetes type 1. Can't be left safely. 67, too young, active and bolshie for a nursing home. Hospital couldn't cope with his complex needs either! Got worse. We just have 6 weeks post hospital carers to support tablet taking, and new community nurses permanently twice daily for insulin. I self reported to his support workers, nurses, social services and Alzheimer's society yesterday. Nobody judgemental or shocked. Seems like he's forgotten today. I'm waiting to see if a trial night sitter does come tonight, as I get no sleep if his blood sugar is high or low , alarm goes off hourly, have to see how high or how low, try to get him to drink lots (ha bloody ha too defiant).or prevent him O Ding on jelly babies if too low as he panics. Also thinks Parkinsons shakes are low blood sugar. No.Not . Never..... He's too dozy and weak to be aware what has to be done or to do it himself. Funnily enough, got an extra carer visit last evening for his last meds, blood sugar dodgy, he accepted corrective measures. Still a bit low 3 hours later 10pm, one last biscuit, left him to it, slept in spare room doors open. No alarms all night. Somebody up there must pity me! Social worker supposed to visit today to discuss, but she's got Covid. GP and pharmacy still not sorted out Dossett box supply, had to chase that this morning. No answers yet. Life goes on. Do I feel ashamed about violence potential? Not a jot. Husband's been on the verge of violence many times in the past 5 years. It rubs off on you.. He can't and won't be reasoned with, cannot be left, is not safe......but he's a toddler in grown man's body, won't stay put or be shut in his room or sit on the naughty step. I am glad I self reported. It was the right thing to do. His risky behaviours give me risky behaviours. I am hoping his medical needs other than diabetes will also come under NHS Continuing Care, but am not holding my breath. Don't be ashamed. Self report, ask for help. You're stuck 247 365. The authorities tend to work 8 hour shifts and not weekends or holidays. They can offload. Yo can offload to them. Best wishes

 

[Alisongs]

Please try not to feel too bad. This happened once to me and I feel very ashamed to say that it was calculated. I’m not a violent person, quite the opposite but one night as he fell asleep and I lay there seething with frustration I deliberately hit him and pretended I had done it in my sleep.
This awful disease doesn’t only turn the patient into a different person.
I have never told anyone this before.
@JuliaB Its difficult I know but try to forgive yourself.x

Don't forget to love and hug yourself as your other half no longer can do

 

[leny connery]

Hi, I hit my partner this afternoon, something I have never done before.
I feel ashamed & sad that I hit out with frustration, rather than walking away & counting to ten.
She is ok, but shocked at the violence in me. She will have forgotten it by morning, but I won’t & I am wondering if I should tell someone? Maybe an anger management course? I really don’t know what to do as it frightened me the extent of my temper.

if you have never felt or done this, it is not the anger management you need, it is a break, I think. you reached a breaking point perhaps. Please talk to dementia support 0333150345, or the admiral nurse

 

[LewyDementiaCarer]

Please reach out and get some needed support.
Getting aggressive or violent is not the answer, as you know, it means you need immediately to take a step back and arrange for alternative care.

You are likely exhausted, and not coping... it's ok to admit that and do the right thing now. It will be better for you and your partner.

 

[Oscar 10]

I nearly hit my husband yesterday afternoon. He got me by the throat in return. I pushed him off. I really wanted to put him over my knee and spank him until my hand hurt. I visualise doing this a lot as I am sole carer no family or friends come by. He is as irresponsible and as gormless as a toddler, and cannot be reasoned with to keep safe. He won't eat or drink or medicate appropriately on his own, and often not when asked by me. Defiant toddler with Parkinsons, dementia, and diabetes type 1. Can't be left safely. 67, too young, active and bolshie for a nursing home. Hospital couldn't cope with his complex needs either! Got worse. We just have 6 weeks post hospital carers to support tablet taking, and new community nurses permanently twice daily for insulin. I self reported to his support workers, nurses, social services and Alzheimer's society yesterday. Nobody judgemental or shocked. Seems like he's forgotten today. I'm waiting to see if a trial night sitter does come tonight, as I get no sleep if his blood sugar is high or low , alarm goes off hourly, have to see how high or how low, try to get him to drink lots (ha bloody ha too defiant).or prevent him O Ding on jelly babies if too low as he panics. Also thinks Parkinsons shakes are low blood sugar. No.Not . Never..... He's too dozy and weak to be aware what has to be done or to do it himself. Funnily enough, got an extra carer visit last evening for his last meds, blood sugar dodgy, he accepted corrective measures. Still a bit low 3 hours later 10pm, one last biscuit, left him to it, slept in spare room doors open. No alarms all night. Somebody up there must pity me! Social worker supposed to visit today to discuss, but she's got Covid. GP and pharmacy still not sorted out Dossett box supply, had to chase that this morning. No answers yet. Life goes on. Do I feel ashamed about violence potential? Not a jot. Husband's been on the verge of violence many times in the past 5 years. It rubs off on you.. He can't and won't be reasoned with, cannot be left, is not safe......but he's a toddler in grown man's body, won't stay put or be shut in his room or sit on the naughty step. I am glad I self reported. It was the right thing to do. His risky behaviours give me risky behaviours. I am hoping his medical needs other than diabetes will also come under NHS Continuing Care, but am not holding my breath. Don't be ashamed. Self report, ask for help. You're stuck 247 365. The authorities tend to work 8 hour shifts and not weekends or holidays. They can offload. Yo can offload to them. Best wishes

Wow your husband has so many other conditions I really don’t know how you cope on a daily basis we all get to the point where we ask ourselves is this even possible but my heart goes out to you and my arms are ready to give you a big hug ❤️

 

[CAL Y]

Don't forget to love and hug yourself as your other half no longer can do

@Alisongs Thank you. I do that. 💕

 

[Kevinl]

I got beat up a few times by my now late 4 foot 10 and a half inch wife, sometimes she would hug me sometimes she would lash out at me.
When you've come to the point you seem to have JuliaB it might be time to reach out.
Please as others have suggested. K

 

[Alisongs]

Wow your husband has so many other conditions I really don’t know how you cope on a daily basis we all get to the point where we ask ourselves is this even possible but my heart goes out to you and my arms are ready to give you a big hug ❤️

And I thoroughly resent that his care is supposed to be paid for out of savings for our joint future. What the hell have we paid taxes and social security for all our lives to be left with 23k which is just about 1 year of minimum wage, yet somebody who has spent everything on living it up and having holidays gets it for free? That is truly disgusting and I just get so angry that my life, what I spend and where I live will be dictated by Social Services and im neither ill nor old enough to retire

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

@Alisongs if the savings are in joint names, you are entitled to 50% of the money however, if these savings are in his name, it is unfortunately his money.

I've lost tens of thousands in lost income, face a reduced company pension for the rest of my life and the house I was supposed to inherit is a distant memory. The gain was a tiny carer's allowance and a couple of flu jabs. Very few of us are not financially impacted by dementia.

 

[Alisongs]

@Alisongs if the savings are in joint names, you are entitled to 50% of the money however, if these savings are in his name, it is unfortunately his money.

I've lost tens of thousands in lost income, face a reduced company pension for the rest of my life and the house I was supposed to inherit is a distant memory. The gain was a tiny carer's allowance and a couple of flu jabs. Very few of us are not financially impacted by dementia.

So sorry. A friend of mine was forced to sell a flat owned jointly with demented spouse, tenanted by daughter paying proper rent, and social services took the whole amount for his care and claimed this was correct. 90k inheritance gone......I am very wary of Social Services for this reason, and not sure how they have the right to "allow" me, as an independent adult not ill or I care, to stay in my own home, but without the right to sell up or move as I choose without potentially losing half my home for my husband's care. And the new home would have to be in joint names. If it were my mum or dad's home, I could accept the loss, but losing my independence and future and funds to pay for it, towards any care for my husband is driving me nuts with anger and resentment

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

So sorry. A friend of mine was forced to sell a flat owned jointly with demented spouse, tenanted by daughter paying proper rent, and social services took the whole amount for his care and claimed this was correct. 90k inheritance gone......I am very wary of Social Services for this reason, and not sure how they have the right to "allow" me, as an independent adult not ill or I care, to stay in my own home, but without the right to sell up or move as I choose without potentially losing half my home for my husband's care. And the new home would have to be in joint names. If it were my mum or dad's home, I could accept the loss, but losing my independence and future and funds to pay for it, towards any care for my husband is driving me nuts with anger and resentment

The forced sale of the flat was correct as it wasn't the home of the PWD however I do have sympathy with the daughter. If it was in joint names, I fail to see why the sale proceeds weren't split with 50% going for care and the balance going to the spouse.

It's my understanding that regardless of the legal split of the proceeds, this can not go ahead as you do not have LPA or deputyship. I understand that this must be frustrating for you but until you have the authority, you will be unable to sell any joint property.

Fortunately, you now have your wish and your husband is out of hospital and back home with you. Enjoy every moment of his company and hopefully, it will be a long time before you're looking at care or nursing homes.

 

[Alisongs]

The forced sale of the flat was correct as it wasn't the home of the PWD however I do have sympathy with the daughter. If it was in joint names, I fail to see why the sale proceeds weren't split with 50% going for care and the balance going to the spouse.

It's my understanding that regardless of the legal split of the proceeds, this can not go ahead as you do not have LPA or deputyship. I understand that this must be frustrating for you but until you have the authority, you will be unable to sell any joint property.

Fortunately, you now have your wish and your husband is out of hospital and back home with you. Enjoy every moment of his company and hopefully, it will be a long time before you're looking at care or nursing homes.

The forced sale of the flat was correct as it wasn't the home of the PWD however I do have sympathy with the daughter. If it was in joint names, I fail to see why the sale proceeds weren't split with 50% going for care and the balance going to the spouse.

It's my understanding that regardless of the legal split of the proceeds, this can not go ahead as you do not have LPA or deputyship. I understand that this must be frustrating for you but until you have the authority, you will be unable to sell any joint property.

Fortunately, you now have your wish and your husband is out of hospital and back home with you. Enjoy every moment of his company and hopefully, it will be a long time before you're looking at care or nursing homes.

LPAs under way, finally. He always refused before due to Parkinsons paranoia but being in hospital frightened him as even he knew his conditions were being mismanaged. He's grateful to be home, and much more comfortable. He is very little company. Just sits. Or goes to bed as too shakey. Does nothing even when asked as he's tired all the time. Parkinsons apathy and communication difficulties. Can't find words, can't remember what he's trying to say. Can't understand television or radio either. Wants me to talk to him but can't make conversation. He forgets I'm there if not in the same room. He does not understand that I am doing everything, and caring overnight, and trying to deal with all the calls now offering help (little actual evidence so far). Sole carer, no children, no family and all older than mel within a hundred miles. He's at home because he is better here than in hospital, and you'd have to be inhumane and unfeeling not to want to help. ( Yes I'm looking at you, hospital staff) I am hoping his dementia continues the rapid decline, and when he is incontinent or doesn't know me, he will go in a nursing home nearby. Then I can clear and clean the house and garage of what he's hoarded, get new carpets and flooring, and sell this house, and move to a smaller place that we intended for our joint retirement. If Social Services takes money for his care from the sale, the deeds to the new property will be in my name only. I've got very angry and frustrated and hard thanks to the curse of dementia