Came across a memory & it’s set me back

[Big Yellow Taxi]

I decided to clear out my old & random “notes‘ on my IPhone today & found this.
I know i have written things on my phone in the past & I have posted one on here before.
This memory made me feel incredibly sad & i suddenly feel like it was yesterday.
I’ve always kept diary’s as a child and although not as often, record odd life events as an adult.
Ive coped it literally, spelling, punctuation warts & all From when I typed it in my bed in my family home after a long and difficult day.
Clara was the name of the storm. Xx

Ciara bloody Ciara

Your power keeps us indoors

We can’t risk going out

The same conversation minute after minute

Hour after hour

‘But it’s fine out there’

‘We were out in it earlier’

‘What’s that noise?’

‘The neighbours are noisy’

It’s just the wind mum

‘Yes it’s wet and rainy but it actually might not be’

How do you answer that when it’s pouring down the window next to you

Walking is what you love to do the best

It’s when you are at your happiest

Not today though

It’s going to be a tough day

I look for the best alternatives

But i know the fallout will come

Dominoes for a ‘wager’

A wager still makes you smile

Always played games and played for money

5p, 10p, 20p

You win and you love it

I didn’t let you

Still a fierce competitor

You try and put your money as a tile

It makes me sad

We revisit the basic rules every go

Groundhog Day

But it doesn’t matter

Because we laugh

We play a 50’s CD

We dance to Bill Haley and Jerry Lee Lewis

What if the neighbours see?

We laugh and carry on dancing

I love you, I know you love me

Your spark is still alive

Memories are still alive

For a fleeting moment Dad is still alive

We continue the afternoon

Later you tire so we watch some of the rugby

You enjoy it like you did watching England vs Scotland yesterday

But I see your eyes darken as the day progresses

No obvious reason

But I know you’re tired

I let you rest

You fight the tiredness

I try to give you space

You want me there

I try to support

You want space

I try to be your daughter

I mustn’t tell you what to do
I try to make it like it always was

‘Why did you make me watch them’?

“They’re not us’

It’s a ticking time bomb i can’t really see & can’t read

I am praying I can defuse

Dinner is great

You eat it all

Dinner was bad

I should have known

You want to watch tv

You want me to pick

Too old

Too young

Not cookery

Not houses

Not gardens

No that’s just silly

No No Just No

This not us!

But what is us now?

I don’t understand and yet I try

I pray for Dads Army, I know that can work

Not on

I see only fools and horses in the magazine

Can’t find the channel

My heart drops

maybe I make too much effort

Maybe I should just ignore?

I stop

I breathe

I reassess

I don’t know what to do

This isn’t how we were bought up

We were bought up to be brave, address & resolve

You and dad taught us so brilliantly

Then it happens

In a split second

No warning

Plates are smashed

Christ

I don’t react

You are ashamed of me

Over and over you tell me

I clean up

I tell you I love you

You want the fight

I try to stop you cutting yourself in the shards

‘Don’t touch me!’

I reassure & tell you I just want to keep you safe

You want the fight

You really want the fight

I make you ashamed

I make you ashamed

I did this

I make you ashamed

I leave the room

Much Later we cuddle

For you, for now, it’s normal

Nothing happened

For me the next few hours til bedtime are a constant state of high alert

I jover analyse your every word & move

Waiting for the next explosion

Your now in bed asleep

It took some time

I’m in bed too but 3 hours later

Still on edge

This is Alzheimers

Alzheimers is ****

It’s just ****

 

[cymbid]

oh sweetheart.....its so hard. Writing things down does help (but maybe not reading them back) Its not your fault x