Any help and suggestions appreciated and welcomed 🙏🏼

[susiemelsome]

Hello I'm Susie,
My 88 year old dad is caring full time for my 81 year old step mum with Alzheimer's.
He is a proud man, old school, get on with it and play the hand you've been dealt kind of attitude - A true inspiration.
However his reluctance to accept the illness, the help we so need and Doreen's deterioration is his downfall with the positive attitude he has.
I support daily in any way my dad needs me, but night times are proving to be our main problem.
This is where any help and advice is needed please.
Doreen feels like she needs the loo numerous times in the night, meaning Dad is up and down trying to get her to the toilet, but she won't/can't move sometimes and he isn't strong enough to move her. She won't go to the loo in night pants. They still sleep together in the same bed as dad needs to be with her as she wanders, so can't sleep himself with worry.
My dad is shattered and obviously taking its toll on him. He won't have people help in the house as he's a private person and he will 100% not allowed Doreen to go into a home.
Anyone have any suggestions, please. I was called round at 5.30am this morning to get her back into bed, which I don't mind, but I have a family at home.
I can see dad going downhill as Doreen deteriorates. It's heartbreaking as he does everything for her, dresses her, showers her, feeds her etc. Thanks for reading this if you have stuck with my rambling message!

 

[maggie6445]

Welcome @susiemelsome , On a practical level, make sure that your mum limits her drinks . Instead of large beakers use a tea cup . No drinks after 8 pm ,only water for medicine. It's advised no fizzy drinks as these irritate the bladder and use only decaffeinated tea and coffee.

My OH was wearing me out, as he too was up two or three times in the night. The stage passed fairly quickly although it definitely didn't feel like it at the time! About seven months and he now sleeps the night wearing pull up pants. Some days they are very wet and others can still be dry. It depends if we have been to coffee clubs and how large a coffees he drinks and if they are decaf 🙂.

I'd suggest you ensure you have waterproof mattress protectors and purchase Kylie bed mats that go over the sheet. If mum has night accidents the Kylie will be a godsend as they wash and dry easily and hold a good volume of liquid. I share my OH bed and although occasionally his pull up can leak the Kylie mat stops the sheet and me getting wet🤣

My dad was proud and wouldn't have help with my mum at first but we eventually persuaded him to have carers to wash and dress her and three times a week they did a teatime visit to microwave meals we had prepared for their freezer.

Try to persuade your dad to have help in a small doses and then work on increasing it when he is used to the help.

Good luck In persuading him x

P s have you thought of a commode? You can get ones that look like a bedroom chair with a pot in the seat under a cushion.

 

[Gosling]

Hello and firstly welcome @susiemelsome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a wealth of shared experience of dementia to be found here so I am glad you have found us.

I am so sorry to read about your Dad and your stepMum's situation. It's tough for sure when an elderly parent is caring for the other. Your poor Dad will be quite exhausted. You have already received some good practical tips that are worth trying.
Your Dad, being a proud man and not wanting carers in the home is not an unusual situation, however what you describe is unsustainable as time goes on. He will either wear himself out, or sustain some sort of accident or health issue. Do please try to gradually persuade him that carer help is the only way forward, particularly if he is resistant to residential care.
It is heartbreaking; such a cruel disease. But you will find understanding and sound advice here from people that really do want to help.
Also never apologise for a long or rambling message. It help to put down how you're feeling sometimes, and there's always someone to listen.

 

[sdmhred]

Welcome Susie

As others have said this is such a supportive place. You must be tearing your hair out.

You will know your Dad best - but this isn’t sustainable. Is there any chink where you might be able to persuade him? Or will he cope with the truth? He is likely to be unable to meet Doreen’s deteriorating needs and is likely he will become unwell and need hospital - then she will be taken into residential.

I would also suggest in the short term the kylie sheets and keep trying the pull up pants. Eventually Doreen will sleep through and the bed sheets need changing and washing As she becomes incontinent.

Im so sorry - it is a dreadful disease 😢😢 your dad is a superstar but he will work himself into the grave 😢😢

 

[Alisongs]

Welcome @susiemelsome , On a practical level, make sure that your mum limits her drinks . Instead of large beakers use a tea cup . No drinks after 8 pm ,only water for medicine. It's advised no fizzy drinks as these irritate the bladder and use only decaffeinated tea and coffee.

My OH was wearing me out, as he too was up two or three times in the night. The stage passed fairly quickly although it definitely didn't feel like it at the time! About seven months and he now sleeps the night wearing pull up pants. Some days they are very wet and others can still be dry. It depends if we have been to coffee clubs and how large a coffees he drinks and if they are decaf 🙂.

I'd suggest you ensure you have waterproof mattress protectors and purchase Kylie bed mats that go over the sheet. If mum has night accidents the Kylie will be a godsend as they wash and dry easily and hold a good volume of liquid. I share my OH bed and although occasionally his pull up can leak the Kylie mat stops the sheet and me getting wet🤣

My dad was proud and wouldn't have help with my mum at first but we eventually persuaded him to have carers to wash and dress her and three times a week they did a teatime visit to microwave meals we had prepared for their freezer.

Try to persuade your dad to have help in a small doses and then work on increasing it when he is used to the help.

Good luck In persuading him x

P s have you thought of a commode? You can get ones that look like a bedroom chair with a pot in the seat under a cushion.

Hello I'm Susie,
My 88 year old dad is caring full time for my 81 year old step mum with Alzheimer's.
He is a proud man, old school, get on with it and play the hand you've been dealt kind of attitude - A true inspiration.
However his reluctance to accept the illness, the help we so need and Doreen's deterioration is his downfall with the positive attitude he has.
I support daily in any way my dad needs me, but night times are proving to be our main problem.
This is where any help and advice is needed please.
Doreen feels like she needs the loo numerous times in the night, meaning Dad is up and down trying to get her to the toilet, but she won't/can't move sometimes and he isn't strong enough to move her. She won't go to the loo in night pants. They still sleep together in the same bed as dad needs to be with her as she wanders, so can't sleep himself with worry.
My dad is shattered and obviously taking its toll on him. He won't have people help in the house as he's a private person and he will 100% not allowed Doreen to go into a home.
Anyone have any suggestions, please. I was called round at 5.30am this morning to get her back into bed, which I don't mind, but I have a family at home.
I can see dad going downhill as Doreen deteriorates. It's heartbreaking as he does everything for her, dresses her, showers her, feeds her etc. Thanks for reading this if you have stuck with my rambling message!

Doctors can prescribe medication to prevent excess urination if appropriate.
You can also put puppy pads on the bottom sheet, (much cheaper and more available than the human kind) and/or cover with a fluffy comforting towel that is tucked in on her side of the mattress. As the lady is relatively immobile it won't come loose. Far more easily washed or replaced! Think of the old fashioned towelling nappies!
Check online for adult towelling underpants, many have vinyl outer layer.
Branded and chainstore thickest type of disposable underpants will absorb masses of wee, all day and or all night, poo absorbency depends on the nature of the poo. Best wishes

 

[Violet Jane]

I used to support an elderly friend who was like this during the day. We never really resolved the problem. I would encourage your Dad to consult the GP and / or the local continence service as there may be medication that can help. Separate from the dementia your mother may have a urinary problem. She may have an infection, symptoms from vaginitis / vaginal atrophy or an overactive bladder. Many post-menopausal women have urinary problems resulting from the loss of oestrogen and are advised to go on full HRT or take vaginal oestrogen to help with this.

As well as medication there are the usual lifestyle changes: no decaffeinated drinks, reduced fluids in the late afternoon and evening, lying down during the day if there is any degree of fluid retention and at least two trips to the toilet before bedtime.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

All good advice...

Maybe the way to persuade your dad to accept carers is to point out that if he continues to run himself down (how is he managing with the disturbed sleep?) he will be too ill himself to be able to care for Doreen. Then she WILL be moved into a care home whether he wants it or not. The only way to avoid this is to get carers in to help care for her at home.

If he still refuses, then I'm afraid you're waiting for the inevitable crisis where she falls, hurts herself and ends up in hospital...

Good luck!

 

[Alisongs]

All good advice...

Maybe the way to persuade your dad to accept carers is to point out that if he continues to run himself down (how is he managing with the disturbed sleep?) he will be too ill himself to be able to care for Doreen. Then she WILL be moved into a care home whether he wants it or not. The only way to avoid this is to get carers in to help care for her at home.

If he still refuses, then I'm afraid you're waiting for the inevitable crisis where she falls, hurts herself and ends up in hospital...

Good luck!

Very good advice

 

[DawnR]

Welcome @susiemelsome

I struggled with the night time toilet trips and I’m 27 years younger than your dad. Sleep deprivation is torture, I feel for both of you.

Would he consider single beds. That helped massively with the laundry and I slept better. We had a night light which turned on when he got up for the loo, and that woke me up. We also had a commode in the bedroom but he wouldn’t use it. It’s worth a try though.

My husband has gone into residential care now, I too was adamant I would keep my husband at home but I couldn’t keep him safe. It was better for him to have a team of carers than a tired frazzled one. It wasn’t an easy decision but I had to do what was best for both of us.