I have written here before,my mum has late stage vascular dementia and severe heart failure also other problems, she is 89, and is hoisted bed to chair vice versa. I was helping with the care with my sister who lives with my parents but was unable to continue after myself and sister came to blows and would disagree on mums medication etc.My mum had deteriorated over the last 6 months and is on oxycodone liquid 1mg and paracetomol 20 mg for pain in her arthritic knees and hips.mum is totally dependant on my sister,as she is unable now to move around.Four weekends twilight nurses have been called to mum with her breathing and unable to wake her.My dad tells me mum and sister are arguing and my sister is shouting at mum as mum is very agitated and fiesty in the night.When I have gone up there in the night mum is very breathless and twitching and fiddling with bed covers or totally unresponsive to us talking to her, not able to open eyes even.mum was given lorazepam to give when needed but my sister had now not giving as she doesn't like mum to not eat or drink or to be drowsy.Mum is really struggling, getting confused when awake, talking of her childhood, she has started mottling of skin and sores under her breath, rash on her arm, blood spots on arms. My sister is so hard and confrontational when it come to myself and two daughters giving our opinion to make mum comfortable with medication.Sister always has mum in chair,all day,e xcept for changes.Sister doesn't want to call pallative team as they will give lorazepam or the driver on mum.mum is struggling and I feel my sister is being selfish and not thinking of mums needs.Every time me or my daughters have left my mums and mum is in her bed, my sister will get her back in chair.as my dad tells me.Myself I can't go up there alot as I am struggling alot with seeing my sister like this with mum and dad too.Hes not allowed time with mum alone or to hold her hand, my sister is so controlling.i have severe depression and anxiety and am struggling with what to do.I am in contact with mums dr as she is my dr too, u have written a long letter to dr expressing how worried I am,but she has said they need a multi disciplinary meeting with all involved, but when I spoke to dr last week she said it is hard to get to do.i am just so worried for my mum struggling to breath and agitation and my sister not giving what is needed for her own ends.
Any advice would be much appreciated
- Thread starter kimnjohn69
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- vascular dementia
Hello @kimnjohn69 this does sound a very complex and difficult situation, with possible safeguarding concerns, so I think that you really need to get some professional advice with regards to a way forward. The Dementia Support Line are very helpful and will have experience in this area. They are open tomorrow between 9am and 8pm:
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
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Hello @kimnjohn69
Your mum does sound very poorly. From your talk of palliative care and a driver, it sounds like you think she is at end of life. It also sounds like your sister is in denial and not accepting this possibility. I think she is probably afraid of your mum dying and is trying to prevent this from happening.
This doesnt help you or your mum. I would normally suggest you contact your mums GP, but you have already done this and the GP sounds particularly unhelpful.
I agree with @Louise7 - I think the best thing here is to contact the support line.
Your mum does sound very poorly. From your talk of palliative care and a driver, it sounds like you think she is at end of life. It also sounds like your sister is in denial and not accepting this possibility. I think she is probably afraid of your mum dying and is trying to prevent this from happening.
This doesnt help you or your mum. I would normally suggest you contact your mums GP, but you have already done this and the GP sounds particularly unhelpful.
I agree with @Louise7 - I think the best thing here is to contact the support line.
Thank you all I will ring them in the morning, it is a very upsetting situation, and I'm now in the background, every mention of anything to my sister and she turns nasty, and then takes it out on my dad, who is poorly himself, and is scared of my sister. I feel like I'm always so depressed and not sleeping,eating properly, I worry for my mum,she is struggling. It's cruel to seeand hear on the phone.thanks again for your replies Kim
A quick update,me and my daughters have managed to get dr and nurses and princess alice pallative team to my mums later today,hopefully it will make mum more comfortable and resting and on right medication also stop my sisters controlling behaviour.Thank you all for your advice and I will update on the outcome
Im so glad to hear that, but I wondered how you managed it as the GP was so dismissive?
The Dr was coming for the 28 day face to face with mum and the princess alice lady was a changeover, mum's other PA nurse has left.
Had a situation today.The dr and PA nurse suggested my dad goes to talk to the Dr concerning his feelings as he doesn't talk alot, he's struggling with how mum is,and my sister not allowing him to have input or spend time with mum alone.I made dad apt and dad rang me and said can I cancel it.Dad said it's ok to cancel,I asked why he said,he will deal with it himself.So I went up to see him.He told me my sister had told him, if he talks to dr she will talk to social worker and they will take mum and dad away from her. I said to my dad I know it was my sister. I rang my dr,who is mum and dad's drs and got apt to talk to her about the situation.i was in garden on phone,when I went in my sister asked if I got dad a apt, I said no, she said who was you on phone to,I said it was private call she started saying, it is her business, and bringing up about my mental health, I don't care about mum and dad, I'm on medication and make excuses not to work.I don't speak to my mum on phone for long, I'm selfish I don't help, I don't care about them.She went on and on being so spiteful, and shouting infront of mum and dad, she said are you going to hit me, coming in my face, saying she will ring police.I said I would ring them and get mum and dad away from her.She has serious issues, very jealous of me.My poor dad has to put up with her having a go at him when no one's there.shes made him ill before, his COPD escalates, we've been told next time he is rushed in he might not make it.Ive spent hours in resus were he couldn't hardly breath.i have the Dr ringing me later I am just going to explain things and my dad tells me she starts shouting at night because mum won't settle, my dad's concerned the neighbours will complain, and mum gers very agitated,were she keeps her awake, main light on and laying next to mum on floor on crash mat.I don't know what else I can do.its so spiteful and cruel for mum and dad .
Hi, @kimnjohn69 . I’m so sorry you are having all this trouble with your parents and sister. Can you tell us what happened yesterday when the medical teams were coming out to assess your mum? What recommendations were made? Will your sister cooperate with the professionals?
Your poor dad seems at the end of his tether. He needs help, so I don’t think he should be cancelling appointments regardless of what your sister may want. Please remember she has no authority to do any of the things she is threatening. It won’t happen.
Your poor dad seems at the end of his tether. He needs help, so I don’t think he should be cancelling appointments regardless of what your sister may want. Please remember she has no authority to do any of the things she is threatening. It won’t happen.
I am seriously worried about your sister. Her reactions seem so bizarre and the way she is behaving towards your mum and dad is sounding like a safeguarding issue
Is It at all possible that your sister is starting with Early Onset dementia herself?
Is It at all possible that your sister is starting with Early Onset dementia herself?
Hi thank you @canary and @Scarlet Lady ,i managed to get my dad to drs earlier this afternoon, he expressed that my sister was restricting him from doing anything, her shouting at my mum alot at night,keep waking her.Also my daughters have told me she isn't doing what was advised to her yesturday by Dr and PA nurse, still keeping mum in chair most of day, to keep her awake to give her food and drink.asking my mum what medication she should give her.Before mu dad's apt today she told my dad not to tell dr anything, not about how she is with mum, and nothing about what goes on in their house.My dad literally broke down to dr, he said he cried as he was upset about mum and she said he was acting.The team yesturday said about getting Dad a princess alice social worker so he could meet up with outside the house to talk to.They said about what medication and when mum should have it.Im going to take dad for a drive once or twice a week for hour or so to give him a break.The dr spoke today of possible restbite for my mum to assess her medication and her sleep pattern, but my worry is dad will be left indoors with my sister.I really worry for him. Myself, I have cut association with my sister, it is done, over, I am so upset with how cruel she has bad mouthed me and upsetting my dad. Myself and my daughter feel my mum should be having a driver for medication and possibly moved to the hospice, it's cruel how she dictates mums eating sleeping etc.the only problem is my dad will be alone with my sister.The dr feels mysister has a control issue and it is obsessive.
I agree with Canary. Your sister is a serious problem. I’m not surprised she has ignored what the medical team advised on Tuesday and Wed, it seemed par for the course that would happen as soon as the front door had closed.
Hopefully, your dad will be allocated a professional social worker who will be taking care of his own needs. His breakdown in the doctor‘s office should have flagged up how vulnerable he is. Whether your mum should be receiving respite care, or if she now requires a hospice should be a decision for all concerned, but your sister cannot dictate here. Social Services have duty of care and they can override your sister at any time. You need to stress that this is a safeguarding issue for both your parents.
Hopefully, your dad will be allocated a professional social worker who will be taking care of his own needs. His breakdown in the doctor‘s office should have flagged up how vulnerable he is. Whether your mum should be receiving respite care, or if she now requires a hospice should be a decision for all concerned, but your sister cannot dictate here. Social Services have duty of care and they can override your sister at any time. You need to stress that this is a safeguarding issue for both your parents.
