Any advice would be appreciated

[kimnjohn69]

Hi ,my mum has vascular dementia and severe heart failure she is 90 years old, and my dad is 85 has copd and other health problems.Myself and my sister have Financial POA for my mum, making decisions together. My sister is my mum's carer and lives with my parents. I have had great problems with my sister concerning my mums care and dad's toften coming to big arguments,because of my sisters persistent going against being told by drs etc on my mums medication and her continuos bullying my dad, verbally. Concerning the Poa my sister wouldn't give me any information concerning my mums bank account or her savings.I have managed to get the code and now gey my mums bank statements, but concerning savings,my sister hasn't given me any answer to requesting these. She has changed my mums funeral plan to burial from cremation,as she said it was what my mums wants, but we had a meeting before my mum lost capacity and mum said she wanted to be cremated to be with her dad and brothers, but my sister has argued it,and says my mums savings it's for burial,as her funeral plan covers only cremation.She has drove into my dad that my mum wants burial, so it's very upsetting she's going against my mums wishes.my mum wanted her savings to go to my dad and her grandchildren. My sisters gets carers allowance and universal credit but doesn't pay towards anything in the house, only council tax.She gets my dad to pat for things like milk daily,for her dog, my mums creams or extra pads.I see alot going from mums bank to amazon, but she doesn't even pay towards gas electric or food shopping. Is there anything can be done about this? I feel she is abusing the vulnerability and it's abuse. Any opinions or advice will be great fully appreciated thanks Kim

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi ,my mum has vascular dementia and severe heart failure she is 90 years old, and my dad is 85 has copd and other health problems.Myself and my sister have Financial POA for my mum, making decisions together. My sister is my mum's carer and lives with my parents. I have had great problems with my sister concerning my mums care and dad's toften coming to big arguments,because of my sisters persistent going against being told by drs etc on my mums medication and her continuos bullying my dad, verbally. Concerning the Poa my sister wouldn't give me any information concerning my mums bank account or her savings.I have managed to get the code and now gey my mums bank statements, but concerning savings,my sister hasn't given me any answer to requesting these. She has changed my mums funeral plan to burial from cremation,as she said it was what my mums wants, but we had a meeting before my mum lost capacity and mum said she wanted to be cremated to be with her dad and brothers, but my sister has argued it,and says my mums savings it's for burial,as her funeral plan covers only cremation.She has drove into my dad that my mum wants burial, so it's very upsetting she's going against my mums wishes.my mum wanted her savings to go to my dad and her grandchildren. My sisters gets carers allowance and universal credit but doesn't pay towards anything in the house, only council tax.She gets my dad to pat for things like milk daily,for her dog, my mums creams or extra pads.I see alot going from mums bank to amazon, but she doesn't even pay towards gas electric or food shopping. Is there anything can be done about this? I feel she is abusing the vulnerability and it's abuse. Any opinions or advice will be great fully appreciated thanks Kim

Dear @kimnjohn69,

I would want to know what she is buying on Amazon! I think you need to contact the OPG if you suspect financial abuse.

MaNaAk

 

[333pjb]

Hello,
My advice would be don't fall into the trap of seeing this as a battle between you and your sister, and something that has to be won or lost. Yes, she may be doing things wrong. Have these tensions always existed between you? If you are honest with yourself, has this terrible situation made things between you worse?
People cope with things in different ways. During my mum’s last few hours on earth, my sister and I fell out over the size of the spoon used to give mum her last medication. Something that created unease for years afterwards - over nothing.

Contributors on this forum may take sides but that isn’t a good approach. Opinions from people who don’t know you or your sister cannot possibly help and should these opinions really be used to ‘justify’ your current feelings toward your sister?

Yes, undoubtably she’s probably not behaving well, and this is frustrating you, as you have a different view, but associating her ‘sponging’ the gas and electric from your parents with abuse is stretching things too far, isn’t it?

What I would point out is in the near future you both have the hardest part of a terrible journey still to face. Focusing on the division between you will only make this journey harder for you both.
Try to discuss your feelings rationally, if necessary put them down in writing and invite your sister to do the same from her point of view. Have a rule that each ‘issue’ will be read by the other side in its entirety without comment. If possible the 'response' should also be in writing. Test yourself by each starting the first paragraph with "you are my sister, and I love you" - can you do this? THEN DO IT.

Forcing each side write out what they feel is much harder than an arguement. "Mean" words that will hurt have to be considered before being committed to writing (unlike a heated argument). Once the paper is ‘served’ it cannot be undone (so watch out, as damage written could become permanent damage), if you don’t really mean it - don’t write it.)

Once the inevitable happens, in time, you will both be without your parents. What you will still have (if you choose to), is each other, providing you can repair the relationship whilst your parents are still alive. You will soon need each other and your parents will need both of you.

You are of course free to ignore this and consider my advice as rubbish. It is given in good faith and from a position of experience and many years of regret not having acted sooner.

Good luck.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@333pjb has made some very good and valid points and if I were you I would take heed of them, also if your sister is your mum's full time carer and is only receiving carers allowance and universal credit then she is providing care for very little reward (done that, been there and it's not a lot of fun) I certainly wouldn't expect her to contribute to household bills as that demeans her role as a very low paid carer and I see nothing wrong with your dad paying for your mum's creams and pads, your sister certainly should not pay for them.

As for the bullying, the medication problems and the funeral plan then these are things that need to be discussed sensibly and without emotions or accusations or as @333pjb has suggested, write your feelings down, carefully.

You don't say how many hours your sister spends caring for your mum but creams and pads suggest that she is caring full-time and that she is probably snowed under so I have quite a lot of sympathy for her. I lived with my dad for a year and contributed nothing towards his bills or even the food bill. Why would I as I left my job, my own home and family to look after dad and dad got excellent care for free. Win, win for dad but not so much for me.

It's a shame that your sister is not more transparent with the money situation, I used to leave dad's monthly bank statement on show on his table every month so my suspicious brother could view it and see exactly where dad's money went every month, it saved him from having to ask and put me above any suspicion.

Does your sister get the odd day off or any time to herself because if she doesn't, she may feel resentful to you. Do you help her by taking over for a day or two once in a while. I am not having a go at you but I was in the same position as your sister but I had no help from my sibling and never once was I asked 'how are you' which would have gone a long way in alleviating my situation, I was basically regarded with suspicion and contempt. Needless to say my sibling and I are now estranged.

Try to salvage your relationship with your sister if you possibly can.

 

[Lawson58]

I couldn’t help but wonder how you know all of these things about your sister’s treatment of your parents.

Your sister sounds as if she is approaching carer burnout and I am not surprised if she is caring for two quite elderly people, both having complex medical conditions. Caring is the most exhausting job you can ever do and she has my sympathy.

I wonder if you could suggest to her that she takes two weeks off and has a holiday while you look after your parents. I think you are expecting far too much of her if you expect her to pay for household bills and extra pads when she herself is saving you loads of money by not having extra help or by placement in a care home.

You are very critical of your sister and perhaps that’s why she is reluctant to tell you anything. A little kindness and understanding might get you a little further if you are willing to go down that road.

I understand that this not you were hoping to hear but I don’t envy your sister one little bit. She has an enormous task and she might appreciate some constructive help from you.

 

[Jessbow]

She sounds tired and overworked.

imagine just how much of their savings would disappear if they were both in residential care- the few pounds that it costs to feed her is neither here nor there. If youemployed a live in carer, you'd expected to pay for such as electricity, heat & food

No, she shouldnt be spending loads of their money on Amazon- do you know if the pads etc come from amazon- they may well do.

How often do you take over & care to give her a break?
With parents that age, it suggests she is not a youngster herself- buying stuff fro amazon isnt the obvious choice for my generation- suggestive of the fact that she doesnt have time to go to the shops for her own needs.

 

[maisiecat]

I used Amazon all the time for medical supplies for my husband, prices are good and they are so efficient. Lots of things you need for later stage caring are bulky and difficult to manage if you don't drive so these might be legitimate spends.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hello,
My advice would be don't fall into the trap of seeing this as a battle between you and your sister, and something that has to be won or lost. Yes, she may be doing things wrong. Have these tensions always existed between you? If you are honest with yourself, has this terrible situation made things between you worse?
People cope with things in different ways. During my mum’s last few hours on earth, my sister and I fell out over the size of the spoon used to give mum her last medication. Something that created unease for years afterwards - over nothing.

Contributors on this forum may take sides but that isn’t a good approach. Opinions from people who don’t know you or your sister cannot possibly help and should these opinions really be used to ‘justify’ your current feelings toward your sister?

Yes, undoubtably she’s probably not behaving well, and this is frustrating you, as you have a different view, but associating her ‘sponging’ the gas and electric from your parents with abuse is stretching things too far, isn’t it?

What I would point out is in the near future you both have the hardest part of a terrible journey still to face. Focusing on the division between you will only make this journey harder for you both.
Try to discuss your feelings rationally, if necessary put them down in writing and invite your sister to do the same from her point of view. Have a rule that each ‘issue’ will be read by the other side in its entirety without comment. If possible the 'response' should also be in writing. Test yourself by each starting the first paragraph with "you are my sister, and I love you" - can you do this? THEN DO IT.

Forcing each side write out what they feel is much harder than an arguement. "Mean" words that will hurt have to be considered before being committed to writing (unlike a heated argument). Once the paper is ‘served’ it cannot be undone (so watch out, as damage written could become permanent damage), if you don’t really mean it - don’t write it.)

Once the inevitable happens, in time, you will both be without your parents. What you will still have (if you choose to), is each other, providing you can repair the relationship whilst your parents are still alive. You will soon need each other and your parents will need both of you.

You are of course free to ignore this and consider my advice as rubbish. It is given in good faith and from a position of experience and many years of regret not having acted sooner.

Good luck.

Dear @kimnjohn69,

Of course I'm so sorry you should ask sister about the finances first but don't criticise her. If she is doing all that caring she will be very stressed. You need to be able to work together.

MaNaAk

 

[SAP]

Hello @kimnjohn69 , I have had a look through your other posts on this issue with your sister and her care of your parents. I see that there have been other agencies involved and that there has been no further action and that the social worker is leaving and the case is not being handed over. This would suggest that social services do not have any concerns about what is happening in your parents home. Now maybe your family have lied about the situation , this happens many times and have pulled with wool over the SW’s eyes. Or maybe it is not as bad as you fear and emotions are running very high.
I wonder what you would prefer to happen. You have said that you have tried to get your dad to tell your sister to leave but who would manage the care then. If your mum needs overnight care and clearly your dad can’t do this, then she will have to go into residential care. Would this be better for all of you ? Naturally, if your mum has savings she will have to pay for her care.
Whatever the solution is, it can’t be found here but has to be found with your sister and your dad by having a conversation, no matter how difficult about your mums future.