I get this,I feel exactly the same,I just want this to end as quickly as possible,he's got no life now,can't even tell the time or make a cup of tea🥲
Another rant
- Thread starter TrulyScrumptious
- Start date
You have absolutely normal feelings, we are not Saints... any of us!
My OH had an affair for 14 years with the same person. I decided to stay for various reasons. But he now has mixed dementia and initially, when first diagnosed, I thought why should I stay? But I love him, probably more now than I have loved him in a long time! I could not cope well trying to look after him at home and so, with the agreement of S.S. who confirmed he did not have capacity, he now lives in a Care Home where the care they give is far and above any care I could have the patience to give. The reason I cope is that I CAN come home and know he is looked after by people who won’t shout or get angry with him, they understand the stages that dementia patients go through. He can appear totally fine and we go out (when he doesn’t think he can’t get up!). We have some lovely days and I said to one of the carers a while ago whilst feeling very sad for him, “Maybe I could care for him?” Her reply was “just enjoy the good days”. That said it all. I would rather have a good time and a laugh on the good days, (he’s not lost his quick wit) than be constantly angry with the situation and him, plus being permanently totally exhausted!
My OH had an affair for 14 years with the same person. I decided to stay for various reasons. But he now has mixed dementia and initially, when first diagnosed, I thought why should I stay? But I love him, probably more now than I have loved him in a long time! I could not cope well trying to look after him at home and so, with the agreement of S.S. who confirmed he did not have capacity, he now lives in a Care Home where the care they give is far and above any care I could have the patience to give. The reason I cope is that I CAN come home and know he is looked after by people who won’t shout or get angry with him, they understand the stages that dementia patients go through. He can appear totally fine and we go out (when he doesn’t think he can’t get up!). We have some lovely days and I said to one of the carers a while ago whilst feeling very sad for him, “Maybe I could care for him?” Her reply was “just enjoy the good days”. That said it all. I would rather have a good time and a laugh on the good days, (he’s not lost his quick wit) than be constantly angry with the situation and him, plus being permanently totally exhausted!
I am with you all on this. If you are a paid carer you get time off and it is easier to cope. They will have training and know how to respond to different situations. As a paid carer you are not dealing with the grief of losing the life you've known, your dreams for the future, and the unending 24 hour burden. I, too, just want this to end, I want to have a life before I die. My husband has no understanding of his disease or how he is affected, but his quality of life is low. He can eat and dress himself and go for short walks but that is it. It's not much of a life.
Very well put @canary This is very true but even though I know it I'm in the same situation it's hard not to take it personally even though I know its the dementia not him. But it stirs up old resentments in me and it's hard to carry on without seeing a brighter future x
Of course it is hard, because of all the emotional baggage.
This is someone you knew before dementia, who looks and sounds exactly the same and you understood their thought patterns. So now it is difficult to get your head round the fact that they are not, in fact, the same and their perception of the world is skewed
This is what makes it so challenging. It is so hard to understand exactly what the deterioration is doing to them because at times they can seem so normal. I have found it almost impossible not to take the insults and verbal abuse personally - my OH has done things and said things to me and about me that I can never forget, that are etched in to my heart.
This is my life now,he can grab a piece of bread and slop jam on it but that's it.He can dress himself but everything's inside out or back to front,it's a constant battle to help him.Hygeine is a massive issue but he doesn't even know he's got a problem.He goes out for walks up to 20 times a day up and down the road cadging fags off strangers as he goes.Telling the neighbours I'm always shouting at him,won't let him have any beer,fags or polo mints(his new obsession)None of this is true,he's no idea that I've given up my newly retired life totally to him,I don't even like him anymore never mind love him as I once did🥲
It is hard to love a stranger. For me years of verbal aggression and abuse have destroyed any feelings I had for him. He has been very cruel, said things that I can never forget or forgive. At least it helps to share on TP, to be able to speak the unspeakable and for others to understand. I really had no idea that caring for someone with dementia could be so devastating.
Oh me neither,at the start of all this I thought I'd be glad to care for someone I loved when they needed me,he would never go into care as long as I was alive,omg I had no idea how hard this would be! My life now is totally given to him,caring for his every need,I could cry for the man he's become,never the easiest of people,he was always in charge of everything which I often rebelled against but omg this is a life I could never have imagined,god forgive me but the sooner it ends for him the better,he's just not in the here and now anymore🥲
It takes all sorts.
A spouse doesn't have to care for their spouse. And some can't, often because of their own problems, health condition, etc.
Some feel that dementia is the break down of the marriage and seek separation or divorce.
If one does take on the carer's role then it changes everything and the carer's life becomes the PWD's life.
It takes all sorts.
A spouse doesn't have to care for their spouse. And some can't, often because of their own problems, health condition, etc.
Some feel that dementia is the break down of the marriage and seek separation or divorce.
If one does take on the carer's role then it changes everything and the carer's life becomes the PWD's life.
It takes all sorts.
