Have only posted a few times but..........
I feel I have let mum down. This is the 6
th Christmas day since she became ill..........
year 1, she was in hospital but came out on Christmas day. I had spent every Christmas day with my mum, almost 40 of them, we went to her house or she came to mine.
year 2, she was unable to make the 1 hour journey yo my home so we went and spent a few hours with her in the home on Christmas day. She was starting to get very confused by this time and I remember her crying when I left.
year 3, I was starting to feel ill, I had a breakdown a few days after Christmas. that year when we went to visit her, she asked me " what is wrong with your eyes" I had been crying. Even in her confused state she knew I was not myself. I did nto see her for 12 weeks after this day as I was in hospital and she never spoke my name again, sometimes she knew me but never knew my name.
year 4, again we made the trip to see her even though she did not know the difference. The journeys were starting to be a duty rather than something I wanted to do.
year 5, again the trip to see her although she is closer to me now,
year 6.today..........probally the hardest in a long tme. She was so disorentated, she was shaking, I could not get her attention at all while trying so show her gifts and reading her cards to her. I broke down, lasted about 2 minutes and just managed to tell one of the staff I had to go and could they put her gifts in her room. For the first time in almost 2 yeras since she has been in her current home I cried in front of the staff and other residents, I do not even mean a tear in my eye I was a mess.
the hard part is I have to go again tomorrow. My brother will come to visit and go see mum, he will expect me to go with him and he will be upset. I try and protect him. he does not want to see her the way she is and it is like he waits for me to say " it's fine if you do not go" He looks so relieved. Last time he did see mum he was only there for about a minute when he had to walk out, she was asleep and this was his excuse for leaving " no point wakening her" his wife told me afterwards he cried that night. I try to protect him but can't tomorrow if mum is like today.
apart from my brother twice in last year I am only visitor mum gets, my children find it to hard, I just do not know how much longer I can go on doing it alone.
Sorry for the ramble
I feel I have let mum down. This is the 6
th Christmas day since she became ill..........
year 1, she was in hospital but came out on Christmas day. I had spent every Christmas day with my mum, almost 40 of them, we went to her house or she came to mine.
year 2, she was unable to make the 1 hour journey yo my home so we went and spent a few hours with her in the home on Christmas day. She was starting to get very confused by this time and I remember her crying when I left.
year 3, I was starting to feel ill, I had a breakdown a few days after Christmas. that year when we went to visit her, she asked me " what is wrong with your eyes" I had been crying. Even in her confused state she knew I was not myself. I did nto see her for 12 weeks after this day as I was in hospital and she never spoke my name again, sometimes she knew me but never knew my name.
year 4, again we made the trip to see her even though she did not know the difference. The journeys were starting to be a duty rather than something I wanted to do.
year 5, again the trip to see her although she is closer to me now,
year 6.today..........probally the hardest in a long tme. She was so disorentated, she was shaking, I could not get her attention at all while trying so show her gifts and reading her cards to her. I broke down, lasted about 2 minutes and just managed to tell one of the staff I had to go and could they put her gifts in her room. For the first time in almost 2 yeras since she has been in her current home I cried in front of the staff and other residents, I do not even mean a tear in my eye I was a mess.
the hard part is I have to go again tomorrow. My brother will come to visit and go see mum, he will expect me to go with him and he will be upset. I try and protect him. he does not want to see her the way she is and it is like he waits for me to say " it's fine if you do not go" He looks so relieved. Last time he did see mum he was only there for about a minute when he had to walk out, she was asleep and this was his excuse for leaving " no point wakening her" his wife told me afterwards he cried that night. I try to protect him but can't tomorrow if mum is like today.
apart from my brother twice in last year I am only visitor mum gets, my children find it to hard, I just do not know how much longer I can go on doing it alone.
Sorry for the ramble