Another Christmas day

[doelani]

Have only posted a few times but..........

I feel I have let mum down. This is the 6
th Christmas day since she became ill..........

year 1, she was in hospital but came out on Christmas day. I had spent every Christmas day with my mum, almost 40 of them, we went to her house or she came to mine.

year 2, she was unable to make the 1 hour journey yo my home so we went and spent a few hours with her in the home on Christmas day. She was starting to get very confused by this time and I remember her crying when I left.

year 3, I was starting to feel ill, I had a breakdown a few days after Christmas. that year when we went to visit her, she asked me " what is wrong with your eyes" I had been crying. Even in her confused state she knew I was not myself. I did nto see her for 12 weeks after this day as I was in hospital and she never spoke my name again, sometimes she knew me but never knew my name.

year 4, again we made the trip to see her even though she did not know the difference. The journeys were starting to be a duty rather than something I wanted to do.

year 5, again the trip to see her although she is closer to me now,

year 6.today..........probally the hardest in a long tme. She was so disorentated, she was shaking, I could not get her attention at all while trying so show her gifts and reading her cards to her. I broke down, lasted about 2 minutes and just managed to tell one of the staff I had to go and could they put her gifts in her room. For the first time in almost 2 yeras since she has been in her current home I cried in front of the staff and other residents, I do not even mean a tear in my eye I was a mess.

the hard part is I have to go again tomorrow. My brother will come to visit and go see mum, he will expect me to go with him and he will be upset. I try and protect him. he does not want to see her the way she is and it is like he waits for me to say " it's fine if you do not go" He looks so relieved. Last time he did see mum he was only there for about a minute when he had to walk out, she was asleep and this was his excuse for leaving " no point wakening her" his wife told me afterwards he cried that night. I try to protect him but can't tomorrow if mum is like today.

apart from my brother twice in last year I am only visitor mum gets, my children find it to hard, I just do not know how much longer I can go on doing it alone.

Sorry for the ramble

 

[Kayla]

Dear Doelani,
I'm sorry that you feel so down and upset about your Mum spending another Christmas in the home. I think Christmas and Easter are probably harder times for relatives than for the person who has dementia, as they may not even realise that it is a special day. My Mum was quite confused by her cards and presents and couldn't remember who people were.

I don't see why you should feel responsible for "protecting" your brother. It is reasonable to go together on a visit and offer each other mutual support, but it is hard for you to cope and your brother should be supporting you as well.

My Mum was in a local nursing home and I was able to go and see her several times a week. I never knew what to expect, but I did find that it helped me to cope when I took something for Mum to look at or do, such as a bunch of flowers which I arranged in a vase for her, or a book with photos or sometimes on a good day she could play dominoes.

Mum also had a soft toy dog which she liked talking to and a couple of teddies. I changed her ornaments around so that she different ones to look at and she had a video recorder to watch. Mum made friends with another resident and they would sit together and have parallel conversations, because they were both deaf.

Maybe you could ring the home and find out how your Mum is before you make a visit. On a bad day, I sometimes felt that perhaps visiting Mum wasn't helping her very much, but on a good day we might have a pleasant hour together. I also found it was better to keep the visits short as Mum seemed to tire very quickly.

Mum died suddenly last year and I miss her and I even miss the visits to see her in the nursing home, but she is at peace now. It is now possible to look back at the happier times we had as a family. I hope your next visit is less upsetting for you and your brother.

Kayla

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Doelani

I am sorry it was so hard for you. Not much I can say, but maybe your visit was more beneficial to her than you are aware of. Your brother needs to realise that it is hard for you as well as him, and you both try to cope together.

Hope it goes okay tomorrow.

Love

Margaret

 

[Mameeskye]

HI Doelani

YOur post brought back so many memories of CHristmases past. My Mum died this year and like your brother my Brother stopped visiting her.

My thoughts were always to have no regrets when Mum left us and I can truly say tjhat I did not. I sometimes think that it is harder when you visit less often as there is such a deterioration between visits than if you go more often so for your brother it will be hard.

I found being there with my brother helped him and me. I could discuss things with him. When he thought Mum was bad I could often explain that for her it was good these days. Late afternoon was never a good time to visit as she sundowned at this time.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

Do what you know is right for you today.

Love

Mameeskye