1. SusieR

    SusieR New member

    Sep 26, 2019
    1
    My poor dear mum in EMD unit and I just feel angry with myself for not knowing how to help her.
    I feel bereaved, but not bereaved, as she's slipping away. Her personality completely changed but she knows me and has the presence of mind to tell me she just wants to die as her brain isn't working. She doesn't accept that she isnt like the other people in the home who are either wandering or just sitting. She can't wander as the stroke left her with left side weakness and she doesn't understand she can't walk so throws herself in the floor to get about if carers with someone else. I feel helpless but then tell myself off for thinking of myself and getting upset. I want to lock myself in a dark room n forget then feel guilty for my thoughts. Some days she's happy but this morning upset but it's her first full day in new home. Yesterday when she arrived she was happy...I like thousands of others have family, sons, grandkids n I'm always the one everyone turns to but I have to fit mum in but people say I have to live my life as mum had hers which was absolutely brilliant...I could go on n on but I'll just glug a glass of wine. How does everyone else cope ...
     
  2. Buteo

    Buteo Registered User

    Mar 20, 2019
    36
    It is a bereavement. Another personal tragedy.
     
  3. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,390
    Yorkshire
    #3 Marcelle123, Sep 26, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
    Don't feel guilty - I know, easier said than done - but you are doing your best.
    It must be very difficult to cope, especially as your mother can express her feelings.

    Hopefully, as she was happy when she first arrived, she will be happy again, and her despairing moods and moments will not be permanent.

    I know there's nothing I can say that will make your ordeal and your mum's ordeal any easier, but I do send you both very best wishes. If you come on here to talk about your experiences, I think you will find it helpful, as I did - there are lots of nice people here with lots of experience.

    I found help here before and during Mum's time in a care home, during her final illness, and after her passing. I could say things here that I couldn't say to family members.

    I hope you get some good loving times on your visits which will sustain you now, and afterwards. xx
     
  4. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    274
    Big hugs to you SusieR I know how you feel I am right there with you my poor mum has voiced the same thing to me ,this isn't living she prays she will not wake up in the morning,six years she has had this horrundeous heartbreaking illness ,another recent fall has probably progressed AD I have meeting with social worker next week to discuss what will happen to mum when she comes out of rehab ,return to live with dad who is eighty five and not in good health himself or permanent care it's heartbreaking xxx
     
  5. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    274
    Big hugs to you SusieR I know how you feel I am right there with you my poor mum has voiced the same thing to me ,this isn't living she prays she will not wake up in the morning,six years she has had this horrundeous heartbreaking illness ,another recent fall has probably progressed AD I have meeting with social worker next week to discuss what will happen to mum when she comes out of rehab ,return to live with dad who is eighty five and not in good health himself or permanent care it's heartbreaking
     
  6. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,880
    You are not alone in this experience, but what to do.
    I have reached the point where I can’t physically or mentally be their for my Mum.
    Carers come in & I visit & I selfishly have stated that I want to be the daughter not the main care package anymore.

    You have grandchildren, children they should be your priority.

    Sorry but your Mum saying she just wants to die is a form of emotional blackmail. Whether you Mum is aware of this or not. It pulls us apart & we try to make the PWD feel better.

    Last time my Mum said this to me & I was on my own I said
    “ actually that’s not true is it? Because if you really felt like that you wouldn’t be eating & drinking; actually you are feeling bitter & upset about your situation. This statement is about your frustrations that things aren’t as you want them.”

    My mum looked at me for a long time, & then said “yes”

    I told her that she’s allowed to feel sorry for herself but not at the detriment of others.

    Ok that was one of Mums more lucid moments. But also I have had to say no more to her requests.
    Hard to begin with but now I’m finding it easier to manage Mum & her issues.

    Putting Mums best interests above what she wants has been a difficult point to reach but I’m there at times!!!
     

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