Anger at loss of driving licence

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Littlebear, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    66
    My husband lost his driving licence over two years ago due to dementia. He was angry at first but after 6 months or so seemed to accept it. Recently however he's started getting really angry again every time we go in the car. It's so bad that we now only go in the car if it's essential. This is severely limiting our social life and activities. Any suggestions as to how we can get past this? I've tried the honest approach & also saying he needs to take a test and we're waiting to hear when but nothing is working. It's a real problem.
     
  2. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    234
    Female
    Mid Lincs
    Losing his license was huge blow to my OH it really affected his well-being . He contested the loss and did get it back but it took 8mths. His driving was as good as ever, however as time went on he mentally deteriorated and became adament we had sold our house and we didn't live there any more so wouldn't get out the car when we got back home. I was frightened if he drove we could end up anywhere so the deal was, he drove there I drove home. However like yourself it severely curtailed our outings. In the end I kept telling him the doctor said he couldn't drive until he had finished medication he was on - which of course wasn't going to happen. It only ended when he had an infection and ended up immobile. Sorry I have no solution but
    I do understand how detressing and frustrating it can be.
     
  3. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    365
    Sheffield
    My OH lost his 3 years ago and he still brings it up now especially if he is left on his own . He asks how he can get his licence back! I just say I don’t know. It’s difficult maybe in time he will forget so you can go out in the car.
     
  4. Gladys1946

    Gladys1946 Registered User

    Feb 17, 2019
    24
    My OH goes on about losing his licence every time we go out. I show him the letter from the DVLC on a regular basis. Makes no difference. I prefer to drive on my own as I know he's sitting there holding the seat!!!!
     
  5. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    390
    My husband was told not to drive around 6 years ago. He was angry for around two years and it was very difficult. He did eventually seem to forget and things got easier - especially since I changed our car around two years ago. I was so glad to get rid of the old one! In the meantime I got disabled bus and train passes for him (they also cover me) and avoided using the car if possible. We even moved to a place where a car was less necessary.
     
  6. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    66
    I can see I'm not alone! We've just come back from 3 weeks away & I had hoped that being away might have improved things but if anything it's worse. On Monday he's going to phone the DVLA to organise a test! Hopefully that will take the heat off things for the weekend. It's just such a shame as there are so many things we could be doing but which need a car to get to. We are both missing out on so much. This has been going on since March.
     
  7. DaisyCat

    DaisyCat Registered User

    Dec 2, 2017
    77
    Female
    I'm having the exact same problem:mad:. My husband lost his licence this time last year and he's never gotten over it. Just lately he's nagging me at least a couple of hours each day... it came to a head again today. He's wanting to fil in another form to reapply for his licence except he can't actually read it properly or understand it. I wanted to put a cross in the box which says 'revoked' but he got so mad. He starts emotional blackmail - you don't love me, I'm leaving, etc. It's so difficult to live with.:(
     
  8. silkiest

    silkiest Registered User

    Feb 9, 2017
    65
    My friend bought a new car, her husband does not recognise it as his so doesn't try to drive it. I think it helps that they both had cars prior to this. Maybe 'his' car could be in the garage and you will drive until its repaired?
     
  9. DaisyCat

    DaisyCat Registered User

    Dec 2, 2017
    77
    Female
    We only have one car, it's his! I keep wondering about changing it but it's on Motability and I'm uncertain if it can be changed during the contract.
     
  10. Reggie4412

    Reggie4412 Registered User

    May 21, 2016
    7
    I have found it very interesting reading your posts. My husband has a dvla assessment in 2 weeks time and I’m just not sure what will happen. His driving is fine but without me in the car, he would get lost other than going to the golf club! I consider that if you can’t use a sat nav and you get lost all the time, you are not completely safe to drive as your concentration is marred by your concern to find the way. Do others agree?
     
  11. DaisyCat

    DaisyCat Registered User

    Dec 2, 2017
    77
    Female
    It's strange because my husband can barely string a comprehensible sentence together but yesterday he sat in the passenger seat and directed me to an old address of ours. He couldn't explain why or where we were going but directed me correctly. He has mobility issues too, which make him unsafe (can't turn his neck etc).
     
  12. silkiest

    silkiest Registered User

    Feb 9, 2017
    65
    I totally agree Reggie, my MIL was a safe driver but she only drove one route and if there was a detour she would have been completely lost. She managed to drive to the supermarket then forgot she had driven there so caught the bus home!
    We notified the DVLA of her alzheimer's diagnosis and she was incapable of filling in the form she received back. I was brutally honest on the form and her licence was removed, but the form also stated that if she did not reply before a specific date her licence would be revoked automatically so I didn't feel too guilty.
    Maybe you should advise the DVLA assessor reggie that he cannot find his way around and gets distracted because of this.
    Daisycat you may not be able to change it unless you have power of attorney. The garage you got it from should be able to advise. I can't see how they can insist on maintaining the contract as lots of people must have problems mid contract. If worse comes to it stop the contract and use the motability for taxi's to get you out when needed.
     
  13. DaisyCat

    DaisyCat Registered User

    Dec 2, 2017
    77
    Female
    I do have LPA, I think I'll give them a ring and find out what can be done.
     
  14. Reggie4412

    Reggie4412 Registered User

    May 21, 2016
    7
     
  15. Reggie4412

    Reggie4412 Registered User

    May 21, 2016
    7
    Thanks for your reply. I am very concerned about the assessment. Do you know if it’s just driving or do they test cognitive skills as well? Unfortunately, I can’t take my husband so his son will he taking him. He feels my husband should continue to drive for as long as possible and does not see the dangers in the same way as I do.Therefore I think it’s unlikely he will mention getting lost.
     
  16. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    174
    Bedford
    Hi. I am not very good at links etc but there is a dementia And driving fact sheet by the Alzheimer’s society. I just did a google search and it came straight up. It advises what is covered in the ‘assessment’
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...nloads/driving_and_dementia_factsheet_439.pdf
     
  17. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    234
    Female
    Mid Lincs
    #17 RosettaT, Jul 20, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
    My OH did he DVLA asscessment, he went through a series of questions such as which box has a line running nearest to the centre, choice of 3 etc.
    Range of movements including hands feet & neck by a nurse.
    I expected him to do trial in a simulator as they had one there but I don't remember he did.
    He then did a 15mile drive.
    They kept reminding him it wasn't a test it was an accessment of ability. The centre was 70 miles from where we live so they directed him to where he they wanted him to go as he didn't know the area.
    I was allowed to be with him all the time other than the drive, which I suspect was for insurances purposes.
    I think they even asked me if I was happy with his standard of driving. It then took almost a month to get the DVLAs Doctors result and his license valid for 1 year. He then became immobile so it wasnt renewed again so I'm not sure if it would just be a letter from the Dr or medical or another asscessment for a second year.
    They were really lovely and told my hubby his was one of the best & smoothest drives they had ever asscessed, would recommend he got his lincense back but the final decision was down to the DVLA Dr.
    They even told him he could have made 'more progress' because he only drove at 55mph in 60mph area!
     
  18. Cariad 42

    Cariad 42 New member

    Dec 18, 2018
    7
    Hi everyone, just caught up with this conversation - really interesting. My husband can still drive but it stresses me out when I am with him. I see how confused/forgetful he can get around the house and worry it will translate to his driving. That said, he's fine with the mechanics of driving it's just finding his way is a problem.
    We have already agreed that I will drive in the dark and poor weather conditions, so his driving (on his own) is largely only to the golf club.
    I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, because the advice is to drive frequently (so long as it's safe of course), but I don't enjoy being a passenger with him. Also in his working life he was an advanced driver and I get reminded of this.
    He's just had his license extended for another yes
     
  19. Mudgee Joy

    Mudgee Joy Registered User

    Dec 26, 2017
    655
    Female
    New South Wales Australia
    A book I have on Alzheimer’s called “creating moments of Joy” suggests you get a friend or relative to dress up in a uniform and visit the person with dementia and tell them they are no longer allowed to drive.
    Might work!?
    My husband had let me drive the car more and more and it was a fairly natural relinquishing of his license. He sometimes says he wants to drive -but I just mumble a reply !
     
  20. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,416
    Male
    Cornwall
    #20 Countryboy, Jul 20, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
    Hi I have been talking about dementia & driving on talking point since March 2005, I think there is one subject that’s never discussed if the driver is in receipt of Careers allowances or disability benefits it worth bearing in mind if you receive either benefit its very doubtful you have both

    Especially if your G.P or Consultant has supported your benefit application, and when you apply for your Driving Licence the DVLA will definitely ask your permission to contact your G.P & Consultant to complete a questionnaire on your fitness to drive well the G.P or Consultant its not going to happen
     

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