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And then he punched me

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
560
Scotland
I have been caring for hubby since he was diagnosed leukaemia in 1999. First five years or so were not too bad, once we got accustomed to the word "leukaemia". There were regular blood tests by district nurses and hospital checkups at haematology. 2005 brought huge changes - treatment for CLL problems led to physical side effects, one of which was that his bones crumbled - spine became twisted and bent and he lost 6 or 7 inches height. Mobility drastically limited - our lives drastically changed forever! Apart from day care one day a week, he was housebound.

Then along came vascular dementia.

Due to prostate problems he has a catheter which I have to attend to - including dealing with the inevitable mishaps which occur! I attach the night bag at bedtime as he passes quite a lot overnight. This morning he was shouting for me to take him to toilet and as I was removing the night bag to get him out of bed to toilet, he continued shouting at me and kicking out - caught me off balance and night bag knocked against something which broke the "outlet valve" at bottom of bag so all the urine (2 litres) escaped on bedroom carpet. What to do first? Well I got him to bathroom - by this time I was shouting! Not sure if bedroom carpet can still remain - I have washed and disinfected it - what a nightmare. Lots of cleaning up (poo) had to be done in the bathroom too of course.

Afterwards I felt bad about shouting at him so decided to explain what had been happening in the hope that he just might understand a wee bit - he just kept looking at me - and then he punched me in the face!
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,103
Scotland
That's bad. You obviously feel a watershed has occurred (no pun intended ) and so do I. A new assessment is needed from social services because you have been and are doing a full time nursing role and now dealing with aggression. I think you are entitled to a life and this is not it.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
I'm so sorry to hear this, Lilac Blossom. Are you okay? Did the punch hurt or do any damage? Have you been treated?

I too think that no-one should have to live with violence, no matter what the background circumstances, but know it's not as easy as it sounds to do anything about it.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are xx
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,030
West Hertfordshire
You have (and continue to do) a fantastic job BUT....

Sounds like its time for a rethink about the future if he's getting bit aggressive- consider what other options there might be.

It might be *the first time*and hope its the last but its hard when someone behave like that
please take care of yourself
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
I'm so sorry Lilac Blossom. My OH was prone to violence so I know the shock that you must have felt when it happened. Do you have any contact with a SW/CPN? If so tell them what happened. If not you must talk to your Husband's GP. My OH changed from a very placid man (pre AD) to someone who was quite violent. As often as anyone tells you that 'it's the Dementia' you don't have to put up with a situation where your own health is at risk.

My Husband was sectioned so often because of violence; each time he was assessed and his meds 'tweaked' which helped somewhat. If you don't get any help, if your Husband is violent again please phone the Police. They are experienced in such matters and will get in touch with with Social Services on your behalf.

Also please make sure that you have a safe room to 'escape' to in your house-I used the bathroom because there was a lock on the door. Also make sure that you have a fully charged mobile phone on you at all times.

Take care

Lyn T XX
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
First of all are you ok? I am sure you are shocked and upset but I mean is your face ok? Do you need medical attention because a punch in the face can cause other symptoms like headache and sickness and visual disturbances, if you are getting those you need to see a doctor promptly.

You should not be caring for someone who is potentially violent, even if you know he doesn't really mean it. He may need another assessment to see if there is anything that can help him.
 

Redpoppy

Registered User
Jul 31, 2012
268
Glamorgan s.wales
I'm sure your husband would not want you to live in fear like this,and have to put up with his aggression and violence, if he were not suffering with dementia. You have managed looking after him so well practically on your own, but it is time now to seek more help from social services and your GP's. I hope you can accept there is a limit to what you can do. I feel for you-it's such.a difficult situation to deal with.
 

Feline

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
164
East Devon
I have been caring for hubby since he was diagnosed leukaemia in 1999. First five years or so were not too bad, once we got accustomed to the word "leukaemia". There were regular blood tests by district nurses and hospital checkups at haematology. 2005 brought huge changes - treatment for CLL problems led to physical side effects, one of which was that his bones crumbled - spine became twisted and bent and he lost 6 or 7 inches height. Mobility drastically limited - our lives drastically changed forever! Apart from day care one day a week, he was housebound.

Then along came vascular dementia.

Due to prostate problems he has a catheter which I have to attend to - including dealing with the inevitable mishaps which occur! I attach the night bag at bedtime as he passes quite a lot overnight. This morning he was shouting for me to take him to toilet and as I was removing the night bag to get him out of bed to toilet, he continued shouting at me and kicking out - caught me off balance and night bag knocked against something which broke the "outlet valve" at bottom of bag so all the urine (2 litres) escaped on bedroom carpet. What to do first? Well I got him to bathroom - by this time I was shouting! Not sure if bedroom carpet can still remain - I have washed and disinfected it - what a nightmare. Lots of cleaning up (poo) had to be done in the bathroom too of course.

Afterwards I felt bad about shouting at him so decided to explain what had been happening in the hope that he just might understand a wee bit - he just kept looking at me - and then he punched me in the face!
I just want to say everything that everyone else has said and send you some love. You have done so well to cope so far, perhaps some respite for you now, do you think and more day care if possible.
Take care of yourself
 

keywest67

Registered User
Mar 19, 2012
169
Coventry
I'm so sorry, however you cannot let yourself be in this position again, your husband does not know what he is doing and he would not want you to be in a position whereby he could hurt you, I think he needs another assessment, there may be medication that could help the aggression........I hope you are not hurt physically.......I know how hurt emotionally you must feel and I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time, please look after yourself and I hope you get some help very soon xx
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Don't be in too much of a hurry to get rid of the bedroom carpet Lilac Blossom - pet accident spray is very good at getting rid of the smell of urine and also good for spraying into smelly shoes - though a full catheter bag of urine is quite a substantial amount - don't I know to my cost in the past. Sorry about the punch - hope you are not hurting too badly.
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Phew! I never know what to say when I read things like this, but as others have said, Lilac Blossom, you must prepare to shout for help, as you never know if this could happen again. He was obviously frustrated, possibly frightened, and the nearest one to lash out at was you.

That cannot happen again. You really ought to get the doctor; SS or even emergency services on side. Make a report of this incident to someone you trust. Please, at least, do that.

Much love to you.
 

Hair Twiddler

Registered User
Aug 14, 2012
892
Middle England
How awful for you Lilac Blossom.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. Do you have anyone that you can sit down and have a cup of coffee with and share some friend/quality time? TP is great but a kind ear would, I think, help you a lot just now.
Best wishes - Twiddler
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
560
Scotland
It's wonderful to find all your lovely messages - thank you so much.

Fortunately I realised in time and managed to avoid full force punch so it was a glancing blow to the side of my face. He does tend to kick, especially when in bed, not aiming at anything or anyone (we have single beds). However while I am emptying or changing catheter bags it is more difficult to dodge and that was when the night bag went flying.

Lyn, It is helpful for me to hear of your experience but I am truly sorry that you had so much to deal with, it's just awful.

Not sure yet whether the carpet is going to be ok - I really went to town so it was well soaked, rinsed, soaked and finally Dettol - it will take a while to dry out. There is a small pet shop down town so I'll ask about pet accident spray - thanks for that info WIFE (obviously the voice of experience).

I wish I could meet with a friend to chat but over the past fifteen years, friends and family have mostly drifted away, "We'll pop round, phone, etc" they say but don't. I suppose it's very common for this to happen although disappointing. I am going to have appointment with GP to make sure he knows and has some up to date details on record.

I am so glad to have support of TP members - much appreciated.
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Glad you popped back in and answered, Lilac Blossom. Really hope for better times for you. Good on you re the doctor. Spell it all out when you go. All the very best.
 

esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,074
Devon
Sorry you are having such a truly difficult time Lilac Blossom, hope you get the help you need.
We had a very similar (in amount) accident involving urine this week, not the first. Agree with wife about those pet accident sprays. They not only neutralise the odours but stop the carpet getting discoloured, although I must say I've pretty well given up on the bedroom carpet - was there when we moved in and it's white! Actually now I buy the specialist carpet shampoo which is sold by franchise in a local supermarket, dilute it and put it in a spray bottle, works out much cheaper!
Very sad that you aren't getting support from family and friends. Is there a carer's group in your area?
Es
x
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
Must say the carpet in Fred's room (he moved out of OUR room when he decided he didn't want to share any more) got absolutely horrible at the end. It had been washed, scrubbed, disinfected at least once a day for so many months that replacing it was the first thing I did when he moved to his CH. Strange to say, I felt very guilty as tho I was disposing of a part of him. Weird or what?? Thinking of you all as you travel this difficult path.

Sent from my GT-N5110
 

esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,074
Devon
It must have been so hard when Fred decided he didn't want to share any more Verity. I find it difficult sometimes sharing with the 'accidents' but I would be awfully upset.
Isn't it a strange world when you can get attached to a soiled carpet, of course it's the connections you make, but I can imagine how many people wouldn't understand at all. I can see how I would/will feel when the time comes to get rid of the white(ish) carpet (if I survive that long!) so will store up your experience to help me at that time.
Hope you are working out some solutions Lilac, or at least having a rest.
Es
x