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Am I negligent?

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
Thank you all for your support it means so much.
It’s gone quiet again but I’m waiting for the next onslaught.
I took him out yesterday to spend hundreds of their inheritance on expensive new clothes and smellies!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
My 0H was diagnosed with mixed dementia, vascular and Alzheimer’s in March this year. We have only been together five years and I am not married to him.

He is very forgetful, repetitive and has bouts of confusion. But I feel he still functions pretty well and he can hold a great conversation with other people and he still has good personal hygiene.
In fact, he’s better than he was earlier in the year. I think this was because he had flu after Christmas and then shingles and it really knocked him sidewards. He used to sleep much more than he does now.

My problem is I feel he is fine to be left on his own for various lengths of time, especially in the evening ( I have book club etc) when he just watches TV and then will go to bed. The occupational health visitor says that the only time he needs supervision is if he’s learning something new and for meals and meds. The biggest problem as I have mentioned before on this site is that he thinks he can still drive so I have to hide the car keys.

The problem is that his daughter believes I have been negligent as I have had a few nights away. She has covered for me whilst I’ve been away ( during the day) but she felt I should’ve cancelled these events which included a wedding and a bday gift concert. My 0H was invited to some of these events but he chose not to go. I put detailed plans to her and exact times of when I wouldn’t be here but she reported me to social services because she was worried for his safety and well-being. We are having a family conference on Wednesday and I am led to believe that she has been planning to create a fire storm and she is gunning for me. I think she wants to have professional care in and me to leave..

I have always kept my own friends through my marriage to my late husband and my present 0H is very happy for me to carry on seeing my friends when I want. He is very capable of keeping to his routine and I think his daughter has gone over the top. She believes I shouldn’t leave him on his own for more than an hour. I’ve had to take him with me for some things he didn’t want to do which is annoying for him.

I have told him that I don’t know how much I can take with his hatred from her but he says he just wants us to be together and I should ignore her. But how can I?

Am I being negligent? He has never fallen although he does have a few minor dizzy spells, he has never wandered and he has never been aggressive to anyone yet. I thought I could do these things whilst he was still capable because I know that later on I will have to completely change my lifestyle. I have already given up several things and I am a lot younger than him, he is nearly 80. I think the world of him and I am very happy to carry on looking after him knowing that it will become progressively worse. I am beginning to wonder that his daughter, who doesn’t work and doesn’t need to, resents being put out. They’re talking professional help, not themselves helping.

I will never forgive her for reporting me when I’m trying my best at a sad and difficult time.
I think that you will find that social services will be helpful for you & a bit of a reality check for your husbands daughter.

So mental capacity act means your OH should be deemed capable - as he has assessments saying help is only required with new learning etc.

Don’t feel betrayed- difficult I know but use this meeting to get the social services to explain to her the rights of her father; & your rights as a carer.
After all this is her Dad & she has to understand the situation as it is - not as she perceives it!
I think you will find that your OH daughter will have a bit of a reality check & you will find support & advocacy in this meeting.
Have been through this recently with both parents so I can speak from experience of the systems in place to ensure your OH rights & what can be expected etc.

ps
When furious I find bleaching the house very therapeutic!!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Isn't it sad (and plenty of other emotions too) @Rosie56 that, far from giving your mum some support when she needed it, her neighbours chose to meddle in what was a private matter in which their opinions were not wanted and counted for nothing. Too many people are prepared to be critical without knowing or caring about facts. I hope that things are better for both of you now your mum is safe and being looked after in a care setting.
ah the neighbours! !!!! yep my sympathies but I smile & think little do you know ......
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thank you once again for your comments. I survived but I’m battered and bruised

I’d better not say all what was said but it wasn’t pleasant. I felt like I was in court.

My OH and the family can afford self care but the only thing I will say is that they think I should pay for outside help if I have something I had booked and they can’t cover, or cancel it, and I can’t afford outside help. I have always had a bit of my own life so it’s hard to give it all up at once.

There were some positives and some things were cleared up but I still feel like they’re working towards edging me out and would rather pay loads more than have me here. It’s such a shame as my OH and I have lovely times together and I’m trying my best.
oh my what a rotten bunch!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Oh, @Sirena this is so true! I recall a particularly unpleasant woman (friend of a friend) who 'knew all about dementia' because her aunt had had it. She knew nothing. But she did like to offer her nuggets of wisdom like, 'you should take her round the shops - that's what she likes,' or 'get her to keep a diary then she'll know what day it is'.

I finally lost it with her when she asked me, 'Is your mum better now?' I said, 'Yes, she's out jogging most days and is starting a degree with the OU.'
' Really?' she said.
Me: 'No, you silly ***! Dementia is terminal - she gets WORSE every day!'

She's avoided me since, for some reason :D:p:D
Respect!
I am fed up of explaining that dementia is terminal, & no mum doesn’t want to go into a care home; so that’s why she has carers coming in!!!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thank you all for your support it means so much.
It’s gone quiet again but I’m waiting for the next onslaught.
I took him out yesterday to spend hundreds of their inheritance on expensive new clothes and smellies!
ironically it’s myMum who penny pinches were Dads concerned! Yet not with herself!
So I get lovely bits & pieces for him & have all the receipts to show to who ever questions the expenditure. That includes flowers & plants to brighten his room & bring joy!

As long as I ensure his comfort & wellbeing & make sure that monies are available for all the outgoings I’m not going to allow either parent to be uncomfortable in cheap clothing, or a cold environment
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
895
Pratteln Switzerland
health visitor says that the only time he needs supervision is if he’s learning something new and for meals and meds
This made me chuckle so sorry, but learning something new and Alzheimer's seems like an anomaly to me. No something I have experienced.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
Ha ha, I know! What she meant was getting used to the digital dementia clock we bought him. It sits directly in front of him where he reads the paper and has his breakfast and it’s been there over 3 months now. Guess what, he still asks what day is it? I say, look at the clock and he does. Half an hour later, is it Wednesday? (on a Friday) So the clock is less than useless and he hasn’t learned to use it at all!
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
ironically it’s myMum who penny pinches were Dads concerned! Yet not with herself!
So I get lovely bits & pieces for him & have all the receipts to show to who ever questions the expenditure. That includes flowers & plants to brighten his room & bring joy!

As long as I ensure his comfort & wellbeing & make sure that monies are available for all the outgoings I’m not going to allow either parent to be uncomfortable in cheap clothing, or a cold environment
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
I agree with making sure he’s comfortable in nice clothes etc and I definitely keep the receipts, if only to prove that the money has all been spent on him.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
Just to say we’ve had a brilliant night out tonight- with my family! Loads of good conversation and laughter and he thoroughly enjoyed himself.

It cheered me up because yesterday, he couldn’t work out why he couldn’t get out of the car. He still had his seatbelt on and didn’t know what it was or how to undo it. He was perfectly ok until we pulled up outside the shop and he lost his bearings, then he became utterly confused and then dizzy. I think car motion may play a part as he’s often dizzy when alighting from the car. It took nearly ten minutes to recover to any degree. Later on he was ok again.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Ha ha, I know! What she meant was getting used to the digital dementia clock we bought him. It sits directly in front of him where he reads the paper and has his breakfast and it’s been there over 3 months now. Guess what, he still asks what day is it? I say, look at the clock and he does. Half an hour later, is it Wednesday? (on a Friday) So the clock is less than useless and he hasn’t learned to use it at all!
I saved mum the money on two clocks!
Well meaning social worker who really doesn’t get it! better to say what day the paper is published as that mum understands!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Just to say we’ve had a brilliant night out tonight- with my family! Loads of good conversation and laughter and he thoroughly enjoyed himself.

It cheered me up because yesterday, he couldn’t work out why he couldn’t get out of the car. He still had his seatbelt on and didn’t know what it was or how to undo it. He was perfectly ok until we pulled up outside the shop and he lost his bearings, then he became utterly confused and then dizzy. I think car motion may play a part as he’s often dizzy when alighting from the car. It took nearly ten minutes to recover to any degree. Later on he was ok again.
I’m so pleased those lovely memories become like sunbeams on grey days x
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
That’s a good idea, he loves his paper. He always refers to his watch but it relies on movement to wind itself up and he sleeps a lot. It’s often hours out and even been the wrong date!
It’s not just learning though. His daughter helped him buy a new (cheap) electric razor less than a fortnight ago but it wouldn’t charge and he couldn’t work it properly. Before I could get to him, he’d thrown it on the floor and then dismantled it. We’ve had to buy a new one today- a more robust one. He can’t understand why I didn’t take the other one back for a refund.. I’ll have to keep that receipt and we’d best not say what happened because it’ll be my fault he broke it.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
That’s a good idea, he loves his paper. He always refers to his watch but it relies on movement to wind itself up and he sleeps a lot. It’s often hours out and even been the wrong date!
It’s not just learning though. His daughter helped him buy a new (cheap) electric razor less than a fortnight ago but it wouldn’t charge and he couldn’t work it properly. Before I could get to him, he’d thrown it on the floor and then dismantled it. We’ve had to buy a new one today- a more robust one. He can’t understand why I didn’t take the other one back for a refund.. I’ll have to keep that receipt and we’d best not say what happened because it’ll be my fault he broke it.
I think you need to channel your inner Mrs Doyle with the daughter!
Definitely has issues- but not your problem. it’s hard to not react to the pettiness but the fact is some people just need to be ignored !!! & that one sounds like a case for being thoroughly blanked!
X
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
I think you need to channel your inner Mrs Doyle with the daughter!
Definitely has issues- but not your problem. it’s hard to not react to the pettiness but the fact is some people just need to be ignored !!! & that one sounds like a case for being thoroughly blanked!
X
I’ll try my best! Thanks x
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,854
You are amazing! It is tough enough with out criticism. Critics need a scapegoat because they are not facing up to their own shortcomings.
What is capacity?
It is not always black or white. My husband cannot decide on many things BUT he can on things that matter deeply. Such as not going into hospital again.
I feel your OH should be involved perhaps they did not want him there not because he would be upset but because if he had been their words and attitude would be curbed.
Dog in the manger comes to mind!
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
759
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Ha ha, I know! What she meant was getting used to the digital dementia clock we bought him. It sits directly in front of him where he reads the paper and has his breakfast and it’s been there over 3 months now. Guess what, he still asks what day is it? I say, look at the clock and he does. Half an hour later, is it Wednesday? (on a Friday) So the clock is less than useless and he hasn’t learned to use it at all!
Yes, I bought one of those. The only person who looks at it to see what day it is, is me.