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Am I negligent?

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,038
Newcastle
Yes, I bought one of those. The only person who looks at it to see what day it is, is me.
I got one for my wife over 4 years ago (pre-diagnosis) as she was constantly asking the day and the date. She never once looked at the clock which was just as well as it was always going wrong. Then she just stopped asking and has never bothered since. I binned the defective item (the clock I mean!) a long time ago.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
Thank you once again for your comments. I survived but I’m battered and bruised

I’d better not say all what was said but it wasn’t pleasant. I felt like I was in court.

My OH and the family can afford self care but the only thing I will say is that they think I should pay for outside help if I have something I had booked and they can’t cover, or cancel it, and I can’t afford outside help. I have always had a bit of my own life so it’s hard to give it all up at once.

There were some positives and some things were cleared up but I still feel like they’re working towards edging me out and would rather pay loads more than have me here. It’s such a shame as my OH and I have lovely times together and I’m trying my best.
Hello MrsDoyle - so much of what you've written echoes my own experience - my partner and I have been together 17 years and I've been through a lot of what you mention with 3 of his children. They give me no help, have never said thank you for what I do for their father, seem to see me as an unpaid carer who should have no life of my own and the daughter would be quite happy to see me out of the way if her half brothers would take over the care (she's in another country and has no intention of helping out with care herself). Sadly my partner does not have any real awareness of what's been happening, if he knew how they'd been treating me he would be furious. You need to hang on to as much independence as you can because your partner will get much, much worse, it's never going to get any better and the only way you'll be able to go away overnight will be if you have someone in to look after him or put him in respite in a care home, there's no way to sugar coat it, it's hell.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
So
Hello MrsDoyle - so much of what you've written echoes my own experience - my partner and I have been together 17 years and I've been through a lot of what you mention with 3 of his children. They give me no help, have never said thank you for what I do for their father, seem to see me as an unpaid carer who should have no life of my own and the daughter would be quite happy to see me out of the way if her half brothers would take over the care (she's in another country and has no intention of helping out with care herself). Sadly my partner does not have any real awareness of what's been happening, if he knew how they'd been treating me he would be furious. You need to hang on to as much independence as you can because your partner will get much, much worse, it's never going to get any better and the only way you'll be able to go away overnight will be if you have someone in to look after him or put him in respite in a care home, there's no way to sugar coat it, it's hell.
Sorry I’ve only just seen this. So sorry that you’ve had to go through the extra stress of dealing with more than just your PWD.
I had a terrible week the week before last with them but it’s calmed down again and I’m getting an extra day of help next week - that makes 2 afternoons. I’m hoping they actually see how much more difficult things are getting and appreciate me. I can only stay positive for now.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
So
Sorry I’ve only just seen this. So sorry that you’ve had to go through the extra stress of dealing with more than just your PWD.
I had a terrible week the week before last with them but it’s calmed down again and I’m getting an extra day of help next week - that makes 2 afternoons. I’m hoping they actually see how much more difficult things are getting and appreciate me. I can only stay positive for now.
Glad you're getting some help, we carers all need that. Yes stay positive, sometimes hard to do. I recommend 'The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring' to help get you through it, it's a humorous read but with good advice.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
T
Glad you're getting some help, we carers all need that. Yes stay positive, sometimes hard to do. I recommend 'The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring' to help get you through it, it's a humorous read but with good advice.
Thank you, I’ve not heard of that. Last night, for a change he had a bath and got stuck for over 20 mins. I eventually helped him get out but today he tried to put his shoes on whilst on a chair which gave way and he fell and hit his head. He’s ok but struggled to get back up even with my help. His muscle weakness has got so much worse. I’m so sad. He’s also been totally confused today. I daren’t open up to the family in case they think I’m culpable ( even if they don’t) I know carers for ten minutes at a time can’t stop this but I can see them saying I can’t leave him at all even though I was 5ft away when he fell. Am I being paranoid now?
 
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BumpTrunk

New member
Oct 24, 2019
2
I have a pal from work, the doctor said that he is having Alzheimer, he is walking as nothing happened, I asked him few times how is he, he said that he is sick to see all the people's faces that are sorry for him.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
I have a pal from work, the doctor said that he is having Alzheimer, he is walking as nothing happened, I asked him few times how is he, he said that he is sick to see all the people's faces that are sorry for him.
My OH has noticed that people are always asking him how he is and he doesn’t understand why they should show such concern.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,427
It's very sad that your OH's daughter won't accept the happiness you bring to her father. Doesn't she want him to have any sort of pleasure in his final years?

Don't get caught in the middle between father and daughter, this is between them, not you.
It seems to me as if she is jealous of the relationship you and OH have and she wants nothing more than to make you feel as if you don't belong - well, you most definitely do!
Don't feel despondent when they pick holes in their father's appearance, they are trying to wind you up and make you feel inferior and it comes across as if they are bullying you into submission.

Did the daughter have much to do with either of you before the dementia diagnosis or is it only since OH has detirorated and she is protecting what she sees as her asset's.

You don't have to grovel to his children, please hold your head up high and be proud of the role you play in your OH's well being.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
It's very sad that your OH's daughter won't accept the happiness you bring to her father. Doesn't she want him to have any sort of pleasure in his final years?

Don't get caught in the middle between father and daughter, this is between them, not you.
It seems to me as if she is jealous of the relationship you and OH have and she wants nothing more than to make you feel as if you don't belong - well, you most definitely do!
Don't feel despondent when they pick holes in their father's appearance, they are trying to wind you up and make you feel inferior and it comes across as if they are bullying you into submission.

Did the daughter have much to do with either of you before the dementia diagnosis or is it only since OH has detirorated and she is protecting what she sees as her asset's.

You don't have to grovel to his children, please hold your head up high and be proud of the role you play in your OH's well being.
Been off forum for a while but this absolutely rings true with my experience of father and daughter - she was the complete apple of his eye, I can see it from the photos of her as a baby/young child, she was off to uni when I met her dad but I have seen so often by her face/catty emails, etc how jealous she is of me and my position in her dad's life. Nothing we can do about it, just accept that's how it is but it would just be nice to have some thanks for how we look after their fathers! Keep going MrsDoyle - I feel the same as you that I have to withhold some things from his kids because I feel they are always judging me, I only have contact with one of them now, although of course I would notify them if anything serious happened but I feel that if they were interested in his life they would contact me and ask how he is.
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
Thank you Dimpsy and White Rose. When someone spells it out to me, it becomes clearer. No, they didn’t see him that much before diagnosis and I think there’s some guilt there. She wants to attend doctors appointments with us which suggests she wants to muscle in, even on routine appointments. To be fair, I don’t mind if it keeps her happy. I am made to feel I’m not family but not by all the family so I talk to the one that accepts me. I stood my ground recently and their attitude has changed again but I never know how long the detente will last. He was a little under the weather on Friday after his fall on Thurs so he had a quiet day and was fine again by Saturday. But she’s texting me and ringing him several times to see if he’s ok as if he were near to death! ( slight exaggeration ‍♀). She can’t seem to trust me to look after him to her theoretical standards rather than what she actually does.
That said, I am still working on the present truce as it’s better for the OH and anger is a waste of my energy.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,427
You are 100% right @MrsDoyle, anger is a very negative emotion, which inflicts intolerable stress on your body.
Make love not war is my attitude to life and if you show nothing but kindness to OH's family, they can only react in one of two ways - stay hostile, which shows up their bad manners and bad attitude and will gradually alienate them from OH, OR they will melt and you can all share OH peaceably, which is what you want, plus you will gain from not carrying the stress of recalcitrant children.

Don't think about truce's, because that implies you think it will be a short-lived peace before hostilities resume; no one person can claim ownership of your OH and it seems very immature of his daughter to behave the way she is; carry on including her with her father's medical condition, but don't kowtow to her.
Best wishes and hang in there!
 

MrsDoyle

Registered User
Mar 28, 2019
61
East Mids
You are 100% right @MrsDoyle, anger is a very negative emotion, which inflicts intolerable stress on your body.
Make love not war is my attitude to life and if you show nothing but kindness to OH's family, they can only react in one of two ways - stay hostile, which shows up their bad manners and bad attitude and will gradually alienate them from OH, OR they will melt and you can all share OH peaceably, which is what you want, plus you will gain from not carrying the stress of recalcitrant children.

Don't think about truce's, because that implies you think it will be a short-lived peace before hostilities resume; no one person can claim ownership of your OH and it seems very immature of his daughter to behave the way she is; carry on including her with her father's medical condition, but don't kowtow to her.
Best wishes and hang in there!
Thank you. I’ve been really open with her about some of his very recent medical issues and we’re all talking on the same page again. I hope it lasts as we need to work together for my OH’s sake. I’ll always be a bit wary but I’m not going to show it.