Am I mad moving in with Mum?

[Lerros]

I'm posting on here because I could really do with some input from people that understand and am worried that I can't think rationally in my own head anymore.I posted on here once a long time ago and found the responses helpful.

My Mum is 84 and has vascular dementia. She lives in her own home with my brother but she rarely sees him as he works in the city so leaves early in the morning and arrives home late at night. He moved in on her request and has been there over a year but is now keen to move back to his own home which he was renting out because he is due to get married in October.

Mum is still continent, walks without any aids and can do her own personal care with prompting. She has carers twice a day to ensure she takes her medication and give her breakfast and tea. I have ensured that she gets out of the house every day of the working week either with friends, or at day centres, lunch clubs and the hairdressers.

I live with my partner and two children, 2 years old and 8 months old. We have no disposable income and my partner hates his job but is struggling to find another. I am a stay at home Mum. Ideally I would like to work part-time but it is not cost effective i.e. I would be financially worse off after the cost of childcare. We have no family or friend help available with childcare.

My theory is that we could all have a better quality of life if we move in with my Mum but we're aware it's a bit of a gamble. Mum should stop having to pay out more than she gets in as I would only get the carers in periodically, maybe to take her out for maybe 3 hours the odd weekend to give us all a break. She would feel more safe and secure having me there (she still recognises me). We would have disposable income so we could take the kids out for day trips and lunches and maybe save up for a tent or caravan for holidays. My partner will not be scared about losing our house if he's made redundant and it's less risky if he wants to take on a temp to perm role.

The big problem is if Mum deteriorates and I'm struggling to look after her and my two children as we would probably have to rent out our house for a minimum of 6 months (she had a TIA only on Thursday but was discharged from a & e the same day). My Mum may also drive me completely mad and closer to a nervous breakdown.

We are doing a test week in a couple of weeks to see how we get on.

Have any of you done something similar and if so, what were the benefits and drawbacks please?

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

[CaPattinson]

In with mum

I haven't experience of this but I have with the disease Alz. so I don't have any advice to offer on moving in, but I would think very carefully before doing anything. If I were in your shoes I would listen to the people here who will tell you about their experiences as full-time carers. It is very very hard, both emotionally and physically. I would find out all I could about the disease and its different stages maybe from the Alzheimers Society and you have 2 very young children. I'm sure you have thought carefully about it and if you do go ahead I wish you the very best of luck. As I'm sure everyone else here will. ************************************
Lerros, youv'e had a few very real and serious views. I've read yours again along with the others. Now I AM REALLY WORRIED Think of your young son, your baby,your partner and yourself. TAKE HEED OF WHAT HAS BEEN SAID. My opinion is objective and if u want it is: do not commit to doing this. Things WILL deteriorate! Like someone said a good CH will look after your mum and you van look after your family. Its hard enough looking after 2 v.young children, your partner and yourself without adding to your load. And it was also said think AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. tHIS IS ADVICE FROM CARERS WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE TRAUMA.

 

[Bristolbelle]

Second reading...

I've just read your post again. It will nt be easy taking two young children and your Mum out on those lunches your planning, and she certaibly will not be able to cope with camping so what are your plans when you go on holiday? You also say your Mum may push you closer to a breakdown and mention job insecurity on your husbands part already. I think there sounds like there is already dangerous amounts of stress without that of 24/7 caring. You say you want to save you Mum money by not using carers so much - is she paying the full rate for care, or a subsidised rate?
You talk about part time work have YOU thought about becoming a childminder? I know it's very bureaucratic and stuff now but it passed through my mind. Letting your house can be a nightmare in itself, it doesn't always pay that well, if hubby does lose his job they will count the income from the house against any benefits. Will you be paying rent to your Mum will all that be signed up legally - again be careful because you can get into traps where you are accused of manipulatying her even when you hae her interestes at heart. If she does become worse and her house has to be sold for her to go into care, and yours is rented out where will you go?

 

[JayGee]

Hi there
with my own knowledge and experience of looking after my husband with vasc. dementia for 5 years from the age of 81
I certainly wouldn't be thinking of moving in with a small child and a baby. This is purely my opinion and it may work short term for you but this disease has unexpected deteriorations and then it is no fun at all!!
there is a saying "today is as good as it gets!!"
Sorry to be a downer - I do wish you all the best
June

 

[Lerros]

Thanks for your replies and thanks for giving me things to think about. I appreciate your honesty. That's what I'm looking for.

Mum really isn't that bad AT THE MOMENT. I first suspected she had dementia about 4 years ago and she was diagnosed with it 2 years ago. SO FAR she has deteriorated very gradually. If she stays the same or deteriorates at the same rate as she has I reckon she shouldn't be high maintenance for the next 2 years but I'm guessing that's nigh on impossible to predict? I would be interested to hear your experiences on the rapidness of deterioration. The minimum we can rent our house out for is 6 months. That could be 6 months less stress for all of us or 6 months of hell, say if Mum has a nasty stroke shortly after we move in!?

Bristolbelle as Mum is at the moment we wouldn't need to take her out on our lunches or camping, or on holiday with us. At the moment I would be happy to use her current care company who come in twice a day and make sure we went on holiday whilst my brother is around to keep an eye on her. She also has a wanderer alarm.

You're right there is already a dangerous amount of stress which is probably why I am clutching at straws to try and improve our situation. I certainly wouldn't be moving in if I thought I was going to be caring 24/7. She's coping okish at the moment with carers in twice a day and she gets out to lots of groups. At the moment she is content knowing that I am in the room where she is sitting so she is not hugely demanding. I've only got to feed her and I'll be cooking meals anyway and give her her drugs. If her self care deteriorates I intend to get the care firm in to help out.

Mum is paying full wack for care because of the level of money in savings she's got. She will start getting subsidised when that goes below a certain limit.

I could become a childminder but I actually want to do less caring believe it or not! I'm not your natural carer or mother sort. I absolutely adore my girls but would like to look after them less than I do. My partner is extremely supportive but we have to share the care between us so never get any time off. We would love to have time just the two of us. I also struggle to look after the two of them on my own. At the level Mum is at at the moment she would be the easiest 'third child' to look after and the most cost effective for her and us!

I find Mum difficult to look after 'from a distance'. I often get the carers covering themselves by ringing up and saying I need to get her to a doctor when she really doesn't need one. But the onus is on me to make that judgement call. She also has such a variety of carers they may forget to give her her meds, take her to her groups, not know where her hearing aid batteries are kept so I have to pick up the pieces anyway. A lot of these things would be less of a headache if I'm on site.

The rent and manipulating sounds worrying. I know Mum would prefer for us to move in without cost especially if it is cheaper for her than getting in strangers in twice a day for merely an hour (and I'm not convinced they always stay that long).

I'm hoping that if Mum does get worse we would have time to give notice on our house and get back before her house has to be sold to pay for her care but I may be mistaken? Surely they can't just make us homeless if their alternative is to wait for us to be able to get back to our own home?

 

[moggie]

Be very careful

:Hi .My Mum was at the same stage as yours is now about 2 months ago.Since then she has had a fall & fractured her shoulder. This is healing really well but her Alzheimers is worse. I am living with her at present but only live about 2 miles away. I have help from both my brothers /sister in laws , carer & friends. My own children are in their 20's and very capable at keeping home running smoothly & my husband is quite understanding. I know without this enormous support I would find it very hard.
Please think carefully about moving in mainly for your young children, Because mine even though adults find mom upsetting.
She now has bad times in the day especially evenings Which is when I am most tired. You would certainly find this a difficult time.
Think very hard before deciding your future

 

[mowood]

Hi Lerros

I've got my mum at home and I can't begin to tell you how stressful it is. And, there's no escape, once there you've got it 24/7.

It doesn't matter what care package you have in place, there will be times when it all goes pear shaped and it will be YOU who has to sort it all out.

DON'T expect help from the care agencies, as long as you are seen to be managing, they'll let you. Read more posts on here if you want to know how hard it is to get the support you'll need.

I'm struggling to manage and I don't have 2 children to cope with. There just won't be enough of you to go around and your relationship with your husband will be the first thing to suffer.

I know you're coming at this with the best of intentions but please, think long and hard before committing yourself.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, I'm just trying to give you an honest opinion.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[muse]

Hi Lerros

I wrote a reply, previewed it, and then failed to submit it. Damn!

But it echoed all the other advice: consider very carefully whether that's where you want to be. I work full-time, and my husband coped on his own during the days, doing a bit of housework and looking after himself. He was fairly stable for 2 years after his diagnosis. He started to deteriorate at Christmas, and then, in February, he got a UTI. Since then he's needed prompting and assistance with everything, and he's now incontinent.

Every sufferer of this illness is different. Your mum might well remain stable for another 2 years or more, ore she might not. If a sudden deterioration does occur, your being torn between giving your time to your mum or your young family could move you to breaking point faster than any financial worries.

One more thought: all the things you say your mum can still do at the moment might get lost more quickly if she has you/carers around all the time. As it is, she has to cope and does, which in turn provides some stimulation. In my experience, if someone is around all the time, it's all too easy to just sit down and let them get on with it. When I first got carers in, I thought it was temporary, until the UTI cleared up. Then I needed emergency respite, and since then my husband just looks at things and doesn't know what to do with them: food, clothing, personal care... Sometimes I wonder whether, if he had to, he'd get some of his faculties into gear again and cope to some extent.

In the end, you'll have to decide. I send you a big hug and my best wishes - Kathy

 

[parrypamela]

Hi, I had help the odd few days with mums partner (not live-in) either staying with mum 2 or 3 days, or mum going to stay with him for 2 or 3 days to give me a break and allow me to sleep at my own house.(mum would not sleep on her own overnight) I work part-time but live on my own. However I do have a young family and grandchildren who I look after alot.

My mums partner sadly passed away 4 weeks ago and I toyed with the idea of mum coming to live with me, or me with her. However, everyone convinced me it was not a good idea. I kept losing it after a couple of days and mum had to go into emergency respite twice before I looked at long term care.

As much as I keep telling myself I want to bring her home and look after her, on her good days, i keep reminding myself that the bad days are more frequent!! Mums CPN told me that I would stop being a carer and become a daughter again if I let her go into care, which I always said I wouldnt do. However, thats what I am doing and slowly getting my own life back whilst at the same time going to see mum.

My own family would, and did, have suffered had I not done this and thats whats important. You will have the rest of your family for a long time to come, hang on to that and look after them, as well as yourself. Let the qualified carers care for your mum, even if in a home, at least she will be safe and looked after. Just be sure you find the right one because they vary so much. I think I have been lucky up to now!

Take care, and think of yourself above all as who will look after your family, including your mum, if you have added stress?
Good luck xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Fenners]

Hi Lerros, I really feel for you, all i can do is tell you of my own experience and echo what the others have said "think very very carefully". My mum has vascular/alzheimers, my dad died last year and i - without even thinking - moved in with my mum to look after her (she just hated being alone even when well) my husband, and two children 18 and 22 supported the decision and we sold our house for a lot less than it was worth just so we could all be together again and settled, i have to be honest with you in that no-one could have prepared me for the stress involved in caring - even just being with someone with az 24/7- its the hardest job in the world believe me - my mum was not that bad but since dad died she has gone down hill rapidly, no day is the same, mums moods can change from hour to hour. The thing is my children are grown up - yours are not, they still need you, think how they would cope if suddenly their nana became violent or aggressive ??? this has happened with my mum, she was put on aricept and became very violent and aggressive it was terrifying for all of us to see and be on the receiving end of, she was taken off it and has settled but she can flare up still, i just wish i could tell you what to do, but as you know no one can do that, shes your mum and you know her best, i thought i knew my mum though - i did - but i dont know my mum with this awful disease, they disappear before your eyes, its heartbreaking and very frightening, the strain it has put on my family, even though my children are older is enormous, we dont do anything as a family anymore, even popping out for a meal is not really an option anymore, mums CPN has said we need respite but im struggling with that even though i know shes right and we are desperate for a break, i cant begin to tell you of all the emotions you will go through living with your mum, i do so hate to sound so negative but i am just generally concerned about you all,when i decided to move in i couldnt see another way - im not sure there was another way though to be honest, i was also thinking through a fog (i had just lost my dad after nursing him through his cancer battle ), really im not saying dont move in - im just saying have a good think - its hard, really hard, unless you live with it 24/7 no one can understand what you go through, at the moment each day seems to bring a new problem with mum, in the end i get confused too - TP is a life saver, keep posting and please feel free to pmessage me anytime, if you want to ask anything at all, i would be happy to help you with anything. I could go on forever but its not going to make the difficult descision any easier for you, i think you are great though, even considering it with 2 little ones. I am thinking of you, i know exactly what you are going through, take care, i am sending you lots of love, support and a big hug xxxxxx,

 

[Notwaving]

Don't Do It

I am not going to pussy foot around this. A long time ago I had my Mum move in with me , my husband and two children. I was really struggling with money, worried about bills. I thought we could share the bills housework etc. One big happy family.
It was a total nightmare. No privacy ,extra work , it was like having another child to look after.
If you still think it might work have her live with you for a week, say it's a holiday for her. I think that should make your mind up one way or the other.Sorry to be so negative , but I would hate you to do something rash because of money worries.

 

[Lynne]

My theory is that we could all have a better quality of life if we move in with my Mum but we're aware it's a bit of a gamble... My Mum may also drive me completely mad and closer to a nervous breakdown.

Too right it's a gamble, and more than 'a bit'.

You are going to put yourself in the impossible position of being all things to all people, and - IMO - it can't be done. Your 2 small children, obviously, depend on you. Your partner depends on you (because that's what partners DO). How much can you depend on him to take an active part in caring for your mother when she needs it? (depends heavily on how good their relationship is at present, and his nature.) Your mother will become TOTALLY dependent on you, to a degree which you won't believe.

Have you discussed your mother's condition with your brother? Do his reasons for moving out (which all sound perfectly reasonable) ALSO include the fact that she is deteriorating to a point which he can't cope with? You need him to be honest with you about this.

I moved in with my Mum, BUT ... I have no children, I was not married, I was able to take redundancy & there were no property implications. I worked out in detail (in ADVANCE) how we would manage financially and applied for every benefit to which we were entitled. I could make my decision in the knowledge that no one (except Mum) needed me. And even then, things didn't "go to plan". By comparison you have HUGE responsibilities already, and in my opinion you are risking everything.

Sorry to be so blunt, and I applaud & completely understand your instinct to take care of your mother, but if she were able to understand the huge price you are risking I'm sure she wouldn't let you do it. Of course, she probably wouldn't be able to grasp all the implications now, and now she is vulnerable and afraid because her son is talking of moving out.

Please, think long and hard about this - several times. Discuss it with your brother if you can, discuss other options, other care plans, even residential care. I know, no-one likes to even think about it, but there is so much at stake here, you have to look at everything.

Best wishes

 

[ChristineR62]

Lerros, please think very carefully about this - then think very carefully about it again, and finally, think AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

My mother (now 74) and I lived together for years before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early last year. I was (and am) working full-time, and I also have two little elderly dogs who, if you like, are my children to take care of as well.

Mum started to do less and less about the house (and this was before diagnosis). She forgot how to use the washing machine, then she couldn't tell the difference between it and the central heating boiler on the wall above it. I'd ask her to get two frozen chicken breasts out to defrost, only to come home from work and find half a dozen out to defrost.

The house became more and more untidy, as Mum would dig things out from drawers and cupboards and never put them back. Mornings were a fight to get her up before I went to work (and I'd started a new job as well), and bedtime was a fight to get her to take her medication - once she even threw the tablet at me.

Fortunately, at this time, there was no one living next door who could hear me go into the kitchen and scream - not just a little frustrated shriek but a blood-curdling Hammer House of Horror scream, or the crying that gradually became howling.

I'd come home and find her wearing my clothes, and then there was the time she used the living room as a toilet. Once, I came home from work to find that the shower had been left on for at least an hour. The shower incident brought things to a head, and the next day I was on the phone to the social worker in tears, and two days later, just before Christmas, Mum was in the home where she has been ever since.

This was without a partner and children, so heaven only knows how I would have coped had I had children to look after as well. Mum seemed to deteriorate over a relatively short space of time after diagnosis, so although things may seem relatively good with your Mum now, please be aware that that can change very quickly.

This is only my opinion, based on my experience, and this will probably come out more bluntly than I intend, so I apologise in advance. I would have to say that you are likely to be a loser in this arrangement. The demands on your time and energy will become greater and greater than you can imagine - laundry becomes a real biggie, once you have to change a double bed three times in a week and you run out of bedlinen, not to mention that the dryer ceases to work and it's the middle of winter (been there, done that).

"Today is as good as it gets" is a phrase that you will come across quite often here. There is no cure for dementia, and while some days may be marginally better than others, the overall trend is a decline towards more and more dependence. You will have no privacy, no time for yourself, and your relationships are likely to suffer.

I didn't have much of a social life to begin with, but I had to give up the gym, as Mum wanted me to be at home with her all the time, and my one night out a week, to the pub quiz, became 3 weeks in 4, then every other week, then one week in 4, and then I had to give it up, because I couldn't stand the sulking when I went out, and the worry of not knowing what was happening while I was out.

Sorry to waffle on, Lerros, but I want to impress on you how much you need to think about this before taking on your Mum's care. You may well be able to make it work far better than I did, and I applaud you for considering taking the job on in the first place, but I don't want you to find out just how soul-destroyingly hard a job it is and have no way out.

Only you can decide whether to go ahead or not, but whatever you decide, I wish you and your family all the best.

Christine
xxx

 

[Chumpie]

Hello

Incredibly we are almost in exactly the same situation as you! We moved in with my Dad who's 83 and has Vascular Dementia (well dementia, probably Vascular according to the CPN, pending formal diagnosis/brian scan etc) Christmas 2007. Our son was born march 2008 and is now 2 years old. We are expecting another littley in 3 weeks.

If you do a search on my posts it may give you an inkling of the stuff we've been going through and I would second and third etc. what everyone else has been saying - if you can find an alternative, I definately would not do this given our time again! it has been a rollercoaster to put it mildly and at times I've felt as if I'm loosing my grip, and I know it has dramatically effected my husnband's recovery from PTSD!

My Dad's house is where I grew up and is in a wonderful setting in the countryside, but despite the 'perks' of living here - no mortgage and a big garden, I still would far rather be in our own house even it that meant struggling financially and my Dad, like your mum too, isn't THAT BAD at the mo.

We have a good CPN and she arranges respite fairly regularly which is an absolute must if you're going to do this. The thing I think that is the hardest, is being isolated socially ie: not being able to go out overnight as a family and only being able to leave alone Dad for a few hours at a time.

Please PM me if you think any more of my rambling may help! I too am arranging to see a solicitor this week to see where we stand if/when Dad needed full time care as it would be very difficult to get 'kicked out' of Dad's house. I am the sole heir in his will but I don't know how much difference that would make with regards to living here in his lifetime.

HTH

 

[Lynne]

Hi Chumpie,

I am the sole heir in his will but I don't know how much difference that would make with regards to living here in his lifetime.

The fact that you are sole heir won't make a scrap of difference to your security of tenure (or lack of it) while he is still alive, I'm afraid.
A will only becomes an active legal instrument after the death of the testator.
(Something else for Lerross to consider.)

 

[bunnies]

moving in with your mum

I have been managing the care of my aunt with vascular dementia for the last three years, and I recognise where you are at with your thinking. However, what can happen - as happened in my aunt's case, and happens very often with vascular d - was that her behaviour changed very quickly and went from being manageable by twice daily carers to being totally unmanageable. The transition from her being independent, with visiting carers and going out most days to day care, to being in need of full time live-in care happened in about two months. Her mental state deteriorated so she refused to cooperate with any hygiene of herself or the house, but would not let anyone help. Then soon after she lost her mobility and her speech. That means that you could be taking on a LOT more work than it looks like at present.

I totally sympathise with what you say about the difficult of making all the decisions at a distance, and ending up holding the buck. It is a lot more stress than it looks, even though you aren't living there. But I don't believe that living there would make that easier.

Basically, you have remember how quickly the situation could change.

Christa

 

[Jo1958]

Hi,
To quote your earlier post: At the moment she is content knowing that I am in the room where she is sitting so she is not hugely demanding. I've only got to feed her and I'll be cooking meals anyway and give her her drugs.
This will very quickly become 24/7, when you need to do something in another room will she follow you, miss you and make it obvious by demanding your attention? Is the kitchen big, comfy and safe enough for the four of you, you, your mum, two children, to spend time while you are cooking for everyone?
When your children are in the garden playing can you keep an eye on them and your mum at the same time?
The questions go on and on, keep asking them to yourself and to your wider family as it will affect you all.
Wishing you good luck with this life changing decision, Jo

 

[Lerros]

Doubt we're moving in

Boy am I glad I posted on here. Thanks to all of you for sharing your personal stories and being honest and direct with me and thereby giving me insight into what I could be letting myself in for.

In answer to my question 'Am I mad to move in with Mum' the answer in a nutshell seems to be 'Yes'! It might not be what I wanted to hear but it's certainly what I needed to hear. Of course as you say it is my decision at the end of the day, but all the evidence points to it being a bad idea. Good job I found this all out before I moved in!

So, my options if we don't move in seem to be;

My brother stay there longer. Obviously completely his decision and I will need to talk to him about it.

Mum lives on her own with the current care in place (twice a day) and we up it as need be.

Would it be prudent of me to start looking at care homes or is there really no point until we're actually thinking of placing Mum in one? I would appreciate insight into this process please.

A live in carer? Does anyone have any experience of this? Are they more or less expensive than care homes? How would you go about getting one and what are the benefits and drawbacks?

Any other options I haven't thought of?

 

[scared daughter]

Hi I haven't got any experience of moving in with a relative with alzhiemers, however we have as a family unit decided not to go donw that route as we are worried of the effect on our children. I think it depends on your relationship with your mum, family etc, I hope you can find a solution thatw orks for you, it is so hard xxx

 

[Margaret W]

Just my own snippet. My mum went "downhill" within a month. She went from being a lady needing help to being helpless.

Don't tie yourself into your mum. I know you mean only the best for everyone, but simply don't risk it for the next 20 years.

Margaret