Thank you @Kevinl. Thank goodness for this forumOr something stronger, you've earned it, just the one though and only you.
How do people on here cope, it amazes me, something over 10 years on here and I still get amazed by what I read, well done RM3, virtual and a big pat on the back from me. K
Do you think we were twins in another life - or our husbands were? When I had my ultrasound where they found gallstones, I was the same, very grumpy because I couldn’t eat or drink, not helped by offering me a cup of tea or a glass of wine or some cheese and biscuits. (i think because he wanted one😀). When I got back, same reaction as yours. No interest, no question as to how did it go.Just a footnote too - been for my ultrasound this afternoon (just to check for Gallstones). I saw him at lunchtime before I went and we discussed me being grumpy because I couldn’t eat or drink. He’s in from work now and not a word of how did it go. I tested the water by saying I’m glad to have eaten now after my scan - he laughed and said thought you seemed happier. Not a word to ask how it went!
I don’t know if he’s just being unthoughtful or other. I know it’s not drifting apart because he likes me to be around more than ever.
If I knew there was nothing, I would be having a go now, accusing him of not caring. I think I need a stiff cup of coffee! X
Ha - it’s so bizarre how similar people and situations can be. Probably why it’s so helpful to share and know it’s not just you.Do you think we were twins in another life - or our husbands were? When I had my ultrasound where they found gallstones, I was the same, very grumpy because I couldn’t eat or drink, not helped by offering me a cup of tea or a glass of wine or some cheese and biscuits. (i think because he wanted one😀). When I got back, same reaction as yours. No interest, no question as to how did it go.
Not sure if it’s thoughtless, more a case of it’s something which doesn’t affect him, therefore very little curiosity. I had a bad day today, the usual symptoms, feeling yuk, bloated, side aching etc etc. No concern whatsoever.
Hi @Violet Jane. I agree and think that I need to try to keep an open mind.Loss of empathy is common in early stage dementia. That's probably why, in the absence of other significant deficits evidenced by a poor score on the standard memory tests, doctors will often attribute changes in behaviour to depression, stress or even marital problems. Ditto apathy and loss of interest in socialising / doing things around the house / pursuing hobbies and interests which were previously enjoyed.
Whilst it’s always good to have the other person’s consent if you can, you are permitted to tell the doctor about issues with their health and wellbeing which concern you, without their agreement.If you have your husbands consent for medical stuff you can email in a list of concerns/behaviours beforehand... I did this with my dad and the doctor used it as a subtle prompt list to talk about specific difficulties.
Hi @Collywobbles and @Spottydog. Thank you both for commenting.Whilst it’s always good to have the other person’s consent if you can, you are permitted to tell the doctor about issues with their health and wellbeing which concern you, without their agreement.
It’s just that the doctors aren’t allowed to tell you anything without the patient’s consent, or unless the doctor has waived their confidentiality (in my Mum’s case because she was deemed to be no longer capable of making decisions in her own best interests).
Hi @Violet Jane - thank you for your support. I can completely understand with the various circumstances, why you wouldn’t have seen it sooner in your mum.I think that you can't spare your husband's feelings here. You must be direct and blunt about his symptoms and not try to minimise them or explain them away. Push for that other type of scan that someone mentioned; it seems to be more sensitive. I'm not a doctor but there is something clearly wrong. It could be several things but, in the absence of some kind of vitamin deficiency, his symptoms do point to MCI or dementia. I really think that his age is not a factor. He's not even 60. How often are the suspicions of close relatives, particularly spouses or partners, wrong? It would be interesting to know but I bet that it's rare. They are the ones most attuned to the subtle and not so subtle changes in their loved ones. Looking back, my mother was showing signs of dementia for at least five years before diagnosis but I didn't recognise them. She was a lot older than your husband and recently widowed and I think that these things muddied the waters. If I had seen her more often (she lived over an hour and a half away) I think that I would have cottoned on sooner.
The alternative is to do nothing. If he has dementia he will decline and his symptoms will become more obvious. Eventually there will be no doubt.
Whatever you decide to do, please consider getting POAs and wills drawn up - for both of you. If you both do them, it will be more acceptable to him.
Hello @RM3 just caught up with your posts. Sorry you are continuing on this path with your husband the accumulation of situations and your worries continue. I think your right to keep questioning as he seems like his day to day functioning / understanding of his job / lack of compassion on your health all point to a valid question. Be brave don’t bury your head in the sand, I remember sharing a lot at the initial Gp appointment with my husband as I had nothing to lose. My husband was passive and he felt fine - what’s there to worry about ! His mri was not that informative, bloods weren’t showing much either it was the PET scan that was definitive. Go through the process and push as much as you can to get these things done for your sanity and well-being. If he does have a diagnosis it’s good to get plans / LPA in place before capacity changes etc Take care xHi @Violet Jane - thank you for your support. I can completely understand with the various circumstances, why you wouldn’t have seen it sooner in your mum.
I do feel so certain that there is a big change (and not in only one area). I think that I just sometimes think that if I push it, I might find the answer that I don’t really want to know for sure. I will definitely push though because anything else is burying my head in the sand. It feels like such a responsibility- when my husband doesn’t really say that he is worried something is wrong and would like checking.
He would probably be in a very happy place, to finish work (even though he is clinging on to it) and he could watch tv most of the day and have me with him as much as I can around work.
Thank you for the push - I do appreciate that x
Hi @Jess2023 - thank you for reading through the posts.Hello @RM3 just caught up with your posts. Sorry you are continuing on this path with your husband the accumulation of situations and your worries continue. I think your right to keep questioning as he seems like his day to day functioning / understanding of his job / lack of compassion on your health all point to a valid question. Be brave don’t bury your head in the sand, I remember sharing a lot at the initial Gp appointment with my husband as I had nothing to lose. My husband was passive and he felt fine - what’s there to worry about ! His mri was not that informative, bloods weren’t showing much either it was the PET scan that was definitive. Go through the process and push as much as you can to get these things done for your sanity and well-being. If he does have a diagnosis it’s good to get plans / LPA in place before capacity changes etc Take care x
Hi @hillyjay. No not at all. He barely watched any tv (apart from sport) until maybe about a year ago. He is now just really obsessed. Shouts me in all the time to tell me something about Joe Biden for example and he is so engrossed in it all. He must know everything you could know about them all.Has he always been obsessed or interested in American politics and things like that or does it seem as if he’s developing obsessions now? Seems like he’s unaware of the fact you aren’t interested! My OH also began to develop obsessively collecting stamps, making lists of all the DVDS we had - even did a spreadsheet for them. Then carefully amended them every time we got rid of one or got another etc etc. Not much to anyone else really but it was distinctly odd behaviour for him.
@Violet Jane. You are not wrong on that point. He will do something like - once in a blue moon go out with our son in law or an old work friend for a walk (although I encourage him to try keep in touch).I'm concerned about your husband's clinginess. If your husband does have dementia then he will become more and more dependent on you and it will be important for you to carve out and maintain some time and space for yourself for your own sanity. After a diagnosis some couples hunker down and withdraw from activities and socialising but that's not a good idea as both the PWD and the carer will become isolated. Down the line, the PWD will need to go to day care and activities without his/her partner and accept care from other people and so it's good for couples to spend some time apart. No doubt, some carers will say that they are content - or feel that its their duty - to spend all their time with their PWD but most carers want and need breaks from caring.
Feeling quite frustrated today and a bit cross (not really like me).
I’m really feeling the changes in my husband (all be them barely noticeable I’m sure to most other people - apart from me and I’m 100% sure his colleagues at work). His colleagues have only known him for 6 months, so know no different but I imagine they must think the person, doesn’t seem to match up to the impressive CV. I think it’s because we don’t even know if there is anything the matter (therefore a reason to excuse things).
My husband just seems so less aware of me and my day and all the jobs and responsibilities that I have in comparison to him. The things that seem most important to him, are how his day at work has gone and the latest series he has found Thank goodness weened off just watching endless YouTube videos now - he was watching them so obsessively, that they were almost brainwashing him.
It’s so silly but I think today, I’m most frustrated and sad (I think) over Cereal!
My husband likes his cereal and told me yesterday that he had run out (he would usually not even mention and just have gone to get some). I wonder if I hadn’t have squeezed in a quick shop after work today, whether he would have got any and when. To come home to him in from work and laid on the sofa watching his new series. He’s content, so I wouldn’t let him know how I feel but if I knew 100% that there was nothing wrong, I would be having words - WHAT HAS CHANGED? I will hate myself for this message tomorrow but thankfully - this is anonymous.
I should say - I’m not saying he’s lazy, he’s always been more on the OCD side of being active and busy and pottering. In some ways, it’s nice that he is more laid back but I feel responsible for so much more quite suddenly and I don’t feel much physical or emotional support.
Well I’ve not deleted this message (yet ha) but really needed a bit of a rant. Thank you x
besides finding support, this forum is good for off loading our frustration, sadness, anger, and everybody understands, no judging here, just sympathi. so, rant away, hope it helps. sending you love