Advice needed - daughter getting married

[Cardinal]

My husband, 73, has Alzheimer’s stage 3-4. Our daughter, 36 years old, got engaged over the holidays. We are very excited for her. She lives 500 miles away from us. She, of course, wants her dad at her wedding. He dad refuses to travel so she is going to have her wedding where we live. She is trying to do everything she can to make her dad comfortable and hopefully enjoy her wedding. She asked me to help with the wedding since she doesn’t live here. Her main concern is her dad. I’ll probably be asking for a lot of advice from you all in the coming months.

What size wedding would you recommend? She’s worried her dad will be overwhelmed if it’s too big. I come from a large family. If she invites just my siblings and her cousins that’s about 50 people. So the choice is have a medium size wedding with around 100 people and invite family or a small wedding of about 20 people, but not have family attend. She also thought about having a private wedding ceremony with 10 people, no family and a larger reception that includes family. Her dad has a tendency to get up and leave if he feels uncomfortable and she’s worried he will leave in the middle of the wedding ceremony.

 

[Grannie G]

I think your daughter has got it right by suggesting a private wedding ceremony for 10 people followed by a larger reception later.

Well done your daughter and congratulations all round.

 

[try again]

You need to have someone with you that your dad is happy with. they can take him home when he's had enough.

 

[jennifer1967]

i think smaller but also be flexible and adaptable. you dont know how much he might progress in the time before the wedding.

 

[Sue741215]

I think the main point is that you and your daughter should try to be relaxed about what happens. I agree with the previous writers suggestions of a small ceremony and someone with your dad to take him home when he is ready. If there is not a relative willing to miss the reception to look after him perhaps you could find a carer or paid 'friend' who he likes. Having agreed the best format for the wedding you should focus on you and your daughter enjoying the wedding and prepare to accept whatever part your husband can play - if he wants to leave after a few minutes - or even refuses to attend before the ceremony I suggest you be prepared for it and let him go knowing you have done your best to involve him. Remind your daughter and perhaps yourself that her dad in better times would not want to disrupt her wedding and even if he can no longer enjoy large gatherings he would want you to enjoy it.

 

[sdmhred]

Having something small that Dad is likely to cope with sounds a great idea. She can then have the party or even another ceremony for friends that she would want to put on for them, but as has been said we never know what the day will turn out to be with dementia in the mix.

What a lovely sound8ng daughter you have though 😀

I saw on the news that a grand daughter really wanted her Gran at her wedding but they all knew she couldn’t cope…so they had the big wedding and then the care home Gran was in put on another little ceremony just for Gran…bride and groom came all in their best gear and had wedding cake and toasts .

 

[Cardinal]

@Sue741215 one of my greatest fears is that he’ll say he’s sick and refuse to attend.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'd say go for a smaller ceremony - think of the money you'll save!

But seriously, that might work better for your husband and your daughter clearly wants him to play a part. She could always have a bigger party for friends/wider family in the evening whilst your husband is home recovering. Hope it all goes well

 

[try again]

It’s my husband and our daughter’s wedding.

Yes, sorry take out your

 

[Cardinal]

My daughter had her wedding ceremony two months ago. I couldn’t cope being in the company of others including my immediate family so had to stay at home. I guess every dementia is different I have Lewy body dementia and Parkinsonism and now totally unable to do any sort of social situation. Also if there is more than one conversation going on in the room I can’t understand a word anyone says so I zone out. It makes me frustrated and sad that I can’t join in. It’s also physically painful to my ears and head. I was never an anxious person and this disease has made me so anxious I struggle even going to Aldi.

If I do manage to go anywhere I find it totally exhausting and sleep for hours when I return which I hate to do as it means I will be awake all night.

Hope you find the right solution for your particular circumstances.

Thanks for your input. My husband does complain about loud noises and it’s good to hear the perspective of someone going through dementia.

 

[Cardinal]

You need to have someone with you that your dad is happy with. they can take him home when he's had enough.

Thanks. I’ve been thinking he may not be able to handle the wedding and the whole reception. Good idea.

 

[Cardinal]

Another question. What does everyone think is a less stressful option. The 20 person wedding with the reception at the same place immediately following the wedding or the private 10 person wedding but then we would have to go somewhere else for the reception. I don’t know if going to a different place will be more stressful for my husband. I have a feeling my husband won’t stay long for the reception. As you all can probably tell I’m a worrier.

 

[Lawson58]

Another question. What does everyone think is a less stressful option. The 20 person wedding with the reception at the same place immediately following the wedding or the private 10 person wedding but then we would have to go somewhere else for the reception. I don’t know if going to a different place will be more stressful for my husband. I have a feeling my husband won’t stay long for the reception. As you all can probably tell I’m a worrier.

My niece had a small wedding, about 10 with coffee and cake afterwards, never telling anyone else that she was getting married,. Then she went off on her honeymoon and when she returned they invited their friends to their ’engagement’ party announcing only then that were married. She had photos of the wedding around and had a great time because as she put it, the pressure was off everyone.

It can work.

 

[cymbid]

I think its sad that such a happy occassion as a wedding should be all about her dad. A wedding is 2 people committing to life together , as such its a private moment. Yes its always nice to do that in front of our loved ones , but its not necessary . Maybe she should concentrate on her wedding with her husband and just a few people . She can then spend some time with her dad before they move on to the "big party" . When dad has had enough a good friend can take him home.

 

[Cardinal]

Thank you everyone for your helpful advise.