A lifelong friend and me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Palerider, May 19, 2019.

  1. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Yes, this is it I realise that, but I do wonder at the 'what iffs'. Quite right Jugglingmum -I shouldn't dwell on it for too long.

    Yes friends have moved on and made plans, I understand. We shall see how things pan out. Normally there's a team party this time of year, but E this year can't host it (she has a huge property). I am looking forward to Friday, I just hope it doesn't rain :eek:
     
  2. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Today mum remembered its four years this week since dad died. I don't know how she managed this as I had not mentioned it at all, thinking she had forgot completely by now. Today she said I think we need to go and lay some flowers at dads headstone. So we have been and bought some beautiful reddy pink roses and placed them. Mum got all teary and as we walked through the cementry she was remembering that all of her close family were buried there, its such a shame she got so tearful -what can you do but comfort and hope the tears pass quickly
     
  3. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    529
    Female
    High Peak
    Wow. These flashes of insight are so strange, aren't they?

    I've been following your thread and you seem on something of a rollercoaster at the moment, Simon - hope you're ok?
     
  4. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    No I'm not ok to be honest......I'm up and down like a yoyo

    I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth to normality for mums sake, but given I am now powerless to make any sole decisions on mums behalf I am lost what to do. This world I live in has shrunk to mum depending on me as her guide and que, anyone else she frightens away with her fierce reproach...and I am left here picking up the pieces in each moment and day after day...struggling to even make sense of why I am here anymore.

    Today we decided that mum can't go to my nieces wedding in October as there is no one other than me that could assist her in remaining orientated and preventing her from an outburst which is likely. I found the whole thing quite sadning and to be frank it made me realise how tired I am of being the advocate, the defender, the reasoner, the explainer, the link, the connection, the doer, the doeser, the odedient son, the smooth over, and .........the whatever anyone wants me to be to make this all fit......I can't write anymore because it will become a heated rant...and possibly offensive.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
    Im sorry.
    FWIW I think your decision about the wedding was right. Are you going to get someone in to check on her while you are out or will she be OK for this length of time?
    How do you think you might get out of it - given that your mum will continue to want only you?
     
  6. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Hi Canary

    Yes it's the right decision, it wouldn't be fair on my niece to have a showdown in the middle of the service or at the reception, and it wouldn't be fair on mum who would have no idea of the scenario she was in.

    I don't mind mum wanting only me to help her, but it can't be everyday and all the time, she has to start accepting the carers which is currently slow progress, though they seem to be making some headway. Its a pity they aren't male carers she gets on with men far much easier -I don't know why, but she always has done. The other problem is that mum is safe at home still, how she achieves this I don't know but I have watched her on the cam and she is fine heating her ready meals, washing and ironing and snoozing in the chair amongst other things so I can leave her, but not for two days, thats too long. I'll have to increase the carer visits to check on her while I'm away. I'm not sure I'd get a respite place for one night, but even if I did it wouldn't be worth the distress it would cause her for one night.

    I keep on plodding but always with the anxiety of worrying about mum -it never goes away
     
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Sometimes I think I am on the wrong forum, I see the 'inbetween' in caring....pro's versus real carers and I think to myself if one half could see the other halfs dilemmas it would all even out.

    I have unfolded a very sad story today about restraint, but how can I get the message over wthout resorting to difficult cases?

    I am tired and need to go to bed, I am a weary soul today, with nothing left to say other than good night my fellow TP colleagues...tomorrow is always another day xx
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    I hope you sleep well
    xx
     
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Up at 05:00 today -couldn't sleep.

    My car of 21 years standing is about to go to the breakers yard as the repair bill outweighs keeping it. This is difficult, because originally it was mums old car (I bought it of her in 2004) and she remembers it even now, so I am trying to not take her with me to remove items I want back and handover the log book. Sad day, such a great car over the years and sentimental too. The new car doesn't arrive until next week so its a hire car until then a new Nissan Juke, looks good but no umph under the bonnet.

    The previous night mum wouldn't go to bed until 1am and I was virtually in tears having worked 12.5 hrs and got home at 11pm. Eventually I just went to bed having to be up at 6am again and then I heard her bedroom door close -phew!

    I'm off for three days, graduation on Friday and I can't get into my suite -It seems to have shrunk somewhat....ahem. For now it will have to be trousers, shirt, tie and jacket as the new car has swallowed any spare money I have this month.

    Mum has got up this morning and is now hiding upstairs as she can hear me downstairs and has mistaken me for the carers moving round...better go and say hello
     
  10. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Well thats it the old car is signed over for scrap :(

    The new car below, and it had better be as reliable as the old one, otherwise they'll be trouble at mill....

    e01_md.jpg
     
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    Looks lovely :)
     
  12. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Tonight mum has asked if we can out to the Carlton Club. This is a club mum used to go to in the late 1950's and early 1960's to play cards and various games at that. Mum is somewhat of an expert at poker, crib, and black jack. I've told her that the Carlton Club no longer exists so she's asked if can go and play cards somewhere else -my answer ...NO! -no gambling rule. So her next lined up question was 'can we go to the pub and play darts?'. Yes we can mum, but only if we can find somewhere that stills allows darts. All of the pubs we used to go no longer have darts boards or darts -they have all become posh dining places. I'm glad in a way, because mum is also an amazing darts player, and she will simply thrash me even though she has Alzheimer's. The only pub left with anything fun wise is one up the road -karaoke night tonight......not sure if she'll be ok...but we can try it, and if they have a darts board she'll be ok
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    She might like the karaoke - music will often engage people with dementia.
    Have a good time!
     
  14. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    We went early stayed for an hour and came home, she soon gets tired but she enjoyed it and some how a light came on inside.

    Simon: What would you like to drink mum?
    Mum: Pint of brown ale, a packet of salted crisps and a pack of cashews
    Simon: They don't serve brown ale anymore mum, how about carling half pint?
    Mum: yes that sounds nice, and a packet of salted crisps and a pack of cashews

    I don't let her near wine anymore, it goes straight to her head.
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad you had a good time. An hour sounds fine. Perhaps you could do it again?

    PS this made me laugh
    Youve got the knack!
     
  16. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Yes I've become wise to her ;)
     
  17. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    529
    Female
    High Peak
    And did either of you perform...? :)
     
  18. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    Mum didn't because she didn't want to try and she has never been to karaoke in her life before. I sang two songs I haven't sang in a long time, God Bless the Child by Billie Holiday and One Day I'll Fly Away, Moulin Rouge -both songs easily sang by male voice as well.

    I did get a little emotional singing the second one, one day I will fly away. Memories of our local karaoke club and old friends in Shoreditch East London every Friday night :)
     
  19. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    969
    Male
    North West
    I think I chose One day I'll Fly Away because of the words, more than anything:

    [Verse]
    I follow the night
    Can't stand the light
    When will I begin
    To live again?

    [Chorus]
    One day I'll fly away
    Leave all this to yesterday
    What more could your love do for me?
    When will love be through with me?
    Why live life from dream to dream
    And dread the day when dreaming ends?

    [Interlude]

    [Chorus]
    One day I'll fly away
    Leave all this to yesterday
    Why live life from dream to dream
    And dread the day when dreaming ends?

    [Outro]
    One day I'll fly away
    Fly, fly away
     
  20. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    Very poignant Simon
     

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