A life in the day of.........................

[Grannie G]

I got up a t 5a.m., couldn`t sleep, and went back to bed at 7a.m.

D half awake, `I`ve lost my way. I don`t know where I am.`
S `You are at home with me.`
D `What is this place?`
S `It`s our home.`
D `But what is the name of this place.`
S `B**********.`
D `I`ve got to get to Manchester. I`ve got to get a job. I`ve got no money. I`ve got to work.`
S `You don`t need to work. You are retired.`
D `How do I get my money?`
S `You have a pension.`
and he was sleeping....................

Then he got up and I heard him walking up and down, backwards and forwards and then it was quiet.
And I got up and went to find him. He was sitting with his head in his hands.
And I put my arms round him and asked what was wrong.

D `I will have to commit suicide like this.`
S `I am going to get help. I can`t cope any more.`
D `I have lost everything. You don`t need help. You have taken everything from me.`
S `What have I taken?`
D `You have taken my wallet, my bankbook, I can`t find anything.`
S `Because you are always hiding things. I will find it for you.`

And after a short search, I found his wallet under the cushion of one chair and his paying in book under the cushion of another chair, and while I was searching I was in tears.

And he said, `I know this is my home. I know I will stay here with you. What are you crying for? You are all right. I am losing my mind, not you.`

And I`m past caring.

 

[Brucie]

Unfortunately, desperation is nature's way of pushing us up another step.

You've been doing a job that, even to seasoned carers, is absolutely daunting.

I remember being at home with Jan and thinking "at some stage I won't be able to go on, but I'm going to try until I drop". In our case, attempting to sort things through assessment changed the situation so I didn't get to the dropping point.

At an earlier stage I had started to try to get her sectioned, but was advised that wouldn't be nice.

There is just so much a person can take, until finally, something has to be done as an emergency. It is better, if at all possible, to pre-empt that, and try to make a softer landing than might otherwise be the case.

And I`m past caring.

Of course, we know you and you are not - but you are exhausted. I think that we have to get to that point of feeling past caring - ones own self preservation instincts step in - and that in some way enables us to take the step of standing back a little, and reviewing the situation and its options more objectively, before wading back in again.

Take care

 

[Grannie G]

Thank you Bruce.
He has agreed to seek medical help so I`m trying to contact the consultant today.
I will let you know.
Love xx

 

[daughter]

Dear Sylvia,

I know this is not anywhere near to a solution, but I wonder if you have considered the option of a Day Centre?

When Dad started to go to the Day Centre it gave Mum those few hours break that she desperately needed but was so reluctant to take. I can't say that she ever completely relaxed but at least she was able to re-charge her batteries.

Dad went on lots of outings at the Day Centre and had some social contact, it seemed to be good for him too. He was unaware of his condition but perhaps Dhiren would go along if he knew it was for your sake?

Love from,

 

[Grannie G]

Thank you Hazel, but there`s no way my husband would go to a Day Centre. He still thinks his condition is due to our relocation 5 years ago, and that`s why he`s so obssessed with Manchester. He feels if he went back, all his problems would be over.

He won`t even talk to anyone who comes to the house, he goes in another room. So he doesn`t even have a hope of getting to know a home carer. They are for others, not for him.

The bigger problem is he`s confusing Manchester with India. The first 25 years of his life were in India, the next 45 years were in Manchester and the last 5 years here. So in Manchester, he thinks he`s returning to the family of his childhood, where he was living with an extended family and there was always someone there for him.

But thank you for caring. xx

 

[Whiskas]

Hope you get some help today Sylvia, thinking of you.
Cathyxx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Sylvia, good luck today. Thinking of you and sending you love, Deborah x

 

[blue sea]

Thinking of you, Sylvia, and hoping you can find a way forward that releases the pressure on you.
Blue sea

 

[jude1950]

Hi Sylvia,

I am crying with you....Today is the day the CPN is coming to discuss where we go from here in caring for JIm, my daughter will be with me and Jim's daughter only...I have spoken with Jim's two son's who live away and they support me in whatever decision I make about there father's care... it still does not make things any easier I miss Jim terribly I want him safe but I cannot go on any more .

It is appalling that in this day and age we carers are virtually abandoned to our fate until there is a crisis...

I am thinking of you please get some help for your own health's sake.

love Judith

 

[Grannie G]

Thank you Judith,

I hope upon hope the CPN will be supportive and give you the right advice.

We have an appointment with the Consultant Psychiatrist on Friday, so I can`t complain.

Fingers crossed for all of us. xx

 

[Grannie G]

I have just had a phone call from the local Railway Station. Guess who`s there, trying to buy a ticket to Manchester.

They are trying to be as kind as possible but he will not take `no` for an answer.
They are telling him no trains are running and he doesn`t believe them.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Dear Sylvia,
Not the train again! But at least the staff are being very nice about it & contacting you.

I so wish Dhiren some serenity, as that would give you serenity.

Joanne

 

[Grannie G]

He arrived home in a fair frame of mind, I trod carefully, just in case.

S `Would you like some lunch?`
D `Yes please.`
S whilst making lunch, `Did you have a good walk?`
D `Yes. I went to the seaside. It was quiet, no crowds, the season is over.`

Ate lunch.

S `Would you like to see if anything`s happening at the Bandstand, or are you too tired?`
D `I`m not tired, I`m fine, let`s go.`
S `OK. I`ll tidy up first and get changed then we`ll go.`
D `Let`s have lunch first.`
S `You`ve had lunch. Are you still hungry? I`ll make you some more.`
D `No. I`m greedy. I forgot.`

So he went to watch the Athletics while I tidied up, and came to me and said.....
D` I`ve got an idea.`
S `What`s that?`
D `Would you like to go to Manchester for a little holiday?`
S ` That`s a good idea, but I have to lose some weight first and get a bit fitter.`
D `There`s no hurry. When will you be ready? Next month? Next year?`
S `I think I`ll be fit and slim and well by next year.`
D `That`s great. And after Manchester we can go to China, and then we can go to India and see the Taj Mahal again.`
S `We can go wherever you want, as long as I`m well enough.`
D `I can`t wait. I`m ready now.`

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Sylvia, what a trial for you. I hope you still get to the bandstand today and are able to 'divert' D's attention for a little while, whilst enjoying the entertainment yourself. Thinking of you, Deborah x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Deborah and Joanne.

Nothing doing at the bandstand today, but at least we had a walk. It wasn`t very companionable though, Dhiren didn`t stop grumbling about `this place`.

I ended up snapping at him and saying I`d go out by myself in future. After 2 minutes he had obviously forgotten he had grumbled and said something really nice, definitely with no ulterior motive.

That is the hardest, reading his moods. It`s impossible.

I`ll have to wait till Friday, to see if anything can be done to make it easier.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Good luck for Friday, Sylvia. I hope they come up with something to help.

(Copied your idea, and phoned for an appointment.)

Love,

 

[Canadian Joanne]

There is no reading the moods, as there is no continuity to the moods. It's like trying to catch bubbles or one of my cats when they've been bad!

But it does leave a bad taste in our minds, even if our loved ones have moved on to something else & are in a good mood. We almost need a little memory loss to cope with it ourselves.

Love,

 

[Grannie G]

Joanne, you are so right. Thank you for understanding, xx

 

[Nell]

Dear Sylvia,
I was so pleased to read that you had printed out 5 pages of your TP diary and sent it to the doctor. Is this the person you are seeing on Friday? If not, I think you should take it to that doctor as well.

Your TP diary shows, like nothing else I've seen anywhere, the true nature of dementia. I can only hope you find some help with the doc. on Friday.

You are such a caring person for us all, and I know we all wish we could show you the same depth of care and support you offer all of us.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[elaineo2]

good luck on friday sylvia,you and everyone else have been so good to me.such good advice you give,take care love elainex