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A life in the day of.........................

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Grannie G, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    7.30a.m. Woke in a `mood`.

    Got up, washed and shaved, refused my breakfast but helped himself to cereal, went out for the Papers.

    Came home, vacced, asked me why I was grumpy, wasn`t happy with my answer, went out again.

    Came home in a state. Hot, breathless, unsteady, in a panic. Had bought a return train ticket to Manchester and realized he only needed a single, as he wasn`t coming back.

    I tried to calm him, but he kept backing away, saying he was frightened of me and had to get away.

    He was sobbing, distraught, his life is over, he is a coward, unable to end it all.

    Calmed down after about an hour, and insisted on going back to the station for a refund. I tried to follow, but leg problem came back with a vengeance, so I couldn`t move fast enough.

    Came home with a refund form, as he had been unable to fill it in himself. By this time he decided he wanted a full refund on the return ticket.

    I filled in the form, and said I`d go tomorrow. No. It had to be done today or we would lose the money, £78. There was no reasoning with him.

    So I went on the bus, got the refund and came home. All the time, the pain in my leg was increasing.

    When I got home, he was watering the new plants as bright as a button. Said he was a new man, felt fine and asked why I was limping.

    So once again, all is well.

    *************************************************************

    While he was out, our neighbour called. Dhiren had gone next door a couple of evenings ago, when I thought he had gone for a walk, at 9pm.

    He asked our neighbour how he could find Estate Agents, he had to sell the house and return to India.

    The `girl next door` was driving him mad, she was on the computer all the time and using too much electricity, he was frightened of her.

    He asked if he could phone the agents from their house, in private.

    *****************************************************************
    I don`t want him to be frightened of me.
     
  2. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    As sad as this story is, and as stressful as it must be for you, at least he did not actually board the train to Manchester and is now there lost and confused.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Thank you Natasha, Every cloud has a silver lining.:)
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    It must be heartbreaking Sylvia. I hope this doesn't sound flippant, but the other part of that silver lining is that you are now "the girl". :)

    Can't give you any suggestions of course. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

    Love

    Jennifer
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sylvia

    Not sure about silver linings, your skies must look pretty black just now. There aren't any answers, are there?

    Just sending you lots of sympathy and love,
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Thanks Jennifer and Hazel, I haven`t been called a girl for a long time.

    P.S. He has just offered to find me a `nice young man` to replace the worn out him, when he goes `home`.
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oh my, lucky you! He definitely sees you as the girl next door.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I won`t shatter your illusions with my reply.
     
  9. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I wonder if dementia sufferers have a particular problem with computers, as I guess for many sufferers they are something they didnt know about pre dementia days.
    About a year ago when my mother still lived in her bunglaow I used to take mine when I visited her. It upset her so much I had to stop, she would become really distressed about "that thing" in her house, even when I tried to show her pictures of her grandchildren on it.
    Even now, if I inadvertantly mention it or she happens to see one in the homes offices she gets very frightened. ..and yet she doesnt react to small lcd televisions, mobile phones, or any of the other new technology.
     
  10. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I think you will find that many people who have dementia will tend to steer away from things they know they can't 'do'.

    Computers represent a huge 'cannot do' area for them, whether or not they have ever used them. I'm not sure it matters whether they have forgotten how to use them, or never used them in the first place.

    The computer represents something that may be totally beyond their ability, at a certain stage of the dementia.

    The temptation for us is to try and 'train' them to do simple things with the PC [or indeed with anything], but this simply reinforces their confusion and lack of confidence.

    Anger, confusion, upset, etc may typically be their response.

    All just my interpretation, of course...
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I think there is some resentment regarding lost skills, and new skills they are unable to master. All that isolates them from the real world, increases their loss of self esteem and lowers their self confidence even further.
     
  12. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I'll have the nice young man if you don't want him Sylvia! :D
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    John used to use a computer, and still has one upstairs. He hasn't used it for years, but won't let me get rid of it because he 'might want to use it one day'!

    He often asks me what I'm doing on mine, but I thinks his only problem is that he thinks I should be spending the time entertaining him. He constantly asks me when the next meal is, when bedtime is, etc. He's bored, and he wants attention, just like a child.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I often feel guilty for spending so much time on the computer, but it`s my only outlet, sad though it seems.

    If I do sit with Dhiren, he begins to read his little booklets of famous speeches, free with the Guardian, the book of Genius, free with the Observer, or the papers themselves. He is determined to stimulate his brain with his reading but doesn`t realize how many times he reads the same texts.

    If we talk, I get a repetition of the same questions, and my son`s comment, in his email today,

    quote….we kept having the same conversation repeated with a minimal delay (school..is Grace top of the class…? etc). quote

    shows he finds the same.
     
  15. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Sylvia, if there is a medal for endurance, I think it should be coming your way with bells on. So sorry to read this thread. Thank goodness you got Dhiren and the money back. Those repetitive questions will stop one day, but they are so wearing when they happen. Thinking of you and wishing you well as ever. Love Deborah
     
  16. Loulee

    Loulee Registered User

    Jan 9, 2007
    10
    Suffolk
    You are a little star Grannie G

    I know precisely what you are going through!!

    Went round early morning to find house like a sauna (insisted keeping house at 30 degrees despite sunny hot day outside).

    Nan in summer dress won't put on a tracksuit "not wearing that" (only wears one of 2 dresses all the time).

    Kindly point out that by jove it's jolly hot here I need the heat off and I will make her warm in lounge.

    Nan refuses, freezing cold wants fire on as well as heating.
    ................................................................................................................................

    Turned heat off as I feel faint.

    Put video on to take mind off it, get her hot drink, blanket, cardigan, put fire on, however very angry at me gets up and turns heat on.

    Video turned off and thrown on floor and demanded fire off.

    Then get pushed several times around house and sworn at (really horrible and abusive language), no reasoning with her told I am waste of space and shouldn't be here.

    Retreat to garden I can still keep an eye on her here.
    .................................................................................................................................

    Ask her to calm down and talk to me, I want to help her, get pushed out the way.

    Doors, cupboards are slammed loudly.

    This bad mood goes on for 2 hours, eventually calms down as I offer to do her nails for her.

    I feel massively guilty for turning heat off but it gets so dreadfully hot and it makes me feel quite ill.

    Everything is ok now at least she is happy her nails are done I made a good job of those.
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    How the girl next door now ? :)
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    The girl next door`s Ok thanks Margarita, but her husband is a bit strange.

    I can`t explain it, but he seems to have shrunk somehow. He is sitting by the gas fire, with a blanket over him because he is chilly. It`s like an oven in there. I`ve taken him a cup of tea and asked him what time he wants to go to bed, and he said `when the fire goes out`. So he`s back in the days of a coal fire. We haven`t had a coal fire since 1970.
     
  19. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    aw

    Well, maybe you can just turn it off and he will think it went out by itself or he will wait a long time.
    I wonder from some of ur postings if Dhiren has deteriorated a bit recently ?
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I think he has, but then he can be so rational, I doubt my thinking.

    It`s as if each crisis is a watershed, then things are better for a while.

    We are seeing the consultant on Thursday. He has brought the 4 monthly appointment forwards, as I have asked for a review of his anti-depressants, and for a letter to say he understand the implications of the mutual EPA, which I am still trying to get sorted.

    But that`s another story................
     
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