I'm glad you're staying upbeat in the face of the silent treatment - keep it up and enjoy your window shopping!
My Mum is killing me..........
- Thread starter Ang57
- Start date
What a wonderful thread. I was shocked when I read your opening post, but now there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Well done for getting stronger and turning things around. Keep going. All good wishes to you
Well done for getting stronger and turning things around. Keep going. All good wishes to you
My mind is suddenly in overdrive.............
I cannot stop thinking about the advise to look after Mum's and Dad's 'needs', but to work in their 'wants' around myself too......
The problem I'm having is, considering that I see them as terrible parents.......... I've started to think about what 'wants' and 'needs' were met for me by them when I was a baby/child/ early teens...........
I see them now as children again...... it's the only way I feel I cope......... BUT.......... it has, for some reason made me feel that I need to look into issues that I have about their parenting, that I have never had the 'guts' to talk about to them........ and of course now it's too late since they both suffer with dementia ...........
It has led to my wondering if as a baby/child what I still feel, at 54, I 'needed', was purely a 'want' on my part............. namely, to feel loved and worthwhile .......... appreciated, wanted............ instead of the pain I've always believed I was until illness kicked in with them and then Hey Presto, I was no longer surplus to their requirements.......
I've not been sleeping much at all, I keep churning it over and over in my mind.... because I've always felt emotionally abandoned by my parents........ but here I am......... alive and kicking.......... so they must have fulfilled my needs......... my question in my mind that will not leave me is should feeling loved and wanted be a 'need', or a 'want' on my part when I was small and growing into teenage year???
I have never liked my parents much for how they have made me feel, but perhaps I'm the one that is wrong............ and I should have just got over it by now??????
I cannot stop thinking about the advise to look after Mum's and Dad's 'needs', but to work in their 'wants' around myself too......
The problem I'm having is, considering that I see them as terrible parents.......... I've started to think about what 'wants' and 'needs' were met for me by them when I was a baby/child/ early teens...........
I see them now as children again...... it's the only way I feel I cope......... BUT.......... it has, for some reason made me feel that I need to look into issues that I have about their parenting, that I have never had the 'guts' to talk about to them........ and of course now it's too late since they both suffer with dementia ...........
It has led to my wondering if as a baby/child what I still feel, at 54, I 'needed', was purely a 'want' on my part............. namely, to feel loved and worthwhile .......... appreciated, wanted............ instead of the pain I've always believed I was until illness kicked in with them and then Hey Presto, I was no longer surplus to their requirements.......
I've not been sleeping much at all, I keep churning it over and over in my mind.... because I've always felt emotionally abandoned by my parents........ but here I am......... alive and kicking.......... so they must have fulfilled my needs......... my question in my mind that will not leave me is should feeling loved and wanted be a 'need', or a 'want' on my part when I was small and growing into teenage year???
I have never liked my parents much for how they have made me feel, but perhaps I'm the one that is wrong............ and I should have just got over it by now??????
I think being 'loved' is a need
Everyone needs it, even if it's just from your pet cat/dog.
Being loved by parents is something many of us take for granted. Having it denied must certainly have an effect on you.
Everyone needs it, even if it's just from your pet cat/dog.
Being loved by parents is something many of us take for granted. Having it denied must certainly have an effect on you.
BIG, BIG questions Ang. Emotional needs are most certainly NOT just wants, IMHO. Have you come across Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs? I'll put in a couple of links to give you a flavour of the theory:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
In essence, we are all striving to be as complete and fulfilled as we can be, but life often gets in the way. In particular, if people who should be helping us meet our emotional needs are lacking in this respect, it is harder to be happy and complete. How can we really respect ourselves when the people closest to us don't appear to do so? Duh, obvious eh? Well not as simple as it sounds, otherwise no-one would probably get beyond the first level or two. Other people must have had a positive influence on you, and your own strength of character shines through what you write here, so although your parents might have hampered your development you have survived and thrived despite this.
When you get your counsellor I hope you can work through these extremely painful issues and eventually see yourself as the big strong adult, and feel that your parents are less important to your current emotional needs. The past can never be undone but it can be looked at differently. Please excuse me if I appear to be playing pop psychologist. I would never mean to minimise past or present pain by suggesting that behavioural theories are the answer to everything. They are just tools for exploring your emotional landscape.
Katrine x
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
In essence, we are all striving to be as complete and fulfilled as we can be, but life often gets in the way. In particular, if people who should be helping us meet our emotional needs are lacking in this respect, it is harder to be happy and complete. How can we really respect ourselves when the people closest to us don't appear to do so? Duh, obvious eh? Well not as simple as it sounds, otherwise no-one would probably get beyond the first level or two. Other people must have had a positive influence on you, and your own strength of character shines through what you write here, so although your parents might have hampered your development you have survived and thrived despite this.
When you get your counsellor I hope you can work through these extremely painful issues and eventually see yourself as the big strong adult, and feel that your parents are less important to your current emotional needs. The past can never be undone but it can be looked at differently. Please excuse me if I appear to be playing pop psychologist. I would never mean to minimise past or present pain by suggesting that behavioural theories are the answer to everything. They are just tools for exploring your emotional landscape.
Katrine x
I don't like my mum and am living with her as her carer ! ? !
Whether I like her or not, she is my flesh and blood.
She brought me into the world and I have made the decision to try my best to support her as she leaves the world ! It is this thought of me doing the right thing that gives me strength. No matter how she treat me as a child, or treats me now, I RISE ABOVE IT ALL and gain enormous personal satisfaction that I can be so strong; my mum always put me down.
Some may say I am doing it to prove a point......too ruddy right I am !
My hubby has taught me to meet trouble, rise above it and gain personal satisfaction.
I try and treat mum as a job and take out the personal family feelings side of it. I look at her as a lovely old lady who has needs and wants. When she has a need she gets it, when she has a want, I take longer to think about her wants and even post on here for advice.
Not everybody can find these strengths and some may argue it could cause damage to you personally trying to find them. It works for me, so just wanted to share my experience with you.
Whether I like her or not, she is my flesh and blood.
She brought me into the world and I have made the decision to try my best to support her as she leaves the world ! It is this thought of me doing the right thing that gives me strength. No matter how she treat me as a child, or treats me now, I RISE ABOVE IT ALL and gain enormous personal satisfaction that I can be so strong; my mum always put me down.
Some may say I am doing it to prove a point......too ruddy right I am !
My hubby has taught me to meet trouble, rise above it and gain personal satisfaction.
I try and treat mum as a job and take out the personal family feelings side of it. I look at her as a lovely old lady who has needs and wants. When she has a need she gets it, when she has a want, I take longer to think about her wants and even post on here for advice.
Not everybody can find these strengths and some may argue it could cause damage to you personally trying to find them. It works for me, so just wanted to share my experience with you.
I'm still trying to understand
Ok Katrine
I will read and read and read again your first link, and then I will do the same with the second link........
However, I have to say that it is heavy reading for me right now, considering my head feels completely bashed in by attempting to work this out for myself.........
I am working through the text again to attempt to reply with some sort of meaning that actually makes sense.......
So, of course I received food, water and air, plus clothing and shelter, I left home at 16, but from the age of 12, I worked and provided all of my own clothes but didn't provide towards my shelter.... I was given a free reign to do as I pleased until 12 midnight from the same age, Mum and Dad likes to go out 7 nights a week........ so I wouldn't consider my safety was paramount on their list... and I was as baby and young child passed from pillar to post so that Mum could work, eventually being brought up by my Grandparents the majority of the time...... My parents fell out at least once a week, and Mum sulked then as she does now...... so Dad picked on me (including many hits across the face), knowing Mum would then speak to him so that he would stop treating me badly.......
Mum had no patience with me, and because I didn't take to potty training as well as she expected me to ......... she almost killed me once with anger, and my Grandma had to make her stop the attack......... and I used to hide behind a chair every time I saw my Mum and wet myself with fear of her anger........
I am sorry......... I have stopped referring to your first link now, because I just need to say how it was............... apologies, but I will re-visit your links..........
At the age of 13, it wasn't too serious, but my other grandad on my Dad's side abused me sexually, nothing drastic, just kept touching my boobs...... at the time I just kept thinking he cannot mean anything by it, he's my Grandad, but one day he moved between my legs and then I knew.......... I told my Mum....... and she just told me to keep away from him in the future........
This was all before I was 16........
I'm unsure what that says about me...... but I'm blooming sure it says that Mum was so busy with her own life........... I was given the needs..... but never protected........
This is why I struggle so much with her now........ the woman has never had a maternal bone in her body......... only eyes for Dad...........
Sorry.......... sorry........... for pouring all this out, but I know it's why I cannot be compassionate towards her, and do what I do as a duty........
My role now has completely mashed my brain........
Ok Katrine
I will read and read and read again your first link, and then I will do the same with the second link........
However, I have to say that it is heavy reading for me right now, considering my head feels completely bashed in by attempting to work this out for myself.........
I am working through the text again to attempt to reply with some sort of meaning that actually makes sense.......
So, of course I received food, water and air, plus clothing and shelter, I left home at 16, but from the age of 12, I worked and provided all of my own clothes but didn't provide towards my shelter.... I was given a free reign to do as I pleased until 12 midnight from the same age, Mum and Dad likes to go out 7 nights a week........ so I wouldn't consider my safety was paramount on their list... and I was as baby and young child passed from pillar to post so that Mum could work, eventually being brought up by my Grandparents the majority of the time...... My parents fell out at least once a week, and Mum sulked then as she does now...... so Dad picked on me (including many hits across the face), knowing Mum would then speak to him so that he would stop treating me badly.......
Mum had no patience with me, and because I didn't take to potty training as well as she expected me to ......... she almost killed me once with anger, and my Grandma had to make her stop the attack......... and I used to hide behind a chair every time I saw my Mum and wet myself with fear of her anger........
I am sorry......... I have stopped referring to your first link now, because I just need to say how it was............... apologies, but I will re-visit your links..........
At the age of 13, it wasn't too serious, but my other grandad on my Dad's side abused me sexually, nothing drastic, just kept touching my boobs...... at the time I just kept thinking he cannot mean anything by it, he's my Grandad, but one day he moved between my legs and then I knew.......... I told my Mum....... and she just told me to keep away from him in the future........
This was all before I was 16........
I'm unsure what that says about me...... but I'm blooming sure it says that Mum was so busy with her own life........... I was given the needs..... but never protected........
This is why I struggle so much with her now........ the woman has never had a maternal bone in her body......... only eyes for Dad...........
Sorry.......... sorry........... for pouring all this out, but I know it's why I cannot be compassionate towards her, and do what I do as a duty........
My role now has completely mashed my brain........
PS.......... I forgot to say that from the age of 13 it was my role to do all of the housework and cooking in my school holidays.......... I was never allowed out to mix with friends......... and friends were never allowed across the doorstep...........
I used to be scared to death in the evenings left alone in the house........ but they needed to go out and enjoy in the evenings......... 7 evenings each week.........
And sometimes till the early hours........ they knew how frightened I was...... but chose to ignore it........
I used to be scared to death in the evenings left alone in the house........ but they needed to go out and enjoy in the evenings......... 7 evenings each week.........
And sometimes till the early hours........ they knew how frightened I was...... but chose to ignore it........
Dear Ang, from your painfully honest posts, sharing details with us of your childhood, it seems that even the 2nd level in the [Heirarchy of Needs] pyramid, the safety needs, was not met, and certainly the 3rd level of social needs within the family was not. This is heavy duty stuff.
To answer your earlier question, no your most basic needs were not met. These are all things at a level of need not want, and most people take them for granted. Yes all the abuse was serious - you may have minimised it in words to 'just touching' or face slapping, or whatever, in order to get through it, but if you can't trust the people who should protect you (including your mum and dad) - well, that's making you unsafe both physically and emotionally. Yes it was serious.
I cannot imagine how I would still want to care for a mother who had neglected me that much, and you are truly admirable. I suppose you may say that you don't know how NOT to continue to care for your parents, particularly as the need to be loved and accepted will always be there, even as an adult. You have to work through whether you stay with your mum because you are still hoping that one day she will respond in the way you wish (and need). You could still have some role in looking after her without living with her.
I don't want to go on and on because I sense that you feel I am telling you to do things, including reading stuff on the Internet and that was not my intention. It was just something to look at when you feel you want to reflect on what 'needs' really means.
I have seen how people respond to seeing that model for the first time when they've not had an easy life. It is a shock to see how much of what most people take for granted did not happen in the past, but then gradually you can look at it in terms of "Hey, perhaps I am entitled to be treated so much better, I'm not being greedy or unreasonable to think that I should."
I am sending you my love, and know that everyone else here does so too. Katrine x
To answer your earlier question, no your most basic needs were not met. These are all things at a level of need not want, and most people take them for granted. Yes all the abuse was serious - you may have minimised it in words to 'just touching' or face slapping, or whatever, in order to get through it, but if you can't trust the people who should protect you (including your mum and dad) - well, that's making you unsafe both physically and emotionally. Yes it was serious.
I cannot imagine how I would still want to care for a mother who had neglected me that much, and you are truly admirable. I suppose you may say that you don't know how NOT to continue to care for your parents, particularly as the need to be loved and accepted will always be there, even as an adult. You have to work through whether you stay with your mum because you are still hoping that one day she will respond in the way you wish (and need). You could still have some role in looking after her without living with her.
I don't want to go on and on because I sense that you feel I am telling you to do things, including reading stuff on the Internet
and that was not my intention. It was just something to look at when you feel you want to reflect on what 'needs' really means. I have seen how people respond to seeing that model for the first time when they've not had an easy life. It is a shock to see how much of what most people take for granted did not happen in the past, but then gradually you can look at it in terms of "Hey, perhaps I am entitled to be treated so much better, I'm not being greedy or unreasonable to think that I should."
I am sending you my love, and know that everyone else here does so too. Katrine x
Hollycat, I do wish I could be like you, that strong, but I'm afraid I am not. I cannot see Mum as a job, because despite everything, I do still care. I cannot emotionally distance myself from Mum and Dad as you have managed to do. I sometimes wish I could!!
Katrine, please do not feel that I thought I felt I had to read your threads. I don't think you are telling me to do anything..... and I honestly cannot say how much I have appreciated your posts.......... you have knowledge that I do not....... and I want that knowledge, strange as it may sound it can put my mind at rest. Because I have always wondered if my feeling I was not brought up correctly, and that my needs were not met, was me just being stupid.....
So, I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand, and for finally putting my mind at rest. Childhood memories have played on my mind for far too long....... it is like you have given me closure at last. Thank you very much............ you will never know how grateful I am............
Katrine, please do not feel that I thought I felt I had to read your threads. I don't think you are telling me to do anything..... and I honestly cannot say how much I have appreciated your posts.......... you have knowledge that I do not....... and I want that knowledge, strange as it may sound it can put my mind at rest. Because I have always wondered if my feeling I was not brought up correctly, and that my needs were not met, was me just being stupid.....
So, I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand, and for finally putting my mind at rest. Childhood memories have played on my mind for far too long....... it is like you have given me closure at last. Thank you very much............ you will never know how grateful I am............
Hi ange and thanks for reply
I honestly know I AM NOT that strong, I have just taken the decision to become as STUBBORN as my mother.
However, I don't target my stubborness AT or AGAINST my mum, rather I target my stubborn attitude at MY CURRENT LIFESTYLE and refuse to allow anything to beat me.
To have come through what you have come through in your life, PLEASE trust me when I pay you the compliment that you are stronger than me, honest.
Thanks again for reply Ange
x x x x
I honestly know I AM NOT that strong, I have just taken the decision to become as STUBBORN as my mother.
However, I don't target my stubborness AT or AGAINST my mum, rather I target my stubborn attitude at MY CURRENT LIFESTYLE and refuse to allow anything to beat me.
To have come through what you have come through in your life, PLEASE trust me when I pay you the compliment that you are stronger than me, honest.
Thanks again for reply Ange
x x x x
I'm so sorry Hollycat that I don't know your name.
I can really relate to you deciding to become as stubborn as your Mum. That is exactly what I have done for the first time during the last 2 days. But like you..... in order to survive a difficult life, that appears relentless and a never ending battle, I've had to do in order to remain sane!!! I suspect that you are doing exactly the same for the same reasons.
I have to say that this site and the wonderful people on it, like you are the major part of my lifeline!!!
x x x x x
I can really relate to you deciding to become as stubborn as your Mum. That is exactly what I have done for the first time during the last 2 days. But like you..... in order to survive a difficult life, that appears relentless and a never ending battle, I've had to do in order to remain sane!!! I suspect that you are doing exactly the same for the same reasons.
I have to say that this site and the wonderful people on it, like you are the major part of my lifeline!!!
x x x x x
What would happen if you weren't around or needed to go into hospital? Help would be immediately available. Sounds like you need this help NOW before you have a complete breakdown. Get some help, from whoever is already involved or if no one is involved yet, ring social services and tell them that she is in need of help that you aren't able to give at the moment. You need to step back for a while and choose what (if anything) you are able to do for your mum. Don't be concerned about what people think - they've seen it all before - and they will deal with the situation. This advice was given to me a few months ago, as my relationship with my mother sounds similar in many ways to yours, and it has helped me to make my own choices with regard to helping my mother, without feeling that I am constantly on the end of a piece of string and out of control.
HTH. Thinking about you. xx
HTH. Thinking about you. xx
Hello again Ang
I've just been away for a week and yours was one of the first threads I wanted to catch up on; really pleased to see you're still handling the situation so well.
I can honestly say that I am even more in awe of your wish to continue looking after your mum considering the childhood you had.
I feel strongly that there is a different relationship between parent and child and vice versa. A parent should love a child unconditionally; I don't think that applies in reverse. Love and respect for a parent by a child is not a given; it has to be earned.
So your mother should be counting her blessings at having such a kind and considerate daughter. You're a better person than me.
PS What we're all dying to know..how's the belly dancing? Have you started yet?
I've just been away for a week and yours was one of the first threads I wanted to catch up on; really pleased to see you're still handling the situation so well.
I can honestly say that I am even more in awe of your wish to continue looking after your mum considering the childhood you had.
I feel strongly that there is a different relationship between parent and child and vice versa. A parent should love a child unconditionally; I don't think that applies in reverse. Love and respect for a parent by a child is not a given; it has to be earned.
So your mother should be counting her blessings at having such a kind and considerate daughter. You're a better person than me.
PS What we're all dying to know..how's the belly dancing? Have you started yet?
Hi Chemmy
Alas, I didn't make the belly dancing, Mum was not too well and I didn't feel she should be left, so I've enquired if I'm able to start this week instead, and am currently waiting a phone call, it was a set 10 week course, so I would already be behind now. But I have found a back up of salsa dancing if not, and in fairness the salsa is more flexible because it's on at different local venues several times each week, and can be joined at any time too..... PLUS THEY HOLD PARTY NIGHTS NOW AND AGAIN...... Dance has been the love of my life for many years, and is my ultimate enjoyment that keeps me fit too, so in honesty, if I can get out dancing, any dancing is wonderful!!!!!!!!
But Mum's friend sat with her on Saturday night for a couple of hours while I visited my old dance school (Ballroom & Latin American).......... and I had the time of my life!!!! It was just what the doctor would have ordered!!!!! Just getting out for a couple of hours without a care in the world has helped me so much....
So, I'm not giving up on me........... watch this space!!!!!!!!
Alas, I didn't make the belly dancing, Mum was not too well and I didn't feel she should be left, so I've enquired if I'm able to start this week instead, and am currently waiting a phone call, it was a set 10 week course, so I would already be behind now. But I have found a back up of salsa dancing if not, and in fairness the salsa is more flexible because it's on at different local venues several times each week, and can be joined at any time too..... PLUS THEY HOLD PARTY NIGHTS NOW AND AGAIN...... Dance has been the love of my life for many years, and is my ultimate enjoyment that keeps me fit too, so in honesty, if I can get out dancing, any dancing is wonderful!!!!!!!!
But Mum's friend sat with her on Saturday night for a couple of hours while I visited my old dance school (Ballroom & Latin American).......... and I had the time of my life!!!! It was just what the doctor would have ordered!!!!! Just getting out for a couple of hours without a care in the world has helped me so much....
So, I'm not giving up on me........... watch this space!!!!!!!!
Glad to hear that Nobody puts Ang in a corner
That strange rumbling noise is the collective groans from TP members
Hi, well said.......... I say this because i am 55 i am a widow, so on my own i gave up my house to move in with mum she has AZ i had nursed my dad for 10years previous with vascular dementia he died. My mum was never a nice person before her alzheimers so we have very similar stories i can't leave her at at all i also feel trapped
I hated it at first i have been here now for 8 years i felt as though i belonged nowhere. i was sad and yes i had feelings like yours but now i treat it like a job, my mum does not know me now which is sad, and yes i have shouted at her too, after all we are human not saints! but i found all i was doing was making myself unhappy by trying to make things easier for her i was was making myself ill, mum did not care she was in her own world and cares for nothing or no one that indicative of the disease. so thats why eventually i decided to treat my role as a job nothing more nothing less. and even though i cant go out of the house i am lucky enough to have a garden i get up early and sit outside with my cup of tea (my time) before i have to get her up. during the day i have projects of my own and i work around mum and when i put her to bed thats when i finish work. oh don't get me wrong i am on call but this is my time. some nights are better than others as we say every day and nights a new one. so don't be dispondent. there are i am sure hundreds and hundreds of people out there in our situation and we only find this out through things like my beloved computor what would i do without it it is my portal to the world. you are not alone even though you feel it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
OMG this sounds just like my mother ang 57
Hey my name is christy and my mother is in early onset, she is 59 and i am the caregiver im 41. I have a family that needs me to be there for them. BUT. i thought the only right thing to do was to take care of moma. Just like you she has been mean to me and my sister all of our lives. She was the QUEEN. My grandma raised us as well. Now I am here 24/7 trapped with a woman that hates me and resents me being here to take care of her. she is close to the last stage, cant fix her anything to eat or drink, cant bathe herself, But yet she gets this rush of adrenaline from somewhere and almost tears down the house. Im exhausted, she is killin me. I cant have my grand daughter here, because im afraid of how she will treat her. If anyone knows where you are coming from I do. It has always been her. She never thinks of anyone else. she has always been selfish. never cared about us kids, or her grand kids or great grand kids. PITIFUL to be so selfish.
Hey my name is christy and my mother is in early onset, she is 59 and i am the caregiver im 41. I have a family that needs me to be there for them. BUT. i thought the only right thing to do was to take care of moma. Just like you she has been mean to me and my sister all of our lives. She was the QUEEN. My grandma raised us as well. Now I am here 24/7 trapped with a woman that hates me and resents me being here to take care of her. she is close to the last stage, cant fix her anything to eat or drink, cant bathe herself, But yet she gets this rush of adrenaline from somewhere and almost tears down the house. Im exhausted, she is killin me. I cant have my grand daughter here, because im afraid of how she will treat her. If anyone knows where you are coming from I do. It has always been her. She never thinks of anyone else. she has always been selfish. never cared about us kids, or her grand kids or great grand kids. PITIFUL to be so selfish.
