My Mum is killing me..........

[Ang57]

I am dying inside.........

Thats it.......... I just had to say it or it would be another overdose for me tonight........... last one should have killed a horse, but I brought too much back by being violently sick........

I just need a break, but Mum seems to think I should only leave the house when she is settled for the night......... even though I've told her the district nurse would give her the insulin injections......... all I get is that she will not wait in all day............ which she would not have to do because it's linked with her meals..........

But she expects me to never step out of the door, and because she get so nasty I do as I'm told ...... at 54....... I'm an only child and have no partner or support........ and because she was such a witch when I was small and growing up......... the woman still scares the wits out of me................

I've made the biggest mistake of my life giving up my own home to live with and look after her............ because she only thinks of herself and that is not the alzheimers...... that is how she has always been........ my grandma brought me up....... Mum and Dad were never there......... and because they found once I was born I was in the way of their love for each other......... I was forced to leave home at 16............

My Dad is in a home with dementia also............. I can't cope........ I want to run away and hide forever.............. disappear and take on a new identity where no one knows me..............

I'm crying............ I'm dying.......... and I'm sick of waking every day to shaking like a leaf and a tummy that churns............ and of spending 24/7 in this prison, while she gets out and about with a full social life...........

She refused to look after her own Mum, Grandma ended up with a distant relative living miles away, and she visited only twice a year, they were too busy living life to the full together, Mum's and Dad's bubble only held 2 people...........

I think she is so selfish.......... and it's not the dementia........ but God knows why..... I do care still........... but she is rapidly pushing me to the edge..............

I would never physically hurt her as my parents did to me when growing up........ but I have for the first time tonight had a go at her verbally because she would not listen or give a little...........

I'm at my wits end.......... how can I make this work out for Mum without going insane myself?????????

 

[Grannie G]

Please phone the Samaritans Ang.

They offer and Emotional Listening Service.

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours, seven days a week)

Email jo@samaritans.org

Web Site www.samaritans.org

 

[min88cat]

Ange, call the Samaritans. They saved my life many years ago, just by listening to me. A friendly voice is all it takes.

 

[Onlyme]

Dear Ang

Get your own back on your Mum. Live to fight her, don't let her win. You are worth much more.

Ring the Samaritans please. We all care about you. We will listen too.

 

[jude50]

Ang, Please, please do not do anything. Ring the Samaritans. Don't hurt yourself. Don't let your Mum do this to you, you are worth so much more.

jude

 

[Delphie]

Please listen to the advice Ang and call someone tonight, just to talk. Onlyme is right, you can do this. You're as important as anyone involved.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Please dont dispair..............

I agree with everything that has been written by others here by others. God Bless x

 

[florence43]

Dear Ange...you came to us, now call the Samaritans. You can do this.

The sun will rise tomorrow and when it does, come back to us and let us steer you in the right direction to get your life back. You ask how you can make this work for your mum without going insane, and I would put money on you finding the answers here.

Everything you say makes sense and so many of us understand you, so don't get this far and fall down again. From this point on we concentrate on YOU.

There is much you can do to make this situation better for you both and this is the right place to start piecing together the steps. You'll get all the advice in one place, and you're worth all the time it will take to guide you there. But the first and most vital step is calling for help tonight.

Make that call, and from there, let our wisdom, experience and compassion help you call the right people and suggest the right choices. I promise there are choices. We can definitely help, if you'll allow us.

Be strong for now, and we'll help to support you as you see there is light at the end of this tunnel. You're not alone, xxxxx

 

[elaine n]

Annie's right Ange, You're NOT alone. We'll be here for you with help, advice, coping strategies, a hug or just to listen if you need a sounding board because we all understand how hard this is and we care
But first you need to get through tonight so we can help you live the rest of your life, because there is a life out there for you to live. Please have the courage to pick up the phone and make that call

with much love xxxxxe

 

[branwen]

Ang please listen to the advice above. I have been where you are. You sound completely burned out from caring aswell as carrying lots of unresolved emotions and scars from your childhood. I know how it feels to be stuck in a situation where it seems there is no way out but there often are things that can help, and decisions made in the past don't have to stay permanently the same. Just wondering whether you could arrange some respite or employ some live-in care while you get away for a break and to look at the situation from more of a distance, even just for a week or two. Something that was pointed out to me on another board by some very wise and caring women (after I'd written a post amost exactly like yours) was that my parents had needs and wants - the difficult bit is working out which is which. Needs (food, shelter, help with medication, comapny -not necessarily you- etc) are different from wants (your constant company). And even her needs don't have to be met 100% of the time by you and you alone. You also have needs - that includes some time and space to yourself. Your mother won't like it - but in this case I think your needs are a much higher priority than her wants. Please post again so we know how you are.

 

[branwen]

Ang - please post again to let us know how you are this morning ((((hugs))))

 

[Redwitch]

Ang,

I only want to agree with everyone else, please ask for help, you have reached crisis point and you need some respite NOW.

Love

Jan x

 

[Ang57]

Thank you to everyone who have replied. I did call the Samaritans last night, I call them a lot and do know it helps.............

Today I just cannot stop crying and shaking, but I'm sure I would go mad if I didn't cry, it's a release ........

I'm sorry for seeming a drama queen, I've always been a very strong person. Before I moved in with Mum I worked full time and had a full life in another town, a happy life. But I cared enough about her to come back to look after her, now I feel so trapped. And my life has gone from one extreem to the other, and needless to say for the worse.

I just wish she would be more reasonable...............

Thank you to everyone who have posted a reply yet again. I am calling the Doctor today to explain about her unwillingness to accept outside help, because following her accidentally almost overdosing twice on her insulin, she is not allowed to administer it to herself any longer. In fact she is not allowed to even take her tablets without supervision. That is why I have to be around so much. Anyway, perhaps someone in authority can get her to understand the importance of her decision, because I cannot.

 

[Ang57]

PS, I failed to say that Mum refuses any help that has to be paid for, she says she cannot afford it, but I deal with all of her finances and she can, she is just being stubborn as always...................

 

[elaine n]

I'm glad you're back online Ang - we were all worried about you! xxx

When it comes to getting extra help, sometimes we just have to take the bull by the horns and just do it. Easier said than done, I know but for everyones sake it needs to be done. From what you say it seems your mother will probably never be reasonable, whether this is due to her dementia or just down to her personality doesn't really make any difference, the fact is you've given up the life you had to look after her and as such should be able to expect some consideration. You sound much more psitive this morning which is good We'll always be here to support you when you need us or if you want to let of steam or prop you up if you wilt

take care xxxxe

 

[Chemmy]

I did call the Samaritans last night, I call them a lot and do know it helps

Being forced into a position where you need to call the Samaritans regularly is a sign that this situation is way out of control.

My inclination is that you should seriously consider walking away and let the authorities take over the responsibility of your mother's care. Get in contact with SS and the GP and say you are no longer prepared to be her carer.

As Branwen said above, your needs are more important than your mother's wants. You must believe that. Her needs can be dealt with perfectly well by others; being 'unwilling' to accept outside help is not a reason for not having it. Lots of us on here realised we'd reached the end of the line in what we were prepared to do for a parent - and in my case, it was FAR less than you - and are happy with the professional care our parent is receiving.

She probably won't be happy whatever you do; you, on the other hand, have an opportunity to rebuild your life. Please don't let that chance pass you by.

 

[florence43]

Dear Ang57,

I came straight here this morning to check that you were ok. I'm so glad you have posted and so glad you rang for help last night. I was worried about you, and not for a minute would I class you as a drama queen. What you describe is the darkest, most challenging side of living with dementia, and the strongest of us have fallen many times.

You are definitely not alone when it comes to your mum refusing help. There lies the obligation on your part, and there lies the problem. I have read so many heart-wrenching accounts here, not dissimilar to yours, but I have followed their journey, and there is always an option.

I used to look at my own situation, and imagine what would happen if mum had not had children. Or even if her children had emigrated to the other side of the world. Who would have safeguarded her? Would she have been abandoned, left to die? Nope.

The fact that you are there is convenient for your mum, but not in the least for you. I agree 100% with the post that said you need to look at wants and needs. List them, if it helps. Her needs can and should be covered by an outside source. Her medication, personal care (later down the line), food, and shelter. Her wants (that you are enslaved to her for as long as dementia has hold) are to be arranged on your terms.

The time you spend together sounds awful anyway, so really is she benefiting? One thing for sure is that you're not.

I do hope the GP is sympathetic and knowledgeable, and will put the wheels in motion. Don't get fobbed off. Tell them you're at crisis point. Cry. Shout. They cannot ignore these warning signs, or they will have 2 very vulnerable people on their hands and their conscience.

Social Services should be brought in, to some degree, at least to guide you, if nothing else, and the Alzheimer's Society (local branch) can tell you about clubs and groups. Doesn't sound like she'd be too willing...but respite is priority. For your health and sanity. What good are you to her if you're worn down to nothing? Can you explain this to her? (I suspect not!). But others here will have been through the same, and I hope some will come along and describe how they got respite with a very unwilling family member.

I know there are ways.

And if she had no children....what would have been put in place? The same should apply now, as the daughter she has is hanging by a thread.

Stay in touch regularly, and you'll see the advice and support here will be a lifeline.

Take care, and take every day as it comes, xxxxx

 

[KatherineW]

Hi Ang,

You sound really distressed and I hope that offloading here is helping. It's good that you're in touch with Samaritans, too.

Other members have offered great suggestions and support, but I just thought I'd add that it might also help to give Alzheimer's Society's National Helpline a call. Our Helpline Advisers can give you practical information, can talk through your options with you, or can just listen.

If you'd like to contact them, the number to call is 0845 300 0336. The Helpline is open from 8.30am - 6.30pm, Monday to Friday. You can also contact the Helpline by email if you'd prefer: all the details are here: http://alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365.

I hope that things will improve for you very soon.

Take care,

 

[Ang57]

I cannot thank everyone enough for the their support on here, it is making me feel better and more positive for the future.

Mum told me to pack my bags and go last night because she thinks I don't want to look after her, for her it has to be all or nothing, and today I'm getting the silent treatment. She will not allow me to even make her a cup of coffee, so the atmostphere could be cut with a knife and is far from pleasant.

But she is going out later to visit Dad, her friend is taking her today and they are eating out together afterwards, because I have to wait in for a new washer being delivered and a gas engineer to do the annual service on the central heating boiler, and cannot take her myself. So I'm going to call the Dr and will call the Alzheimers Society for advise too when she is out.

Everyone here is so kind, I really would like to thank you for helping me feel that I am not the bad daughter that Mum believes I am. And most of all for the advise that I know will help.

 

[Chemmy]

The silent treatment doesn't sound too bad ...make the most of it

Joking apart, in an ideal world, how would you like to resolve this - and you can be as brutally honest as you want; no-one here will judge you.