My mam is in a nursing home now, for the past 10 months. I live over 200 miles from her so while she was at home it was extremely stressful. I was constantly on edge. We had carers 24/7 for the past 6 months at home as she couldn't be alone. with my siblings we covered weekends, usually every second weekend, travelling up on Friday after work and returning Sunday night. Any time I took to myself was considered selfish by my siblings. I tried all sorts of things to help mam, bought a diary to record her day, got a clock that told the day, date and time, cleared out clutter from the house, labelled items but nothing worked. I brought her to all the doctor's appointments, made endless phone calls, wrote letters,liaised with the dementia care team, organised day visits to the nursing home, arranged the carers. I was exhausted. I really felt my life wasn't worth living. I ended up fighting with my siblings over everything and now we only communicate about mam and her care.
I have lost my mam. My dad died suddenly 8 years ago and mam never dealt with it. I now feel like an orphan (I'll be 50 this year!). My husband has been my rock. he has listened to every gripe, complaint, worry. He encouraged me to take time for myself and to go and see my G.P. My blood pressure was very high so I ended up on medication and he suggested I talk to a psychologist. My husband supported me in everything and he was fantastic with mam, encouraging, distracting when necessary, playing music she liked, finding tv programmes that might interest her. Without him I would not have coped at all.
The last thing dad told me was to look after mam. But at Christmas 2018 I realised that I wasn't really looking after her. She had no idea who I was or where she was (in her own home). Mam's wellbeing was not being looked after at home. Now, in the nursing home she is so well cared for, she is content and safe.And my time with her is quality time now. We look at photos, go for a spin, get ice cream, look at the sea. Although it is heart breaking to see my once competent, confident, capable mother reduced to this, I know it was the right decision. My own wellbeing was non-existant while she was at home. With my family, my job, the travelling, it was hectic. I was barely coping. while she was at home I was constantly on edge, worried, dreading a phone call or email. Caring for a PWD does not allow time for one's own wellbeing unfortunately. A close friend reminded me of the airplane and putting on my own oxygen mask first. A good idea because if we are not ok, we cannot care for our loved ones.