Hi, my mum is middle to late stages of dementia, she is cared for by my dad ( both 80) . Recently she has started saying she wants to move back to the town where she grew up and where I and my family live...30 miles away. What are people's views on this? , life would be easier for dad as I am around most days ax are extended family members . . Thanks
House move
- Thread starter Fiomcirv
- Start date
This sounds good if your father is willing. They would need help with the move. Short and frequent visits from family sounds ideal. Less strain all around. Any change can cause problems but staying put does to.
It depends how practical it is too. I wonder about an extra care apartment to ease the actual caring?
Hello @Fiomcirv and welcome to Talking point.
I think there are several differant points here, which I will try to cover. Im sure others will have thoughts too.
The first one is whether your mum would be up to a move. Moving house with someone with dementia is difficult, they will often resist moving once it starts to become reality and all the packing, arrangemnts etc etc can make them extremely confused and needing more support, just at the time when your dad needs to be doing things with the move.
Secondly, how much support your parents will have if they move compared with how much they have at the moment? Do bare in mind that as your mum mum declines she will need more support. Would they have easy access to doctors, day centres, firms which supply professional carers and (eventually) care homes. What is transport like? Its really not a good idea to live somewhere too rural. We live in a village which is quite rural and day centres will not come out to collect my OH. If they live closer to you, how will you feel if you are constantly (and I mean constantly) round at your parents? If they move, you will need to make sure that you decide very early on how much support you can provide
Finally, please consider that many, many people with dementia want to move somewhere else - usually somewhere where they have previously lived. They frequently do not understand the confusion due to dementia and feel that it is due to their present circumstances, so that if only they moved back to where they were happy, then they would leave all the confusion behind. Of course, it wont happen and you will probably find that even after a move that your mum still wont be happy and will either not believe that she is back where she wanted to be, or that she then decides she wants to move somewhere else - maybe a childhood home.
I think there are several differant points here, which I will try to cover. Im sure others will have thoughts too.
The first one is whether your mum would be up to a move. Moving house with someone with dementia is difficult, they will often resist moving once it starts to become reality and all the packing, arrangemnts etc etc can make them extremely confused and needing more support, just at the time when your dad needs to be doing things with the move.
Secondly, how much support your parents will have if they move compared with how much they have at the moment? Do bare in mind that as your mum mum declines she will need more support. Would they have easy access to doctors, day centres, firms which supply professional carers and (eventually) care homes. What is transport like? Its really not a good idea to live somewhere too rural. We live in a village which is quite rural and day centres will not come out to collect my OH. If they live closer to you, how will you feel if you are constantly (and I mean constantly) round at your parents? If they move, you will need to make sure that you decide very early on how much support you can provide
Finally, please consider that many, many people with dementia want to move somewhere else - usually somewhere where they have previously lived. They frequently do not understand the confusion due to dementia and feel that it is due to their present circumstances, so that if only they moved back to where they were happy, then they would leave all the confusion behind. Of course, it wont happen and you will probably find that even after a move that your mum still wont be happy and will either not believe that she is back where she wanted to be, or that she then decides she wants to move somewhere else - maybe a childhood home.
hello @Fiomcirv
welcome from me too
I wonder how your dad feels about moving, as he is the one who is his wife's main carer - would he like to move to be near you all or prefer to stay in the location he knows - he needs to be able to have some time to himself and may want to visit his friends or he may be happier knowing you are available to support him and he can make 'dates' to see his friends
maybe you could look into care homes (who accept residents with dementia) near you so that if they move and your mum eventually needs to move into a home, there is at least one suitable home within easy visiting distance (and consider putting your mum's name on a waiting list)
there's the expense to consider too, it takes £1000s to move and time
if they go ahead, maybe your mum could have a respite stay for a week so she sees nothing of the messy part of moving, and have everything packed by professionals as your dad will be very stressed, indeed could he have a break too?
also, be brutally honest with yourself, how often will you really visit and how much actual physical support are you willing and able to provide, taking into account that your parents may expect much more than you can offer
your mum may well be believing that moving back to her familar stomping ground will effectively take her back to how she was then, which we know cannot happen, but then she will probably feel the same wherever she lives
welcome from me too
I wonder how your dad feels about moving, as he is the one who is his wife's main carer - would he like to move to be near you all or prefer to stay in the location he knows - he needs to be able to have some time to himself and may want to visit his friends or he may be happier knowing you are available to support him and he can make 'dates' to see his friends
maybe you could look into care homes (who accept residents with dementia) near you so that if they move and your mum eventually needs to move into a home, there is at least one suitable home within easy visiting distance (and consider putting your mum's name on a waiting list)
there's the expense to consider too, it takes £1000s to move and time
if they go ahead, maybe your mum could have a respite stay for a week so she sees nothing of the messy part of moving, and have everything packed by professionals as your dad will be very stressed, indeed could he have a break too?
also, be brutally honest with yourself, how often will you really visit and how much actual physical support are you willing and able to provide, taking into account that your parents may expect much more than you can offer
your mum may well be believing that moving back to her familar stomping ground will effectively take her back to how she was then, which we know cannot happen, but then she will probably feel the same wherever she lives
I think you need to find out whether your Mum says this because she considers it to be to her emotional place of safety, and once she's there and can't find it she might not want to be there either? Then you might have caused upheaval for nothing.
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