What to do

[Chook]

I'm so concerned about the future, I just need to get it all out and hopefully someone will give me some good advice.

Mum has been in the early stages of dementia, thought to be Alzheimers. Recently it's progressed and she's been having problems with cooking, shopping, personal care & money.

I live quite a way from her and have a young family so I can't really keep travelling back and forth to see her. I would really like her to move close to me but after reading many stories on this forum, I'm terrified.

I feel the need to look after my mum, it breaks my heart to think of her alone and vulnerable. My siblings live near her but frankly they don't care like I do and I have concerns about money.

The thing is, should I move her near me, risking confusing her and progressing the disease further but she will be cared for. Or should she stay where she is and rely on carers and my brothers/sisters?

Pros for her moving: She will be cared for. I will stop feeling so sad, guilty, worried and upset about leaving her. Children will learn that you look after your family no matter what.

Possible Cons: I wont be able to cope. My family will suffer. We will end up paying financially for her care (any financial advice would be gratefully received because I'm very confused about it all). She will drive me crazy, I wont have a life of my own and I'll end up depressed. Mum can't cope with the move and it makes her much worse.

Aahhhhh my brain!

Any advice would be lovely. I keep going over and over this in my head.

Thanks

Chook
x

 

[BeckyJan]

Not sure what to say. So much depends on the present carers and how well your brothers/sisters are managing. If all is well with them maybe your Mother should stay as she is.

IF you moved your Mother this would presumably have some impact on your siblings so they obviously need to be involved with any decision.

Your Mother's needs should be of primary importance and that is something only you and your siblings can assess.

I feel I am not being very helpful but hopefully others will be along soon to give their thoughts

 

[janma221]

Hello, it is such a difficult decision and in the end one only you can make but I would say if you have a young family then eventually it will impact on them. Of course you want to bring them up to see that you look after your own but so many cases on here of people who were determined to take care of a family member to the end and have had to place them in a care home because of carer breakdown and dementia not being anything like caring for a physical illness. Financially I am not sure how well placed your mum is so it would depend on whether she would be self funding or not. I am sure others will be along with better advice soon.
Take care
Jan xxxx

 

[Chook]

My siblings want mum to move near me and I don't feel that she's getting the care that she needs at the moment. I don't trust the sibling that looks after mum the most. An awful thing to say but there you go.

Mum has little savings and lives in a council house.

I'll be frank, once mum got to the point where she couldn't be in her own propertym we'd have to find her a care home. However difficult it would be I don't think it's fair on my family to care for her myself at that point.

Thank you for your replies so far.
x

p.s. Edited to say mum doesn't have any official care at the moment. Just siblings popping occasionally.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm not really qualified to give this advice, but ... I live just ten minutes away from my mam (with alzheimer's) and my dad (her carer) but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty and sad, worried and upset. I feel all of those things on a daily basis.

I do feel for you, so much, and wish you the very best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

xx

 

[retiredcopper]

In some ways I am lucky in that my hubby is an only child so I don't have to confer with siblings when it comes to the care of mum-in-law. Unfortunately, whatever you decide, you will have to sit down with your siblings & come to a decision that is in your mum's best interests - not theirs or yours. I do however think that your siblings wanting your mum to move near you isn't being totally fair - you have a young family & it sounds like they are happy to let you take on the whole burden of care. Don't let them play on your feelings of guilt because you live some distance away.

So my advice is that you all get together & talk about your mum's needs & the best way to meet them - in the short term first & then the longer term. It sounds, on the face of it, that your mum needs care coming into her home now. If she has problems with her personal care you should put in a claim for Attendance Allowance - this should help towards paying for her care. If she has been diagnosed with dementia you can contact her Council Tax office as most, if not all, Councils don't charge council tax to persons with mental impairment - that should save her something a month towards her care too. Then contact Social Services for a financial & care assessment to be done - if they think she needs carers coming in to help meet her personal needs, providing her meals etc then SS may pick up some or all of the care bill (it depends on the size of her care needs at the moment). Whilst you are waiting for SS to come & assess your mum do some research into care agencies in your mum's area & try & get recommendations from other users. If you find one you want to use and SS say your mum needs a care plan you don't need to take the care they can provide, instead you can choose the agency you want & get SS to pay towards the bills - we found this better because our SS use different carers all the time & it's better if there is consistency in the care provided (MIL has the same carer 85% of the time).

Whatever you choose to do I hope you & your siblings can provide the right care for your mum. If care in the home doesn't work out you may need to look at other options but for the moment I think you should be putting some care into place in her home - sometimes it's better to try & care for them in the comfort & security of their own 4 walls at first. Good luck,

Angie