Thank you Jezzer - so sorry to hear you are going through the same - its torture isn't it? I am able to work from home today and tomorrow as I spoke to my boss and he has been very understanding, though I do find it hard to concentrate. I will go back and see Mum later - never know what to expect. You take care too and hugging you back x
The saddest visit so far
- Thread starter Luckylisa
- Start date
Thank you so much for your kind words Marion - I lovely story of your grandmother x
Thank you Canary for your kind words. It is hard to know what to do - especially as you had to endure this for 17 days - incredible that your Mum stayed strong for so long after no food and water. I'm prepared for the final stage as I was with Dad for the last couple of days round the clock, but he was at home which was so lovely. The CH isn't far from me, but I am relying on the staff to let me know when I should 'camp out' there as I imagine it will be. IF she just dies in the night I just don't know what I'll do as I am sure I dont want to see her once she's gone, but it would mean being left with no where to go on that final day to make it real - I guess I have to accept what I cant control and see how I feel when it comes - one day at a time.
Wishing you all the best Lisa, and strength for the days ahead. Your description of sitting in an office surrounded by people not knowing what was going on really struck a chord with me - my mum died in January and I still have that feeling some days, but I find that these forums are a great way to surround yourself with understanding and support instead. My mum deteriorated very rapidly, but her end was peaceful, thanks to the medication. Care home staff are used to these circumstances and should be supportive too - I hope that's true for you. At our one the staff left us to sit with mum for as long as we wanted after she had died, and then when we went out of the room briefly they 'laid her out' gently and kindly with flowers in her hands. Apparently all the staff there also line the corridor to say goodbye when someone is taken away to the chapel of rest. We miss mum terribly, but it's some consolation to know that she's left her problems behind and passed peacefully with people who cared all around her.
Lisa, I have just read the post from @hilaryd and when I read about how your description of sitting in your office surrounded by people unaware of your suffering, struck a chord with her, I felt the same. So I was glad to read you have an understanding boss and are able to work from home today and tomorrow. It must be terribly hard to concentrate. I found her description of her mum's passing and the sensitive and respectful treatment from the staff comforting. I hope our mums receive the same. The staff at mum's CH are very fond of her and her care has been - and continues to be - wonderful and they are so kind to my brother and I too. This morning, a carer popped in and just have me a hug; another, without asking, brought me a coffee and wafer bar. So kind, no fuss (because I think they know I'de break down), just knowing they are aware I'm struggling. It means so much. We read some awful stories about abuse in a few CH's, but I visit at different times of the day and all I've witnessed and experienced is kindness and wonderful care from people who work so very hard for very little money. I guess this is also a shout out for all those carers who quietly and respectfully do such a great job. I hope your dear mum is receiving the same kindness and care. Thinking of you and your mum and sending love to you both. x
Than you Hillary and Jezzer, we have been very lucky with the care home as they have been wonderful. In the 3 years I've got to know the staff and residents well and, most importantly, Mum has been so happy there.
That's so good to hear Lisa. It is certainly of comfort to me knowing mum is being so well cared for and, like your mum, my mum has also been so happy in her CH. It's nice to have a good rapport with the residents and staff isn't it? Take care and I hope you manage to get some restful sleep tonight x
Thinking of you both, Lisa and Jezzer. It’s such a difficult time, not wanting to lose someone but not wanting them to suffer either. The carers at my Mum’s home we’re so kind and thoughtful, taking care of us as well as Mum when she passed away. Their kindness made it all a little easier to cope with. Wishing you strength to cope in the days and weeks ahead. Xx
Thank you so much for your kind message. I'm sorry about your own dear mum. It really does help, having lovely folk who totally understand and who respond despite their own sadness and distress. So appreciated @worried2 . Xxx
Lisa & Jezzer - big hugs go out to you both at this sad time.
@Luckylisa I am so pleased that you have an understanding boss as so many are not like that.
In answer to your previous question, I watched my dad die 18 years ago & tbh it was all a shock. I had only just visited him on the Thursday night in the hospital & he was talking & joking with us all.
The following morning, I got a phone call from the hospital to say that me & my mum needed to come over as he had gone into a coma. We hurried over & a few hours later, he was gone.
I would much rather have remembered him from the evening before, rather than what I saw but it was very peaceful. Even so, I didn’t visit him
at the Chapel of Rest either as I wouldn’t have found it helpful.
With dementia, I think part of you has already said your goodbyes to the person that you once knew at some point in their journey but yes at least your mum had some clarity to say she loves you.
My mum says it to me all the time when I visit her at the care home. She never used to say it to me how she does now - I wonder if she is scared at times but she is safe, fed & looked after.
@Luckylisa I am so pleased that you have an understanding boss as so many are not like that.
In answer to your previous question, I watched my dad die 18 years ago & tbh it was all a shock. I had only just visited him on the Thursday night in the hospital & he was talking & joking with us all.
The following morning, I got a phone call from the hospital to say that me & my mum needed to come over as he had gone into a coma. We hurried over & a few hours later, he was gone.
I would much rather have remembered him from the evening before, rather than what I saw but it was very peaceful. Even so, I didn’t visit him
at the Chapel of Rest either as I wouldn’t have found it helpful.
With dementia, I think part of you has already said your goodbyes to the person that you once knew at some point in their journey but yes at least your mum had some clarity to say she loves you.
My mum says it to me all the time when I visit her at the care home. She never used to say it to me how she does now - I wonder if she is scared at times but she is safe, fed & looked after.
@Hello @Kikki21 . Thank you for your message and big (((Hugs))) winging
their way to you. Mum and I sat with her sister 5 years ago until she passed away. Little did my lovely mum know the same awful date awaited her. I remember mum saying "I hope I never get this". Mum told me before she lost her speech that she loved me so I hold on to that. Another visit today where she just slept. I'm sure she knows I'm there. Lovely that your mum keeps telling you she loves you. You are being a wonderful caring daughter. This is so hard isn't it? Good that we have each other here for support. Take care my friend xx
Thankyou @Kikki21 for your kind words. I do agree that we've already said goodbye to the Mum we knew. Another week and Mums still holding on. Like Jezzer's Mum, no longer speaking and just sleeping. She's so tiny and every day I visit and see her shrinking away. When her eyes open a little I don't think she can see us any more, but I do think she hears us. When she spoke a few days ago she said something about going up the stairs, I understand this is a common experience that people have at end of life so I told her to go up the stairs if she wants to and she would soon see her own mother again. I took the advice that I've been given here and keep telling her how much I love her, that she's done an amazing job in her life and that she can relax now knowing there is nothing left to worry about. She grips my hand tightly still. These daily visits get harder, but she's still not on the end of life medicine. Hasn't eaten or drunk for several days so the CH say it could go on longer but probably she will pass this coming week. I do hope it's not much longer as I can't bear this, such a cruel disease.
Oh Lisa. I know. I feel so ashamed saying this but today I don't want to visit mum. That sounds hateful doesn't it? I want to see the mum as she was before this monster came into her life and ours. I hate seeing her like this. Of course my brother and I will go and I'll be there tomorrow and every day but I'm finding it harder each day. Do you feel like this? I feel so guilty. I love her so much. Mum is not on end of life medicine either and CH not anticipating anything changing yet. I watch her face and although sleeping, her expression keeps changing and I wonder what is going on in her head and pray that if it's thoughts and memories, they are happy. I tell her the same things you say to your mum and, like you, it is just the truth. I feel I don't know myself any more and as she deteriorates so do I. My mum, best friend and who is so loved and treasured. Sending love and (((hugs))) to you my friend as we try and support our mum's through this long and painful farewell. xxx
Please don't feel ashamed. I'm sure many of us here who've been through similar will identify with those feelings. My mother had a very extended 'end-of-life' experience and I often felt I didn't want to visit and see her in the state she was- usually asleep or seemingly unconscious.
And with this. I so much longed for it to be over, so I could start remembering my mother as she had been and because it dragged on for years I thought I would never be able to actually remember those happier times.
Now this you do need to look at. It was only after my mother died, I fully realised just how badly my mother's situation was impacting on my own life and personal well-being and why my family were so worried about me. I had been very near a complete breakdown. However I did not realise it at the time.
I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to go, it’s just so tough, so don’t feel bad about it. I do think that people who haven’t experienced this disease just don’t understand. I felt guilty for so long because I wished Mum wouldn’t live much longer as the future was so bleak. It was only when I started to use this forum that I realised that was a common view. Having said that, the other night I couldn’t sleep thinking that Mum was going to die that night and I was so scared, because I just don’t know how I will feel when that moment comes. When I experienced the same with Dad I thought I might feel relief that his battle with cancer was finally over, but I didn’t, I was completely desolate and inconsolable. As Mum is in the CH, lovely as it is, it’s much more public than the family home Dad died in. I really do appreciate the support we get on this site and I am sending you so much love and ((hugs)) too as we go through this together, stay strong and keep talking xxx
Thank you so much for your really helpful reply. I am on medication but haven't been checked by the GP for over a year and I'm supposed to be monitored. My fault as I just can't be bothered to make an appointment but maybe I should. Palpitations (which I've had for years on and off) have been daily since Xmas. Chest pains, dizzy and throbbing head. Weight gain but I'm barely eating. I know if I see a GP I will break down and I can't let myself do that because I won't be able to stop. Just keep pushing myself and hope I can keep supporting mum.Please don't feel ashamed. I'm sure many of us here who've been through similar will identify with those feelings. My mother had a very extended 'end-of-life' experience and I often felt I didn't want to visit and see her in the state she was- usually asleep or seemingly unconscious.
And with this. I so much longed for it to be over, so I could start remembering my mother as she had been and because it dragged on for years I thought I would never be able to actually remember those happier times.
Now this you do need to look at. It was only after my mother died, I fully realised just how badly my mother's situation was impacting on my own life and personal well-being and why my family were so worried about me. I had been very near a complete breakdown. However I did not realise it at the time.
It’s so important to look after yourself. Mums own dementia only really started after the death of her own mother who had the same disease. I remember the strain she was under at the time and I do believe it did damage to Mum. I don’t want history to repeat itself. My daughters have been amazing at looking after me at this time, but I am so aware that it’s important to keep your strength up for the time yet to come. Do you think going to the doctor might be a good idea right now? So what if you break down in front of them, they’ve surely had lots of experience of their patients doing that? I’m sure they would be understanding and, even if it’s just to put your mind at rest about your health, it might be one less thing to worry about. Take care, more hugs xxx
