Thank you and theres no need to apologise Chess.My post didn't really need a reply just thought I'd introduce myself as,I am not really looking for advice and assistance with a family member but because I am interested in other peoples ways of dealing with and thoughts and feelings on general about the move from home care to respite to eventually long term care to see if theres anyway of making it a little easier trangression when we eventually change to mental health care.
Hi! A intro
- Thread starter ElaineMaul
- Start date
Thank you and theres no need to apologise Chess.My post didn't really need a reply just thought I'd introduce myself as,I am not really looking for advice and assistance with a family member but because I am interested in other peoples ways of dealing with and thoughts and feelings on general about the move from home care to respite to eventually long term care to see if theres anyway of making it a little easier trangression when we eventually change to mental health care.
want mum to know she is still loved
Hi everyone.
My mum has been in respite care since beginning of this month (April 08) but it looks very like it may be a permanent stay in the care home.
She is 82, broke her hip in March last year and had been living at home with me (her son). The house is jointly owned by both of us and I am working full time to pay the mortgage. I am her only living relative, have no family of my own and am the last of the family line. Almost all of her friends have passed away. She had a stairlift installed and cannot walk without a zimmer. Since Christmas her memory and behaviour had become very confused and agitated. Repeated questions, rummaging, hiding food in toiletry bags etc. She would use her commode, instead of her mobilator or walking trolley, as a walking aid and leave it in the middle of the living room. She would phone me at work to say the fire alarm had went off (it was her stairlift beeping because it wasn’t in it’s parked position). She would phone me incessantly at work. On one occasion she must have phoned me at work about 15 times in 15 minutes. She had also fallen a few times (which is obviously a big worry). She's also doubly incontinent at times – if I tried to clean her she would ask me “why are you doing that” as she felt humiliated. She would get her pads mixed up and would be wearing three at once. She would bang on my bedroom door at 2 or 3 am asking what time she's getting up at in the morning and constantly shout on me. She insisted on leaving the front door wide open to the world so that the council carers could get in. She would whizz downstairs in her stairlift and open the door during the night so they could get in the morning. During the night I found I was increasingly losing my temper when the repeated questions prevented me from sleeping. When I had annual leave from work I found I had to go out to escape the constant questioning but when I was out I was always wondering if she had fell etc.
The GP wanted to test for a UTI around Feb, but the first sample got lost, the second one took was dipped and showed no UTI and a third sample from the lab showed a ‘slight’ infection. However, it took almost a week for her to get the antibiotics (she was still halfway through the course when she was taken into respite).
She scored 18 out of 30 on her mini mental state examination in March (on a day when she was relatively lucid) but I haven’t been given an official diagnosis yet. I suspect it is vascular dementia due to the rapidity of her deterioration. Looking back over the past 3 -4 years there are various little things, that I thought nothing of at the time, that now make me think she’s had dementia for a while.
One night she again hadn't switched the gas fire on properly and there was a strong smell of gas. I phoned British Gas to ask about safety switches for the fire but because I'd mentioned the gas smell they sent an engineer out (who took the switch off the fire). She thought the engineer was an elderly neighbour. It was difficult trying to explain to mum why the doors and windows were open and why I couldn't switch on the fire. The UTI at the time must have been making things worse. The next day, after concern from my work colleagues, I went to my doctor and let him know that the stress was building up in me. The result was that mum was taken into the respite care at a nursing home. I don't know how the CPNs managed to get her to go as she was adamant that she wasn't going anywhere and had previously refused the offer of day care saying she wasn’t a mixer. I have visited the home a few times and she isn't nearly as agitated as I thought she'd be and she sees to take part in any activities they have, although she sometimes looks very sad. The home seems friendly enough. In the home she gets 24 hour care and company so I think it may be better for her long term. She has had her hair done and had her toenails cut in the time she's been in the home, and according to the staff she is eating well and is no problem to them. She looks better than she has in a long time. I was expecting her to ask me constantly when she was coming home but she’s only asked a few times and the last time I visited her didn't mention it only asking me when I was coming back. She does say though that I’d dumped her there and I can’t shake the feeling she’s angry with me. She’s also been asking how neighbours who died 15 years ago are. I’ve been advised to ration my visits to her initially which is difficult to do but it seems to be helping her settle.
At home she did get carers twice a day but even they were beginning to struggle with her, trying to wash her, get her into the shower etc – one of the carers had to go home sick because she came in one lunchtime and became nauseous because my mum hadn’t ignited the gas fire properly. Because I work locally most days I would also go home at lunchtime to check on her.
Although I know she's getting more care in the home than I could provide for her there are times when I still feel as if I’ve betrayed and deserted her but I don’t know if could go on if she had to return home. The social worker and the care home staff seem to think she would be better staying permanently in the care home. I have found that even a release from the physical demands on my time (emptying commodes, constant washing of bedclothes, administering medication, making sure her mobilator was within her reach etc) is welcome. The release from the mental demands and the constantly being on alert on edge (even when at work) is even greater. However, if I catch myself enjoying myself or not thinking about mum I feel as if I'm being callous.
I don’t know if I would be able to go back to the way things were. I have seen from browsing existing threads that there are many people coping with situations much worse than myself but I guess we all have different breaking points and different limits
I don’t think I’ll ever shake off the guilt and the feeling that I’ve betrayed my mum. I also wonder what would have happened if I’d got antibiotics for her urine infection sooner (took the practice about a week to get them to the chemist ) and how much of a part that’s played in things. I really want to let mum know that she is the most important person in my life but that boat may have been missed. When she came out of the hospital last year I was so pleased that she was back in her own home and didn’t mind emptying commodes etc and could never have imagined or wanted her in a care home but now almost a year later, with the steep change of this dementia things are so very different. I just want her to feel loved.
Peter
Hi everyone.
My mum has been in respite care since beginning of this month (April 08) but it looks very like it may be a permanent stay in the care home.
She is 82, broke her hip in March last year and had been living at home with me (her son). The house is jointly owned by both of us and I am working full time to pay the mortgage. I am her only living relative, have no family of my own and am the last of the family line. Almost all of her friends have passed away. She had a stairlift installed and cannot walk without a zimmer. Since Christmas her memory and behaviour had become very confused and agitated. Repeated questions, rummaging, hiding food in toiletry bags etc. She would use her commode, instead of her mobilator or walking trolley, as a walking aid and leave it in the middle of the living room. She would phone me at work to say the fire alarm had went off (it was her stairlift beeping because it wasn’t in it’s parked position). She would phone me incessantly at work. On one occasion she must have phoned me at work about 15 times in 15 minutes. She had also fallen a few times (which is obviously a big worry). She's also doubly incontinent at times – if I tried to clean her she would ask me “why are you doing that” as she felt humiliated. She would get her pads mixed up and would be wearing three at once. She would bang on my bedroom door at 2 or 3 am asking what time she's getting up at in the morning and constantly shout on me. She insisted on leaving the front door wide open to the world so that the council carers could get in. She would whizz downstairs in her stairlift and open the door during the night so they could get in the morning. During the night I found I was increasingly losing my temper when the repeated questions prevented me from sleeping. When I had annual leave from work I found I had to go out to escape the constant questioning but when I was out I was always wondering if she had fell etc.
The GP wanted to test for a UTI around Feb, but the first sample got lost, the second one took was dipped and showed no UTI and a third sample from the lab showed a ‘slight’ infection. However, it took almost a week for her to get the antibiotics (she was still halfway through the course when she was taken into respite).
She scored 18 out of 30 on her mini mental state examination in March (on a day when she was relatively lucid) but I haven’t been given an official diagnosis yet. I suspect it is vascular dementia due to the rapidity of her deterioration. Looking back over the past 3 -4 years there are various little things, that I thought nothing of at the time, that now make me think she’s had dementia for a while.
One night she again hadn't switched the gas fire on properly and there was a strong smell of gas. I phoned British Gas to ask about safety switches for the fire but because I'd mentioned the gas smell they sent an engineer out (who took the switch off the fire). She thought the engineer was an elderly neighbour. It was difficult trying to explain to mum why the doors and windows were open and why I couldn't switch on the fire. The UTI at the time must have been making things worse. The next day, after concern from my work colleagues, I went to my doctor and let him know that the stress was building up in me. The result was that mum was taken into the respite care at a nursing home. I don't know how the CPNs managed to get her to go as she was adamant that she wasn't going anywhere and had previously refused the offer of day care saying she wasn’t a mixer. I have visited the home a few times and she isn't nearly as agitated as I thought she'd be and she sees to take part in any activities they have, although she sometimes looks very sad. The home seems friendly enough. In the home she gets 24 hour care and company so I think it may be better for her long term. She has had her hair done and had her toenails cut in the time she's been in the home, and according to the staff she is eating well and is no problem to them. She looks better than she has in a long time. I was expecting her to ask me constantly when she was coming home but she’s only asked a few times and the last time I visited her didn't mention it only asking me when I was coming back. She does say though that I’d dumped her there and I can’t shake the feeling she’s angry with me. She’s also been asking how neighbours who died 15 years ago are. I’ve been advised to ration my visits to her initially which is difficult to do but it seems to be helping her settle.
At home she did get carers twice a day but even they were beginning to struggle with her, trying to wash her, get her into the shower etc – one of the carers had to go home sick because she came in one lunchtime and became nauseous because my mum hadn’t ignited the gas fire properly. Because I work locally most days I would also go home at lunchtime to check on her.
Although I know she's getting more care in the home than I could provide for her there are times when I still feel as if I’ve betrayed and deserted her but I don’t know if could go on if she had to return home. The social worker and the care home staff seem to think she would be better staying permanently in the care home. I have found that even a release from the physical demands on my time (emptying commodes, constant washing of bedclothes, administering medication, making sure her mobilator was within her reach etc) is welcome. The release from the mental demands and the constantly being on alert on edge (even when at work) is even greater. However, if I catch myself enjoying myself or not thinking about mum I feel as if I'm being callous.
I don’t know if I would be able to go back to the way things were. I have seen from browsing existing threads that there are many people coping with situations much worse than myself but I guess we all have different breaking points and different limits
I don’t think I’ll ever shake off the guilt and the feeling that I’ve betrayed my mum. I also wonder what would have happened if I’d got antibiotics for her urine infection sooner (took the practice about a week to get them to the chemist ) and how much of a part that’s played in things. I really want to let mum know that she is the most important person in my life but that boat may have been missed. When she came out of the hospital last year I was so pleased that she was back in her own home and didn’t mind emptying commodes etc and could never have imagined or wanted her in a care home but now almost a year later, with the steep change of this dementia things are so very different. I just want her to feel loved.
Peter
Hi Peter, welcome to TP.
Your introduction rang so many bells with me, something similar happened to my husband.
A UTI was not picked up, and by the time it was, the neurological damage was irreversible. I never got to bring him home, as he had become completely immobile, and he has been in an EMI unit for six months.
Your feelings of guilt are not unusual, I'm afraid. Most of us with loved ones in care feel from time to time that we have let them down.
But realistically, I know I couldn't have coped, and I'm sure you know the same about your mum.
It sounds as if she has settled really well, and I'm sure she's not angry with you. And she is certainly not safe to be left on her own.
You really have to consider what is best for both of you here, and I think you know what that is.
Don't worry about the guilt feelings, you've nothing to feel guilty about. You love your mum, and you've done everything you could for her.
Why not start a new thread on this forum? You'll get more replies that way.
All the best,
Your introduction rang so many bells with me, something similar happened to my husband.
A UTI was not picked up, and by the time it was, the neurological damage was irreversible. I never got to bring him home, as he had become completely immobile, and he has been in an EMI unit for six months.
Your feelings of guilt are not unusual, I'm afraid. Most of us with loved ones in care feel from time to time that we have let them down.
But realistically, I know I couldn't have coped, and I'm sure you know the same about your mum.
It sounds as if she has settled really well, and I'm sure she's not angry with you. And she is certainly not safe to be left on her own.
You really have to consider what is best for both of you here, and I think you know what that is.
Don't worry about the guilt feelings, you've nothing to feel guilty about. You love your mum, and you've done everything you could for her.
Why not start a new thread on this forum? You'll get more replies that way.
All the best,
Hi Hazel,
Thanks for your understanding and support. I will try to post updates on here and contribute to other threads. One of the galling things is that when mum first showed real signs of confusion the council carers first thoughts were that she had a UTI and advised me to contact the GP. If only the practice or the lab had been as on the ball as the carers and had not lost the first sample she could maybe have had antibiotics about 6 weeks earlier than she did get them.
Peter
Thanks for your understanding and support. I will try to post updates on here and contribute to other threads. One of the galling things is that when mum first showed real signs of confusion the council carers first thoughts were that she had a UTI and advised me to contact the GP. If only the practice or the lab had been as on the ball as the carers and had not lost the first sample she could maybe have had antibiotics about 6 weeks earlier than she did get them.
Peter
Dear Peter,
Welcome to TP.
I just wanted to add my reassurances to those of Skye. You are doing all that you can possibly do for your Mum under the circumstances, and it does sound as though your Mum is adapting very well to her new lifestyle.
Post any time you like. Any input will be very welcome.
Best wishes.
Welcome to TP.
I just wanted to add my reassurances to those of Skye. You are doing all that you can possibly do for your Mum under the circumstances, and it does sound as though your Mum is adapting very well to her new lifestyle.
Post any time you like. Any input will be very welcome.
Best wishes.
Introduction
Hello all
I've been a bit cheeky by posting asking for advice before introducing myself.
I live in Merseyside and am the youngest at 41 with two older sisters.
Mum (75) was diagnosed with Alheimer's four years ago and has been steadily progressing down her path. Up until Christmas my 79 year old Dad looked after her at home and we all pitched in to help.
Just after New Year Dad fell down the stairs and ended up in hospital whilst mum went in respite.
It became clear Dad was going to take a while to recover so mum moved into EMI Residential in Feb. Dad died suddenly in May and we've had to accept that mum is in care for the long term.
Unfortunately she's feisty my mum, and this is what keeps us all going. Feisty can sometime be a great sense of humour, sometimes it can be bad temper and aggression.
The stress of losing dad lead her to be more the latter and she's been served notice to leave the care home despite (ironically) just appearing to settle.
We've found a nice place for her to go and once the stress of settling her in is out of the way we can hopefully ensure she gets the love she needs 24 hours per day.
I hope to post regularly (although as with you all - time is at such a premium) andhelp share our experiences to help others as well as ask for advice.
Regards
Brian
Hello all
I've been a bit cheeky by posting asking for advice before introducing myself.
I live in Merseyside and am the youngest at 41 with two older sisters.
Mum (75) was diagnosed with Alheimer's four years ago and has been steadily progressing down her path. Up until Christmas my 79 year old Dad looked after her at home and we all pitched in to help.
Just after New Year Dad fell down the stairs and ended up in hospital whilst mum went in respite.
It became clear Dad was going to take a while to recover so mum moved into EMI Residential in Feb. Dad died suddenly in May and we've had to accept that mum is in care for the long term.
Unfortunately she's feisty my mum, and this is what keeps us all going. Feisty can sometime be a great sense of humour, sometimes it can be bad temper and aggression.
The stress of losing dad lead her to be more the latter and she's been served notice to leave the care home despite (ironically) just appearing to settle.
We've found a nice place for her to go and once the stress of settling her in is out of the way we can hopefully ensure she gets the love she needs 24 hours per day.
I hope to post regularly (although as with you all - time is at such a premium) andhelp share our experiences to help others as well as ask for advice.
Regards
Brian
No your not
I forgot to add a Welcome to your thread when I replied to your thread, sorry to read that your father pass way in May & your mother drop further into her AZ, so had to be moved .
My mum also drop more into her VA/AZ when my father died .
Welcome to TP Hope you keep us updated in how the move go with your mother into new Care home .
Wishing you both all the best with the move .
Hello,
You aren't alone, my Dad's 72 and been working all of his life (still does now) and drives, completely independant, but got diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago. It's got much worse recently. We have always told him and although it can make him a bit low at least he understands that it's not just him 'being stupid' and he gets less frustrated now. It's just important to keep encourging them and to keep their confidence up without patronising them. It can be done!
x
You aren't alone, my Dad's 72 and been working all of his life (still does now) and drives, completely independant, but got diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago. It's got much worse recently. We have always told him and although it can make him a bit low at least he understands that it's not just him 'being stupid' and he gets less frustrated now. It's just important to keep encourging them and to keep their confidence up without patronising them. It can be done!
x
Hi.....I'm new here..
Hi,
I've just signed up to this forum.....I'm 34 and my Mum has just been dianosed wtih Alzheimers....she is 60.
I'm here to basicly find out abit more about how this disease effects sufferers and thier familys, my Dad lives with my Mum and he seems scared of it all which is upsetting for me.
He's just turned 69 so is one of the older generation that aren't unfamiliar with computers and the access they give you to support in these kinds of circumstances (i'm going to make it my mission to get him a PC and teach him the wonders of the internet)
I havn't spoken to my Mum about what she's going through yet....i've been putting it off....i don't know how to approach this topic.....should i even approach it!!...I don't know...i guess i'm a little scared to, i've not even been round to there house since i found out(about 3 weeks ago)....should i just go round and act like nothing is wrong or do i grasp the bull by the horns.......a would love a little advice...
Thanx Jez
Hi,
I've just signed up to this forum.....I'm 34 and my Mum has just been dianosed wtih Alzheimers....she is 60.
I'm here to basicly find out abit more about how this disease effects sufferers and thier familys, my Dad lives with my Mum and he seems scared of it all which is upsetting for me.
He's just turned 69 so is one of the older generation that aren't unfamiliar with computers and the access they give you to support in these kinds of circumstances (i'm going to make it my mission to get him a PC and teach him the wonders of the internet)
I havn't spoken to my Mum about what she's going through yet....i've been putting it off....i don't know how to approach this topic.....should i even approach it!!...I don't know...i guess i'm a little scared to, i've not even been round to there house since i found out(about 3 weeks ago)....should i just go round and act like nothing is wrong or do i grasp the bull by the horns.......a would love a little advice...
Thanx Jez
Hello Jez, welcome to TP. I am sorry that you needed to find us, but if we can help or advise in any way, just ask.
My thoughts would be this. Your mum is no different today than she was last month. She is not going to deteriorate overnight.
I accept that it may seem akward to you, and you must have many things you want to know, but for now, just treat mum and dad as you always have.
Talk about the illness if that is what she wants, they may need time to come to terms with the diagnosis. Please though, try not to let the future, and whatever it holds, cloud your today.
Reading through some of the posts on TP, especially the Younger Section, in view of mum's age, may well answer some of your questions.
If you read this post, please look at my tag line.
Wise words uttered by my dear Partner when he was diagnosed, at age 60. All too true. Try to build some good memories along the way.
My thoughts would be this. Your mum is no different today than she was last month. She is not going to deteriorate overnight.
I accept that it may seem akward to you, and you must have many things you want to know, but for now, just treat mum and dad as you always have.
Talk about the illness if that is what she wants, they may need time to come to terms with the diagnosis. Please though, try not to let the future, and whatever it holds, cloud your today.
Reading through some of the posts on TP, especially the Younger Section, in view of mum's age, may well answer some of your questions.
If you read this post, please look at my tag line.
Wise words uttered by my dear Partner when he was diagnosed, at age 60. All too true. Try to build some good memories along the way.
Thanx Connie for your reply, your right of course...i shall go and see my Mum tomorrow.
I shall check out the younger section..
Thanx again
I shall check out the younger section..
Thanx again
Hello I'm new
Hello to all. I happened across this forum the other day and have found the information posted in numerous threads to be very helpful.
My 87 year old aunt was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. My 80 year old mother had become increasingly concerned with her sister's inability to remember and so arranged for her to have an assessment and visit a 'memory clinic' where she was prescribed Aricept.
To cut a long and, probably all too familiar, story short, I'm now poised to start the EPA process (my aunt was recently conned out of £1000 by rogue workmen) and have also involved social services so that she can be visited twice a day. My mother & I hope that these arrangements will enable her to live a fairly independent life style in her own home for a while longer than might otherwise be the case.
Anyway, it's good to know that this forum has access to a gamut of experience from its members.
Hello to all. I happened across this forum the other day and have found the information posted in numerous threads to be very helpful.
My 87 year old aunt was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. My 80 year old mother had become increasingly concerned with her sister's inability to remember and so arranged for her to have an assessment and visit a 'memory clinic' where she was prescribed Aricept.
To cut a long and, probably all too familiar, story short, I'm now poised to start the EPA process (my aunt was recently conned out of £1000 by rogue workmen) and have also involved social services so that she can be visited twice a day. My mother & I hope that these arrangements will enable her to live a fairly independent life style in her own home for a while longer than might otherwise be the case.
Anyway, it's good to know that this forum has access to a gamut of experience from its members.
Hello Siren
Welcome to TP (Talking Point).
I think you'll find just about every variation of 'caring' for loved ones on these pages/screens. None are easy but all are worthwhile, needing love, determination & emotional stamina, amongst other qualities.
Top marks to your Mum for being on the ball & getting her sister to the doctor to identify her problem (often the hardest battle!) & to you for taking up the reins also to help her.
I hope all goes well - please let us know & ask for help & tips with any difficulties which may arise. They may well have been encountered before, and overcome.
Regards
Welcome to TP (Talking Point).
I think you'll find just about every variation of 'caring' for loved ones on these pages/screens. None are easy but all are worthwhile, needing love, determination & emotional stamina, amongst other qualities.
Top marks to your Mum for being on the ball & getting her sister to the doctor to identify her problem (often the hardest battle!) & to you for taking up the reins also to help her.
I hope all goes well - please let us know & ask for help & tips with any difficulties which may arise. They may well have been encountered before, and overcome.
Regards
Hello, I'm new here. It is really good to find this forum and be in touch with others who are meeting similar challenges. My dear Mum is 91 and has been struggling with severe sight loss for some years. She lives alone. During this time she experienced visual hallucations (Charles Bonnet syndrome) and depression. Over the last year her carers and I noticed significant changes to memory, personality and moods. Interesting to read the other threads but there is a long history of UTI's, dealt with by repeated antibiotic prescriptions. It seems to be taking ages to get a diagnosis; after a 3 week wait for a domiciliary phlobotomist (try saying that after a few drinks....) visit, blood tests came back clear apart from a slight change in kidney function, due to age, as the GP said. The GP now wants another urine sample, ostensibly to keep an eye on UTI, but I believe it may be to check kidney function. The GP has done 2 MME tests, but I do not know the results.
So, at present we are dealing with my Mum's confusion about who is coming in when, what time of day it is, what month it is, is the Queen Mother dead, what's the name of the word I want to remember (Cardigan), have I eaten my lunch, how many weeks to Christmas etc... But this last week there has been a deterioration in behaviour, deep depression (Am I worth saving? We've all got to go one time and my time has come), not answering the phone as she believed it would be kinder if I found her dead in bed , and not "being bothered" to go to the loo but doing it there and then in her knickers. Oh and also confusion over dressing, sometimes 4 pairs of knickers and 2 incontinence pads, like a knicker club sandwich!!
I am lucky in that whilst being a carer myself, my Mum also has a wonderful and positive and caring PA via Direct Payments. But the last few weeks I have found myself having to leave my teaching job to make sure my Mum was OK. Quite often in the mornings she just refuses to get up. There is no care in place in the early mornings as we so want to encourage her to continue to do things for herself and I am worried that by having someone get her up in the mornings she will lose that confidence, self-esteem and independence. However my husband is worried about the strain and worry on me in the mornings. Care is in place at lunch-time and evening. When I visit I stay quite long and try to distract her thoughts to something positive, or talk in the past or try to encourage her to do something like sign a few Christmas cards, so her self-esteem is raised.
I have read about 3 books on dementia, including Oliver James's wonderful new book and we are actively following that advice, but now I find I need more specific advice and really do not know who to turn to.
Like a previous person here, I have also experienced the slow diagnosis of my Mum's UTI's, lost urine samples etc.. and it just seems to be taking forever to get some form of guidance about my Mum's mental health.
However my main search for advice is re the morning care. If I asked Social Services to conduct a review assessment and put more care in place in the mornings, would that be advisable or should I just encourage my Mum to get herself up in the mornings?
I would be so grateful for some advice. Thank you.
So, at present we are dealing with my Mum's confusion about who is coming in when, what time of day it is, what month it is, is the Queen Mother dead, what's the name of the word I want to remember (Cardigan
), have I eaten my lunch, how many weeks to Christmas etc... But this last week there has been a deterioration in behaviour, deep depression (Am I worth saving? We've all got to go one time and my time has come), not answering the phone as she believed it would be kinder if I found her dead in bed , and not "being bothered" to go to the loo but doing it there and then in her knickers. Oh and also confusion over dressing, sometimes 4 pairs of knickers and 2 incontinence pads, like a knicker club sandwich!!I am lucky in that whilst being a carer myself, my Mum also has a wonderful and positive and caring PA via Direct Payments. But the last few weeks I have found myself having to leave my teaching job to make sure my Mum was OK. Quite often in the mornings she just refuses to get up. There is no care in place in the early mornings as we so want to encourage her to continue to do things for herself and I am worried that by having someone get her up in the mornings she will lose that confidence, self-esteem and independence. However my husband is worried about the strain and worry on me in the mornings. Care is in place at lunch-time and evening. When I visit I stay quite long and try to distract her thoughts to something positive, or talk in the past or try to encourage her to do something like sign a few Christmas cards, so her self-esteem is raised.
I have read about 3 books on dementia, including Oliver James's wonderful new book and we are actively following that advice, but now I find I need more specific advice and really do not know who to turn to.
Like a previous person here, I have also experienced the slow diagnosis of my Mum's UTI's, lost urine samples etc.. and it just seems to be taking forever to get some form of guidance about my Mum's mental health.
However my main search for advice is re the morning care. If I asked Social Services to conduct a review assessment and put more care in place in the mornings, would that be advisable or should I just encourage my Mum to get herself up in the mornings?
I would be so grateful for some advice. Thank you.
Hi Mary, welcome to TP.
Your mum does appear to be suffering from dementia, and I can't understand why the GP has not referred her to the mental health team. In your shoes, I'd be pushing for the mmse results, and demanding a referral. Even if your mum is not suitable for medication, she should have a CPN to keep an eye on her.
I'd be inclined to ask for morning carers, too. Your mum sounds very confused, at least she would be up and properly dressed every morning. It could be that anxiety over remembering the morning routine is increasing her confusion.
Just my opinion, others may disagree.
You should get more responses soon, but feel free to post any questions.
All the best,
Your mum does appear to be suffering from dementia, and I can't understand why the GP has not referred her to the mental health team. In your shoes, I'd be pushing for the mmse results, and demanding a referral. Even if your mum is not suitable for medication, she should have a CPN to keep an eye on her.
I'd be inclined to ask for morning carers, too. Your mum sounds very confused, at least she would be up and properly dressed every morning. It could be that anxiety over remembering the morning routine is increasing her confusion.
Just my opinion, others may disagree.
You should get more responses soon, but feel free to post any questions.
All the best,
Hello, Mary
Sounds as though you have a good few years of experience behind you already, what with carers noticing changes in your Mum’s personality, memory and moods. Not to mention your experience of your Mum’s long history of UTIs, and well done for having arranged all those blood tests too.
What were the results of all those UTI investigations carried out over your Mum’s ‘long history of UTIs’? There may have been a reason for the recurring UTIs, a treatable cause. Or did the GP merely prescribe antibiotics again and again, without looking further into a definable cause? And yes, without knowing how many years’ worth of UTIs you are talking about, then it is very difficult to make a guess as to what may or may not have been going on, even as total amateurs in the world of UTIs.
If your Mum is already thinking about Christmas, then she is aware of the approaching of Christmas, as opposed to Easter or summer holidays. So she knows the season of the moment. Not bad for a 91 year old.
She does appear to have an unusually deep insight into her problems, if she is asking whether or not she is ‘worth saving’. That’s a new one for me, never heard that being asked before in the early stages of dementia but I have heard it asked in the world of non-dementia. Nor heard of anyone ‘not being bothered to go to the loo but preferring to do it in her knickers’ so as to save others the problem of dealing with it. If that is how your Mum herself described it to you? Or is that how you perceive her position?
If you already have carers coming in at lunchtime and in the evening, then what harm would it do to introduce a morning carer? At the age of 91 your Mum is doing very well to live on her own, so it could well be that the time has come for her to be assisted in the mornings too. There are an awful lot of hours between the departure of the nighttime carer and the lunchtime carer at the moment, so why not give it a try.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Sounds as though you have a good few years of experience behind you already, what with carers noticing changes in your Mum’s personality, memory and moods. Not to mention your experience of your Mum’s long history of UTIs, and well done for having arranged all those blood tests too.
What were the results of all those UTI investigations carried out over your Mum’s ‘long history of UTIs’? There may have been a reason for the recurring UTIs, a treatable cause. Or did the GP merely prescribe antibiotics again and again, without looking further into a definable cause? And yes, without knowing how many years’ worth of UTIs you are talking about, then it is very difficult to make a guess as to what may or may not have been going on, even as total amateurs in the world of UTIs.
If your Mum is already thinking about Christmas, then she is aware of the approaching of Christmas, as opposed to Easter or summer holidays. So she knows the season of the moment. Not bad for a 91 year old.
She does appear to have an unusually deep insight into her problems, if she is asking whether or not she is ‘worth saving’. That’s a new one for me, never heard that being asked before in the early stages of dementia but I have heard it asked in the world of non-dementia. Nor heard of anyone ‘not being bothered to go to the loo but preferring to do it in her knickers’ so as to save others the problem of dealing with it. If that is how your Mum herself described it to you? Or is that how you perceive her position?
If you already have carers coming in at lunchtime and in the evening, then what harm would it do to introduce a morning carer? At the age of 91 your Mum is doing very well to live on her own, so it could well be that the time has come for her to be assisted in the mornings too. There are an awful lot of hours between the departure of the nighttime carer and the lunchtime carer at the moment, so why not give it a try.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Hi
Hi and welcome
Seems to me you you are doing exactly what we all do.
Keep smiling, its the best way to deal with it
Gillian
Hi and welcome
Seems to me you you are doing exactly what we all do.
Keep smiling, its the best way to deal with it
Gillian
Hello
Hello All
My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when she was 63, and she'd probably had the earliest signs in her late 40s. She's now 73. My dad is her carer. As you will know it's very stressful and I was searching for some stuff to help him and came across this forum. I wish my dad would use a computer, I'm sure he would find this type of thing helpful, but he won't do it he's very stubborn!
My mum has recently taken a turn for the worse and I found some interesting information about UTIs (it looks like she has one, she had soem tests yesterday)and the dramatic effect they can have, it may explain some of it. She has been sleeping more and it's difficult to get her out of bed, and she just cries all day (no tears, just the crying noises) and has been quite agitated, perhaps this is down to the infection?
Anyway I'm glad I found you!
Hello All
My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when she was 63, and she'd probably had the earliest signs in her late 40s. She's now 73. My dad is her carer. As you will know it's very stressful and I was searching for some stuff to help him and came across this forum. I wish my dad would use a computer, I'm sure he would find this type of thing helpful, but he won't do it he's very stubborn!
My mum has recently taken a turn for the worse and I found some interesting information about UTIs (it looks like she has one, she had soem tests yesterday)and the dramatic effect they can have, it may explain some of it. She has been sleeping more and it's difficult to get her out of bed, and she just cries all day (no tears, just the crying noises) and has been quite agitated, perhaps this is down to the infection?
Anyway I'm glad I found you!
Hello Anne Louise
Welcome to Talking Point [TP].
No-one can believe the awful effect of a UTI until they experience it for themselves. I hope your mother recovers soon.
Please post as often as you wish and even if your father can`t receive the support TP provides, I hope it will help you.
Welcome to Talking Point [TP].
No-one can believe the awful effect of a UTI until they experience it for themselves. I hope your mother recovers soon.
Please post as often as you wish and even if your father can`t receive the support TP provides, I hope it will help you.
